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2022-10-12 - 12:56 p.m.

Well. Life goes on. I humbled myself and after a family member called to talk to me have a $2000 loan from them to get by this month.

Super grateful.

It is SO HARD to ask for help.

I had the person send me a letter with the loan information for benefit of both of us (for taxes for them so when I pay back it does not look like income! And for ME so it does not look like income. It is family I borrowed from ALREADY so it was also good to have the letter clearly articulate what was borrowed in past!)

Just hope my tax return gets filed!! That would resolve family debts which are keeping my bills from being in default!!


AND I did not go to volunteer and don't feel badly after the HOURS wasted yesterday. I mean my hr of drive time, four hours with NOTHING TO DO substantive; then the dead hr in between the end of so called volunteer shift and the training.

Just not that well organized and I get it - this is a volunteer thing and they need folks present. I just can't afford to neglect responsibilities so HAD to tend to them first. When got the call as about to leave I picked it up and the offer of help was SO TIMELY

I am grateful. So blessed to have family that helps each other out.

What goes around comes around. One family loaned to another; who when had some cash loaned to me etc..
and eventually we all WILL get paid back. We don't take advantage! We are not that kind of family who feels any sense of ENTITLEMENT. NO we are moreso the ones stubborly independent who fail to ask for help when need it.

Just wanted to write for 5 before heading out.
Dr. appts scheduled
money moved that should be in my acct to pay the mortgage BY the 15th
I caulked my kitchen sink ( cause yesterday finished organizing my desk and FOUND the missing caulk I bought a month ago!!)
Why it was on my desk I will never know. HA dumb place for it- but for that seemed like a good idea at the time as I PRESUMED it was getting done the day I put it there but somehow covered it with the paid bills. I found it actually AFTER cleaned the rest of the desk and took care of filing all the paid bills in the filing cabinet! once I did the filing there it was on the bottom of the pile! HA

I suppose last month when paid bills the caulk got covered!

Happy I consolidated the WORK desk and the carved out WRITING personal desk into one space. I have binders to segregate what is being worked on.

My goal is to have the desk COMPLETELY Cleared by Friday so it may be a shared space my college student may also use when here for the week .

The kid got displaced from their bedroom ( when rented basement!); along with lost use of the third desk that was down there! There was one that the kids used AND my work desk.

The nice desk that was down there had been my son's in NYC in the small apt. It is now in the one teen's room. The youngest is happy to have it and a shelf.

My son met with a psyhic once for fun who said he would be taking care of his sister in upcoming years. We always wondered if something would happen to make that come true.
I think we all thought if so, that meant something DRAMATIC.
I now think it was SO TRUE even if not dramatic.
but in fact is now... this time in which he is helping his sister.
He helped with all his old things now being redistributed. So his youngest half sibling is one who received some lovely modern furnishings as we are painting and refreshing the room with new items that are nicer than the old- some of which was removed. The old big dresser I moved here from Buffalo with GONE
The room is brigher and has more space.
There is a new wardrobe for the other half sibling which has brought great joy of some of his hand me downs.
AS far as the room re-fresh-
The priming was done by my kid. I helped just a bit .Just a tiny bit more to finish and then the kid will get the color on. Slow moving but there is still movement on that project by my kid which is great.
The room ALREADY looks SO MUCH BRIGHTER and has more light and is more organized just from the primer.

OK My few minutes of breather done. I just need to write as for me it is my mediation at times! THIS IS MY SELF CARE. Writing helps me release and relax.
NOW ready to go.

After the family call as about to leave AGAIN when recruiter called. My gut said don't rush out but pick this one up. I often let those calls go to voice mail if something else is planned ( as I get many!) This was a good one to pick up. Said yes to being pitched for a job. The better job he wanted to pitch me for I said NO to as it is a clear conflict of interest! KNOW the company well as they were both a prime we supported or a sub on some of our prime cotracts in the last space I worked in. Hell they will know me and if they respect me as much as I respect the attorneys I worked with there this would be a good fit if they know me.

I won't apply for the space that would be a conflict so said NO to the one role. BUT the company has TWO other roles. Since it is a bit close to home (not pysically but you know what I mean!) as far as company negotiated with in the past I have NOT looked to them to see if hiring. BUT when the recruiter called said YES to the two departments in which there WOULD NOT be a conflict.

