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2022-08-29 - 8:08 p.m.

I have not been writing the morning pages as diligently. Just have been tired and then when get up it is time to go do something.

This weekend I had a nice run. It was not planned really as I had some pains in my leg, and I think after wearing heels at work a couple days some shin aches. (Getting too old for regular wearing of heels!)
I was nervous about my legs actually having some pain and what felt like at a few moments a neuropothy flare of sorts. They just , I don't know how else to say it- but gave out. Like I could not walk or stand normally as that muscle on the right which was the same darn one injured years ago that I THOUGHT was healed just was not able to support weight for a moment , or a few moments truth be told.

It happened at the end of a long day. I forget the day, and I forget why I was exhausted. But my body was exhausted and I sat down to rest; then got up just to bring the dog outside with me to the mailbox to get my mail. Coming back it was like the leg just gave out. I didnt' fall; but felt it give way and shifted my weight. It had a sharp pain and was weak ,which is why I am feeling like it was a nuropathy thing.
Just the sharp pain made me think nerve related? When I did a google search .. of course have to self diagnose!
But the weird thing is I could walk sideways. I walked back to my house side stepping, in the motion that was one of the physical therapy exercises I was supposed to do to strengthen that muscle and the hip flexers.

So if that same muscle could be moved side to side but not front to back maybe it was nerve related?

But all I know is I was exhaused that evening so sat to rest and went to bed early.

On Sat morning I awoke and there was pain on the BOTTOM of my feet.

I mean soles
I am concerned as have heard of pain like that related to diabetes but I have never had a diagnosis of diabetes!

I did have the blood pressure drops , the ocular distrubances over the years, the narcolepsy like sleep disorder (idopathic hypersomnia) and all other sorts of weird symptoms. Some of which I thought were explained by gluecose intolerence based on all I read- (self diagnosis!) but I never got any doctor to TEST for that. They just gave me the glucose test once to test for diabetes.

But for years I felt like EVEN THOUGH my body was not testing for diabetes there was this confluence of symptoms almost the same as a prediabetic or diabetc.

So weird

So I have watched my carbs and sugar to try to minimize glucose spikes and those symptoms.
When I eat well, sleep well and get exercise they are minimized or go away!

The thing I have been missing is the exercise piece.
So I really wanted to run on Saturday but the pain in my legs that happened, and then the pain on the souls of my feet made me worry. (Oh yeah I not only felt pain on the feet when awoke but not only one but BOTH legs also had pain in them. )

I was just afraid to go run thinking what if my legs give out?

Somehow the idea of taking my bike out seemed less risk and less stress on my legs. So I finally got my bike out from under the porch where it was stored to get ready to ride it.

WELL all that powerwashing of the porch basically soaked my bike, then rusted the heck out of the chain. SO I started to clean the chain. I was getting ready to ride and almost done when the doorbell rang unexpectedly. It was a good thing the dog barking alerted me to that as I would not have noticed otherwise!

Wondering who the heck that was, I went to find out it was the church food pantry giving my family another helpful delivery! I had called them when provisions were pretty much gone *But for a few leftovers in the fridge! They usually schedule a time and this time the lady I spoke with had not mentioned that ( think she just forgot to ask if Sat morn was good!). I had gone shopping the week before for a few essentials: milk and bread. Then went again and finally picked up the cheese for us to make a pizza with the crust that was frozen sitting in the freezer for months! (OH the pizza we ordered was honestly REALLY disappointing that day! Ours came out WAY Better!). But I called for some more food help as every penny has to go to the mortgage payment and honestly that is all that is left that I can afford to pay for just now!( Waiting on my next paycheck from the retirement community to pay the mortgage actually. It will be soon enough. Got an email that my Dental Insurance was cancelled for non payment! Ce la vie... I saw a dentist once this year and got a cleaning. She told me I had four small cavities that she wanted to fill and I said Not yet.. I was going to get them done in August but now will wait til I can afford to! I wasn't going to get them done anyway even with the insurance. I had brought my kid in this year for a cleaning and also had the kid's cavities filled so it was good we both got our teeth taken care of for the most part. My cavities are tiny- but I think she is a good dentist. Its not like they are hurting me- The last dentist saw them and said "Wait and see" and told me sometimes there is this calcification that happens and a tiny cavity can resolve itself! Interesting.. Lucky no pain or issues.)

