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2022-08-20 - 8:18 p.m.

I have a new tactic.

When I job hunt I am actually tenacious and diligent and highly motivated.
I consider all possibilities and am like an actor at each audition.
I do the work to prepare for each unique role. Do the research and the prep. I read up on the company. I pull its stock ticker. I review its history. I look to see how they are reviewed by employees on glassdoor and other places.
Then I spend time crafting a personal and targeted cover letter if it is a good job I would be genuinely excited to step into with actual energy and enthusiasm. I have to really believe in the mission and be ready to have faith in the company, in the good I can personally do for the world and the company in the role.

Yeah I am picky and discerning. I try to live by my values and will not compromise certain things.

For instance I said No to the invitation to interview for a Functional COO for a very large Amazon and Etsy shop that does EXACTLY What my Buffalo Guy friend does ( but scaled by 100X ) BECAUSE they have scaled by using CHEAP LABOR. They find folks on Upwork for example to work as copywriters for-
get this-

AVG pay of $6 per hour.

Are you fucking kidding me? A privately held company with 3000 plus amazingly well-designed items on their on line stores who are KILLING IT
I mean just making a KILLING
and who need a Functional COO ( Peeps out there without MBAs- that just means a TEMP COO. Meaning they are trying to MAXIMIZE PROFIT MEANING also they want someone else to have their name on the paper.. on the bottom line as the one running operations; in charge and ACCOUTABLE for the growth spurt changes

Well really meaning they need to scale and need a VISIONARY To LEAD who can be an effective team building cheerleader to motivate and build cohesiveness and LOYALY and COMPANY CULTURE

All the things I would ROCK AT if I BELIEVED In the VALUES OF A COMPANY.

I am a bit damn picky and judgmental for sure

I won't lower my standards for the almighty dollar.

I mean I have to fucking TRUST

And interesting.
After going over the moral dilemma of what happens if I try to verify certain so called FACTS but find out they were BS

What would I DO
And ONLY AFTER I discern which ones I would BE OK with then ignoring a lie for a greater good

say ... hypothetically ... if a company had some foundational thing that was NOT true be a basis of folks investing in them

OK I am beating around the bush and should stop.
and just fucking be direct.

YOU SEE I basically have to fucking trust but VERIFY EVERYTHING

and in the past was NAIVE so I would do the due diligence so I could in good conscience sign off on FACTS in legal attestations and representations and certifications

And time after time I EXPECTED to just be doing due diligence- EXPECTING the fact to be TRUTHFUL and VERIFIED so I could sign

to then find out some BS.

Some fucking smoke and mirrors

some SAND of a story

someone's castle was built on

And TONS of folks along the way may or may not have know
but systems GREW
and there were NETWORKS depending on that foundation

Think Enron...

Fuck I worked at a FEW fortune 100 companies

so I kept going and looked to find SMALL businesses to support who value integrity

I honestly picked my last job As when I interfaced with them as a partner collaborator it was clear they were all about integrity. They called my old company out on their shit basically in this respectful manner I apprecated it very much.

*I am ranting- but just to add here. In one place, when I went to trust and verify, I confirmed that the founder is a fucking REAL NAVY SEAL I am proud I worked there with him

I just played the cards wrong and HID my freaking Type A personality

He didn't see it and I think in the end that is what he wants. I freaking love his energy

I love his drive

and I wish I could be as effective as HE IS at business development of my own company ( And I will in time once I hit the right environments to speak to folks in person- meaning once I Attend CONFERENCES)
O K This is one long steam of consciousness ramble.

But main point is I feel really good even it it was foolish and YES due to my realizing there are so many fucking liars out there
that I feel sometimes paranoid and have to trust and verify that I went to the effort to confirm his bonafide Navy Seal status.
I mean I would be EMBARASSED to ever let on to him I felt the need to do that.

I mean it would be EMBARASSING to not have been able to simply TRUST HIM

But I have seen too many narcissists who are full of crap not caring about anything OTHER than success
who become successful

To be naive and
I have had too much of my own trauma of seeing truth and then not being able to UNSEE

that yes I am fucking wounded.

Only the wounded have the vision of seeing all these fucking possibilities- including the really dark and downright evil ones at times.

Its a freaking sad reality

and one anyone who has every encountered actual evil to the degree some have ...
to the degree I sadly have

I mean anyone who ever had anyone truly violent and hateful
or even just in their professional life see the truly dishonest behavior to get ahead

DOES need more assurances at times to build trust.

