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2022-09-12 - 2:04 a.m.

Not a therapist
Therefore doesn't seem to really be my place to tell someone I think their emptional reaction in a moment is projection onto their partner-

But in thinking about it, a friend was complaining about how he thinks he can't respect the values of his girlfriend and may dump her as he thinks she is emotionally unavailable

and the thing is
I think he is the emotionally unavailable one- and that what is happening is that as she is getting closer and wants to go deeper he then is repeating a pattern ( that I notice in his past) of not just pulling back when his partner wants to get more serious- but of dumping the person when there is emotional intensity.
I have observed him ghost a friend cause he said he was "triggered" by her too much (I take that to mean he was feeling emotions that were uncomfortable and preferred to cut her out of his life than have that happen again!). Sometimes it makes sense if there is toxicity or eneshment and an unhealthy codependency one is trying to prevent and not get caught up in. However the way to do that I would think is with a bit more compassion and less self centered than the way I observed this friend do that. To literally ghost a friend you actuallly had shared intimately with- I mean really attached to a deep level is so self centered and to me a warning flag of actual narcissism.

I watched my Ex (2nd) do that when his friend at work struggled with depression. I found it so self centered and really disappointing.

In dating relationships this is
Not an uncommon dynamic
The serial monogomist is notorious for this
once the early stage of initial attraction and good sex fades they dump the person and move onto find another partner-
becuase they are really emotionally unavailable to go deep in connection/attachment. I saw that in the Ex boyfriend I had ( the air traffic controller) who was my first boyfriend, serious relationship after that divorce of my 2nd husband. OF course can't know someone's past- so I did not have a clue this was a pattern in his life. Figured it out later.

It feels like the "emotional slut" behavior as coined by some writer where one acts like there is confidence and actual real deep friendship with trust so they will share something one typically doesn't share with just anyone which makes the other person feel really special; and then does foster some attachment.

OR what is considered physically slutty by some ( I hate the term slut as it is so non sex positive- and sometimes casual sex IS a mutually shared adult ok choice!) BUT where the term is appropriate is when one is the actual non ethical non monogomous- that is the actual slut
and I think it may have in this day and age of consentual sex among adults being really easy to come by HONESLTY HAVE more to do with if there is a DISINGENUOUS pretending to be emotionally attached in order to have good sex! THAT Is what I think of as the modern SLUT

Whether the empotional slut only
or the physicality of sharing body without actual emotional attachment

Its the SELF SERVING going through behaviors and communication patterns learned

REALLY To just be self serving and hedonistic.

I think this person doesn't really attach emotionally prior to developement of a sexual relationship ( which is problematic as it encourages a kind of schism of separation of physial attachment being aligned with emotional attachment.)

SO I found it fascinating that my friend was discussing their relationship with their girlfriend and thinking that because she did not show grief and was willing to very quickly pivot to trying to carve out time of joy and shared intimacy with my friend by planning a romantic vaction that made him want to pull AWAY From her.

Seems clear projection on his part.

It also feels very self centered and narcissistic to me

But I am trying not to project....

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