My kids Dad irritates me when he plays dumb. I sent him an email with a copy of the invoice of the bill due to the Allergist for the copayments for the youngest (who just turned 18). He is so difficult as he can't just read the whole email like a normal person would do ( Which has all the invoicing clearly articulated). He has to play games and play dumb and write back stupidly
"Send the invoice and I will be a happy to pay my share"

* I had already run the numbers and asked him exactly for his share.

I can't ask him for anything without him playing dumb then delaying with the stupidest emails back and forth then my favorite , the typical condescending
"Let's try to get this resolved whenever you are ready." as if he needs some info I have not provided.

Most people would get an email like the one I sent asking
"Can you send your percentage to help cover the copays?
Let me know how you want to do so. It would be $78.55 based on my calculations.:

by just sending the freaking money somehow. He has to have nonsense emails back and forth and ignored the copied invoice with all the dates and total bill included in the first email.

Its just such a game to him. Posturing. Making moves and vollying back and forth like its chess.

He is basically a cheap bastard that can't simply have cut a check or used venmo to help pay his kid's co-pays for allergy shots received since Spring.

A month later- two appointments a week continued of her immunotherapy and the bill of course is now even more.

I should not be surprised by his game playing.

Unless he really does not read and is not as smart as I thought.

Just a vent as normal people don't have to have such bizarre communication. He has sent three emails since my simple ask he help pay the bill ( which was copied into the email with dates of service and details)
I ran the numbers for his % and asked for the exact amt. But he has to go back and forth over nonsense...

One with the assinine comment "I'd appreciate getting asked in advance about doctors appointments for non emergency visits" as if this was never discussed, or as if it was so outlandish to take this kid to treat asthma and allergies to an allergist. He is just such an asshole. I did, on the rare fucking occassion I got him on the phone, ask him if HE would take the youngest for her allergy shots when she did spend a few weeks visiting him. We discussed she was going in for the treatment. So for him to act like he had no clue is disingenuous bullshit
the same kinda bullshit he always pulled.
Creating whatever mirage of some non reality he then likes to pretend is real.

So fucking weird and it is so old and tiring.
I typically just ignore his BS BUT The thing is it pisses me off as the whole intent of this kinda bullshit is to be intentionally difficult to avoid fiscal accountability

AND The truth is that it succedded as these past years I DID NOT go to court to adjust and seek child support once no one wanted to live with him anymore.

I mean it was a nice thing I thought that two of the kids did go visit with him for two weeks this summer. I thought that was GREAT for their relationship since none of them wanted to live with him or be around him for quite a while.

BUT whatever.
The one was last with him in the beginning of COVID when he refused to bring her back and forth and kept her in lockdown until months later. Whatever... I let him.. knowing his fear of COVID was real... hell alot of his intensity and panic and then agression was literally fear based when he was freaking out about some thing or another.
So I GOT IT that he was legit more comfortable keeping her there when COVID hit. I didn't even complain about that
But that was freaking years ago and she has been here since.
And the asshole did not pay a penny in child support and now has nerve to give me flack about the one fucking bill I am asking for help with now that I am out of work and NEED some help to pay the damn doctor's bill!

He is just such an asshole.

It makes me wish I had fucking taken him to court for child support when I could.
I am rather sure now that the kid is 18 it is too fucking late for that.
What the hell
He is just being so freaking cheap and with his OWN KIDS' CARE. That is what is so fucked up about this.

Some dudes are paying freaking Alimony when they had their wives stay home with kids instead of working ( which I did for years!! I mean I did just the part time immigration consulting work.)
HE was just such an asshole.

Just made me think of my neighbor and friend Faucci- Wonder how he is?

