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2022-08-04 - 10:47 a.m.

SO I have invoiced my first client. All of $600 for the few hours of work I did the last two weeks of July.

That took much longer than I expected or hoped. Especially since I intended to do it YESTERDAY morning and then get other things done.

No... Instead I downloaded Windows 11

and tried to brainstorm ways to earn money.

I wrote a short piece of fiction- simply as there is a deadline of Aug 15th for a journal that pays $500 for 750 word flash fiction.

I have no idea if my story is even good or of interest.

But I wrote one.

Interestingly it is NEVER the story I INTEND to write which I write.

Seriously I wanted to write a story I told IN PERSON at work which had the break room all enterained.

That was a funny story I think worth capturing.

But the humorous moments never really compell me to write as much as ones that compel deep thinking and reflection and might make ME think


I want others to also be Wowed in life at moments.

BUT I ALSO Want others to LAUGH and have sheer JOY.

The problem I have with the story I told is that while funny it is funny because it inherently is joking about the UNKNOWN The OTHER
the kind of humor that I tend to not like at all.

BUT It was funny in the moment.

I mean it was the story of how EVERY YEAR I would invest in myself-
buying tickets to a local film festival I LOVE to go to.

SOME years I convinced the kids to pick a movie to go to. Most years my homebody kids did not have interest. ( They went when younger. I still cherish watching a movie about a boy with them... based on some children's book but for the life of me can't remember the name of it now- AH WONDER , yes the movie Wonder!

I have watched amazing documentaries alone there. These were in fact my real Artist Dates- Dates with self to go do something I LOVE to be super happy content enjoying the moment alone.
I have seen so many movies over the years there
Documentary of Ingrid Bergman
Life of Pi

Recently- Last year I saw Belfast and King Richard there in some of the earliest showings of both those movies. (I think it was the 2nd showing ever of Belfast if I recall correctly)

For years I actually would pick one movie (or even two) to buy TWO tickets to envisining I would find a date to bring, or a friend.

So the story I told was of one year heading over to a in the town where the film festival was after having enjoyed a movie. I had an extra ticket for a show the next day and hoped to find someone to give it to.
In my imagination I would meet some attractive single man who would love to have an improptu date with a stranger!
The reality ended up being freaking funny to me.

There was this really attractive woman sitting alone at the bar who was friendly and I started a conversation with. She then proceeded to tell me


No kidding.
She had a drink or more in her.

I think I grabbed a Ginger Ale and sat down for a while.

It was the funniest thing.

She proceeded to tell me of her failed marriage; then how she had a kid and didn't know what to do but had to do something. She was SMART no doubt.

Then she told me how she found work no kidding- thorough some web site for married men to hook up.
Ashley something? I Forget the name of it...

but it was a funny convuluted story of her paramour who of course she fell in love with-
the married guy who was paying for her services

and it was both tragic and funny and surprising

I mean here was the high end prostitute in this small wealthy town

and I heard an earful.

In the telling of the story my coworkers found it funny as I set it up I went in hoping to find some hot date

but found a madame instead who I gave the ticket to. She was having a bad night and no luck
no takers but at least she scored a ticket to see a good film and do somethign nice for herself!

(YEs I exaggerated in the telling... realized later she was not exactly a madame!)

It was kinda funny however as not who I envisioned to be spending time with ( if anyone! HA HA)

I did legit really enjoy hearing her story however. And she was VERY Likable! IT was again the story of a woman doing what she could to provide for her kid. She did have an ex whom her kid was with that weekend- she was another mother who shared her custody.
It was just a fascinating story.

There are so many bizarre and interesting stories out there when take time to meet people and listen.

But somehow, while I could tell the story in person and make it funny in the delivery as the contrast between my dream fanatasy of meeting a hot man
and the reality of meeting the really despondent and lonely woman who I sat with

somehow I could NOT WRITE that story and make it funny.

Not at all.
Because when writing there is the stark reality. It is hard to exaggerate and embellish and capture surprise which is what created the humor. No when I write I just have TROUBLE not capturing truths. Both good and bad. And that doesn't make for as much joyful entertaining reading. It comes accross more thoughtful, yes thought provolign but also a bit of a downer to see the pain and suffering of humans! It is hard to not just capture TRUTH when I write. So the writing of my experience could not focus on the humorous parts but rather the tragedy of yet another woman driven to tough choices, limited choices, based on actual abuse by a man at some point and in desparation-
was heavy.
Not funny.
Too real in the vunlerability of her.
and the fact this smart woman found the best way to provide for her kid and for her to survive was to be dependant yet again on a man she had lost her sense of self in engulfment. She was adrift and upset and so sad at her own attachment, her own emotional CARING and her own LOVING of this man who was her client. Who has a wife he is committed to.

