2022-09-12 - 6:40 p.m.

My Buffalo guy friend is in the ER with Vertigo. I do get worried when I hear he is not feeling well. He was super sick with that symptom 5 years ago. Happy to hear one of his besties who lives near brought him in and is waiting a bit with him. (Although he said he has to leave soon). Maybe the gal he recently started seeing will be around to give support.

Seriously that is one reason healthier for him to be dating. I swear men are healthier when they have enough friends and lovers in their life to help them out when needed! (Men or women who are not married!)
I mean it does take a village...
Especially for single folks who don't have their own kids as they age.

Reasons polyamory kinda makes sense. The more one has a network of friends and family the healthier they are.

Long distance support is never the same when there is a health crisis and you need some help in a moment!

He sounded sleepy; not like himself when he answered. He said he had to go as they were calling him. I mean also just not up for talking when not well.

The interesting thing to me is the DC guy ALSO has had boughts of the same thing- Vertigo. He too is not sure what has caused it.

My heart skipped a beat when worried about the lover in Buffalo. When the lover in DC says he is not feeling well, or I get a text " Can't talk cause I have a headache" I somehow am not worried. Mainly cause it is more common with him. It doesn't mean his concern is less of a health issue but it is interesting to me that I am less WORRIED when he is not well. I suppose that makes sense as I am more attached to the Buffalo lover.
I mean I have a deeper and more trusting attachment with him as I KNOW he loves me. He is not afraid to articulate it.

Its funny to me but I think my ability to really trust is contingent on knowing the other person actually loves me genuinely. I don't really feel that at this point from the D.C. guy. I still get the vibes that he sees me because he likes so much about me. But I don't get the IN LOVE vibes or messages from him.

Now its not like the Buffalo guy ever was dramatically expressive of his love for me. No, as an alcoholic who avoids discussion of intimacy and actually physically has blocks to regular intimacy ( Even when physically together! That is what happens when you are a drinker- you FALL ASLEEP; sex therefore is not as enriching, is short lived, not as exploratory and one is not as fully present when drunk- and he is a drinker- so it is just such a block to actual intimacy); YET Despite ALL THAT
There is somehow this understood
this KNOWN with certainty that we love each other.
His communication style reminds me of the Marine I used to date years ago. He too was not a man of many words but expressed himself in cards sent. He won't say "I love you " but he will sign the sent cards on every occasion "Love"; and he sends card on time for every occasion. ( The Marine did this too!) That IS Love expressed! It is sweet and Buffalo guy is romantic in sending gifts and being affectionate and in planning time together (or trying to- I put him off the past year);
also understood this knowledge that for me I am not choosing to let that grow further ( for me the being an alcoholic the clear reason!)

I mean it is as clear of the reason for HIM as well I honestly think!

In reading about grief I read about anticipatory grief. One does deal with that when you love an alcoholic and choose not to have the relationship because of it. Some do choose the relationship-
I have not.
So there is an acceptance of the disease, a grieving of the love that won't blossom, and a grieving of knowing the alcoholic just gets worse unless they stop drinking which is not expected or likely.
Two years ago my Buffalo guy was present as his friend was buried from his death due to alcoholism;
and I just went to the funeral of a beautiful young life ended due to alcoholism.
I preferred to grieve the inability for a marriage to an alcoholic and then letting go and moving on- with the distance but still friends.
So I have this long distance, open friendship with the understanding that we will come together in partnership for a short time once in a while to enjoy each other's company and companionship and our friendship-
but not too often to make it too hard... not too often so our hearts just ache at being apart. NO we keep that distance enough and talk just often enough to maintain this as is
but not too much to let it grow into a painful unrequited love;
and not too much to let it grow too big and all-encompassing of our hearts so there is not room for others.

NO
We curate this relationship to allow us each to foster relationships with someone here where we live.
Here for me in VA
and for him in NY for him to have companionship and company of a date.

So despite all this; it is interesting the reaction in my body when I hear he is not feeling well.

The panic and fear.
Honestly- the initial reaction.

It is more intense; more acute for me- the concern and worry I have when he is not feeling well.

But it is interesting to me as the D.C. guy had vertigo as well. I wasn't worried about him. I think perhaps the distance has something to do with that.
BUT is it emotional distance rather than physical?
I mean even though I physically see the DC guy more often; I still feel like he keeps HIMSELF emotionally distanced from me.

