Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2022-09-07 - 4:08 p.m.

Negative at home COVID test but still just exhausted.
I feel like this is just the universe helping me be empathatic to my kids.

This must be close to what dysautonomia feels like?

I wonder how much of this extreme exhaustion is the emotional impact of the death of my daughter's friend. I don't think that it is-- but it did hit me a bit hard. That and talking to June who honestly is sounding the worst I have EVER heard her sound.

She is not in a good place. She has not been in months honestly. This is not the place to tell her story but let it be said she is just having a real hard time. She has always been resiliant and found work and managed to land on her feet but that has not been happening for her lately. I mean she is survicing, but the hustle has not become easier but rather harder for her. She moved to be in a warmer climate thinking she would feel better and assuming she could land work and truth be told it has been harder I think for her to do that than it was here in VA.
California does provide better healthcare but that is not enough when housing is insecure and you can't find work.

Her daughter wants to continue her life here and I think it breaks her mother's heart that her daughter wants her independence.
I get it- and I am proud of her daughter working really hard to NOT be co-dependent.
But when the only family her mother has is her daughter; and there has been estrangement from all others in her family that is a hard, lonely place to be in.

I feel sad for her.
I think she feels abandoned. Over and over again. She has been independent by choice. But I think currently that independence is not feeling like any sort of freedom or gift for her but rather lacks stability and security.

I suppose it just makes me sad. She said no to consideration of some options- like working at the retirement community I work at when suggested years ago. They ALWAYS need help in the kitchen. They are almost always hiring a full time server. She did not want to consider a job that would constrain her to any one place indoors 40 hrs a week and I think that is because she thought she was not feeling well enough to navigate that. But the alternative is working at part time jobs and the problem is those are very physical and I think her physcial health is suffereing. That of course impacts ability to work and that then impacts security and of course mental health will suffer.

I just did not have the ability to travel to see her when she asked me. I couldn't even imagine traveling as I need every penny to go to household maintenance here. If I have more energy it will go to work to sustain this home.

So travel was not practical. She seems very lonely. I thought that she would find something there she loved to do -
I figured since she chose to leave here and make it her home there that it was because she was doing better there - which I think WAS true the first year or perhaps even two.
So I see this as a moment. A particular challegne that is hitting hard for her and I just hope she has the support needed to make it through.
I am glad to hear she does have some friends there and a place to work and stay. But her life seems like still living out of her car. Living homeless without a fixed address with the couch surfing as she picks up jobs that offer shelter. She has some friends it seems, some she does work for and has a place to crash on occassion but nothing close to stable.

That is just tragic and it is not clear if this lifestyle was by choice OR if she really had no other choice. The thing is I have not seen her try to land jobs when here in VA that were available in recent years ( before her move) that I think she would have been hired at beacuse she had not had a good experience at the last job she attempted about 5 years ago now. But I think the problem was it required a long commute. She wanted the higher rate of pay so was driving to get it. But I think the commute to a job makes it that much more stressful and harder and personally I wish she had been open to taking alower wage full time role with health insurance here! NOT moving, not trying to find something better. The Grass is Always Greener....
I just think she has many friends here who really do care about her.
Many who really do love her and would help her out.
There is always the server job at the retirement community. I actually think she would do WELL at the server job and it would not be too physically demanding. It doesn't pay great but it would have health insurance and be enough to rent a room.
I mean I know the folks working there live somewhere ( although truth be told one lady working in that kitchen herself was homeless living in a shelter and working there trying to get ahead! It is a low wage job and she was struggling. Most have a spouse or parents the live with and other incomes providing for their household needs. The one alone who worked there could not afford housing it seemed in this county- at least when she first started. I can imagine how hard it would be to have to save up enough to have money for rental applicaiton fees, the first and last month rent all at once for a low wage worker.)

June did try to work tradiitonal jobs in years past but in recent years just felt not up to it. I wonder how she judges my kids for not trying when she herself is kinda in the same cycle of battling chronic depression with ups and downs and herself is not able to try to work a lower wage job. I feel like if she had been willing to just take any work and give it her best shot she might have been better off than continuing to try to work for herself !
(Heck if I don't land clients that will ALSO be true for me!)

I find it can be depressing being idle. I have so much I need to do but finding the energy for it is really hard these past few days.
I feel like if I had the structure to HAVE to go to a job I would have done so and perhaps the motion would have made me get more energy?
IDK but I think rest sometimes is needed but I think TOO MUCH can put the body into a deeper state of exhaustion sometimes.

OK enough of my rest. I was trying to actually sleep but my kid woke me up just as I was finally dozing off. Not sure why but I am having a real hard time getting moving on the physical work of MOVING stuff and cleaning the house that I HAVE to get done.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

Today I will write and practice guitar - 2022-09-13


So Buffalo guy in ER tonight with intense vertigo. Hope gets resolved soon! - 2022-09-12


We all made it through the funeral of the beautiful but troubled daughter of my friend. - 2022-09-12


Finished writing started yesterday when battery died! - 2022-09-12


Pushing myself to get ONE thing done now. Its been a non productive day. - 2022-09-07