2022-10-10 - 12:18 p.m.

Almost the 15th of the month.
Each month I am hopeful VEC will get it together and I will be awarded the unemployment insurance payments and perhaps in aggregate will have enough for the mortgage and not have to pull from my 401K.
There is a cut off date by which I have to make that transaction in order to pay the mortgage on time.
On time is not the 1rst when due- but the 15th.

Yeah when finances tight good to know mortgage payments generally actually offer the two week grace period just for such tough times to allow people to pay before considered late.

I prefer to NOT leverage that any pay by the 1rst. BUT intentionally decided to just pay the OTHER outstanding bills. Some of the medical copays that were piling up; the HOA fee etc.
and credit card. Dumb to skip that and have a late fee. ( Which I did last month! I just did not pull enough in time to cover it. I was a freaking days late!! UGH... by the time LAST month I gave up on hope for other money (job offer! or VEC help and pulled from the 401K) That timing was off.

Today I am home and so enjoyed SLEEPING IN!! YES

Its been a long time since I could actually do that (despite not working full time.)

This is my Deacon on duty month. So I have to be at church early on Sunday mornings.

That is a bummer for me in a way that that is date night for my DC Guy and me. His care is on the fritz... hell I love that he is driving a 16 yr old vehical he has mainained ! HA Man of my heart....

over commits HA HA
I mean I think he is the OPPOSITE of a commitment phobe in many respects. He just needs to heal from hurt from his last love that broke his heart. Its a slow process sometimes that healing. I feel like he is building trust of me slowly.

I feel like perhaps I was dumped back then for the actual reasons I sensed back then-
that he REALLY does want an unequivocal commitment. I feel like he is ATTRACTED to independent women but at heart wants the assurance of him being the one and only.

He says he is really supportive of me maintaining my relationship with the Buffalo guy and I truly believe him- but I also think that is supported as it is obvious not threat
I mean despite the love we share ( Buffalo guy and I ) that Buffalo relationship will remain an open one

I aslo think that Seinfeld has the romantic notion ( yeah let me just call him that, or was it Jerry? The psudoname?) of finding a love of his life. So he is still LOOKING I mean I think he wants an open reltionship to keep open the possibility of finding that romantic knock your socks off rock your soul kind of pull to someone you want to spend all your time with cause you just fell madly in love.

I think that he found that once at least; so knows it exists.

I know I found it- but also know that was not sustainable as after knew more fully ALL The aspects of that person it was obvious that there was not a healthy dynamic for me.

Because I of course always fall in love with the artist.

I really wonder if all artists are narcissistic at heart.

Again I want to rail against that idea
I want to rail against the idea that the artist needs to destroy themself in creation.

I am reading Henry and June again.

I suppose motivated by the fact the June in my life. Oh but make no mistake - it was never a romantic relationship between my June- NO NO inclination EVER to kiss each other as neither of us are attracted to women, or have been.. I mean it just not in our nature I believe. We never had that inclination whatsoever and JOKED too bad we didn't because had we life would be BETTER for her- hell she lived in my house for a number of years as the nanny and if that were our inclination in any respect I could have put up with her quirks and offered HER health insurance all those years! I mean it seems so tragic in a way still to me that she has true friends that do care for her YET She finds reasons to renounce them HERSELF at times and go off fiercely independent to find life so hard.

Reading Anais' descriptions of June seem so spot on at times- how people are just entralled and love her ( men mostly! HA But I swear I have seen some women under her charms as well).

It just is helpful to read of Anais and Henry having the shared conversations of understanding June.

I go to great effort to NOT have those conversations. But the Henry in our lives ( in the past - I mean YEARS ago now) and I did have them when he was my lover.
It was inevitable.

I think of this now as there were passive agressive barbs thrown at me which surprised me and communicated that June is not over her anger at me for having been involved with Henry.

This is disappointing to me. Cause she made these comments "My girlfriends don't know how we could still be friends."

It just felt hurtful as she said things about being grateful for our friendship then the little passive agressive comments came out. But then at the same time I worry about how she is doing.

She called me very often for a few weeks. I mean she goes in spurts of sometimes suddenly calling me at 7am and waking me which makes me cringe , not because I don't want to talk with her but because I hate benig worken up earlier than have to when my body is tired! Its just the being worken up- but we addressed that and she listened and stopped calling then.
She said she thought it was OK and I said that it HAD BEEN when I was on the early work schedule! Then it was great if she called early but the challenge is now I am NOT on the working every monring routine.

So that was communicated and we were talking regularly again but not ridiculously early hours

but then she does this thing where suddently her communication STOPS.

And I feel like it coincided with me mentioning spending time with the guy I am dating who lives in DC.

I met him through her.

Now she WANTED me to meet him. She encouraged me to meet him and truth be told I was not really interested in him AT first. (Hell I thought our gal friend, his roommate was MARVELOUS I mean I was so much more interested in talking with her on that first occassion. I still recall THAT conversation- it was amazing to meet someone understaning duende with the fullness of intensity and spiritual realization that she has. I mean she is just a stunningly beautiful person and a flamenco dancer and poet and incredible writer. She is a spiritual leader and guide and runs a media company focus on spiritually assisting others. She studied film studies and had an award winning podcast and was an early adoptor of that medium and on line blogging twenty years ago in Miami. I mean she is a intense, sexy, spiritual woman with a purity of her spirit and depth who works as a caretaker as well. Just this incredible soul and light and yet understands struggle and darkness with such empathy.