He feels very guarded to me. He carves out time to spend with me but it seems so contained. So much a small part of himself. Even when he is open and communicative there is this part of himself that is not open. At least that is what I get...
I sense that.
And I don't fully trust him. I get that same "I broke up with my girlfriend"
or "I am going to break up with her"

and yet don't hear the follow up and I find it weird as we are in an open relationship where he has a gal he has been dating for well over a year and half (maybe two?) and I know of her and he ostensibly has an open relationship with her

YET I wonder if he is not being totally honest
with her and with me.

I just get this feeling maybe that is possible.

I mean he does the crap cheaters tend to do. The posts only of their guy friends and their dogs!
HA Ladies- be forewarned if a guy NEVER shows pictures with a lady friend EVER that is not NORMAL. I mean really-- when you KNOW the person is dating. IF they never show pictures of ANY DATES but only their dog there is a good chance they are a PLAYER.

Now this guy ATTESTS to be a player. So that is not the issue for me. BUT he attests to be HONEST in his relationships with others.
THAT is the issue for me. Cause I still have this feeling he has not been honest with this ONE GAL. This one lady he has been seeing for a couple years. I mean I think he broke up with me to date her and then came back to seeing me but never stopped being involved. MAYBE HE SHOULD NOT stop being involved with her. It need not be an either or (From my perspective) BUT perhaps it is FROM hers ...
and I just am getting the signs she likely has no freaking idea of my existance.

That is a problem FOR Me.
I mean that is an integrity problem if he is lying. If however he is not lying and just withholding information then he best figure out how to handle that. BUT he may be better off letting me go than her if she indeed is in love with him! I don't feel that kind of emotional attachment to him. I never have.

I think he just found himself in a situation, possibly.

Not my issue
But I am just sensing it.
And I really enjoy dating him; albeit not in love!

I don't know If I COULD fall in love with him. Maybe? I don't know. Love is a funny thing.

There are different kinds of love. The Falling in love pheromone, totally inexplicable not thought based kind
and the kind of love that grows over time.
I know the love of my Buffalo guy was not instantaneous!
NO The LUST was ! HA HA We were just HOT for each other. It was not love. WE did not pretend it was when we first got together. It was sheer energy and attraction and FUN and absolute delightful JOY of shared love of music and dancing and friends and WHIMSY.
I don't devalue that. For me it was so healing and such a delight to take that time for joy in my life which is so very serious, so burdened by responsibility.

My Buffalo guy lifted my burdens.
He is steady and consistent and solidly loyal. He is not fickle and does not have insecurities in who he is. He is so solid as a person and as a friend to many. He is a solid lover who is consistent loyal and true. I felt almost too true-

I mean it started to make ME nervous in my fear of commitment! HA

He is also a happy bachelor. Not ever married and I can't say I ever see him wanting that. If he loved some woman who did ask him to aspire to that , I do think he would do so!
But he is not looking for it and carves out a life focused on his needs and avoidant of that kind of expectation! THUS attraction to a long distance and casual relationship!

OK enough rambling. I write of this all too often. It just SURPRISED me how my body REACTED in worry for him when he was not feeling well.
That's all!
and once again how it was his card for my birthday , and his call I was looking for.

I knew the DC guy minimizes gifts; minimizes holidays; doesn't honor them in the way the Buffalo guy does by writing thoughtful and personal cards. I am not sure if this is because that is the way he is or if it means anything- as if he is not really that into me. He does honor me by taking me out for a nice dinner. He did invite me to go out to celebrate my birthday Sat or Sunday but I had no free time ( work and the funeral) so he then invited me to accompany him to see an ballgame Friday nights he already had tickets for that he was going to.
I think he planned on having a date with me on Sat or Sunday and then would have invited the other date for Friday night- make no mistake I am positive when he was not available on Sunday he was on a date!
I mean thus why I don't get worried when he says "I have a headache" as he is not totally transparent initially- but LATER tells me of his dates ( which I appreciate) I think I don't worry when he is not feeling well. And he is not feeling well OFTEN it seems! I mean he does have some health issues and they are regular if not severe; so I don't worry about him.

I used to read his lack of writing a card or getting a THOUGHFUFL gift as indicative of him not being that into me. May be accurate. But he also may be just simply like that ALL THE TIME- a bit more self absorbed. Interested in others only so far as they are meeting his needs.
I am getting those vibes.