Sad truth is the one job open there is a conflict pays more- as in about 15k more per yr. BUT I HONOR my Non compete and NDAs etc so won't even play in that arena.

Whatever is meant to be will be...
I will land a good job yet.
I told them I would not even consider accepting any offer unless have the blessing of my current client, my old employer.
I am sincere and serious about honoring that transparency and agreement.
It was still a decent threshold as I was honest and for this one gave him the minimum of range of the rate I want. It would be easy to work there to be honest. The job would not be that hard. Not a Director role with that level of responsibility and decent commmute. So at this point as need a job best throw hat in the ring of a couple at a lower rate than the high ones pitching so far. Not too low... high enough to be compensated well but not so high as to not be considered which is what I think is happening. I think I am pricing myself out of a job. There are some who WILL PAY what I want but at this point not sure I can wait for that. I figured give a good few months to try..
but I may be at the point where have to take the next best thing.

So be it. What is meant to be will be I am convinced.
I did get an email from the one potential new client that they are checking references... so still in queue.

Off to see if they want my help later than scheduled at the festival and if not will enjoy the drive and get an ice cream standwhich then stop to run errands have to do anyway! If no work for me will hit the nice space with my business cards and talk up my business. This will be a business development trip in that case! Will blanket that town with my cards which I have not yet done. Will walk and visit every coffee shop and find who has community bulliten boards and put the cards out.

YES Productive day. Not what I planned but got a lot of shit done today once realized my TO DO was priority and as a volunteer have to take care of family needs FIRST. Thought those would all be squared by today but they were not so just had to realign the plan to get them squared away!
I feel so much better than this AM when I spent the first 45 min of my day on phone with VEC to no effect. ZERO progress there. I will call them AGAIN and try again tomorrow with that.
If it does not pan out CE LA VIE
and know that is is absolute BULLSHIT that people GAME The system to try to get benefits they are not entitled to or deserving of.
REALITY IS there are structures, laws, and people work for years putting money into the unemplyment insurance with expectation and YES even LAW requiring that they DO get a benefit WHEN and if unfortuantely NEED it.
the reality is that in the federal space folks are :
1.Either overworked and make grave errors so folks don't get benefits under law are entitled to ;
2. Systems are desigened which make it difficult and add contraints making it hard to navigate ( by design or by poor quality- just awful systems Only one of the two are possible!)
3. OR BURNT OUT and cynical and the actual employees GAME the system by NOT approving when folks actually ARE Legally not only eligible but under law techinially yes DO have a right to help after playing by all the rules.

In other words, when rights and obligations and benefits are set up; there really is no enforcement to ensure they are provided.

Its hit or miss.
On the basis of the skill or desire and discretion of the employee processing a file AND on the basis of the skill of a user in navigating a system with awful contraints.

It is what it is.

Just a shame.

Some folks don't have family to help.
Some don't have retirement funds to pull from.

So when you see a homeless person realize that person MAY HAVE WORKED THEIR WHOLE LIFE and done everything right

BUT Still found themself homeless.
Because social safety nets fall are woven of tenuous threads. They only work when someone holds them together ( a good social worker; a good federal employee with interest in doing the work to help someone). Without additional support systems relient on computer and user interfacing only fail.

That is a reality. Some end up losing their housing due to system contraints, human error or human indecency of being burnt out, cynical and judgemental.
MOST who fall through the cracks are those with the LEAST skills in need of the most help.

It actually happens.
Our society should not value SMARTER people more than others yet we consistently do.
Systems designed that are complicated to navigage by their design exclude the most vulnerable.
I find this abhorrent.

I swear this happens MORE OFTEN that folks "gaming the system" and trying to lie for some benefit NOT entitled to.

On that note-- off to volunteer and also (or solely) work on business development to find some clients that might need my services.

OH in other news my one young adult does have a new job. I hired the kid as my first employee.
$20 hr rate asked for given to provide tech support.

The kid did good work in trouble shooting why my emails got hung up and would not be sent out and received by some.

Happy to have my kids help. When home will work on further fixing the issue.

But some progress made also on clean up of malware and other computer functionality in an hour of work today.

A good business expense surely! This kid DOES have skills!

So that was the other thing worked on rather than go to the volunteer work this AM.

I felt overwealmed by the tech support my email needed but now feel better about it with the help of my kid. Will tackle that project further tomorrow!

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