2022-08-30 - 9:24 a.m.

I am heartbroken for my friend who just posted that five days ago she lost her 2nd daughter-
lost as in died.

Both her girls battled addiction since teens.
Both had been in rehab and hospitalization programs to care for mental health.

The youngest was having a rough patch and hospialized last April

Then her older sister went into a rehab and the day after she came out was found dead in her own home
by her kids
Horrifying.
She was home with her family.

My friend had been recovering from her grief. I was encouraged that she started to do some work she was proud of and was seeing hope and experiencing joy-
just this month;
early AUG she posted of the joy of her recent experienced. Said how this group she found that she was working with where she was accepted and thriving literally saved HER LIFE as she was coming out of her deep depression/shock/grief.

Her youngest obviously never overcame the grief of the loss of her older sister whom she was close to.

I am just heartbroken.

I know no details.
But I know her past struggles.

She was a beautiful, and gifted person.

The last time I saw her I had gone out to a bar where a group of old musicians still play 20s through 40s old jazz. The group is composed of men who's avg age must be 85. Not kidding... no exaggeration.
They have been all sorts of career men who raised families and played their music on the side for the last 40 plus years together. They have had rotating membership as some of their friends in this big brass big band would pass away.

It was the one place I loved to bring international student musicians who visited years ago when we hosted them. They got to see real American home grown music at its finest in this little not very popular bar which would be empty but for a few die hard music fans and a few family. Then the occassisonal surge of strangers walking by would happen and they would stroll in and for a moment this normally almost empty space filled with amazing music would transform into an old style dance hall. I mean everyone would dance.
It was always an amazing transformation.

The last time I saw this beutiful young , and taletned lady, was about three years ago I think? My bestie who has since moved was in town and she and I went out to hear the jazz cats and I to sing ( I do a tune or two) and in strolled this lovely young friend of ours.
She was clearly not herself clean but she was venting at how upset she was that her sister who had been clean for a number of years was relapsing. She was furious with her sister. I mean she was not clean in talking to me as was drinking, and perhaps high (pot) but it was not HEROIN use and she was just absolutley furious that her sister was back at it.
She was scared for her. She was upset. She was furious at her mother truth be told as she wanted her mother to DO SOMETHING MORE

But honestly what more could her mother do?? She had ratted her sis out in an attempt to get help for her.

That was three ,maybe four years ago?
We listened, we empathized, we met her new beau who she was with- they had come in together.
THEN The absolute highlight of the night was when she was asked to sing.

This young lady took that microphone
and I mean
NO LIE I thought this is a rare talent, like likes of great singers- like Lady Gaga. I mean the power of her voice
the beauty
She was tremendous as as singer

Soulful
emotional
moving
stunning
remarkable

The POWER of her voice and the execution

AMAZING

Her mother is a trained musician who attended of the finest conservatorys and has taught music most of her life while composing her own brilliant works. Brilliant works maybe 50 to 100 people will come hear when she does a piano concert.

YET despite the lack of apprechiation locally, HER WORK IS REMARKABLE and she is an exceptional talent. (It's like the immediate family and locals who are used to someone who is a part of their world sometimes doesn't realize how good the familiar artist is. But once they LEAVE and go elsewhere they are really recognized! So my friend goes to CA or NY at times to perform)

And her youngest just inherited her gift, and was trained by her mom to an extent.

But she did not nurture it to the extent she could have.

I pulled out the phone and recorded that georgous delivery of song from my friend's youngest daughter who already was heartbroken at that time of the recording- ALREADY... already heartbroken at the fear of losing her sister to addiction.
To heroin. The older sister had been clean but recently relapsed when I saw the younger one who was so very upset and just wanted her older sister to kick that demon.

My friend, her mother described the pull of heroin on heroldest daughter like a dementor from Harry Potter- a force that just sucks the soul right out of a person.
She said years ago when her daughter so struggled , right before she got her into a rehab program then
that it was like the soul of her daughter was lost.
Her body inhabited by someone else- this evil force, a demon and it needed to be expelled.

I don't understand what kind of high someone would chase initially to ever start heroin. But even if I don't understand that- I get it that once addicted
Its hard for anyone to kick it.

So now I am heartbroken, our friends and many in the community are heartbroken for this beautiful mother who is not grieving the loss of both her loving beautiful daughters. I have no idea how the younger sister died but fear it too may have been addiction ( or suicide after the loss of her sister). I just hope my friend can overcome this grief as it is such a heavy burden.

