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2022-09-30 - 5:12 p.m.

Tonight I have no choice but to embrace the unexpected gift of the ADHD slow down.

ADHD forces one to stop constant activity. Those moment when have lost something essential to "Get it Done" can either be lamented over, or taken in stride as an opportunity to shift expectations for a day and realign a plan and slow down.

I had a lovely day. I got up and went to copy keys as was meeting the realtor and new tenant at 9:30 AM.

I have my security deposit check and explained how that works to the tenant who wasn't clear on that.

I planned on heading over to the bank to depoit it in the escrow account I use exclusively when I rent my basement for security deposits.

The thing is that bank is hella far.
Its a haul.
They DO have some local spots that accept deposits.
BUT I had a sound financial security plan for that account of other people's money- which is I have ZERO paperwork and no way to access the account in my home.

I have friends who have stayed here and tenants over years with guest in and out so I just felt like for an account of someone else's money better to not have anything about it possibly acessible. So easiet is just leave it to going in person to manage it considering how seldom that is. Literally to deposit the security deposit at start of a rental and then to withdraw it and have a cashiers check ( if it is returned) or to then use that account for repairs and return the difference.

I jjust never wanted to accidentally dip into the account so don't even want to use a bank card. I had one issued but cut it up..

So the thing is I don't have a deposit slip I can mail or means to make a deposit at a location that accepts them. You need a card to do that at the spots at ATMS in other banks or spaces that this bank is linked to.

So I was planning on heading to the bank and running just a couple of other errands. To pick up eggs and say hi to my friend on the way back, get some dish detergent as we ran out. Scope out laundrymats ( as once I have a tenant I go to the laundromat for us with my kids. I kinda like the outings to be honest of the family going together to do laundry and then getting a meal or ice cream afterwards to be honest. I think getting back into that routine will be GOOD for this family as my kids STILL just don't go out into the world much!! It will also increase their responibility in doing their own laundry - which all those years renting they did! They do less of their own now only because they start it but I want to move it along so I finish it! And they say leave it they will fold (or not) their own; but one follows through and I know it is on me that the pattern happened for the other that I fold it only cause I can't stand to see the huge unfolded laundry pile in a basket or on the chair growing outside their room. So I fold and at least it is a little neater as clothing is spilled into the hall from the packed bedroom. ( That kid just has way too many clothes!! This is the trans kid who got new stuff likes to wear but did not toss enough of the old stuff as identifies non binary and every so often although exceedingly rare will dress in something actually with a feminine style. But honestly I think time to donate all that stuff and keep the mascaline clothing which is most often the choice. I think the other things are worn only on the rare occassion dirty clothes have piled up to such an extend there are not other choices! This kid just needs to get rid of excess clothing and do their laundry far more often is my view. Make life simpler and their space would be so much cleaner and easier to manage with LESS STUFF!! I do think there is a commonality amoung some autistic persons however that they get attached to things and don't like change and don't like getting rid of their things. Its almost like there is greater attachment to stuff as important to identity than for other kinds of people. I say this as I have seen twitter threads from autistic persons discussing deep hurt at their parents making them get rid of beloved items like stuffed animals with the would persisting into adulthood. Things allistic seem to accept as inevitable the autistic persons kinda think is bullshit. Concepts like age appropriate are seen by some autistic persons seems to me as social constructs that are absolute BS and they think it awful that their actual feelings and perspectives were invalidated.
To me it seems like an immaturity ; I mean of not understanding that there is a practicality in getting rid of old stuff. To keep it all is unmanagable and cumbersome at best, but can be unhealthy as well. I mean clutter captures dust and if you have much is hard to keep spaces as clean. That is a real concern! I mean I have seen horaders! (And yes they were among the autisic population actually the ones I knew).

Anyway My kids overall have been really good at getting rid of things over the years for the most part. I have one who had a melt down EVERY SINGLE TIME this was done. But the other one, the one diagnosed autistic who has just too many clothes is not a pack rat of collecting other things. It is just they haven't yet gotten around to sorting and purging I think due to the energy it takes and having POTS, not really out of unwillingness. More out of health and then also avoidance/procrastination of a task not looking foward to which with ADHD also can be super overwealming as it is a big one.