So I FUCKED UP in my last job at letting some of my own trauma get in the way of positive momentum I think. Not necessarily internally but externally

as in I called out the BS

OK I did it internally as well...

But the company at CORE HAS INTEGRITY overall so that was not the actual issue

The real issue in the end turned out that I think they sensed MY LACK OF TRUST IN THEM

and then
FEAR of what I could expose.

and I realize my trauma was deeper and more impactful than I understood

All this to fucking say


It is my therapy

and it is easy and keeps me balanced so they I can go hit the day with zest and energy

and apply for jobs etc...

BUT MY NEW STRATEGY IS really to care for MY MENTAL HEALTH As much as I am dedicating to care for my family's physical and mental health.

after self reflection and realizing Yeah I have moment of paranoia

Like the paranoia
"What if he is NOT really a NAVY SEAL?"

That I finally decided best delt with by the effort of confirmation! ( at $20 it was worth it for me and gave me peace of mind. I weighed the moral dilemma of what to do if it turned out the former CEO Of one company I left in the past was NOT A NAVY SEAL...I had to be prepared for the worst case scenario before I pursued this verification- just cause in PAST had some fucking surprising disappointing unexpected BAD OUTCOMES Of just routine trust and verify exercises any well trained and ethical legal personnel should ALL HAVE DONE... I mean I was like WTF??? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE NO ONE ACTUALLY KNOWS THIS?? ... and well... it never went well for me when I was the truth teller trying to fix some problem I didn't look for intentionally but just appeared....

i still think it fucked up I questioned he integrity of that claim. It feels like BIG CORPORATE 100 Fucking PTSD from MASSIVE CORPORATE LIES invertedly discovered..

and no matter how long ago some shit takes longer to heal

some shit is still with us and crops up when least expect it

IS to KEEP WRITING as for me it is hugely therapeutic

BUT make a shift

Rather than just journal and ramble here

WHAT IF I can monetize this actual need for me??

What if I put AS MUCH ENERGY into writing for calls for work as I do into job hunting?

Could I become a published and PAID writer -with more frequency than once every ten years! if I actually planned and put effort into it?

Could that be supplemental income?

I think it is feasible.

So that is my new strategy.
Keep doing the work every day.

But just shift what I consider work.

Consider the actual work of writing .

For one thing I gave up on persuit of professional writing YEARS Ago after the last paid article I wrote. I did get a nice check for something like $100 ?? I think?? For a Short article in VA Gardener Magazine.

But the RESEARCH and the time it took to write the article did not seem worth it at the time to keep pursuing creative writing. I could not AFFORD to do so.

That has always been my assessment of the creative work I find EASY and fun.

I was a JAZZ show DJ in college and LOVED it.
But when a station in Fairfield CT ( not a bad Ferry Ride across from L.I. where I lived) was looking for a DJ I just figured out the pay per hour and thought
"Hell no" as I could get better paying work.

So I always did the cost benefit and chose the MONEY Over the thing I was GOOD at that brought me joy.

So this is my shift. My paradigm shift and my plan shift

I am going to allow as much energy into that which gives me JOY as I put into the efforts to EARN MONEY for the well being of everyone else.


Because doing ANYTHING either NEW or which have not done in a LONG Time feels scary at first.
BUT if you keep doing the work with discipline


It becomes Easier. Then suddenly one day it becomes FLOW just the thing you get absorbed in doing with undivided attention and ENJOYMENT
so time passes and you don't even notice. .

that is the thing I strive for

Those moments of actual FLOW

They happen in running. The moment where there is no more tension of muscle or mind. The moment where your body is warmed up and your muscles are limber and releaxed and smooth and can stretch and retract without tension
cojoined with the moment your mind too can relax then stretch without tension

Where thoughts come relazed and free

OR you can just BE without any worrisome thoughts
where anxiety melts away and is gone

And either a clear head so fully experiencing the moment with full presence

OR Complete relaxation and letting go

allmost lack of AWARENESS Of self
where you ego entered rest and is dormant and not in one's way of being fully present

We get in our own way.

Ever wonder what one means when they say
"I am my own worst enemy; I need to get out of my own way."

