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2022-09-29 - 8:25 p.m.

I hope I just nailed an interview and will be getting a contract to consult with a freaking cool company doing very cool things in the world.

I feel great about the panel interview I just had. They asked me to send references. They said they will be checking references then sending over their contract.

The owner was funny; he joked

"Our paper. We can send a joke contract and if you don't get it ; your fired immediately."

It was kinda funny.
I mean if they sent a crappy contract that should be redlined and I don't push back they might think less of me.
I liked his sense of humor.

The whole team seems like will be easy to work with.

Other notable quotes were the VP who said "My preference is to just throw it over the fence"

meaning he wants them to hire someone who knows what the hell they are doing so when work is flipped does not need to be hand held.

I am your girl for that VP.

I only allow myself to be hand held, not cause I need it, but cause I read the room and there is some Ego that feels the need to be needed or be the expert.

But of course sometimes I NEED collarboration as of course there are some things I have not done umpteemth times and might need input or perspective or understanding of someone's level of risk etc.

But at this point I have been doing my work for years and am worthy of the expert title when it comes to negotiation and contract drafting.

AND likewise worthy of the pay as well.

So I am excited if they bring me on as a consultant.

Hope this one works out!

It also compelled me to make a couple calls to former co workers of my last job to ask if they would provide references.

I was happy to speak to the President and COO of the company who I worked really closely with. He confirmed my being fired was really just an impuslive decision of the CEO who is really tight with the CFO I direct reported to. She just goes with his decisions. There was no discussion with the whole leadership team. They were not consulted. The President I worked most closely with in the company was not consulted so my being fired had ZERO to do with my performance;and everything to do with the fact that the CEO likes those who agree with him and he doesn't really do well with those giving advise and strongly advocating any direction/opinion contrary to his. He doesn't want input and collaboration. At times when there were things important enough I pushed on issues with the CEO and CFO and you know it is not a huge deal when someone doesn't follow my view but I will always give my best professional opinion of what I think is in a company's interest.

I am not uncomfortable with differences of opinion. I am not uncomfortable compromising.
BUT I think I made them uncomfortable in some respects with some of the things I pushed on to improve .BUT I also made some improvements that will serve them well so I feel really good knowing it was a termination as employee based on what the leadership of CEO and CFO wanted and their comfort zone and not based on my work , ability or that they did not have confidence in me. THEY DID

I just made them for whatever reason not want me there calling out the few things I saw needing improvement. I made them aware of them and feel vulnerable. That is what happens of course when doing my job well...
its just part of it.
Most navigate the discomfort-
But this guy just decided best way was to not have me there calling attention to what they may want to re-think.

I just feel better it was no loss of confidence in my ability or an area I acutally could improve in.
I don't think I would have done anything differently but for that one day walking up to the CEO and asking him to refer me to anyone needing help. That was the one moment of not reading the room for me-
I overestimated that I developed enough repoire with HIM and did not read that it was a strong enough working relationship for him to value me.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS I have a couple good references from them. The company ARE still my clients officially... have not sent me anything for weeks but maybe they will need help and maybe the CFO will do so again. Maybe not... either way it was a good run while it lasted.

And if all goes well this next client will be at a higher rate of pay anyway and perhaps it will grow into more hours. They intend to have double the business they have in a year. (The new company) They expect a growth spurt.

It seems like a great place to be; and perfect time to come on board their team.

SO it will be all good in the long run.

AND the recruiter clicked with me. Seriously seemed genuinely supportive of me staying the course to curate who I give my labor and energy to- to choose places and companies and spaces that are doing cool good things in the world.

I told her I envision finding enough clients that are truly doing good work that betters others or our world to have my labor and energy go toward.

I love that she did not think that was crazy but said me saying that was really validating to her and the way she thinks.

I bascially said-

People find what they are looking for. So set intention and decide with clarity what you want and then GO LOOK FOR IT or CREATE it.
I firmly believe that.