I think he has finally settled into being happy in his realtionship with his non commital girlfriend. Hell time has passed! Its almost seven year now I think for them! I can't believe its been three since I became friends with him. His biggest anxiety was his fear of his girlfriend not really loving him and not really being willing to commit. But the thing is, she had ten years of $10 K A month in alimony from her ex husband (a tax attorney- a partner in a firm so he could afford to continue to support his kids in the lifestyle they were used to. HE moved out and she staying in the family home with the kids and they still go to the private school they had been in etc...) So Fauci's girlfriend was not even going to consider remarriage until that 10 yr mark.
I always thought that was sad. As Fauci himself is comfortable. He has his retirement from his years in the Marines. Then he has the teaching job which he can retire from in just a couple more years and he will have the pension from that as well. He is finally almost free of alimony to his ex who is getting remarried. As a wedding gift he is literally giving her a lump sum to pay off the final shared debt that they apparently had-
kinda of a nice gift to help her out as his alimony payments HE has been paying are to end. She worked but beacuase of the years she did stay home when there three were young he did pay some alimony too- as her income was considerably less than his.

It is just so fascinating to me to see OTHER People handle divorce with actual CARE and CONCERN for each other even though they know the marriage is over , that they can be respectful and in some cases even freinds to a degree.

Anyway.. Fauci seemed so much more content and not as anxious and just all around HEALTHIER when I enjoyed swimming with him once this summer ( maybe a month ago now?) It was so nice to see! He also respected my boundaries better! *(and those of his own relationship)
I was happy for him.
I declined his offer I stop by for a drink with him!( HA Why ? Why oh why do something NOT SMART dear friend like have a drink when you know you then forget the boundaries and it makes it hard for you...)

I did stop by , with the dog, and said NO to the drink to see what he has done to his house that he has fixed up and made his own. It looked fantastic and it was so nice to see ! That was his marital home so I think it was so much better for him to make it his own. He ripped out the carpets and put in lovely hardwood floors. New kitchen cabinets, modern lighting fixtures, new art on the wall, new furniture.
So lovely! Very masculine energy and I love it!
(The old style was very much his ex wifes blended with just pockets of his presence in a much more random and messy way. For instance he has all his medals from his service, and his running stuff now in a nice space.)

I would love to see if he has plans for the holiday and if not maybe convince him to get that canoe out on the water.
Will see. If he wants my DC guy friend could also come and maybe he could convince his girl to go out on the canoe too. She seemed hesitant. I think it would be such fun and he keeps saying he wants to entertain in his new home. Maybe he and his girl would like to hang with me AND the DC Guy I have been seeing.
A thought...
I think that would actually be fun and that we would ALL get along really well to be honest.

In other news the basement, now that the college student is back to school, was cleared out (almost!) today to get it ready to rent.
A friend from church happens to be a realtor which I noticed on her facebook! My friend I go walking with in town here every few weeks or so had been a real estate agent for years but did not renew her liscense and let it lapse a couple of years ago. So she was not interested in listing it for me now. So the real estate agent came to look and she I think was surprised as how nice the space is.
(It really is! Its literally the nicest part of my home!)

There is alot of light for a basement apt. There is a nice wood fireplace down there.
I am so glad I invested in fixing it up years ago. That was the best choice!

So I will soon enough have a new basement dweller! This time paying rent. It is already weird not to have the college student here with us. We actually already miss him.
He was pleasant and the siblings here definately all became better friends due to all living here the past few years.

So when break comes this year the living room couch will be his space!
We can make due...
It used to be his favorite place to crash anyway! (Oh .. that is one reason to retain the old comfy couch that there was an insurrction when I tried to toss it out a couple of years ago!! HA HA ... yes one more Spring Break and one more summer perhaps before he gets settled? HE may not come back next summer but what if he needs to before finding a job? That couch is the best sleeping couch!)

I typically list my basement funished or unfurnished then see what manifests.

So if someone needs furnished it is set up now nicely. The realtor liked it!
I spent this afternoon hustling to move all the remaining belongings of ours out of the space! My bed is loaded with LAUNDRY I need to folk and put away! (Mostly kids! I have taken care of mine but some of theirs got washed and the laundry pile on the kitchenette area table just got converted to the laundry table!)