I just have to continue to go through the social media, messaging, phones etc
and hope I FIND That video of the absolutely georgous singing of this now passed georgous spirited young soul.

She had such love.
SUCH LOVE
Truly was loving daughter and sister and a beautiful person who had such challenges but had been doing well and trying so damn hard too... like her sister.

I feel like after her older sister's death ( Two years apart) just broke her own heart- and no matter what the phyical causes that she really died of a broken heart. She died of her own grief overcoming her choices. It is just so tragic.

I just hope my friend overcomes this grief. She has the love of a beautiful husband and I am so grateful he is in her life. She is not alone.

I was calling and trying to reach her as I wanted to go visit. I wanted to try to stop by the last time I drove to help my older gal move into her new apartment but I also had work and time was limited. I called her and tried to connect a few times and told her I would call again as wanted to take a trip out to see her soon.

I am heartbroken myself.
I need to call my bestie who is on the California coast where she moved to see if she has heard the news yet. She is not tapped into social media. I so hope she herself is OK and it makes me think of her too. (I have been thinking of her and how I need to call. I honestly felt badly that the last time I talked she did the thing of calling me alot and what I felt like was PRESSURING me to try to come visit.)
I should not look at it like that
It just the last thing I can afford to do now is travel.
And when she said she would love me to come; but pack light and maybe just bring her a suitcase of her stuff and ...
well she went on
and it was clear the invite is to join her and BE with her in her hobo beach life

I mean my best friend is literally technically homeless.
She picks up jobs here and there- petsitting; cleaning; caretaking which sometimes offer a place to stay. BUT she is a true gypsy. She had her essential documents copied and stored in safe places here with friends and her daughter-
and has simply her car and the essentials in it she needs as she is in a beautiful spot in California where she picks up work and is easily able to hang a hammock to sleep.

She is resiliant and creative and one of the hardest workers I know. YET she is choosing. yes I say CHOOSING to live that lifestyle.

Maybe it is not a choice. But I think she could TRY To get a job again and rent a room and live here or do the same there. Perhaps it is not a choice as her own mental illness is such a challenge to manage and she is tired of trying to conform and control and MASK
YES tired of masking. She has so many incredible skills but also severely limited by PTSD moments, and her own emotional dysregulation, the moment of severe depression are debilitating when she is here in this climate that has cold winters. She calls it seasonal affective disorder- I call it bipolar in her that is more enhanced when there are weather shifts.

BUT I just was not keen on a vacation to go bum around the beaches. EVEN THOUGH I Love camping!

I just am not up for that kind of adventure.
And I guess I was put off by the planning on her part of how I could come help her. MAybe that is selfish and wrong of me but I was taking it as very manipulative as she wasn't really missing me but wanted me to come to bring her things
like she was looking for a currier...
and then my own lack of trust kicked in,
or my own paranoia
or overactive imagination takes flight

Like Why the hell would someone want to live SO OFF THE GRID UNLESS there was some REASON

and then my fanciful imagination that there could be more to her story kicks in.

I mean there could be....

Who lives by managing CASH ONLY not using electronic banking even?

What the hell
spys or criminals...
OR those mentally ill with intense paranoia of our systems....

So the 3rd could be all there is to it
BUT She is so freaking SMART and also manipulative and I KNOW THIS

I mean she has a way of getting people to help her out and do things for her ALL THE TIME

In fact I laughed yesterday and told my kid they were "pulling a June" when my kid asked a random stranger to help us as we were changing a taillight and having an issue and the kind nice guy ALMOST DID.
HE offered to and I curtly said NO
(My kid also thought he worked for the auto parts store and did not realize he was another shopper! I had been chatting with the guy in the store and he happened to have his truck next to ours when we came out and were monkeying around with the tail lights.)

It was funny however as the moment made me think of June. And how she would have had him doing the car repair- which we were perfectly capable of figuring out how to do ourselves.

I will call her now- not too early for her there in California.

Truth be told anytime I DO trust and have a JUNE adventure it is ALWAYS a blast.

The only exception is when traveling. I like to go with her HERE when she plans anything. But when traveling with her that is when there have been control issues. Where she HAD to be in control or try to exert control- where we had other people invoved and it was THEIR THING ( like my kid's college graduation she wanted to come to; or my oldest kids performance she was not invited to specifically by my kid but invited herself to- asked to come along and I said OK..)