It may take work; sure-- hard work and patience. But the thing is to be patient. If settle and take the first thing that comes your way out of fear thinking then there is no space or opportunity to find that which you really want!

This is so true of everything! I mean relationships or jobs.
Too many people are just not INTENTIONAL with what they want in their lives.

I want to be really intentional in creating the life I want at this point.

AND I really believe this is not just Whoo Whooo Bullshit ( sure it sounds very "California" , "Marianne Williamsonish...") but I think there is so much common sense in this.

SO kudos to all of you who say NO to what you know is not right for you!! Sit with the lonliness
Sit with the unemployment a bit longer....

and the right fit will come along.

AS long as you keep doing the work of looking. That is the key. Things don't just fall into your lap; you have to keep doing the work!

So tomorrow I will take the next step of purchasing that security key and digital signature. I didn't get to that yet. (I haven't really needed it yet. I really am more interested in finding commercial clients with my own company than govt. I might pick up a short term W2 project as I am just starting out consulting.)

I actually have what would be a third interview for a W2 job. Its one I am not really interested in but figures it is the one that moved forward in the process as well. Turned off perhaps by their use of a recorded behavioral interview and with some disclaimer that I think said NO AI will be used but I think that BS as the platform they used, HireVue, is ALL ABOUT using AI for behavioral analysis of early "digital" interviews. So the disclaimer itself perplexed me. I read on the company they used and what they do. Maybe they caught backlash and it is true no AI used? Should I care either way? I mean that will only help me and NOT LEVEL the playing field. The concern I have it AI has proved to be biased and prejudices programmed right into it!

AH- I just found this article,AI%20to%20analyze%20their%20performance.

I am really indifferent about the W2 job. I don't even really recall what it pays. I have to go through my emails. I mean that use of AI literally turned me off and I almost did not follow through at all.NOT because of any anxiety. NO I knew I would nail that interview- but because of ethical questions and considerations and the fact I assumed it is an abelist process that does discriminate. I assumed that before even finding the articles on it. I mean HOW THE FUCk can AI make behavioral analysis unless that is based on normative beahvior.

I fucking want to run a company and land work and once I am solid land work for those who ARE NOT normanative but who are still good people worthy of contributing in jobs even if quirky!!

I get riled up when systemic problems could be worsened due to AI.

I have no objection to use of AI for certain things.
BUT it actually surprised me my visceral discomfort at its use in a hiring process. YET I Know that this has been done for years in certain spaces. It is not really new. I mean I assume algorithms are out there to measure how long it takes a person to complete a job application. How quickly you respond to questions etc...

At least I would have expected that YEARS Ago ( but maybe I just assumed that was the case.)

Well off to bed after a good day!

Today I thought of my winery owner friend as the last time I had an important job interview ( maybe a couple of years ago) I recall being touched that I had told him about the interview a good week before and I got a text literally right after done asking me how it went. He surprised me by his attentiveness.

I haven't texted with him in a week or more and haven't swung by. Weeks ago I stopped by and he was out of eggs! I need eggs as now we are out so tomorrow I need to remember to stop by the bank and pull out some cash to go buy eggs from his farm. It will be nice to chat and see how he is doing.

And I guess it makes me think of that carving out life you want by looking for what you want in life.
I am enjoying dating the DC guy. He gives me the space I need for sure but I am starting to think he is not attentive enough for my needs.
HE does not communicate enough for me I think!
Which just validates this is a matter of convenieince for him, or in other words - I may be being used!
If a guy not into you he will be happy seeing you once every couple weeks but without putting forth any effort to actually carry weight of any responsibility in building a relationship.

I randomly saw some dude , a relationship coach video pop up that said that. And I was like
DAMN I feel called out...
His video was how to tell a user. The person who uses you but has no intention of really investing in anything substantial. The person who doesn't really care if you are going to be there next month or even next week really... but they are happy to have your company as long as they are not doing anything better.
THis relationship coach said you can tell as user as they don't pay any attention to your needs. The don't intend parntnership. They want to contol the planning and have no interest in what your interests actually are.

