2022-09-27 - 12:01 p.m.

My oldest said that she felt she literally manifested her job.

No lie she put out there into the universe her wish for a copywriter job that would pay her bills comfortably and allow her time and energy to CREATE both her written works (she has a novel well in progress from her MFA program and creates music.)

She found exactly what she envisioned.

I have this clear vison of similar work in the sense that I am going to be paid well for my legal knowledge and expertise in some well paid job with time to devote to nurturing my other dormant or nascent talents- of both writing and music.
If only for my own pleasure; but if possible to share with others. Heck Diaryland is not to be ignored as we who write here do share with others and one never knows when their small contribution to the world - even here- makes a difference in someone else's life in addition to helping oneself.

Those small moments matter.
They are valuable.

But I do like to think big. I do like to look at the big picture. I get excited when I know there is an impact.
I don't even have any great NEED to know the final outcome but just knowing that there is some change that is positive , some action I took that will help another is often enough. If I don't have energy to invest there are others who do at times. It takes a village.

I might not see or know all the background behind the scenes work of the Office of Civil Rights cases that I and my kid filed (we have two) for example; and I might not have been privy to how the lawsuit I filed against Fannie Mae for unlawful hiring. Heck at this point I may as well share the fact of the employer. I have no NDA regarding that as I never signed any settlement. The case was just PULLED by my own attorney. I may never understand how he did that in good concience unless it was an honest mistake... but I don't really CARE or NEED TO KNOW. I just know I did MY PART to put some pressure on to make a change.
I did my part in not accepting something I felt was wrong and should not be unchallenged.

I took notice of the actual civil rights roll backs that were happening and when I saw the language changing in the space I worked in I acted.

I acted not worrying how it would affect me in the short term knowing maybe in the long term it would affect many others. EVEN if I don't see that.

And here is the kicker... EVEN If it DID NOT have impact. I at least tried as far as my energy and resources allowed me to.

Sometimes our efforts do not make much impact. Sometimes they do. Sometimes we never even know the outcomes.
I feel like we have to try anyway.

So this being said what I get REALLY Excited about is when I come across POSSIBILITIES of supporting a person or an org that truly IS making an impact.

I also think I have enough wisdom to know even if I don't agree with EVERY thing, EVERY Decison or EVERY perspective of the group or org- if they do MORE GOOD than HARM in this world they are worthy of support and my opinions where I disagree are not that important.

So I can be honest and cast my dissenting vote but accept the marjority view when it has no harm and move on.

ANd STILL supprt the org/ the space. It is only when there is harm that it is worth making an issue priority.

I speak in generalities here. But in the particular I think the example of voting at a board meeting based on my thoughts is important but then supporting the final decision is important UNLESS I find it unethical to do so. In other words check your fucking ego and listen to others and hear and undertand their perspective.

* One tiny example. I voted against advertising with paid ad for a upcoming event for the arts org. Simply as I think thousands of folks are already going to show up and our event will be an astounding success such that I think the ad will have little added value. This is something we are doing for the first time. A space we have not been in before. So it seems to be an unknown. BUT I have attended this particular event where we are going to show up and I KNOW from my experience we will have MUCH Foot traffic and I am CONFIDENT what we are offering is such a great value in the market and unique and wonderful it will frankly sell itself when folks come across us. I know we have a TERRIFFIC SPOT with high visibilty. The folks on the board who thought of the venue were fucking brilliant.

I was a sole dissenting votor over taking out a ad for this-a paid ad. I am usually ALL FOR PAID ads. But this is a newspaper ad and I think our social media is more effective and enough for this particular thing.

BUT it is such a little thing.

NOW I can't worry about how others lose trust when I am not a YES person all the time.

Sometimes that happens. So be it... trudge on and contribute anyway. My contribution is for some good.

BUT at the same time I have learned to VALUE MYSELF so if in this space others don't want me in
stand down.

So I am dabbling still with the arts org.

But I swear I used a Sign up Genius and I got a confirmation THANK YOU FOR SIGNING UP to do a volunteer thing TODAY

Then at the board meeting my name was not on the list of vounteers.

Maybe user error on my part? ( But I swear I saw a screen that confirmed by sumbitted sign up?)

BUT then at the meeting there was conversations of someone wanting to be involved the board did not want involved. The person did express interest AFTER all the slots for that thing were filled. They are not needed.

Now that could have been NOT personal but in this case it was ALSO made clear it WAS PERSONAL as the person was difficult. Was not able to subordinate their opinion and support the final decided on one. Was not able to respect role and actual authority of someone HIRED to do one thing. And was not able to ever follow a plan, instruction, guide set up by the hired actual leader who had the designated JOB And ROLE Of leading. It was an ego driven battle of wills. And this person was a PIA (As described by some).

so I GET IT when there was lack of enthusiasm on this person being part of the team. BUT at the same time teams should not kick out the challenge of the person that is at times difficult if they are doing more good than harm. So it made me sad the folks involved had not been able to work it out other than not involving the person. It seemed very CURATED that there was not acceptance of this person's desire to be involved.

