2022-08-20 - 8:18 p.m.
I have a new tactic.
When I job hunt I am actually tenacious and diligent and highly motivated.
Yeah I am picky and discerning. I try to live by my values and will not compromise certain things.
For instance I said No to the invitation to interview for a Functional COO for a very large Amazon and Etsy shop that does EXACTLY What my Buffalo Guy friend does ( but scaled by 100X ) BECAUSE they have scaled by using CHEAP LABOR. They find folks on Upwork for example to work as copywriters for-
AVG pay of $6 per hour.
Are you fucking kidding me? A privately held company with 3000 plus amazingly well-designed items on their on line stores who are KILLING IT
Well really meaning they need to scale and need a VISIONARY To LEAD who can be an effective team building cheerleader to motivate and build cohesiveness and LOYALY and COMPANY CULTURE
All the things I would ROCK AT if I BELIEVED In the VALUES OF A COMPANY.
I am a bit damn picky and judgmental for sure
I won't lower my standards for the almighty dollar.
I mean I have to fucking TRUST
What would I DO
YOU SEE I basically have to fucking trust but VERIFY EVERYTHING
and in the past was NAIVE so I would do the due diligence so I could in good conscience sign off on FACTS in legal attestations and representations and certifications
And time after time I EXPECTED to just be doing due diligence- EXPECTING the fact to be TRUTHFUL and VERIFIED so I could sign
to then find out some BS.
Some fucking smoke and mirrors
some SAND of a story
someone's castle was built on
And TONS of folks along the way may or may not have know
Fuck I worked at a FEW fortune 100 companies
I honestly picked my last job As when I interfaced with them as a partner collaborator it was clear they were all about integrity. They called my old company out on their shit basically in this respectful manner I apprecated it very much.
*I am ranting- but just to add here. In one place, when I went to trust and verify, I confirmed that the founder is a fucking REAL NAVY SEAL I am proud I worked there with him
I just played the cards wrong and HID my freaking Type A personality
He didn't see it and I think in the end that is what he wants. I freaking love his energy
I love his drive
and I wish I could be as effective as HE IS at business development of my own company ( And I will in time once I hit the right environments to speak to folks in person- meaning once I Attend CONFERENCES)
But main point is I feel really good even it it was foolish and YES due to my realizing there are so many fucking liars out there
I mean it would be EMBARASSING to not have been able to simply TRUST HIM
To be naive and
that yes I am fucking wounded.
Only the wounded have the vision of seeing all these fucking possibilities- including the really dark and downright evil ones at times.
Its a freaking sad reality
and one anyone who has every encountered actual evil to the degree some have ...
I mean anyone who ever had anyone truly violent and hateful
DOES need more assurances at times to build trust.
So I FUCKED UP in my last job at letting some of my own trauma get in the way of positive momentum I think. Not necessarily internally but externally
as in I called out the BS
OK I did it internally as well...
But the company at CORE HAS INTEGRITY overall so that was not the actual issue
The real issue in the end turned out that I think they sensed MY LACK OF TRUST IN THEM
and I realize my trauma was deeper and more impactful than I understood
I WRITE OUT OF NECESSITY
It is my therapy
and it is easy and keeps me balanced so they I can go hit the day with zest and energy
and apply for jobs etc...
BUT MY NEW STRATEGY IS really to care for MY MENTAL HEALTH As much as I am dedicating to care for my family's physical and mental health.
after self reflection and realizing Yeah I have moment of paranoia
Like the paranoia
That I finally decided best delt with by the effort of confirmation! ( at $20 it was worth it for me and gave me peace of mind. I weighed the moral dilemma of what to do if it turned out the former CEO Of one company I left in the past was NOT A NAVY SEAL...I had to be prepared for the worst case scenario before I pursued this verification- just cause in PAST had some fucking surprising disappointing unexpected BAD OUTCOMES Of just routine trust and verify exercises any well trained and ethical legal personnel should ALL HAVE DONE... I mean I was like WTF??? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE NO ONE ACTUALLY KNOWS THIS?? ... and well... it never went well for me when I was the truth teller trying to fix some problem I didn't look for intentionally but just appeared....
and no matter how long ago some shit takes longer to heal
some shit is still with us and crops up when least expect it
SO MY NEW PLAN And STRATEGY
BUT make a shift
Rather than just journal and ramble here
WHAT IF I can monetize this actual need for me??
What if I put AS MUCH ENERGY into writing for calls for work as I do into job hunting?
Could I become a published and PAID writer -with more frequency than once every ten years! if I actually planned and put effort into it?
Could that be supplemental income?
I think it is feasible.
So that is my new strategy.
But just shift what I consider work.
Consider the actual work of writing .
For one thing I gave up on persuit of professional writing YEARS Ago after the last paid article I wrote. I did get a nice check for something like $100 ?? I think?? For a Short article in VA Gardener Magazine.
