2022-07-25 - 5:50 p.m.

WTF

I was reading a Diaryland diary! YES I had this open because when completeing information on the VEC Unemployment insurance site I needed to confirm the day I was given notice of my job loss...

and I decided to read a random diary; which I enjoyed depite the fact I fell asleep!
(Really... just dozed)
One of those microsleeps. The weird sleep disorder thing of fall asleep IMMEDIATELY into a dream state.

Now the diary writer was writing of her husband and enjoying having spent time with him. A few entries about having gone out to breakfast; one about a MIL taking the kid and her saying "What do you want to do?" and his nonverbal response indicating
(though she is coy as a writer!) Hell honey lets have some great sex!

(HA HA... she is classy and just hinted at that )

BUT
as for me...
that was not even the last thing I read of her writing.
She was writing of doing things one loves to just relax and not feeling GUILTY when time is not so called "productive" and you are just enjoying yourself...

and I had the doze off microsleep

and Dreamed of Fauci ( oh dear reader, not THE Dr. himself... but just in case you forgot...at one point the public opinion was he was being voted as one of the sexist men... ha ha... a point I found hilarious.. and it is the knickname of my actually VERY ATTRACTIVE neighbor/teacher... who I enjoyed meeting to go swimming just a couple days ago. When was it ? OH yeah... last Friday. I ran into him Thu night (or Wed? I forget) AFTER I had been swimming. We chatted. He said "come by for a glass of wine or a beer."

He texted me Friday inviting me to stop by. I told him I was just heading out to the pool- taking the dog with me to walk her, then would tie her up for a quick swim.

He happily joined me at the pool. We had a really lovely visit as we swam. Alternating between laps and chit chat. ( He acutually swims too. As in doesn't just sit and get wet and linger and enjoy the coolness of it but like me hits the laps for real. And YES he is faster at swimming of course than me, just like running.)

He did talk of how he did an Iron Man Triathalon after I joked we could not do a triathalon- I would slow us down, and he quipped "You could do the bike part"

Oh yeah!!
which led to his talk of the actual traithalons he did do, and how doing Ironman was a factor in his divorce! HE got obsessed and self absorbed and his wife called him a narcissist. ( I said "Of course! To even TRAIN for an Ironman takes intense singual focus, which is a certain KIND of narcissism. Not necessarily malignant but you do have to love yourself to prioritize yourself at such a level of commitment to be able to do that!")

Honestly when I was training for running a marathon my priority was to be able to get in my long morning runs on Saturday. That was the one day a week I could fit a long run in- so Friday nights when I went out dancing I remember wanting to get back home in anticipation of the morning run. I remember some actual HOT guy trying to pick me up and me thinking then saying in sincereity "I have to go now as have to be up early" and just excited to be ready to run a 10 miler the next AM. That run was more interesteing and exciting and motivating than some hook up possibility- even with a super young hot guy! (Who could not tell my age obviously in the dark lighting.... hell that happened all the time. Hook ups not really my style anyway.)

I never went out to do anything other than dance; but on Fridays there are some interlopers other than the actual Latin Dance community there to dance. It was so funny as the dance community all knew each other- and when you go out regularly you all get to know each other and then it is OBVIOUS when there is some dude there looking for a hook up... HA HA

OK but I digress. Narcissistically... Too true, and too apt - but point being I GET It that there is a bit of narcissism in some of us who would RATHER be alone as we are seriously happy and self fulfilled working on and meeting our own goals. To be in partnership/ dating/ married to such a self possessed self directed and HAPPY PERSON who does not NEED you can be very unnerving for some.

Not for me. I think I WANT a partner as self possessed and self satisfed as I am. I think that is my trouble in finding the right mate! Because he would have to be as self confident, self possessed but also really grounded and NOT narcissistic If that makes any sense at all! AND he has to have a genuine faith in God.

So....

I had a dream... in what, seconds? Or minutes?
During the quick micro sleep

Of Facui picking me up and gently putting me on his bed and then carefully removing my clothing ( very indistinct that part) the dream focus was on the touch of his hands as he gently caressed the front and sides one at a time with each fully open palm fingers ourtreached and caressing each curve with tenderness.

That was it,

It was the dream of the beginnning of love making. The tender touch. The wonder of experiencing the body of a beloved ( this case mine); but the visceal experience of BEING LOVED and BEING APPRECHIATED

and the weird thing is this was a very narcissistic dream HA HA in a way
the dream was from HIS viewpoint-
focused on MY body as HE would see it- but it was a dream of Fauci being with me in his room.

It was so lovely

and so very unexpected for that to emerge. I can't help but also be reminded by that dream of Henry! As it was a dream of Fauci touching me the way I was touched only once in my life- and that was by Henry.

When we went swimming I was acutely aware of a couple of things I should do in interacting with Fauci- talk of his girlfriend and invited them BOTH to come run the Turkey Trot in the Fall. I want him to invite her into HIS world. I did encourage him to do that as it makes him so happy!
So kept talking of her- and kept all conversations in the friend zone.

AND ALSO brought my dog... on the walk over... and then after when we stopped swimming nice I had Bellatrix with me so when stopped by his house rather than bring her inside ( she loves his house HA HA.. she eats the cat food!) I tied her up OUT FRONT.. so I could stay only a bit!! The dog a good insurance so to speak She insures I don't stay too long!!

I did not have any wine. We were talking and I thought it really good he didn't offer any!

It was a funny thing as before swimming I had just returned from my friend the winery owner's where I had about 1/4 of a glass- just enough so he was not drinking alone. .

I finally stopped by and did pick up the power washer. I will use it tomorrow on the porch. Maybe tonight I will start? yes-its cool out and a few hours of light.

I have a document for work that came in queue. I am a bit tired so might do some work on that instead of the physical work of stripping the porch. Will see...

But I had to write of the weird dream. It was a lovely dream- but one that surprised the hell out of me. In particular as I was so PLEASED truth be told that Fauci was in such a solid place and not insecure and not needy and not hitting on me! (HA HA) He was being honorable to his Girlfriend and he was fun to hang with but there was no awkwardness or sexual tension. I mean really- no palatable attraction causing tension ( Which I have felt before ).

I was so happy on Friday to just spend TIME with FRIENDS! I was thinking how it had been such a lovely day! The artist who doesn't charge enough may lose thosekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

SNap.. I dozed again... hand on the K of the keyboard... Obviously I need a nap now. I ate a simple supper of leftovers and obviously need to sleep as digest!( And the line about the artist who doesn't charge enough?? WTH?? THat was start of dreaming I think! HA HA)

I was going to write and had been CONSIOUSLY thinking how on a Friday I am SO MUCH Happier to be able to go visit a couple friends, then have the opportunity to see other friends as like- and after working when tired LOVE coming straight home to my dog for a walk then sleep. Its a RELIEF to not have someone ANTICIPATING and EXPECTING or HOPING for me to call... cause I don't make phone calls often and don't really care to much. In other words I was thinking yesterday how much I enjoy being SINGLE. I enjoy visiting my guy friends and gal friends; but then also enjoy the occassional romantic date or sexual liason with a sexual partner. But I think I ENJOY It being once in a while! I mean I have a date coming up this weekend with the DC guy and am looking forward to it. But I think I just don't want to date anyone who expects or needs me to see them more than a couple times a week. I enjoyed chatting to catch up with him but really don't need to talk to him more than a couple times a week. I mean that suits me perfectly.

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