I guess that was my thought as he was mansplaining the baseball game he brought me to.
I mean it was clear he didn't catch the part that my kids played baseball for ten years. I mean ten years of going to games it should be rather obvious I know what is going on.

At one point I commented "Steal the base!"
I really wanted the third baseman to steal home... thought it would have been a great move.

HE said "Can't do that now; the bases are loaded."

I said " Sure they can- -steal home"

So here for your baseball trivia pleasure are the top 10 historic stealing of home base:

https://www.si.com/mlb/2009/06/29/stealing-home-0

I should not be nit picking. I had a wonderful time going to a game with him Friday night! I have been wanting to go to a baseball game ALL SUMMER LONG HELL For the past few years I have been wanting to go!!
I was so annoyed when four years ago the guy I was starting to see ghosted me the week he was supposed to get tickets to the Nationals game and I was going to meet him there!
GAME OVER for me

He called eventually but I did not pick up. ( This was long ago.. guy dated for just a couple dates who then did come to NY with me and two other friends as we traveled to see my son in a show. My friends hit it off with him. One is the lady I walked with all through COVID, another one of my hiking friends, the nicest guy I honestly only see once every few years when someone plans a trip!)

I am fine with not hearing from a guy I am dating for days or even weeks on end BUT NOT when we actually have plans and I get blown off! Hell then the guy really is not that into me and I just move on-
Catch and release EARLY is a good motto.

The problem I have with DC guy is I think he hangs on too long. He should release earlier.
In his dating he seems to hang on when he is not really into the person.
That to me is an insecurity of not wanting to be alone.
So for me that pattern in his past dating behavior is a big red flag. It makes it much harder for ME to trust HIM. It makes it much harder for ME to be emotionally invested as I presume he is one of those serial daters-
I give this a shelf life of 18 months from the reset/start again button before he is bored and looking for someone new.

That is the pattern I recognize.
I feel like it is the long drawn out catch and release....

I am OK with CHOOSING to enjoy those 18 mos.

BUT the thing is I will protect my heart during that time.
CE la vie...
all this to say I noticed the distinct different response in my BODY to the Vertigo of Buffalo guy; and the Vertigo in the D.C. guy that he said he was challenged by some weeks back.

My distancing myself from the Buffalo guy is to protect us BOTH from heartbreak. My distancing from the D.C. Guy emotionally is to protect myself and because he seems distant.

So I have two men in my life but neither are the commitment types. Neither want that. Both are about fun and whimsy and do offer me healthy companionship once in a while!
But neither are the kind of relationship that I think I know I am worthy of and COULD find one day. ONE DAY I will meet a guy who is both physically present and can emotionally connect and also not afraid to articulate his feelings and who will honor me with the thoughtfulness of cards and thinking of me in the particular for me- not just because I am giving him something he enjoys!
I have to leave room for that to be able to come into my life! So this is the thing; it is nice to have companionship and the dates and company of either of these men once in a while. It's clear they both give me different things. One has presence and physical connection when I am with him sharing experiences we both genuinely enjoy; and the other really connects by honest and transparent communication with depth. We have terrific hours long conversations.

I want to travel to Buffalo but next time I want to stay with my girlfriends and have more time to connect WITH THEM.

Its funny I also would love to show the DC Guy my Buffalo world as he does love to travel and I know he would be wonderful to travel with and YES I would love to show him my world. I loved having him come here where I live and was happy he was comfortable here ( or seemed it.) I really relax and decompress and feel so rested and refreshed after I spend time in DC with him in his world. YET at the same time I would like to visit my Buffalo guy (now that time has passed and I know I don't want a realtionship but the friendship). Just not spend all the time with him.

Buffalo guy is clear he will fly me to spend time with him when I am able to get away.

I would love that. I just needed some time to not do so regularly! I can't be so vested!!! I can't WANT what he cannot offer!!!

OK So thats all for now on this.