I mean there are boundry issues that arose on EVERY one of those times we travelled where she was not the one planning the trip and inviting others. If it is HER thing I am great going along. But she has an inabiluty to VER go along with anyone elses plans and just accompany them. She ends up being disruptive. She does her own thing and peiple are like "Where the hell did she go off to?" She always has some otehr agenda Something she is going in tandem on others time in a way.
It is excruciating to invite her along as she can not follow any set agenda

Almost this passive agressive , oppositionally defiant need to be in control that she has which makes it hard to socialize with her when ANYONE ELSE has been involved in any planning.

Then she does this thing of taking photos-
And she takes BEAUTIFUL photos.Make no mistake she has a gift
BUT at every occassion she has no concept of social boundaries and acts like a wedding planner who is over the top type A bossy and suddenly has a whole group, a whole room, the whole damn place following her orders for a photo shoot.

So when my life is not exactly feeling stable

BE it a weaker emotional moment
Or one of financial instability

HONESTLY I have less energy to be around her then. I am just not up for it.

She had friends choose to not continue friendhsips with her and some explained her energy is too much for them. They find it draining.

It has hurt her immesely.

I don't want to STOP being friends with her but understand the need for setting helathy boundaries.

The thing I find most offputting his her passive agressive comments.
She says shit like
" I love our beautiful friendship. Some of my girlfirends are suprised I am still friends with you. They don't understand it"

She does that shit of bringing up the fact of my having had a relationship of sorts with her EX
AFTER she encouraged it..
YEARS AGO.. I mean she enouraged me to see Henry. She said they were long over...
hell she practically manipulated WANTING Me to be in relationship SO HE WAS NEAR AND STILL IN HER ORBIT

I saw what she was trying to do..
I mean I got it...

But the reason she had a hard time forgiving is that when he and I WERE invoved I did not bring him into the orbit of my family life. She did not even KNOW during the time of our involvement. She only learned of it later and THEN Was so upset.
She said it was not that we were involved but that we never TOLD HER.

Only one reason for that
IT was because it did not BENEFIT HER
it did not help her in any way and her encouraging was really not about anything other than HER desire to keep him in her life at some level.

OK this should all be water under the bridge. But I guess after working hard to learn the songs to sing for her birthday
It really hurt me that AT HER PARTY she said these passive aggressive things to me. The veiled attacks sandwiched in a compliment.

The "I decided to invite you and to let you meet my friends" comments

It is funny as on the invite posting at some point she had a photo of all those singing or playing music at her BD party. She posted a photo of me that I find really unflattering.

I have a double chin in it! HA I mean it is how the picture came out- my neck wrikled as I smiled BUT IT MAKES ME LOOK HEAVY

and it is a photo I think very unflattering.

It is also of me holding a rose that she had plucked out off my bush to give to someone else. I mean she asked if she could and I should have said NO! As at the time there were no others left
but I said YES and later regretted it. I wanted that rose for all to enjoy. I wanted to enjoy it. If I wanted to cut it I would have done so and put it in MY living room. But I thought the better of that so I was annoyed at myself that I said YES when she asked to cut it and then bring it to her next friend she was visiting

She truly never likes to show up empty handed! She is a gift giver
of small tokens of apprechiation and affection.
I guess I needed to vent and journal about this before I call her JUST TO LET IT GO

I don't feel any need to discuss with her.
June is June

And yes I value her friendship as she is this beautiful loving person who has such a gift of literally bringing JOY To people. I don't want to diminsh that-
as when she is in the POSTITIVE MOOD she is positively endearing.
People ARE drawn to her positive energy then.
She is envigorating and brings people back to life who have been stagnant.
Her postives are as strong as her negatives of course!
We are all so complex.

One of my friends said she has powerful HEALING energy
and said this in great sincereness-
but that she can be relly overwealming.

It was so spot on.

OK ready to call her as she is the person I most want to talk to as feeling heartbroken about our mutual friends's daughter's death.
I mean I think of my friend June and how all she has of family close to is HER DAUGHTER.

I just can't imagine the grief of our friend at the loss of both of her daughters.June is a close friend to her. I imagine she was called but just in case not..
I have to now call her.
FUCK I wish it were GOOD NEWS that made me want to call my friend.

Oh in actual good news. One of mine here did pass the drivers test and finally has a driver liscense! That was a long time in coming. Long story there of the attempts and challenges along the way for another time.

But the better news is in the process of driving around town my kid also realized the BUS line is actually convienietly located and there is a short reasonable walk to some places I think My kid might consider working.

THAT Was the biggest growth moment! That breakthrough of realization the bus MAY Be managable. And there MAY BE work that oculd be realistically done even with the health issues. There seemed a shift in mindset happening to my kid as we spent the day having to fix car issue of breaklights out, then the road test.

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