It was heartbreaking to hear.

I just listened, and offered her respite of a movie.

I only wondered later what her education and other life experience was. Did she tell me and did I forget? I just wonder what OTHER choices she COULD have made but chose not to? AND WHY? I mean why ?

The unanswered questions are the story I really want to hear. I want to hear if there are better choices available for women. I want to tell the stories of the women who find them and make better choices who don't get caught up again under the thumb and pocketbook with complete dependence on some man who can call them at whim and do what they want for their own gratification at whim without any responsibility for any relationship of attachment- as there IS NONE with the woman who may be easily discarded.

I know a couple men who in fact HIRED women who used to work in the sex trade. WAIT I know THREE who worked with three such women. They all to me have a self serving saviour complex and are thrilled by the ego boost. My neighbor did not hire the former sex worker but she was an office admin initially in an investment firm where he worked and he worked with her and taught her skills and trained and she got promoted and she became one of his best friends and a MORE successful investment banker than him. He loves to tell how she started out as a prostitute but is now a multimillonarie banker. He loves to tell the story how she took up running and she, like me has run marathons. (My running is what I think made him think of his friend. He watched her run the NYC marathon some years back, cheering her on.) In his old age this once young women rented him the home she owns on my block! (He was in his 70s and moved here from NYC where they had worked together for years.)

My old neighbor told me of her, his actual best friend for the past 40 years. He was twenty years older than her. She went on to get married and have kids and owned this home and others. She lives in London now- but worked out here sometimes too so bought this home here for the place in the country within a nice commute to the DC area office, which was eventually rented to him when he needed a place. I think his financial stabiluty not near as solid as hers for whatever reason.

He was so proud of how she knew nothing but worked her butt off to change her situation. Yet somehow I think he secretly thought it cool of her to have been a sex worker. It is that odd fascination and idealizing her beauty and her sensuality and sexuality. Even though they were only friends I am sure he would have been thrilled if there were some interest otherwise- I think he was the fantasy for him.

Odd thing.
The lawyer I worked with had at some point fallen for a sex worker he met and then dated a bit. He again idealized this short fling of his past and spoke of her the way this neighbor spoke of his friend. There is the weird fanatsy men seem to have that they idealize the sex worker women and then also want them to be smart and capable and want to be able to envison them as something else as for some reason they can idealize and fanatzied the objectivied perfect body yet tehy dont; fully RESPECT that as valuable work so have to then shapeshift the persn to be MORE in order to be fully enamored. They have to love potential for me. .It is so very odd to me. The whole attachment to a fantasy of the men almost shaping in their minds who they THINK the woman is. ITs almost this narcissistic thing that if she has had so many men but would DATE and have a REAL relationship with him he was better than the others. Of course it was DIFFERENT with him. The darn ego ... the feeling of being special. To me it was so very ODD the way he acted like a weekend fling with her has significance.
He bought her this expensive piece of art from a gallery.

Which as he told me the story I thought- hell she scored with that john that weekend! It may or may not have retained re-sale value. But in the telling it all sounded like a TRANSACTION to me that this man romanticized. He paid her AND bought gifts! HA HA

Men do that... I mean I used to get the second hand roses given to the dancer I HIRED at the group home sent by one of the Buffalo bills ( who was fabulous in that work but it was low wage.She made so much more DANCING even though she WANTED To do other things too!!) Fancy orchids.... men in love that are not in actual relationship are so interesting to me how they will persue. YET when in relationship they don't do those same fluffing of feathers behaviors- the gifts are not free flowing ! HA HA IT is such self posturing... self servicing displays of affection (lust!) it seems to me! Ah so that is the 2nd instance of knowing a man who HIRED The sex worker in hope of giving her alternative choices- MY BOSS at that group home who brought her into the place and hired her. She then direct reported to me. I liked her and she was upfront to me about how she learned about our place and applied for the job. She had no shame in her choices! She was an exotic dancer (so she said). My boss met her over a lunch hr at the local topless dance place where you could enjoy entertainment over your sandwich at noon.

Some men it seems to me fall for the sexy woman sex worker YET that is not ENOUGH for them. Fascination with being both dominant and being able to control and shape the woman to an extent I think informs this attraction. The believe that he , this man can be SPECIAL and impactful in the woman's life and shape her into more than she already is.
So fascinating to me. It seems so darn ego self serving and not love at all of the woman.
So that was the gist of the story I heard that day- a variation of the many other stories encountered.

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