June was friends with her of course. Before me

And I feel like there is this weirdness now of jealousy
Maybe I am projecting and it is not there

BUT it for some reason is WORRYING me that one of the last actual conversations I had with June was the one in which I mentioned going to a baseball game ( it was so much fun! I had been wanting to go to a game for the past couple years! I asked my kids ...the one who would go , who loves baseball is not here and the ones here said NO!)
I asked my winery friend to go with me... he said no. I considered going alone once I was working again.

So that was such a beautiful date night for me.
I am just not a good liar;or good at being ... what is the word...evasive , when asked a question.
I am a straight shooter.
I tell the truth.

* I am sure this is a trait that is both an asset and liability in my negotiation skills. HA HA

I have to always work with those for whom that works well!

So when I talked to her last and she asked what I had been doing and I told her of going to the game the night before; well then I heard her hurt that this friend of her had a falling out.
I so freaking wish they did not. But they each have to navigate their own friendships/relationships and it is not really my business.

I want to stay out of others business.

BUT she was so hurt and it was hurting me to hear it. And made me irritated with him frankly. Makes me want to judge him...
but then I ALSO understand the need to set clear boundaries with friends.

I GET it when setting boundaries can be hard and when it can result in a rift sometimes.

So I have nothing but EMPATHY for both

and really don't want to be in the middle of them so won't do that--

and don't talk of her to him; or of him to her-

But I did in a way as I did give my take to her in support of some of her perspective. YES I validated some of I support her perspective that he was being the self centered of the two frankly. But then again sometimes that is necessary for one's own mental wellness and it is not necessarily ABOUT The person that one has to extricate self from.

I mean it is really about doing what works for YOUR OWN Wellness.

So I think this as perhaps she needed space from me for her wellness? Just as one of these TWO friends of mine needed space from the other for their own wellness.
Not necessarily to be taken personally

I mean it is I suppose exactly what I had to do in relation to ART.

I loved Art so deeply that I had to separate myself from him to let go and just move on.

The letting go once we gave it a go in earnest was truly healing for me.

It was something I HAD TO DO.

So I get it.

But nonetheless I was worried about the suddenly being cut off from June. It just kinda sucks. I mean I think I was even reticent to really open myself up and fall for the DC guy simply as I was concerned about how that would affect our sisterhood.
I mean she is like my sister.

BUT I stopped worrying and she moved and is in CA and the DC friends are here and they are still friends with me and I still so enjoy seeing both of them.
She told me she also never talks to the gal- that she did not get phone calls back from her.

Just a bummer as friend GROUPS are great ! I LOVE having them
until someone falls for one of the friends
and some start sleeping with each other
snd something doesn't work out
and there is unrequited love
and then they get complicated...

I mean I guess I expect this in ones 20s
BUT I don't expect those kinda uncomfortable dynamics AT THIS STAGE OF LIFE

And most of all I think the thing disappointing is that until that phone call when June went on about her hurt at the rift of her friendship with DC guy

I had no idea her depth of having been hurt
and I hurt her surely
yet again... she once again set me up with someone ( I mean that was her very clear intention. "Let me introduce you to this guy you might be compatiable with. YOu have alot of common interests".

BUT DAMN I should know by now that in the friendship with her to NEVER do this again. She is the most social person I know who DOES have this ability to connect to others. I mean strangers become friends...
Actually the guy I am seeing also have that gift. That is something they both share.
But she always wants to introduce me or other girlfriends to men she met who it just didn't click with for her
BUT then I think in my case at least there is a jealousy.

Sigh

I can't worry about it. But just wanted to vent as of course it is uncomfortable as she is honestly one of my closest girl friends.So yeah it hurts to see her not being responsive suddently. Its like heard from her non stop for weeks then suddendly NO communicaiton. This is not unusual to be honest but this time it feels like it is because she was hurt; and I hope I did not hurt her just because of my relationship with DC guy who honestly I grow more fond of and feel more attached to - as I am trusting HIM more.

Hope that trust is not misplaced.

I am enjoying the relationship with him. He is a tender thoughtful man and lover. Everyone has quirks and issues. Mine is likely needing my space. He honors that. I feel like we have good balance of respecting each other and allowing each other to fully be ourselves.

AH Today was such a nice day of rest.

I was just reading and lounging all day. I decided today is the day to just NOT DO ANYTHING
NO PLAN

Just Be

And found myself sleeping in then reading Henry and June.

I need a day like this as this weekend was so scheduled and packed.
I brought DC guy with me to meet an old hiker buddy- a fellow I traveled with 11 years ago to Glacier National Park! It was nice. We didn't socialize with the party folks that long as they were meeting outdoors at a nice space but my guy was cold outside so he and I visited with them a bit; connected with my friend; then we went inside to eat and watched the Mets Game. Which my guy negotiated to get shown. : )
(He has skills!)
The group had planned to go bar hopping. Not really my style as non drinker for most part but for a BD celebration fun to join in and enjoy the company even if not the drinking. This guy whose BD it was definately is a drinker. He is also super fun. I recall laughing more than usual when up late playing cards at the campground.

I have some hiking besties and none of them could make it but the invite did act as catayst for us all to email and text and catch up a bit. We are overdue for our renunion gathering or a trip! One of them went to NYC city with me and my friend from work I walk with, who went to the beach with my kids and I on the last day of summer this year- so saw one just a couple years ago; but the rest its been since pre-COVID!

One was on a 62 mile bike ride!! WOWZER! I would love to get into cycling like he is. The only cycling I did this summer was when my car was in the shop and I had to get to work after dropping it off then back to pick it up!

Time to dress and go put some bulbs in the ground.

�

