2022-10-15 - 7:36 a.m.

So it was really sweet that my friend the cook (from work PT job) asked about my interview, if I heard anything yet. .

And it is disappointing the guy dating has not asked me about anything in my life. Literally anything.

He is rather self absorbed.
I did have a discussion that I wondered if he is into ME as said I don't want to see someone not actually into ME in the particular a couple weeks back.

He said "of course I am. Isn't that clear because I plan for us to do nice things together I know you will enjoy?"

I told him I really need more communicaiton and connection.

Actually more conversation.
I meantioned how he said he wanted his gf to communicate more rather than giving news updates of life. He felt like it was so impersonal and there was no connection.

I don't even get that kind of communication.

Now its funny because I DO NOT Want someone that has to hear from me or vice versa REGULARLY
BUT I do want someone who WANTS to talk to me in particular once in a while!

Hell if a guy never calls to chat about his life and never calls to inquire and follow up on mine

Well
He is just not that interested.

So its interesting that I still enjoy his company when I see him and it is great when I see him.

But I really get the not that into you vibes from him. Certain things-
like not a card on my birthday. Not a thoughtful gift but a handing me a T shirt he had bought months before when he was dating the other GF. IT felt like such an afterthought

OH here Happy Bithday I got this back in June when traveling to Arizona

A long sleeve T shirt that is lovely says Arizona.
(I actually really like it)

He did give me a lovely chemise that he bought when he was on a beach vacation. The beach vacation was with his bestie, the gal he used to be roommates with

Yes it is clearly just friends.But STILL they are Besties and he is far closer to her than me- which is quite ok. That is not the problem. The problem for me is he has never once asked me about something in my life of significance I have talked about.

The problem is he clearly does not LISTEN when I talk to him.

I mean it is self absorbed red flags that this relationship is for his needs and he really doesn't seem to have time to put into going deeper at this point.

So will see.

Maybe that will change
But I don't have any high expecatations.

Maybe the realism will just help me not be disappointed.

I think it very weird though to not be at all empotionally expressive.

I don;t count sex as being emotionally expressive when one clearly separates their sex life from being in a committed attached relationship. And yeah this guy has done that very easily.
Anyone who is in an open relationship and happy to have a hook up clearly deliniates the two and does not mistake a good sexual connection from a connected relationship.

So the thing is I feel like he is a good lover but he needs to actually be A BETTER FRIEND.

Cause I enjoy having the decent friends with benefits relationship.

That is fine for my life and my values

BUT he just needs to be a closer friend based on his saying he would like to develop a relationship.

I mean he SAID he would like that. But I don't see that corresponding actions to move things more emotionally connected.

and that is a mistake on his part if he DOES want more as it makes my head space completely friend zone him.

Does that make sense?
If I am not communicated he is into me
I am not going to be emotionally investing myself.

And when I did send a more intimate communication asking if he is open to receiving love or if he has a pattern of dumping folks when they push too much ( YES I see that pattern! I see him as a rescuer attracted to someone he perceived somehow as needy and it feeds his ego to be the hero type... I mean ego driven... persuer.... I wonder if he has been in an relationship where there is an EQUAL power balance. I see dependece on HIM in ways in the past relationships- where one relys on him but I don't see HIM being vulnerable. I don't see him being really open and trusitng and raw
I mean allowing himself to take a risk
Allowing himself to really be emotionally connected and invested and consider a we rather than only he.

I have not seen that done.

BUT I am SURE he did that in his marriage. I am sure he was a good husband to his wife.
He is a good boyfriend when plays the role. But its weird to not be defining expectation of what he wants.

ITs like he wants the open relationship
but without the relationship
just the open part

and that my friends is called being a USER.

YUP

But will see...

Maybe this is just fear speaking when I have not connected to him enough.

Maybe that is all driving this dump this AM.

Cause I did invite him to come to the film festival and then enjoy a picnic lunch and catch a few films. And this is perhaps MY FAVORITE EVENT OF THE YEAR.