IT is that-
that meaning that a person strives for the moment where they STOP OVERTHINK and are in absolute FLOW of Being

whether it is at rest
at peace
or in motion
of absolute creativity

AS actual athletic action is metabolically one of creativity, of the building of muscle, actual cell creation,
the strengthening of both body and mind that alchemize and are changed by the experience

Yet ironically it is the LETTING GO of worry of hyperfixation on self
of neruoticism
of self doubt
of perfectionism
of critique
of imposter syndrome
of hesitation
of weakness
of insecurity

It is shedding so many skins of self to let the new regenerated self emerge

It is a re-birth
a cathartic metamorphis

I want to willfully chose a re-birth

OF letting go of the anxiety driven motivation to produce
for pay
for consumerism being my golden compass
the guide which I follow

For financial security being my end goal

and for letting faith be my guide
and trust

and perhaps letting go of the need to verify

But just allow momentum and movement and creation

This requires discernment of where to invest my time, energy and labor.

which is why this shift

as I want to continue to curate this life I want.

I knew I did not want 40 plus hours of my life each week to be in labor for benefit of some Fortune 100 corp.

I KNEW my focus and the nucleus of my life needed to be my family.

I NEED TO BE THE CENTER for the rest of these kids of mine to be able to grow and orbit around until they are ready to head off into new constellations of their own making.

It may be self centered to think that,

but I listened to a song my brother wrote today with new understanding.

this is my brother who has been now trying to jump back into the workplace

If you ask him if he REGRETS having taking those years away from it


He took those years to re-find his self in a way

To be re-centered.

TEN years ago he wrote this great song
Time with me

I think I never apprechiated that song until today when reading the novel I am reading (Still working on Cutting for Stone)
I put on my bro's Spotify album while sitting on my porch and for some reason today really listened to the lyrics of that song.

It was really poignant how he wrote
"Gonna take this love with me
Gonna take this love with me"
and something like
"As I grow into the man I wanna be
Gonna take this love with me"

And the song really was about the nucleus of HOME and family ( whether the one born into or the friends who become family) being the foundation for one's growth which builds what they bring out into the world.

I mean this was so VALIDATING to me.

My parents did a wonderful job of that.

OF creating a home and a family where everyone was loved and cared for. MY DAD IS STILL DOING IT.

And I know it is achievable for me to continue to do it.


I have NOT Failed even if a setback

EVEN IF This month, and last month it was my KIDS who literally shared their resources of their earned money by loaning to me to pay the mortgage.

Both a sermon I heard two weeks ago

and that song

were so impactful that I am on the right path to be in the place I am meant to be.

The sermon was at a church In DC I attended after leaving my lover.( Leaving spending time with him that is). What a lovely Saturday evening we had enjoyed at his place where he made dinner and we watched a Mets game, made love, and then the next morning I enjoyed going to church.
It was a perfect weekend for me!
The church service just astounded me in how the sermon felt like it was personally delivered.
About how the shepard loves the lost sheep even beyond reason, even at great financial expense which hardley seems worth it for the one sheep when he has 99 healthy ones there with him in his fold.

God loves like that
and we too can love like that and not worry about the 99 who are fine when we take off to support and love the one who needs us.

Life is like that

We don't lose those who love us and those we love just because we are giving attention to others.

That sermon was so validating that it is the right thing to love and support my kids who are here and NEED ME NOW
in conjunction with again

this next time I spent with my lover. Funny how two weeks later it was like a repeat of the date , but amin my home this weekend rarher than me going there. I do think he lost interest when we dated a couple of years ago in part as I never let him into my world then.( I mean literally, physically as it was the first year of Covid and my kids all lived here and I had not wanted guests ever so I only went to spend weekends at his place not vice versa, and he does want a more reciprocal give and take of course!
Funny we thought of going swimming when I went his way but I ran late do we did not do that the last time we saw each other ( I had one errand of returning the borrowed powerwasher as I had already put it in my car and as was leaving to go to DC realized did not want that BORROWED expensive piece of equiptment sitting in a car parked overnight on a city stree! #1 rule of parking in cities is don't leave an open invitation for someone to break into your car by having an expensive tool there in plain view!)
We when we again got together and were playing it by ear and I thought it would be nice to go swimming in my neighborhood. So we enjoyed a lovely swim and relaxing visiting by the pool, then came home and I made nice dinner of the venison, then it was fun that my friend was able to log into the account he has to watch the Mets game on my laptop and I could Chrome cast it to watch the game on the living room TV!

