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2022-09-19 - 7:35 a.m.

The VEC made me frustrated this AM again. First it said "user does not exist"

That is wrong!
My user ID was created so does exist ( somewhere).

Tried again with social security to find my user and got further- it confirmed the user id I have not only exists but yes I had it correct.
That message therefore is concerning!

Then trying to reset password I get the message
"Could not authenicate your device..."
call the 1800 customer service number.

I tend to wait and try again before callin
This is very disappointing. Expecially as they attest that they will pay out benefits in 31 days of filing.

So far VEC is proved not reliable to hold to that.

I find it annoying as they should have deposited funds to my account and had they DONE SO I would not have this week had to pull from my 401K when the market is down.

Just annoying and disappointing.
Will call later.
Time to get up; find a toothbrush ( hope one here somewhere! I left mine at my gentleman friend's place in DC! UGH!!!)
I had a lovely time with him again.
I wanted to head back for church in the AM- just cause really needed that service. It was spot on. We had been practicing songs that really reasonated with me and I was worried that there might be only one other saprano there so did not want to leave her hanging.It just also really was where I needed to be.
I need to carve out that time for my own healing and noticing and addressing my own triggers which do happen.
I know that if I address them then I can move beyond them. That they won't be blocks for me- so I need to let that happen with some intention and consiousness I think.

Even little things. I am trying to be really mindful of what makes my body just react in tightening up and getting fearful or mistrustful; what creates a block to connection.

This is weirdly a process I think best done alone. I mean to dump it onto another is too much.

I sometimes talk about it in the moment. My DC guy is a really good listener in that he takes it in and doesn't comment , just listens.
I find that helpful to an extent. At another level sometimes he doesn't get it but that is just fine as well as it is not his experience to get and I am a firm beliver one's partner is not and should not be one's therapist and one has to do their emotional work THEMSELF first before they can then connect with another.

When there were small moments where I was upset by something my DC lover did I spoke directly to him and he was responsive, listened and was very authentic in CARING. He deeply cares about other people I believe. I don't think he wants to cause other hurt or pain. I think sometimes he hangs on too long with people who are not good for him
and I was initially judging that as a bit narcissistic as he was using people and out of fear of being alone stringing them along
but it may not be self centered
it may be that he has respect and has trouble letting go out of not a detatched fear of intimacy but
making some level of commitment and emotional intimate connection TOO SOON and then he may have trouble breaking it.

I am seeing this in some of his life choices.
I mean he was married for many years
so that is not a fear of commitment personality
He bought a car and reminds me of my fav doc who retired who drove the same car for nearly 20 years. Just took care of it and it was good enough, doing the job and he was not interested in being flashy or looking for status. I loved that the doc drove and old buick ( Maybe for 30 years HA HA).
So I am observing that practical choice to care for his things and let go of that which does not serve him.
I think he is figuring out how to value HIMSELF and actually do what is healthy and good for him
and in that learning how to do that after years of remaining committed and loyal when it was NOT good for him there is this growth period. And that growth of course will have some growing pains.
Some moments of not being graceful. Some moments of hurting another.

I mean I have done that too.
But it is part of loving

I think the thing I find perplexing is he does not articulate clearly how he FEELS about me.
And he keeps me in the friend zone it FEELS like with the frequency of communication and yet there is this grey area of him having been romantic- but felt curate as he wants a sexual partner
so we ARE good partners
but I am still not clear on what his intention with ME is long term. So that is on ME to have conversations with him.
And I am not quite ready to do will happen when the time is right. As truth be told I was happy to see him again but I was not that into HIM the first time around. I mean he was freaking in love with June.
I have a hard time with that. Maybe that is just ego based?
I never have overt jealous feelings. Those are not there.I am always very matter of fact and accepting and no actual FEELINGS arise..
but it is the weirdness of the dynamic I think that I have trouble falling in love with a man who I know was in love with her.

I mean I feel like I was just the consolation
The get over it rebound.

What the hell I just realized even Art- yes Art had met Jane before me and was spending time with her! HA HA So funny to recall that. She had Zero interest in him ( met him somewhere in town) She never called after he gave his # to her and asked her to. She blew him off. Then I met him and we started talking and spending time together and mentioned my friend and he knew her from when he met her. Then she asked me for his number to connect and then she invited him over and they were hanging out too.

I forgot about that.
I was married still and newly separated and traumatized and the last thing I was looking for was reationship to be honest... I did want to get out and about and made friends!
So that was great that they both then became friends.

We had a really nice time when she was in town first during this past year and we all went to breakfast.
When he was back in my life. They both ran into each other at the local car place.

I forgot about that.

I just don't know when for me there is some block
that if I meet a guy THROUGH her I feel like there is some block for me.

It might be silly.
It might not matter at all.

But it always feels somehwhat orchestrated-
I mean well, it is as she loves to play matchmaker and introduce people

But for some reason there may be some emotional block for me then when the guy at one point had fallen for her.

A sisters like thing? That competition or NOT wanting that competition

Combination of both. She does feel like a soul sister after all.

I have to keep my phone line free for a recruiter who is expected to call so can't call her now but am trying to be more mindful of being a better friend (to not only her but my other friends as well) and trying to reach out more.

I mean I am content if I talk to friends once every few months ( or less HA HA)

Know that doesn't work to maintain relationships for most.

so trying to put in effort.

OK Time to walk the dog.
The recruiter better not call the moment we leave!!

I should have done this before 8am. I tried to get that VEC stuff done between 7 and 8 and planned on getting the dog walk in before 8 and breakfast. I started writing and then took break as ate.
Then came back to finish and it is later than planned.

AT least today I FEEL like cleaning my bedroom this AM while wait for a call ( that I told the lady between 8 and 11 am would be good) She did not come back with a set time. OK with that as I am here.

Hey my horoscope was promising today. Said think bigger in terms of money! Not in dollars but open to possibility of opportunities from afar.
This recruiter was calling regarding role at an international company. She is in Europe this week but the call came from 808 area code- Hawaii. I looked her up and she has a degree from Dartmouth and lives between Massachusetts, California and Maui! I take that as a positive! A recruiter who carved out the life she wants!

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