2022-10-03 - 7:48 p.m.

Spackling has been sanded and walls washed. I did this in the bedroom upstairs and also finally got around to doing so in the upstairs bathroom. I had sanded my bedroom and the downstairs bathroom long ago, so my bedroom did get primer on it today. The downstairs bathroom got a coat of blue paint and I was happy I finished that paint job touching up the rest of the wall while at it ( along with behind the toilet!).

So I am making progress.

I do have to wait, as it is recommended to wait 24 hrs for walls to dry after washing before painting.
So tomorrow will be time to add the primer to the upstairs bedroom of my youngest daughter.

As I was cleaning that room, I shut the bedroom door to wash it and clean behind it and discovered carving in the back of that door that called one sibling a Bitch -

Carved by another.

Sheesh...

This was clearly the handiwork of the one kid of mine who thankfully has grown up to not be so volitile, reactive, agressive and angry.

God help whomever has a relationship with that kid of mine when grown however... as that mean anger streak and volatility was always in that one kid! The kid has grown to have self control BUT

I just worry without therapy it may be hard to get a handle on that nature when really triggered. And that doesn't really happen (the triggering) I think UNTIL in a relationship. It is easier to manage when triggered as a child but becomes problematic when triggered as an adult unless there has been awareness and I think intentional growth to learn how to manage anger! I worry about this kid as not sure the work has been done. (Maybe just years of not being reactive is enough to re-train brain from the instinct response??I HOPE SO

I just hope the fact MY HOME HERE has been more normal for the past few years HELPS in retrain and reconditon this kid to not be so reactive.

I mean they have not been so volitile HERE in years... but I do feel like it was not that long ago ( maybe 4) when there was some abusive behaviors (verbal and threatening). I feel like it is beause this kid has not been triggered either. So it is lingering in the back of my mind that unless the kid engages in active help to work through the craziness of their youth- I mean there was alot of bad examples and I think just something biochemical about how some people's brains are that under stress lends to that kind of protective response being the full fight mode- then not letting going- I mean that was not a fight or flight response to carve a whole damn message but a vengeful really mean thing that took time to do! The hurt is so deep it feels like that the kid in the moment was more aware of their hurt than concern for anyone else (and property destruction is a power play no doubt).

AND I swear this kid is not diagnosed but has issues including mood stabilty ( OK WAS diagnosed with autism which I think is one missing link, but was diagnosed of ADHD and mood disorder but rejected the reality of that and I can't force the now adult child to accept or get help. The kid just is in DENIAL and convinced it was a misdiagnosis of mood disorder. THe kid refuses to listen to me even though I handed over the medical records and they KNOW the Dr and could ASK him any time. That kid just dismisses him (the psyciatrist) as being capable. (He has won Top Doc REPEATEDLY). This kid also tells me I am WRONG that they ever were helped by abilify which I wanted him to know worked really well as a teen for him. I noticed a MARKED improvement in handling life and in everyone elses as well as this kid's well being around him. His response was "I was never on that Well wrong... it is not my "bad memory". He is the MASTER of gaslighting and pretending that realities did not exist and I am exaggerating or misremembering. In packing up all the belongings I came acoss the actual Abilify bottle. (I would have not been touching his stuff at all had he finished the packing job as told he had to do! He ran out of time and just put everything in the closet so I had to move it! He may have missed the repeated instructions I needed it all boxed to get out of the room completely.) He is the master abuser psycologically when triggered of trying to pretend others are gaslighting him! Its remarkable to hear lies and spin and him try to use psychology terms now to accuse ME and others of being manipulative ( cause he took a couple psychology classes.) .Oh yeah moments like that did happen in the past 4 years. So I am adding them in here as I thought about it more- no physical threatenening moments. but there were (Thankfully few and not often) moments of actual psycological abuse from him directed at me enough to make me concerned that unless this now young adult about to graduate college this year gets help he will end up emulating the worst of what he grew up with.

Its out of my hands.

But seeing that carving on the door bubbled up thoughts of this kid again.