But the RESEARCH and the time it took to write the article did not seem worth it at the time to keep pursuing creative writing. I could not AFFORD to do so.
That has always been my assessment of the creative work I find EASY and fun.
I was a JAZZ show DJ in college and LOVED it.
So I always did the cost benefit and chose the MONEY Over the thing I was GOOD at that brought me joy.
So this is my shift. My paradigm shift and my plan shift
I am going to allow as much energy into that which gives me JOY as I put into the efforts to EARN MONEY for the well being of everyone else.
THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS
Because doing ANYTHING either NEW or which have not done in a LONG Time feels scary at first.
HERE IS THE SECRET
It becomes Easier. Then suddenly one day it becomes FLOW just the thing you get absorbed in doing with undivided attention and ENJOYMENT
that is the thing I strive for
Those moments of actual FLOW
They happen in running. The moment where there is no more tension of muscle or mind. The moment where your body is warmed up and your muscles are limber and releaxed and smooth and can stretch and retract without tension
Where thoughts come relazed and free
OR you can just BE without any worrisome thoughts
And either a clear head so fully experiencing the moment with full presence
OR Complete relaxation and letting go
allmost lack of AWARENESS Of self
We get in our own way.
Ever wonder what one means when they say
IT is that-
whether it is at rest
AS actual athletic action is metabolically one of creativity, of the building of muscle, actual cell creation,
Yet ironically it is the LETTING GO of worry of hyperfixation on self
It is shedding so many skins of self to let the new regenerated self emerge
It is a re-birth
I want to willfully chose a re-birth
OF letting go of the anxiety driven motivation to produce
For financial security being my end goal
and for letting faith be my guide
and perhaps letting go of the need to verify
But just allow momentum and movement and creation
This requires discernment of where to invest my time, energy and labor.
which is why this shift
as I want to continue to curate this life I want.
I knew I did not want 40 plus hours of my life each week to be in labor for benefit of some Fortune 100 corp.
I KNEW my focus and the nucleus of my life needed to be my family.
It may be self centered to think that,
but I listened to a song my brother wrote today with new understanding.
this is my brother who has been now trying to jump back into the workplace
If you ask him if he REGRETS having taking those years away from it
I am POSITIVE THE ANSWER IS NO
He took those years to re-find his self in a way
To be re-centered.
TEN years ago he wrote this great song
I think I never apprechiated that song until today when reading the novel I am reading (Still working on Cutting for Stone)
It was really poignant how he wrote
And the song really was about the nucleus of HOME and family ( whether the one born into or the friends who become family) being the foundation for one's growth which builds what they bring out into the world.
I mean this was so VALIDATING to me.
My parents did a wonderful job of that.
OF creating a home and a family where everyone was loved and cared for. MY DAD IS STILL DOING IT.
And I know it is achievable for me to continue to do it.
I HAVE SUCCEEDED I realized
I have NOT Failed even if a setback
EVEN IF This month, and last month it was my KIDS who literally shared their resources of their earned money by loaning to me to pay the mortgage.
Both a sermon I heard two weeks ago
and that song
were so impactful that I am on the right path to be in the place I am meant to be.
The sermon was at a church In DC I attended after leaving my lover.( Leaving spending time with him that is). What a lovely Saturday evening we had enjoyed at his place where he made dinner and we watched a Mets game, made love, and then the next morning I enjoyed going to church.
God loves like that
Life is like that
We don't lose those who love us and those we love just because we are giving attention to others.
That sermon was so validating that it is the right thing to love and support my kids who are here and NEED ME NOW
this next time I spent with my lover. Funny how two weeks later it was like a repeat of the date , but amin my home this weekend rarher than me going there. I do think he lost interest when we dated a couple of years ago in part as I never let him into my world then.( I mean literally, physically as it was the first year of Covid and my kids all lived here and I had not wanted guests ever so I only went to spend weekends at his place not vice versa, and he does want a more reciprocal give and take of course!
I was so happy with the lovely evening! The really nice tender time with him afterwards was once again just perfect. I mean he is a really good lover. I am really grateful for the podcast
I commented if SHE went public and sold stock I would buy some.
I mean the differnce in OUR comfort is significant. When I dated him last time I felt like he was a bit hyperfixated on sex, I mean too focused on that...and it was boring. I mean honestly if someone is trying too hard I find it just a turn off if not at the same confort zone. But there has been a definate shift. think it is honeslty a difference in HIS comfort level with HIS body and his confidence and his comfort level with sex in general, and understanidng of woman in particular - I mean this man
He gets it that sex is not all about just the man having an orgasm!
but hell when having really GREAT Sex with someone that happens---what.... for a minute or so..
there are SO MANY nerve endings in SO MANY PLACES to discover, stimulate and have arousal in response to touch
He has figured it out!