I may have complicated things a bit as I do have a really good time with the DC guy and he LOVES to travel. In talking with him while at the game I was talking about The Bills; I mean they are a hot topic now!
He knows I am FB friends with a former Buffalo Jill who is also a model for an entertainment company. She is one of those beautiful people that gets hired to be seen with famous people when they come into town. Seriously this is done! Models and actors hired to just fill the room or the seats in a venue; to meet and greet and entertain at times! Its like the pretty person welcome committee who will look good for the cameras and make the red carpet PR events full and fabulous looking.
My college acquaintance has been modeling for years and doing this kind of work. She has pictures with all sorts of stars. It is funny to me of all my friends that she caught DC guy's eye and he asked about her (another red flag.. ha ha Narcissists are fascinated with famous people and impressed by those who met them.) To me she is not a close friend and I care little about her but think she has hands down the MOST FUN facebook page and the BEST content. She is also a huge Buffalo Bills fan as she was a Buffalo Jill. ( Three of my college acquaintances were; one I did call actual close friend for a time during college til she got super busy with cheerleading actually).

So he asked "Any way you can get tickets? Does she have an in?" I said "Hell no- She has season tix and I am not close to her; just an acquaintance."
But this guy, a bachelor with a good job and money who loves to travel and who is a sports fan- would love to take a road trip to Buffalo.

Sounds great to me! (AH in theory!)
That could be complicated if I went to visit my beloved city with him. I did say as much.

Its one of those thing I would have to think about as on one hand I would LOVE to show him my beloved city of Buffalo. On the other hand it might be hurtful to my Buffalo guy.

I also would enjoy seeing my Buffalo guy- but just not for the WHOLE time of a visit.
The next visit I want to be just solo, me going to stay and visit and really have substantial time with my bestie girlfriends there. My friend I worked with for 10 years who lost her husband last year; my best girlfriend from college and her daughter; and my college roommate I would love to connect with. I saw her last at our cross country team reunion but in past visited her home and met her out and the last time I intended to do so was the weekend I was a crappy friend and honestly ran late and then she cancelled. FAIR enough... I literally had just hooked up with the Buffalo guy and honestly that morning after choosing to go back to his house with him I lost track of time and realized "CRAP I am supposed to meet her!" And was running late. I was being a shitty friend to her as was not mindful of time as was so caught up in the newness of getting to know him. ( I mean in a way I never had envisioned! That first mystery when you first really do fall for someone!)
so its been six years since I spent substantial time with her. We connected at the cross-country reunion event but it was noisy and we did not get to talk like we both wanted. She told me she missed me and I her and she has hearing loss so talking on the phone sucks. I just need to go stay with her and really catch up! I have always been welcome as a guest at her home and think that would be the BEST thing to do.

In fact it was that spending all my time in Buffalo at my guys and carving out just the lunchtime visit, or the meet over coffee for an hour with my girlfriends which was the pattern of recent years I WANTED to shift. HE is so marvelous about supporting anything I want to do- but the thing is I still was finding my time focused on him and less on my girlfriends and I want to maintain those relationships as strongly!

So I had decided to pull back and then the next time come to town for a LONGER period of time- and not on his dime when he flys me. That was the thing. I need to wait til I CAN AFFORD my OWN travel and then plan days with the gals and THEN go see my guy.

I suppose I was feeling that the time I have was limited there and of course I wanted to connect with him.

So honestly that is really my plan still. Time with my girlfriends next- to support the one who is grieving; or who may not have even allowed herself to do so as she is mom of two boys who are autistic and had to keep the routine and structure and keep meeting their needs. I don't think my friend herself has had a vacation.
I wish I had the money to find respite care for her and to take HER on a vacation!!
Sigh... The other travel I really wanted to do is with a girlfriend from here who is deeply spiritual and had interest in learning about those with deep devotion to Mary. She grew up Catholic (although now member of another church like me). There are some spots where some claim to have visions and she and I would love to take a road trip to see them as well as visit Lilydale Spiritualist community someday. That is on my bucket list! There is also this massive rosary made of garden/shrubs/trees and flowers and lit up which my Buffalo guy visited with a lady friend of his once which honestly, I think my friend here who is into the Mary studies would enjoy. SO the Spiritualist tour of NY is on our bucket list! SOMEDAY I Will have money and be able to travel again on my terms. Heck until then; nothing wrong with saying "YES" to invites if someone does value my company and wants to bring me along. I just think it might not have been the best idea to suggest going to Buffalo with DC Guy. When he mentioned the Bills game I had said it would be fun to bring him to my fav city! I get excited and am one of those Buffalo ambassadors! That might be complicated...or get things complicated.

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