2022-09-06 - 12:54 p.m.

1:00 I did not yet finish item #1 ( or 1.5 HA HA) on my list...
I got distracted.

Text from the young sometimes, very sporadic past lover... who I really don't expect to see again. He said he did not want to come over as texted " Yeah I just really don't want to be near your kids"

Ce la vie.
That was a deal breaker with the last actual boyfriend. This guy really just wants to get laid and I know that about him. I admire his honesty. But I also think no shame in that wanting just that kind of relationship if one is truly honest and both consenting.

HOWEVER not wanting to flaunt it around my kids I get and also respect. It is very much that attitude of the older musician who I dated a bit who did not want to be involved as he said "I don't want to be THAT GUY" I asked what that meant
he said
That guy who comes around and really clearly is only interested in one thing but then MEETS the kids and they see him and they think that is OK as the example of how a man should be treating a lady.

I mean I think it OK when it is MUTUALLY Consentual but AGREE that is an awful MODEL of what an optimal relationship is!

I Am all for the just sexual relationship when don't want more and mutual. I think there is a place for that FOR OLDER PEOPLE

I honestly think it a not healthy thing to do for younger folks looking for a more fulfilling, whole, committed relationship. I think it fucks with one's ability to then actually truly commit to one person. Truly...
it is hard to give up the selfishness of having multiple lovers available. I do see it as absolutely self centered!

YET, I get it for folks who ALREADY have had kids and already had been married, IF they are honest and not hurting anyone. That is NOT lying or cheating!!

But honestly for those who never did that- I mean never carved out a couple of non monogomous consentual casual liasons, I guess I am still old school in that I think optimally EVERYONE should believe themself worthy of the kind of love of a marriage commitment. ( Whether married or not is not the point- but a committment of parntership and yes monogomy!) I think EVERYONE should be open to that
and YES I still believe that kind of love and commitment offers possibility of somethign greater, something more-
when two become one
than just the kind of more casual liasons.

I am not SEEKING that kind of commitment. I feel like I experienced that actual kind of love. I mean with my first husband we had that. It just fell apart due to addiction frankly.

Addiction is the killer.

Of love
of potential
of commitment ( I mean you have to be able to live to grow together and my ex was drowning in his own issues and I felt on the cusp of being pulled into depression which is why I left! I COULD NOT let that happen when I had to keep it all together an be fully present for my two kids!)

For me the family is the # 1 priority.

I know someday I may meet someone who truly loves me enough to accept and be willing to be present with my family AS IT IS.

I know that is out there as I experienced it. Problem was I was not IN LOVE with the man who loved me like that.
BUT it makes me know it is POSSIBLE.
That it is POSSIBLE to have a mutual shared love like that.

I let that man go.. . but until / If anyone comes into my life and loves me the way that man I said NO to loved me, hell I don't mind a bit of a nice shared sexual experience sometimes.

I am not seeking nor looking for commitment. I can offer it if someone loves me enough in a HEALTHY Way and THEY want that ( without being CONTROLLING. ART was not loving ME but the IDEA of owning me for his pleasure. Of containing me in the box of his world- not willing to expand HIS world and really get to know the parts of me that were unfamiliar and new to him, No he wanted to REJECT and try to change and mold those parts of me to what was familiar and comfortable for him).

So this boy toy-- literally just that for me; does not want anything SUBSTANTIAL. I have known this and when not in a deep committed relationship don't mind the ego boost and sex once in a blue moon. But honestly it is nice just once in a while

I get it... the younger guy not intersted in a relationship with ME is not interested in coming over when my kids here BUT That also makes me completely DISINTERESTED in him.
It is the intersting thing of me wanting to have my cake and eat it to. I don't mind casual but the guy best be willing to enter my world for even that.

I mean my kids are now ALL ADULTS.

I totally get polyamory. I mean I get it that one can find more than one person with authentic connection and an actual real relationship with even though it is not the committed life long monogomous partner.

I have ranted about this before... I mean I enjoy the fact my Buffalo guy and I truly DO LOVE each other but choose not to have a commitment of a long term marriage like relationship is not diminished by us each dating others locally where we live.

He still would like me to come visit. I would like to .... but not TOO OFTEN not so much that I get so close and so attached that it PAINS me to not have the possibility of more with him!
That is the key- keep it tempered enough, close enough to maintain our connection but tempered enough to not be dissatisfied with the fact we could never go deeper.