I am glad when he is home here all get along. We even MISSED this kid when they went off to college after being here all summer and it will be nice when he comes back home over college break in a few weeks. I just hope he is not too upset that the basement bedroom that he had is not there available anymore! (HE knows I had to rent it !!) He will have the living room couch or the extra twin matress pulled out in one of the bedrooms while here for the week.
I packed all his stuff up in boxes and put it in the attic but for one duffle bag filled with clothes. So there are enough clothes here accessible easily for the week. This kid has TONS of clothes. This is my kid who NEVER wants to get rid of anything! AS a child he would freak if I gave clothes he grew out of to the younger siblings. This is also one of my self identified non binary kids- going by the "he" pronoun as dressing and presenting as male; but that was not always the case. So that also impacted the number of clothes now here! There has not been choice of feminine presentation in him AT ALL in recent years I don't think. YET I got rid of one dress that was not in good condition and he was upset that I gave it away. (It was like a size 2 and would fit no one in this house!) I got reamed out as it was not mine to give away. ( Heck I did not know it would be missed- but this kid won't forget that! HA It is so silly in a way as to me is more a control issue than really caring about the dress. More an opportunity for him to go on about me having no boundaries! WOW... these kids are really lucky that the worst transgressions against them have been the mistake I made of giving away old clothes that no longer fit. ( Yes I do feel badly about the baseball shirts I had no idea the oldest wanted! She did make a comforter for herself with her college frat T SHIRTS but had been excited to make one to take off into the world of her own home from her old baseball shirts from the 10 years of playing.I had tossed them out just about one year earlier in cleaning out my attic!) .

The finding of that carving on the back of the door reminded me of the time that kid of mine got angry at me and carved I HATE YOU into my bedroom wall!!! The kid did then have to spackle and paint. It got done...

At this point my youngest acted like it was no big deal that was carved into the back of the door. I considered if I should make the now young man fix it when he gets home- That sounds like a good idea to me. I have to go into the tenants space to get to the room with heating system and see if there is a replacement door down there. I do think there is! I picked one up off the curb one day in my neighborhood just thinking that would be a good idea to have a spare just in case ever needed. My youngest said "Why does it matter? The door works and I leave it open most of the time anyway."
I said "Because it DOES MATTER That you have a nice environment. I am not happy with GOOD ENOUGH- you deserve better than that; and as homeowner I DO AS WELL. It was damaged defaced property of mine and I WANT IT NICE. It also devalues the home to have crap like that. But its also such negative energy and who wants to see such ugliness ? I don't want that in my home!"

I suppose I should be encouraged that this article is for ADHD and ODD parents?

https://www.onlineparentingcoach.com/2012/03/dealing-with-teen-vandalism.html

I just worry the vandelism and anger could be MORE than just ADHD and impulsive out of control anger.

Just so there is NOTHING ELSE going on that was no recognized other than ADHD and a mood disorder (depression/anxiety).

SIGH
It is so out of my hands.
I might have an extra door in the basement in storage of the boiler room. My tenant basically told me I could go down to do laundry. And she told me she did not need a storage area that I included in the rent initially- but she said she does not need it so I moved the furniture she is not using in there.

HOWEVER despite the fact she SAID we could do laundry when she is not home; I am not inclined to do that. I want to be VERY CLEAR there is a boundary of her space and ours. I do have the college student coming and want it crystal clear NO ONE from my family is to encroach on her space. Regardless of the fact they are all older and SHOULD get boundaries by now I want NO ISSUES. So despite the fact she said she is OK with us going down when she is not home to use the laundry room- The laundry room is in the middle of HER rented living space!!

I also have a LEASE that says that WHOLE space is hers. SO NO... the verbal holds no legal weight.

She means well, but if I take her up on that graciousness it could also be considered me not honoring my written lease!!

So I am not going to encroach on her space like that. She left and I actually just locked the basement door- as she did tell me there was an outlet not working and I had said I would go take a look and make sure the breaker did not get tripped. SO I went down just for that and YES The breaker WAS TRIPPED.

I hope it was not in response to a hair dryer she uses as I suspect! BECAUSE if that is the case there is a problem!
The bathroom outlet SHOULD be able to accomodate a hair dryer! If it doesn't that is not functional if she uses one when getting ready.

I aslo know the guy who did the work in my basement said something about how you could only have one grounded outlet? Something about how he needed one grounded at the kitchen sink he installed- so he moved the grounded outlet from the bathroom to the kitchen. At the time I said OK go ahead- and said we don't use that sink for anything electric for the most part anyway.

I mean no one in my family at that point used hairdryer or electric razor! Neither did my last tenant or her sons that lived there. (I had a mom and two boys - preteens into teens living in my basement for a few years until she saved money and got her finances in order and bought her own place post divorce! I think they were with me 5 years actually or thereabouts! They were fantastic tenants!)

I may have to have an electicial take a look.

But hope not... will see.

But I can't see why the breaker was tripped except something like a hair dryer. I have had a breaker get tripped when we used a hair dryer UPSTAIRS on occassion. Maybe it will work for a certain amount of time but maybe a standard hairdryer gets hot and it is a safety that is working correctly? I just remembered the breaker tripping on the rare occassion one of the kids here did use a hairdryer and that was upstairs. So maybe it is a safety thing and those get hot?
Will do some research to see what I can find out about that.

I am going to chill and watch a movie tonight.

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