That made me wonder ( as I heard this board do this in the past) if I AM ALSO not welcomed by them for some reason. I felt that in the past. I figured were were long past that. But the small moment of my siging up via sign up genius then seeing a screen that seemed it worked and then the program manager not seeing my scene.

I mean when people want to be involved FOR THEIR OWN JOY as they are happy when doing this particular volunteer work, mostly with kids

Why would anyone gatekeep when the person just gave their opinion contrary to leadership? I GET It if the person was truly disruptive and undermined the collaboration

SO I think that DID Happen so I GET it...
but again it is based on heresay. I did not see this other person be a negative disruptor.

SO that being the case EVEN IF THEY WERE ONCE I think if they were talked to give them a chance to still be involved. Don't assume they are not worth accepting the volunteer efforts of.

I just don't like seeing orgs exclude volunteers.

But maybe it is best.. I don't want to judge.

But it didn't feel right to me. I felt badly for the person excluded. I don't think it kind.

I just feel like perhaps I am more sensitive as I have ALSO felt at times excluded form orgs where I wanted to participate and thought there was nothing I was doing that was really unusual or should not be supported.

I think of how Turn Off TV week at one local school was thrwarted- actively thwarted after I actually had all these EXTENAL Orgs set up on point to show up and support.

I mean I had the umpire from Fredrick Keys with tickets to give out to kids; I had a whole team of teachers ready to play a baseball game against students. I freking procured a LISCENSE to use the MUSIC of a Paul SIMon song and a teacher ready to sing a rewrite with lyrics written to support getting of screens and reading and getting out of house active

IRONIC considering now my young adult kids with POTS have challenges which I think are process addiction
and manifest by comfort zone of spening soothing time with the familiar and comforting dopamine hit of gaming
and avoidance of challenges.

Its not TV but GAMING and YOU TUBE and DISCORD server groups and other on line forums and phones constantly connected which contribute to avoidance of getting off butt to ACTIVELy engage in the world in boldily person with movement of body rather than only engaging with activity of mind.

I don't devalue social communities. I think they are wonderful but think they should be IN tandem with being physcially present in YOUR own world you PHYSICALY LIVE IN, with engaging in your OWN FAMILY Community.

My kids act like "just because you are family doesnt mean my business is your business."

BULLSHIT when you and I live in the the house I pay for to support us all.

One may not CHOOSE their birth family but nonetheless it is still the community and yes the family they are in. UNLESS And UNTIL THEY LEAVE it because it is toxic.

The truth is my older two refuse to come here as they refuse to be present in a toxic environment.

IRONIC as the ones who are toxic ARE MY CHILDREN.

I choose to continue to support ALL my children and believe I HAVE Set healthy boundaries so they are NOT TOXIC.

I do not believe I am an enabler. I believe they are healing

BUT if they DO NOT get jobs and start being independet after a REASONABLE Time then I WILL BE A BONA FIDE ENabler of their AVOIDANCE of responsibility, of their avoidance of growing up.

So I have a new tenant. That is great as it will both enable me to pay the bills. But it also makes it clear my basement is not available to be the back up crash pad with comfort for those who are avoiding growing up.

Sorry my kids can feel anger at that. BUT NO just NO

I HAVE To rent it now to help pay the mortgage until I land clients.

BUT truth be told I also WANT To rent it as I will support any of my kids if they really need it. MY ADULT KIDS-

but I would rather support SHORT TERM as they do what they can to make their way it the world. NOT set up a permanant easy space that is available for absolute avoidance of independence. Hell no

I do not want to be an enabler.

I am excited the new tenant DOES want the large double mattress my son left here. It's super nice. I might swap it out with the one on my bed frankly. If it is the same size-
it may be the nicer of the two. I just thought of that. The one left here in past is now on my bed as i tossed the older one I had and kept it. I need to sleep on both the next couple nights and see which is actually more comfortable and keep the more comfortable one FOR ME.

So glad the larger one is to be used- whether it is the one currently on my bed or the one in the basement.

All the rest of the stuff in the basement needs to be moved out and upstairs. Will rotate out things and make room for it. That means the older couch ( 2nd one I didn't yet get rid of) will go to the curb and the newer piece (* new to me but used! which is the one I bought as a set to replace the TWO older couches) DOES get moved to the living room. My living room will now have the TWO matching couches and the mismatch tossed. It has a tear and it will be good to get rid of it!)

My old crappy worn out coffee table will be tossed. The nice one from my son which came from the NY Agents office is going in the living room. My one kid hates having a table cloth on the coffee table where there is the playstation etc. She commented "It is not good to have fabric as the playstation gets hot "
My response was... "Well summer is over and that was temporary that the thing was used like 8 hrs a day. You both are going to be moving on in life, school or a job soon so it will not be used more than an hr or two a day tops. That won't be happening."