Or rather than I choose to never go deeper due to his alcoholism
and understand he may not have CHOSEN but by virtue of his alcoholism he cannot experience deeper intimacy. ( I mean the physical connection does have to be part of that deeper intimacy. Alcoholics just ARE NOT CAPABLE of that! TRULY They fall asleep... sex with an alchohlic is nearly non existant typically unless they are a touchy feely person... which most are NOT , which is why most drink in the first place I think... I think most are AVOIDANT of physical intimacy so the drink was at first a way to loosen up but has that ironic result of being an absolute block !)

OK all this to say I got distracted by a text from the young past sometimes lover. He had texted me last Monday when I was at a Dr. Appt with my kid and that started communication a bit... so I got back to him this weekend when had time and asked if he might be around to see IN PERSON last night. He was not up for it.

Not wanting to be around my kids. Ce la vie...

that means I have zero expectation that he could be in my life at all it seems. So much for that. I mean I lose interest if a guy will not enter MY world. He has been reaching out to me and I basically respond by saying if interested come over as I want at minimum the REAL interaction. Not into the sexting and indulging him only and unfortunately I think that is all he wants . I think this is definately a geneational thing. Maybe wrong and older folk do that too?? IDK
but I think it funny how the 30 something communicates differently from the older men I have dated. Do think generational differences...
and I freaking Hate cell phones (Still)

When he reached out again I thought I would engage and see if he wanted to show up and be present in PERSON. Why not? ( I mean there is much I like about him when we talk! The last time we connected he called via video and I really enjoy talking with him. He is more than a pretty face/body. He's super smart and that has always been a turn on for me.)

So, while not in any serious commitment I am certainly not opposed to enjoying his company again but for me that has to be in person!

But I think for him it was the FANTASY that was alluring. Once it became REAL there was no longer any excitement for him.

So no expectation there of much communication/connection with the young past lover. It was just a nice ego boost I guess. I thought he was kinda perfect as a rebound while getting over the loss of real love of Art. I mean I truly did love Art so that was real heartbreak for me.

But honestly the dating of the DC guy has been good for me. I am not sure how aligned we are for long term. He is interested in a long term kinda casual realtionship and honestly that seems just perfect for us both for a while. I can see that working for quite a while... I mean years... just like the long term causual NY Buffalo relationship I have. They both can exist co-currently as long as neither minds the other being part of my life. Which to date it seems clear neither really mind ( although I get the sense both I and the Buffalo guy do have enough attachment there is honestly some actual jealous feeling when we date others. I mean I think those are NATURAL feelings.)

I think that happens over time when have certain level of attachment.

I don't think necessarily jealous More like WORRIED for me... like WORRIED that Buffalo guy, who I rejected already in consideration of a long term commitment would find a love that can offer him MORE and I would have to deal with the loss of his deep friendship.
He is the kind of guy who would not maintain the closeness of our friendship if he did choose to commit to someone locally.
I know this about him.
As he was so gracious about Art and told me to let him know if I ever needed to distance from him to not have there be any issue in my relationship with Art.

OK enough rambling and procrastinating as that is what this is.

The other procrastination I did was directly related to the distraction of seeing message from the young past lover-
cause then I saw email messages pop up
AND There were two of two different REALLY GOOD job postings!

I had to just jump on them. As once finish this computer work of budget, excel , and emailing client ...

WELL then I do not intend to even look at my computer or phone all day long as will be moving boxes and things. OH I did pull some crap down from the attic- yes did make SOME progress on the list! Making some room up there!

Really don't need more skates!! IN line hockey skates still were up there!
a canning pot. I bought it at the thrift store and the receipt is still in it!! DANG I used to can every summer but think the summer I bought it was the first I did not have more cucumbers than I knew what to do with. ( No pickles made that summer and I never even used the darn thing!) I just bought it I think as I was pissed the one I had DISAPPEARED one year that I really felt I should have not gotten rid of. ( I don't even recall if I consented or just noticed it missing. I forget)

It is just the silly being attached to things and not letting go based on their utility of the PAST.
But the past is not now and honestly I don't see needing much of this stuff in storage. Makes no sense to hold onto the boogie board for the beach for example when I can't even convince my now grown kids to even a day trip to the beach! I am not going to take that on a plane to travel anywhere. So why have it sitting in my attic? Why have SKIS sitting in my attic that seemed a good idea but have never been used since I acquired them ( no matter how much I LOVE Skiiing! It is not somethign I DO. I just don't have the opportunity so if and when I do I can rent them!)

Silly stuff like that being removed to get rid of.

OK so I got two job applications in. What can I say-
I have to get this done this week as well anyway.

Now back at it as will get the list done so the basement listing can go live!!!

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