I get that for sure. I just pulled out the bin of crap I HID in my closet not a couple months ago! mean I cleaned my room maybe two months ago when my lover from DC was coming over for the first time and I ran out of time to sort and purge and put away that last pile of stuff. So it went in a bin and was hidden in the closet. IT was the pile of crap that had accumulated on the davenport in my room that became the catch all stash stuff storage area when too lazy to put it away.

So guilty of this myself! And yes sometimes legit have no energy , or plain procrastination but YES sometimes I have just been downright lazy and avoidant of doing the work which if I were more disciplined in doign would save me so much work later!!
I have gotten SO MUCH BETTER at folding laundry immediately upon coming out of the dryer. I actually YES have developed that positive HABIT.

I am there! That is a habit I set the intention of having and am proud of myself I got to the point of practicing and doing it intentionally until it became natural to carve out time for folding and not routine to just move laundry along but piling it up on the table downstairs thinking "I will do this later; just don't feel like it now."
Truth is the habit is to not allow oneself to ever not do a task because one doesn't feel like it.

That is the key! Recognizing following your "feeling" or "preference" promotes lazy avoidance and in the long run creates more work of a disorderly mess to navigate and untangle.

I wish my teens would figure this out. In time they will I am sure but long after I will see it I bet!! Ce la vie... it took me a long time too. I first nailed that with work deliverables or tasks. But it took longer to get there with my own household management of chores etc.

So the main point of writing was to capture how after I did run and get keys made; I recall chatting on my cell phone to check up on my Florida family ( They are all OK!! Weathered the storm well in Orlando and the Indian River area.)
My oldest said he is lucky his house was built above grade in an Orlando neighborhood and it is the newer houses that were build at grade that were flooded. He said also that since he and his wife have lived there they have watched the development and his wife has been lamenting for years the removal of trees in many surrounding areas. Fortunately they did not remove trees in the older established neighborhood where he lives. Benefit of having bought an older home!!

He said the problem was poor urban planning not thought out as they removed trees between neighborhoods that used to be there. Now when one floods there are no trees that in past would absorb all the water and everything keeps flooding. The water that used to be in one area moves to the next neighborhood.

He said they build on swamp land and didn't create the buffers and foilage to absorb water and erosion futher has created problems.

I thought of the Dr. Suess book The Lorax.

I just heard this amazing radio show this past Sunday on the reseach of some biologist who studies forest floors; actually the undergroud world and who found literal networks of fungus growing under trees that have a symiotic relationship with trees. They form these fiber like tubes that move nutrients from soil to tree. The fungus actually creates these boring spores that are spiral and literally look like drill that oscillate and bore into rock mining minerals then transport the minerals through the tunnels from tree to tree; as they wrap around roots and connect to tree roots. They are fine and look like clear hair like strands and are found withing the forest floor some feet down.
Wild stuff- that this scientist from a Canadian University was speaking of. The research is astounding as the networks when looked at the mapping of them resemble brains. She said they are connected like nurons and our nervous system and in her talk she used the word intelligence-which the interviewer noted immediately and asked her more about.

To think of intelligent design of the roots and fungal networks that are carrying essential matter and minerals for life from one living thing to another- IN TREES is really pretty remarkable.

DR. Thresa Ryan of University of British Columbia
Show was Radio App.

HEck ADHD gift for you all today as I couldn't find the address to send the postcards I mentioned this on which will be mailed to my oldest three kids someday! Child #3 of mine is a science teacher now so she will love hearing that show!!

I wrote those on Sunday and they happen to be sitting on the desk right next to where I am sitting writing this evening.

So after meeting the new tenant which was nice; we enjoyed a cup of cofee and talked to get to know each other then discussed some of her quesitons and she looked at the space again for planning; I had an 11 AM job interview.

It went well. I don't expect an offer simply as they invited four folks on that panel interview and only two showed. Maybe?
But maybe they already know who they are hiring and it was a formality. I kinda always think that when an interview is scheduled for a strict time frame of 30 min or less.
I figure if the are seriously interested they want a full hour and all four folks invited show up!!