I hope that is not the kind of realtionship I am in. BUT the communication is really good when together yet not there during the interveneing time! NOW That might be no issue because I am pretty busy and truth be told I need my space and time to get my shit done.

Tonight I would have liked to have talked to my guy I am seeing after my interview. The phone is here somewhere....
I would like MORE however if he paid attention to the things I meantion that are important to me. I feel like he really doesn't care , just doesn't really give a crap about my world but is again one of those guys that wants me to only step into his world.

That is fine for a bit, for me to have an escape but it feels like then OK if mutual and with full knowledge and expectation that will be light and not go anywhere.

I was fine dating him in past to have things move really slowly and be very casual.

But I think when he has recently opened up and indicated he wanted more of a partnerhip
He used that word
BUT THEN he pulls back the communicaton

He is giving mixed signals.
That is the part bothersome to me.

So will have to discuss with him this weekend when I do see him. I am looking forward to seeing him

BUT what is bothering me is this dynamic where I had apologized for being late

BUT I never agreed to be earlier.
I realized he has this tendency to ask if I am available at the time I have had a longstaning meeting ( I mean he did not listen and pay attention- OBVIOUS example of his inattentiveness to me and my world RED FLAG)
I have regular meeting and I have shared that with him.

BUT once again he asked if I could meet him at that time.

The last time we got together he also asked me if we could get together early in day; I said no and responded it had to be late afternoon.

But then it seems like he perceived me as running late when I had been clear I could not be there until late afternoon.

I would prefer to meet around 5pm but he of course ( and this is a good sign) wants to maximize time...
I want to get my shit done first then go see him....
I think I just have more general household responsibilites of course. I mean having a family creates more...

I just don't like when I say I want to meet later the sense of me running late as I think he gets the earlier time in his head and then it seems he feels like I am running later than I really am.
OH yeah I have run late-- but its also cause I say late afternoon and he will say "Can you get here by 3:30?" And I think "OK I should be able to do that" and I AM THE ONE to make a mistake of saying YES

Saturdays I just have chores to do. Cleaning bathrooms, laundry, yard work , etc...

This weekend will be finishing up painting that one bedroom with kids.
Moving furniture up from the basement
then my tenant moving in.

So to get to DC early to spend time with him WILL BE NICE

But it is honestly a source of stress for me to get my shit done to leave early.

And a problem for me is making plans VIA EMAIL

Just freaking pick up the phone and call me!!
But I am complaining likely discontented cause its been about two weeks since saw him last...

and after that much time not talking and connecting the "just not that into you" vibe gets strong.

I guess I would be ok with the not that into you, but really still enjoy your company-

BUT FOR the fact I thought he wanted something more and he sends mixed signals. So the bottom line is I still feel like he is freaking all over the place with NOT KNOWING what he wants.
It is hard to consider a relationship with a person who does not themself have clarity of what they want!
That is just NOT attractive!!

I think he is figuring it out. And I do really enjoy his company so have not had issue really with him not knowing.

But I guess this week it just was irksome to me his distance as there was so much I wanted to talk about.

BUT I chose to write rather that call him tonight in part cause the phone is here somewhere... I misplace it all the freaking time...
and I knew writing would be sufficient! I wanted to share good news with my peeps! I then missed my winery friend who asks about what is going on in my world with concern ( could call him... but he would try to get me to come over and too dang tired for that.)
I am ready for bed after the long day.

I also thought of calling one of my girlfriends. I thought of the one in DC as I told her about this job possibility and considered sharing my excitement with her; or my Buffalo bestie ( the social worker) OR my other Buffalo gal friend... former co worker. (She is grieving the loss of her husband who died a year ago this week from a heart attack leaving their two kids and her without him!)
BUT I decided to just write instead and share with the on line peeps!

I am tired and off to bed now.
Tomorrow we have a room to paint!

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