I was so happy with the lovely evening! The really nice tender time with him afterwards was once again just perfect. I mean he is a really good lover. I am really grateful for the podcast
"Sex With Emily"

I commented if SHE went public and sold stock I would buy some.
In seriousness, he said "you should write to her and let her know" and I said
"YES I can write her a letter! An email to THANK HER because WOW you have certainly learned a thing of two from listening to her!"

I mean the differnce in OUR comfort is significant. When I dated him last time I felt like he was a bit hyperfixated on sex, I mean too focused on that...and it was boring. I mean honestly if someone is trying too hard I find it just a turn off if not at the same confort zone. But there has been a definate shift. think it is honeslty a difference in HIS comfort level with HIS body and his confidence and his comfort level with sex in general, and understanidng of woman in particular - I mean this man

He gets it that sex is not all about just the man having an orgasm!
He gets it that is the LEAST of it..
I mean not to minimize as of course that is pretty terriffc

but hell when having really GREAT Sex with someone that happens---what.... for a minute or so..

and just think about it.
I mean a GOOD LOVER has this whole exploration of their lover's WHOLE BODY to discover

there are SO MANY nerve endings in SO MANY PLACES to discover, stimulate and have arousal in response to touch

He has figured it out!
and I have said it before that for me the KISS is the most important

This man has figured out how to kiss!! I MEAN NO DOUBT that I enjoyed the best kissing session with him

It was really wonderful.

The other thing of it is that this was while I surprisingly had my monthly visitor. Now I am premenopausal
and if you never experienced that
for me it means

I am basically HEMMORAGGING

I mean moment of just SHEARING my my body is happening unexpectedly.

Of course it would start the morning of my date but it was easy to still share wonderful physical intimacy as thus giy is not afraid to be physically intimate just cause there may be some normal human messiness. Such a different focus on sharing tenderness and meaningful physical connection which can be really sexually charged and satisfying EVEN if choose not to have intercourse in a moment!! I mean some folks never figure out the fullness of menu options on the smorgasbord before them so to speak! HA ha The contrast was just remarkable between expectations and comfort of accepting where each is at in a moment and enjoying simple shared pleasures Like a kiss Or tender holding and caress Which we both can enjoy And the attitudes of some of my past truly self centered lovers. The ones who have a sense of entitlement abd honestly think sex was all about THEM and only their one small body part..... Small minded So this man has done the work to educate himself! A couple of years ago I suppose it came across as actually self focused cause he seemed to event great sex. But I judged him Honestly not for that desire but for trying so hard... I GUESS FOR GETTING IN HIS OWN WAY! That is it... His own blocks of overthinking And his own learning curve. I MEAN HE WAS LEARNING and I suppose I felt he was in learning mode not really relationship material mode but in thise self development phase. Not that I judged that. But I just was bored by it. I guess I also felt like some of what was so new and exciting to him was familiar and ...hell I am a woman...He seemed to be discovering more about women , but also men-As he was learning about himself But his learning curve ( like mine 20 yrs ago) is best served by more than one partner!! And I wanted him, still want him to have his own personal growth! It's just interesting there is some shift where he is not trying you hard Where he hits tgat flow! Ha...yes...where we hit flow together It's lovely! And I like the space for both his growth and my own time for mine. I did not expect this surprising chemistry. I mean we have not had a date in two weeks-
its so perfect for me to see this man every couple of weeks. I love the pace of that. I love the balance of that giving me time to DO ME
Heck I could see him once or even twice a week and it would not be too much... YET
I don't have any DESIRE of feel of LACK to see him more when I see him only every other week.
That is the thing about me. Time in between is so not relevant when it comes to the connection and relationship I have with someone. Its like my brain doesn't even understand the concept of ghosting-
as if someone texts me back a week after I texted them it feels so NORMAL To my flow of conversation
I know that must be weird
I am an outlier I am sure

The autism gene and lack of NEED or even DESIRE to seek out time with others is there in my family

but like the balance and don't want to NOT have enough time to get my shit done.

And I think it is the ADHD brain and/or? some autistic like BRAIN traits to just NEED MORE ALONE TIME to get shit done
as when neurodivergent (whatever reason/ reality of diagnosis) hell even if it is something like Bi polar or OCD in some people- MOST neurodivergent people struggle SO MUCH with normal daily executive functioning skills that it just takes LONGER to get shit done!
and more EFFORT than a nurotypical person.
And then there are the moments of being in flow to be creative we somehow NEED. I mean we NEED TIME to do that. Time to be productive.