SO it was good but felt like their formality to be able to prove they gave equal opportunity before they hire a good old boy from internally, ( HA HA).

SO, back to how I was forced to slow down today and find time to relax and write:

Best laid plans..

after returning from the hardware store where I copied keys to give to the new tenant; and called to chat with my brother
I met with her; had the interview
and then planned on running to the bank

BUT can not for the life of me find my cell phone! The cell phone which works as a wallet as well with my ID and bank cards. The cell phone I need for multifactor autentication because I never just pretend to understand required security practices in the space I intend to work in but REALLY Set them up and use them. The cell phone I also need to log into VEC which I typically do on Fridays if I have not yet done so already for the week,

So my regular Friday tasks are out; and my bank run plan cancelled. The plan of the painting project on hold too as although I did pick up that blue painter tape which is awesome (and if you paint like I do NECESSARY! I buy the more expensive extra wide kind as I am a sloppy, impatient painter!) However, it did not occur to me when at the hardware store getting that and the keys cut that I needed SAND paper to smooth the spacking on the wall ALMOST ready to be washed and primed then painted.

SHEESH. I KNEW I was forgetting something as I was in the store!

I also know there is only ONE sheet of sandpaper left SOMEWHERE in this house but can't find it.

So we are stuck... on hold til have that to proceed and get this project moving along.

I am just a happy I filled my gas tank yesterday and the plans for tomorrow with my DG guy are free events. We are going to visit a museum, make dinner at his place he has ingredients for then watch the Mets game.

(He asked me to come up with some plans and I did and he then voted my ideas down and proposed that which sounded fine to me. I thought that kinda interesting however... just to take note. Just wondering if any issue or not. Might not be however I am paying attention as if I see a PATTERN of him having to plan what he wants then that would be an issue. And if I see a PATTERN of him not really willing to come here or comromise or enter my world but expect me to only come into his that will be a problem and this relationship will hit its shelf life and expiration date... no matter how much I enjoy his company and enjoy the things he plans for us. I have learned a few things along the way... but that podcast that popped up calling out behaviors of a USER made me take pause and think I REALLY have to have a conversation with him this weekend and carve out my expectations of an actual RELATIONSHIP with him that is give and take. I mean I want to be considered and valued and not just USED.. I think I am ok with mutual using when that is all I want from someone. That is.... I am ok with friends with benefits
BUT honestly there has to be the solid FRIENDS PART

I am not ok with not actually ever communicating meaningfully and just hooking up. That gets old very quickly.

Sex for me is the icing on the cake. The cake best be good and have substance

Cause no matter how sweet icing is it is just TOO MUCH and not good on its own.

One gets sick of it quickly.


Sex might be glue for some relationships- but heck there best be something to hold together by that glue!!

I think it can be the binding thing if have good chemistry that helps couples work through challenges and touch spots if they have disagreements ,It can build attachment and love and concern for the other-
BUT ONLY If allow self to be ATTACHED.

That detatchment from ones sexual connections to others to me is not healthy and I want to create a healthy realtionship with a guy in my life.

So will see what happens with this DC guy. But I am still getting the he is not that into me vibes overall.

I mean he is into me a bit... but I think clear what I mean, he is not that INTO me!! YEah he likes that we are compatible etc...
but that is not good enough for me to stick around.

It was funny how after my interview I thought of the winery friend being thoughtful the LAST time I had an interview and realized the DC guy was not at all attentive whatsovere to anything I mentioned of imporatnac in my life the past few weeks. He aslso started to tell me things but said he would tell me more and never did on a few things important to him. So its like he starts to open up then closed up and shuts off the communication flow.

Interesting to me....

I am observing.

And will talk to him tomorrow night.

So I did enjoy a nice long walk with Bellatrix in which she just smelled everything possible.
That was the slowing down that I did apprechiate this afternoon. Since my plans waylaid...I just took the afternoon in stride. Before the long meandering walk I am pleased I finally remembered to put milky spore on my lawns in both front and back and on the flower beds. The Japanses beetles ate my rosebush so that was incentive to finally take care of those grubs. I bought that to put down and forgot over a year or two ago!! I had picked up some tulip bulbs from the hardware store when we bought paint so am going to plant those tomorrow if it is not raining in the morning.