This man has figured out how to kiss!! I MEAN NO DOUBT that I enjoyed the best kissing session with him
It was really wonderful.
The other thing of it is that this was while I surprisingly had my monthly visitor. Now I am premenopausal
I am basically HEMMORAGGING
I mean moment of just SHEARING my my body is happening unexpectedly.
Of course it would start the morning of my date but it was easy to still share wonderful physical intimacy as thus giy is not afraid to be physically intimate just cause there may be some normal human messiness. Such a different focus on sharing tenderness and meaningful physical connection which can be really sexually charged and satisfying EVEN if choose not to have intercourse in a moment!! I mean some folks never figure out the fullness of menu options on the smorgasbord before them so to speak! HA ha
The contrast was just remarkable between expectations and comfort of accepting where each is at in a moment and enjoying simple shared pleasures
Like a kiss
Or tender holding and caress
Which we both can enjoy
And the attitudes of some of my past truly self centered lovers. The ones who have a sense of entitlement abd honestly think sex was all about THEM and only their one small body part.....
So this man has done the work to educate himself! A couple of years ago I suppose it came across as actually self focused cause he seemed to event great sex. But I judged him
Honestly not for that desire but for trying so hard...
I GUESS FOR GETTING IN HIS OWN WAY!
That is it...
His own blocks of overthinking
And his own learning curve. I MEAN HE WAS LEARNING and I suppose I felt he was in learning mode not really relationship material mode but in thise self development phase. Not that I judged that.
But I just was bored by it. I guess I also felt like some of what was so new and exciting to him was familiar and ...hell I am a woman...He seemed to be discovering more about women , but also men-As he was learning about himself
But his learning curve ( like mine 20 yrs ago) is best served by more than one partner!! And I wanted him, still want him to have his own personal growth! It's just interesting there is some shift where he is not trying you hard
Where he hits tgat flow! Ha...yes...where we hit flow together
And I like the space for both his growth and my own time for mine. I did not expect this surprising chemistry.
I mean we have not had a date in two weeks-
The autism gene and lack of NEED or even DESIRE to seek out time with others is there in my family
but like the balance and don't want to NOT have enough time to get my shit done.
And I think it is the ADHD brain and/or? some autistic like BRAIN traits to just NEED MORE ALONE TIME to get shit done
So its like if in a normal relationship ( OK what is normal?) I should say if in a typical, neurotypical relationship with communication flow and sharing of time and attention so much more often I think it just takes away time a disabled person actually NEEDS to tend to their own SELF CARE!
That is what it comes down to
Self care has to come first
You can't love anyone else until you LOVE YOURSELF and are taking care of YOUR OWN NEEDS to a level of not having stress and worry and anxiety.
The fact of any relationship PUSHES me to get more crap done that I somehow don't find energy to do just for me!!
The fact this man was coming over got me motivated to clean my house.
And it was SO NICE To have the house straightened, and clean and organized to come home after today's board meeting and relax in!!
IT was SO NICE and PEACEFUL.
So in listening to my brothers song I also realized that the vibe of our dates the past couple times-
I mean the flow, the relaxation, the peace THE WATCHING THE METS
heck even the swimming HA HA
are the vibe of my nuclear family when we get together.
I mean it was so wonderful. And then I realized when listening to my brother's song
That is exactly what it feels like I have BEEN DOING
Taking time with me
and this relationship is so perfect for me right now as I SO ENJOY Time with this man-
and I don't think it is in a narcissistic manner of loving myself more than others
I was definately wounded and HEALING after ART. I definately had to warm up and get over the chill period where one is numbed. Its like being fozen asleep. Like being in a sleeping state, literally frozen and need to thaw out and learn what it is like for senses to be aroused and feeling again.
Well I enjoyed writing tonight.
Its aggravating to read about this and just find
OH yeah it is totally normal just deal with it.
I will see a Dr. just to make sure...
I still laugh about that. I mean the darn Dr. called me AT HOME during a time I was NO LONGER an active patient!! and asked about WHAT ROOFER we had used.... DAMN it was when separated...
and he watched my asshole husband at the time....
and was telling me of his bestie going through his divorce with this bitch of a selfish wife...
I didn't pick up on any of the nuances.
LIKE YEARS later figured that out , long after hot doc was remarried!! HA HA
Hell maybe that is why I watch Grey's Anatomy...
'OK back to the present
This real man who is not a TV fantasy is enhancing my life much now. I am so happy with the pace and the balance of this relationship. It is working for me. Time will tell how long he is happy with this if it keeps working for both of us.
He might want more than I can give.
But for now I am enjoying my life and thinking time to look at this period of unemployment as one of
"Gonna Take this Time with Me"
So they can grow into the person each wants to be
Gonna take this love with me
So gonna take this time with me....
and cherish the time with this man who has been figuring out who he wants to be
As we take our time with us
Its a nice pace.
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