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2022-09-04 - 12:57 p.m.

I just checked my schedule again as it feels so luxurious to have multiple days off in a row. A whole weekend not at work! Had to check just to be sure not wrong.

I mean that is the thing about always having worked two jobs, it feels odd to have even a couple days without having to go to work. Although now I am working one paid job weekends but still doing work on business development it is still two jobs ( albeit one not paid as of yet..and navigating unemployment feels like work! Ha I got an email "Notice of Appeal " Thu but didn't successfully log in yet. I got in but as was flipping to my email to look up the last week's job search history I accidentally closed the window with vec site then it would not let me log in again just then! As I did not sign out I think when that occurs the system sees me as logged on so I can't do so again! I have to wait some time from tge system to bump me I think from inactivity before I can log in again to get anything done. 😅 Another example of a sound security feature which makes sites virtually inaccessible to those with neurodivergance phone to needing to error correct ( you can't! Get bumped when try) or those not computer literate , older folks etc. Just try calling for customer servive. GOOD LUCK

Sigh. So I will try again tomorrow or rather Tue as I count that as " work " meaning paid work.

These days off I have been getting this house in order. Renting tge basement surely is motivating to look at everything with a different perspective. Knowing when rent you have to offer shared space also shifts both perspective and raises my standards and expectations!

I always expect more for others than myself.

What dies that mean??

Those experts in psychology I am sure would parse it out...
But I am still convinced I am not kor ever been codependent. Moredo I just get energized when doing something for others more than my own " good enough" happy anywhere and under any conditions. I mean I could be happy with a tent and sleeping bag in a forest and not need much other than fire starter ( trust me rubbing stones does not work)and dome grub.

All this to say, I had used the cheaper clear wood sealer on my etched porch full of patterns from my unskilled power washing abd called it done; until now actually renting which includes sharing of back porch and backyard. I tackled the front for curb appeal last week doing weeding and pruning of the lovely rose bush and taming overgrown plants. Now I am finishing up tge painting with traditional reddish brown stain/ porch paint to make tge bsck porch look much nicer. I found two cans of this in my basement bought in past years!

And it just feels luxurious to have worked my butt off in moving stuff to the attic ( getting much out of the living room) abd tackled the chore of dryer vent cleaning yesterday then had opportunity to attend a music festival.

It was like a mini vacation to meet my guy friend abd listen to live music !

I have no cash. He invites me out to hear music or go to a nice dinner. I can offer him a meal here ( and as we delightful discovered cab get the Mets game here too as well as st his place 😉 AND
I am the master of finding cool free things to do. Some of them do involve exchange of volunteers 🙋‍♂️ labor...
So I offered a " date" of him either paying his way going Dutch, or joining in on the volunteer sigh up if interested in either to join me at the music festival.

He did opt to also volunteer for a few hours.
So we each earned the $50 day pass and additional $10 the venue added for parking by picking up what I discovered the BEST shift for summer volunteering- the evening shift. 😀 Reason is , if the day is hot 🔥 it will cool off abd wherever stationed one will not be sitting or standing in the sun.

I did not leave until I tackled the chore list for the day! My date texted running late, sorry he could not be there by 1 as we planned and I was pleased as I was going to just be on time but truth be told happier to have gotten my chores done. I did not sleep well the night before due to the bad choice of an afternoon iced coffee! I also was in constant motion til 11pm!

I was literally exhausted doing tasks Friday at about 8pm. I seriously would have fallen asleep. Maybe it was 830 when I texted my friend and neighbor Dr. Faucci and asked " Are you around 🤔 "
He texted back " Come over! I just finished cooking for the week!"
I said " I just wanted your company as I push through tiredness to get chorse done AZ have to get basement ready to rent and hitting that wall of tired. Company would motivate"

I love this friendship as we do this for each other Whether it is exercise or chores. Fauci so benefitted from me calling him out essentially when I gave him that book The Ethical Slut years ago and said
Live by your values.
Either realign your behavior with the values you purport and stop the bullshit of cheating and lying to yourself, most of all, justifying bullshit inauthentic dishonest selfish behavior which is tearing you up

Or and Reassess and redefine what your values are you choose live by those without hiding who you are...and be honest with those in your life
One way or the other.

In other words he did a true up and chose to live his values at least with more effort. He choose the monogamous relationship with his girlfriend and stopped his lies to himself and owned up to his own issues on insecurity, impilulsiveness, selfishness , feelings of needing constant validation etc...etc... addressed his own anxious ( what's it called? Attachment style) , worked on his relationship with himself first THEN got back with his girlfriend and I swear he is do much lore at peace and content abd he can sctuslly br a good friend.
Not anxiously preoccupied like he used to always be
Not feeling rejected if no sexual gratification ( from his girlfriend... and honestly women only bring seen as sexual or romantic prospects to feed his fragile ego...and his desires).

He is healthier and happier 😊 Just more grounded. He brought the book up and said it was a good read as really called out tgat ge waa an unethical slot and being selfish and self destructive as well as hurt others.

Its a pleasure to have this friendship. No fucking coming on to me. None of the bullshit playing games with himself ( as I saw his behavior most of all hurting him...but also others).

So Fauci came over and as he talked about what's going on in his world I got the grouting done!

It came out good 👍

Then I headed to his place and it was my turn to talk while he first fed me then cleaned up his kitchen. It was such a fun way to each get our shit done! He also was proud to share dome of the delicious chicken he made for all week in a crock pot and sent me home with one of the four loaves of bread he made. He was proud it was his mother's recipie that at age 12 he asked her to teach him.

Before it gets cold I do want to ask of he has time to take the canoe out again. It occurred to me maybe he would be open to inviting his girlfriend and I could bring a date, my guy Seinfeld.

Now to enjoy the final painting of porch!

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