I got a large bag and am just going to load up my front flower bed with them! They were so much cheaper at Home Depot than when ordered from nurserys as have done in recent years.

I just got to the point where was like- SCREW it I am done living on the shoestring budget with anxiously counting every penny and borrowing to pay the bills to avoid dippig into the 401K.

Hell I have money saved for retirement but if I don't LIVE NOW and then something were to happen how sucky that would be. I mean I have my kids with me HERE NOW. I need to embrace and enjoy the time WITH THEM and do crap for them and myself that is reasonable and not extravagant and not stress if it means pulling a little out of the 401K to live a NORMAL life now rather than a stressful one of auterity now.

So hell decided to get my hair done so I looked as good as possible for the important job interview. It looks fabulous! Seriously pleased with it.

Grey roots covered and its medium length in a sylish cut and the color is a lovely rich reddish copper. Not bright red but warm darker toned copper reddish brown, almost like a burgungy. Think of nice warm deep red that would be in a carpet or curtains ! HA HA - this color is in my carpet and curtains in the living room and not far off from the hair color. The sylist suggested go really rich and dark with color as it will fade into the copper lighter red tone that I had.

Its almost the same color I had my hair colored when I last had my hair professionally done when I was on vacation visiting my son last February.

My hair was long and the self dye jobs were hit or miss with some really bad misses. There were times the roots were colored and came out PINK rather than reddish brown! I did not want to risk coloring my roots myself right before a job interview.

I also decided that in my negotiation role that this time around when I land a good job I will actually invest in my hair regularly and not be cheap with it. In my work appearance DOES matter! Heck I am the face of the company I am negotiating for, so I realized it is not really fair when they hire me and I start strong but then because I don't REALLY Think it is worth $200 to have my hair done I settle for the do it myself cut and color and end up with pick hair. I mean I am going into calls negotiation with folks
They might lose confidence when I look hippyish... or arty... whatever...
Not traditional and conservative.
I KNOW that the being let go was an impulsive decision by the CEO. He might even regret it but would never admit that!

THe President was kind and I am sure sincere when he said the whole executive team was not even consulted and had no clue what happened but the CEO just announced the status change!
The other fellow I called for a refrence said they really all do miss me! He was serious I am absolutely sure!! So I am feeling like they will give me good references.

Teen just blew up a balloon to play with the dog with! Bellatrix is SO excited as she LOVES chasing a balloon around until it pops! The teen bounces it in the air and the doo jumps and chases it until she catches it and actually tries to push and bite til it pops.

So time to go straighten the pile in my room! I dumped the container that sat in my closet and have been working through it. I am going to make some dinner and spend this Friday night clearing my davenport and the remainder of that pile and then will move the remainder of the basement furniture into my room temporarily. There is a desk and a shelf which will go to teen's room after painting. I am moving the cofee table and might just leave it in my room. I realized I have to decide where I am going to work from now that I don't have the basement to use anymore. I did have a nice office space there. I have a nice desk in the living room but thing perhaps the cofee table and davenport will become my alternative zoom spot for calls and negotiations. I can use the living room desk provided I clean it! (It was intended to be my writing desk! BUT there is an easy chair RIGHT next to it way too comfortable ! This chair is my cozy writing spot in this corner of the living room).

Off to fix dinner. Happy Friday!

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It was a productive Day! NO PAINTING DONE- but will make some dinner THEN maybe get it done! - 2022-10-04


Focusing on connecting and being fully present where I live. - 2022-10-04


OOPS yesterday someone called out and they tried to call me into work at retirement community in afternoon! I was napping! Did not see msg or listen to voicemail til today. Ce la vie... - 2022-10-03


Progress; and good thing blue highlights in hair is a thing - 2022-10-03


OK have to go run my errands. Enough procrastination. Was hoping the checks depositied and ACH bills would all be cleared BEFORE going to store again.. but gotta get this done. - 2022-10-03