Honestly if the thing is overheating sign you are on too damn long. Shut it off to cool down.

My kid commented "Then have to get rid of the crap under the table"

The current coffee table has a bottom shelf.

GOOD RIDDANCE to get rid of crap no one has used or missed for a long time! GAMES... CDs DVDs. Happy to get rid of that stuff!!

I am so pleased to move more clutter our of my home.

Honestly the act of renting my basement is the BEST thing to motivate declutturing AND encouraging growth in US ALL.

Seriously, if anyone need some motivation to make a change in life- Do you have any space can rent and share with others?

I think it super healthy to do so. It forces one to think outside of self.

Being part of a community helps much but if not real active then bringing someone else INTO your space alone can make a difference.

I just think we all do better when NOT Completely self absorbed! Many ways to make decisions in life to not be self absorbed. The most common perhaps is to enter a relationship with another romantically and think of partnership and sharing your life. For some of us that is not desired or not in the cards for various reasons and then there are these other ways to be sure not self absorbed.

Community Service
Volunteering
Being available for family ( but setting healthy boundaries- whatever that looks like!)

I do find it a challenge however on the last point as all I read about good parenting and settting boundaries with adult children has that caveat
" They are not ill; they are not disabled"
Because when have adult children with CHRONIC illness there is that one difference.

BUT HONESTLY I think EVEN IF adult children have disability one has to not UNDERESTIMATE their ability. This can be super challengng if the kids themselvesl the adults themelsve with some challenges are in fact underestimating thir own ability.

Disabiliteis nee to be resepected and acknioelwedg and accounted for, but not used as an excuts for no effort.

So I am writing with prayer for me to do what is the BEST thing for my kids.

IT feels like pushing a bit in their cases is the best thing but not too much to discourage or somehow compel what I can't see as anything other than immature oppositional definacnce in this very young adolescent stance of wanting to be self determined. So self determined is expressed as not acting rather than making a plan and taking steps toward a goal. Just seems really immature to me but so be it I think developmentally my kids at a littel regressive at times.

They each will figure out their next steps in time so trying to both let that happen but not be an enabler by accepting atrophy and apathy and inaction for too long.

So one got a computer for Dad. I expect the job application to be filled out on line and for her to start working soon. If that doesn't happen without further encouragement I will offer my help again. I have to ignore the protest of my so called NAGGING as I ask every so often if the kid needs help.

Think this kid DOES need help! OR it would be done by now! Plain and simple. When someone says they want to do somehtin gbut are stuck ... well then they need a bit of help. This kid somehow NEVER asks for help when needed.
So my offering seems the thing to do recognizing that pattern of refusal to seek support.

But that is not what I came her THINKING I would write about. IS however the most important thing - that my kids are healthy and whole and functioning.

So not surprised it bubbled up.

What I intended to write about is that it FEELS POSSIBLE to ALSO CURATE and MANIFEST the work I envision. Valuable work toward a valuable mission/ vision where my labor is compnesated failrly and my contributions not only understood but welcomed and accepted.

I am truly excited about a panel interview with a few of the execs who are absolutely brilliant and innovative. I am excited it is in a space I have not yet worked in which honeslty is doing good in the world.

Won't discuss it yet but it is somehting I would be absolutely THRILLED to support.

The headhunter also works with other companies and let me know she will keep me in mind if other companies need my support. She is a great connection to have. SHe started her own business years ago and has carved out a great life consulting and supporting others while having time for other things. ( Like spening time becoming a captain on a boat in Hawaii for example! She was a competetive college athlete at one point with impressive experiences.) The company seems like just brilliant bright lights that do good in this world in a very tangible innovative way.

So I am really excited.
Its literally the first interview I am not indifferent about but am excited about.

Their CEO found my resume and actully recognizes my techinical and legal experience/understanding and knows the value. This company understands legal issues well. They just need to free up time by outsourcing some of the negotiations they have been handling. That encourages me so much as I feel like in the past I supported some who had so little knowlege it was hard for them to even undestand the value in some of what I was doing. I don't like wasting time on things that in the end are low risk and not worth investing in. I hate busy work. I think this team gets that. I see them streamlining some things others spend much time on that don't gave a great ROI and others tend to ingore some places I think they SHOULD invest energy time and money. The fact this company would hire me as a consultant (or even consider doing so) tells me THE GET IT. They undersatnd the value I bring as they are interviewing based on the rate I want and am worth in the market.

One thing I will not do is make myself small in this space. If I land there I will not hold back my opinion or defer and ask what others think.
I will not second guess myself when asked.
BUT I will first LISTEN.

It would be marvelous if this is an opportunity to contribute and be valued but also to listen and learn much new.

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