So its like if in a normal relationship ( OK what is normal?) I should say if in a typical, neurotypical relationship with communication flow and sharing of time and attention so much more often I think it just takes away time a disabled person actually NEEDS to tend to their own SELF CARE!

That is what it comes down to

Self care has to come first

You can't love anyone else until you LOVE YOURSELF and are taking care of YOUR OWN NEEDS to a level of not having stress and worry and anxiety.

The fact of any relationship PUSHES me to get more crap done that I somehow don't find energy to do just for me!!

The fact this man was coming over got me motivated to clean my house.

And it was SO NICE To have the house straightened, and clean and organized to come home after today's board meeting and relax in!!


So in listening to my brothers song I also realized that the vibe of our dates the past couple times-

I mean the flow, the relaxation, the peace THE WATCHING THE METS

heck even the swimming HA HA

are the vibe of my nuclear family when we get together.

I mean it was so wonderful. And then I realized when listening to my brother's song
Gonna take this time with me

That is exactly what it feels like I have BEEN DOING

Taking time with me

and this relationship is so perfect for me right now as I SO ENJOY Time with this man-
yet he doesn't encroach on MY TIME WITH ME


and I don't think it is in a narcissistic manner of loving myself more than others
of emotional unavailability
I don't feel that
I am not emotionally unavailable

I was definately wounded and HEALING after ART. I definately had to warm up and get over the chill period where one is numbed. Its like being fozen asleep. Like being in a sleeping state, literally frozen and need to thaw out and learn what it is like for senses to be aroused and feeling again.
I am thinking of Sleeping Beauty.
I never realized there was a metaphor in there of the wounding emotionally of Sleeping Beauty
but of course there is!

Well I enjoyed writing tonight.
Time to see how my now tie died with bleach shorts look.
I was irritated that when it was hot this afternoon I put on a nice pair of light blue shorts to sit outside. I should have KNOWN BETTER. The black pants that hide stains were getting hot- but I should have stayed upstairs in bed in just a t-shirt
as the massive blood flowing was happening today.

Its aggravating to read about this and just find

OH yeah it is totally normal just deal with it.

I will see a Dr. just to make sure...
A good OB GYN annual check up long overdue since the hot doc I never caught on was hitting on my ( so I went back to him as a patient) has since retired.

I still laugh about that. I mean the darn Dr. called me AT HOME during a time I was NO LONGER an active patient!! and asked about WHAT ROOFER we had used.... DAMN it was when separated...
Dumb me I gave the info and hung up. BUT DAMN his best friend he played racketball with once a week was our General Contractor back when married just a few short years earlier....
DAMN all those conversations over coffee when the GC was telling me about his best friend.....

and he watched my asshole husband at the time....

and was telling me of his bestie going through his divorce with this bitch of a selfish wife...
I mean.. I was so dense.

I didn't pick up on any of the nuances.
Which only in hind sight did I figure out...

LIKE YEARS later figured that out , long after hot doc was remarried!! HA HA

Hell maybe that is why I watch Grey's Anatomy...
HA HA I just want that to be possible one day ...( I know it is possible; To have a partner again but a decent healthy relationship!)) Years after I finally identified there was long ago mutual interest ..I only then looked at the doc's FB page to see when he and the nurse he fell in love he was callled Derek and she Meredith.... it was the joke among their friends at the local hospital where they obviously fell in love with each other while working together....)

'OK back to the present

This real man who is not a TV fantasy is enhancing my life much now. I am so happy with the pace and the balance of this relationship. It is working for me. Time will tell how long he is happy with this if it keeps working for both of us.

He might want more than I can give.
OR not..
who knows.
Will see.

But for now I am enjoying my life and thinking time to look at this period of unemployment as one of

"Gonna Take this Time with Me"

in conjunction with Gonna take this time with my kids

So they can grow into the person each wants to be
So they can take this love out in the world with each

Gonna take this love with me
hope they take this love with them
as they each learn to be all they can be

So gonna take this time with me....

and cherish the time with this man who has been figuring out who he wants to be
and I am happy enjoys spending some of his time with me

As we take our time with us

Its a nice pace.


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