I bet some of it is clothes of the college student! I will stash in the hall closet for him.

I have so much stuff still in this house in storage for my son the actor who's roomies dropped it off when he let go of the NYC apt. My oldest visited and we shipped much to him and she took much back to her place as he told her to take what she wanted! The furnishing in the basement actually came from him! The basement apartment is really nice as except for one desk that was mine and the small couch I bought intending to replace the old one up in the living room- the rest of the stuff was from his NYC apt! There is a beauiful table with Asian scene painted on it that was in the office of his manager who re-did the office and was getting rid of the old furniture. There is an accompanying beautiful wood carved side table with an Asian motif as well. I have these lovely stools he had bought (Which work great as a couple are short and the slip right under the small round table. They can be tucked away when not in use and pulled out when needed which is great in a smaller space.)
He had this terriffic narrow thin shelf I placed in the hall next to a coat rack. Both modern and they look nice together. There is a Queen Bed that was his. ( I priced that exact matress and it is $1000 new).
That has just been leaning in storage but for when my older kids visited and it was pulled out for their use.

I went ahead and bought a bedding set for it as the room was for a while a nice guest room! HA HA I didn't really expect to have to rent the space again. I had that guest room set up so nicely. Hmm..I recall one guest only... HA HA
Was it last Halloween?
HA I interesting got a text today from the guy who was my guest then. It was perfect timing just to connect with him via text today for a few minutes as I was waiting for my kid at her allergy shot. I thought I was just going to read my novel but he surprised me. (Its been a while since heard from him but Mondays are still his day off work! I used to hear from him Mondays)

I took a break from writing to walk Bellatrix. When I got up my legs were SO STIFF. That is when the pain happens! It is just a stiffness really, like my muscles get bound up. Then when I stand the bottom of my feet hurt.
Maybe it is just normal soreness that happens with age! Not so young such that after being on my feet and very active ( I was running hauling stuff upstairs- piles of towels and linens that were stored on shelves in the basement moved to an upstairs hall closet along with the clothes dumped on my bed and various other things piled on a chair in my room to sort through. )
I was moving furniture around, quickly cleaning- running a sponge to capture dust on the window sills, cleaning the bathroom sink and mirror.

So I was really active and got quite a workout!
My muscles are just tired I guess. So when I got up after resting, when they are in rejuvination mode- they just don't shift right back to active mode. NO there is a resistance; and a pain- and soreness. Maybe it is just swelling and contracting.. etc..
the effect of a good work out then needing healing.
Protein is good after a work out to rebuild muscle. I ate a tuna sandwich for dinner (as it was leftover and turns out no one else likes tuna! I cooked some ground pork and reaheated black beans and made tacos for everyone else!) So hopefully after a good night sleep the muscles with rejuvinate and there will not be too much stiffness and soreness.
OH Main reason I wrote about the pains and aches.. is that I was nervous about over doing it on Saturday after awaking to them.
But after I got the bike ready to go, but got interrupted by the food delivery so did not take my bike out, Bellatrix really wanted a walk so I took her outside. Well, that was not good enough.. Bellatrix really wanted to run. So she basically took me on a run!
I mean I let her lead and she wanted to take off and I felt great by then, the pain passed. I felt wonderful as I started to run. I felt so good that I kept going and we ended up having a really lovely run around town to the nice trail that is here. The trail is shady as trees line it, so it is cooler under the canaopy there.
It felt SO GOOD to be running without pain and without fear of pain! But I could see how when someone has pain in their body how it DOES make them afraid of exercise. I mean those small moments ot that happening to me no doubt gave me a but more understanding of the reluctance to the point of actual fear of exercise my kids with chronic illness have.

The disappointment I have is this:
Why is it I don't really have the fullness of true empathy until I actaully experience pain?
I wish I could do better than that.
I wish we ALL could do better than that. Imagine if we could have empathy by just listening to others' experiences.
Imagine if our empathy was not dependant on our understanding.

Time for bed!I am tired and flipped so many letters just typing htem backwards or out of order if you like to call it hat- in a dyslexic is type of pattern. * Ha fixed most but left just one! HA

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