I Mean this is my ultimate artist date.

To catch a number of films
and I go alone usually and I LOVE IT
but I wished someone would enjoy it with me

So perhaps this is just MY EGO as he wants to go to one
then dinner with another friend.

Not interested in my packing the picnic apparently. Which I was planning and excited to do. It is his birthday this week so I wanted to be romantic and pack a nice picnic thoughfully.

OK I was going to take a tip and copy what the guy who was madly in love with me did when he packed a picnic. It was so LOVELY. I remember how that felt.
I was going to do same now a dozen years later with this man that I DO LIKE and COULD see falling for if he were emotionally actually really available.

I mean the other guy was wonderful but there was no chemistry. ANd weirdly and unexpectedly there IS chemistry with this man.

I mean not sure if it just cause he obsessess about learning to be a good lover so knows how to go through motions or if it is heartfelt. That is the thing hard to figure cause he does so much damn work and seems to really have a special interest in sex! HA HA

I mean that is freaking awesome!

I mean we don't have to have intercourse for time with him to be this really sensual experience. He can just trace his finger behind my ear and rub my neck and get a reaction,

He is a tender thoughtful lover.

So that is why it seems so weird as in past I have had MEH lovers who were tender thoughtful communicators.

Maybe I am the one too much like Seinfeld in thinking I can have both?

But come on I think it is not THAT hard to work on BOTH skills! AND YES these are fucking skills anyone can learn.

That my friends is also the problem. Because anyone really can learn to be a good lover it makes me distruct the motions. I distrust the physical.

I need to know there is real visceral FEELING behind action. So I need BOTH verbal and physical communicaiton with intention.
I guess my concern is he is still figuring out his intention.

And I couldn't have him come here with me as tonight; our date night - and I have been seeing him once a week
happens to be when I have college student coming for the week

AND therefore I have a roomie this week

Can't bring my lover here.
I mean I have no where to host him!!

So there you have it.

I am not getting laid tonight and just whiny about it.

Cause likely still fucking irritated that I am dating a guy who I met through June

Fucking bad FUCKING BAD IDEA
to be dating her rejects

He was deeply hurt she REJECTED him as a lover or relationship consideration

He fucking was falling for OK Fuck that HE FELL FOR HER

But as my older kid said "EVERYONE Falls for her"

Thus reading Henry and June to read why that is...

IT helped so much and I thought I let go of this.

But I think this is what if fucking comes down to for me

I could not fall in love with that OTHER FABULOUS MAN a dozen years ago as he TOO had been in love with June

I mean Fuck there is a fucking block I think in me of having some issue when I know a guy was in love with June
It takes me a LONG TIME to feel like the guy actually is into me

I should NEVER date a man she rejected

EVER AGAIN

I mean too many fucking times

and it has affected my friendship with her for sure (Even thought she set me up with the guys!!!)

FUCK now that I think of it I actually Have FOUR LOVERS she introduced me to over the last dozen years.

I joke with her about it. She made it clear when she dated a guy and it ended if he was OFF LIMITS as she had been in love and would KILL me if that were to happen.

I would not ever have even considered being involved with anyone she had that depth of relationship with !!
Ok but Henry... there was Henry and it was with her freaking consent. Her ENCOURAGEMENT

Fuck that is still the wound that she never got over.

Again I am wriiting about June as it is so disappointing to know her life is hard now and for her to have what seems intentional to need space from me and cut me off for the time being.

Time will tell if it is permanant or she just needs space.BUT I think this is intentional

And that is ok
it is her setting her boundary

Cause she is hurt this guy Seinfeld is honestly one she REALLY LIKED and SHE ACTUALLY Had a VERY DEEP emotionally connected relatonship but there were certain incompaitbilitys in considering romance.

Their personal stuff won't mention as not my story

I only write what I feel is not crossing boundaries of others personal lives.
the periphary of them being in mY LIFE is what is ok
and the germane truths of MY RELATIONSHIP ( With some clear respect for privacy. But hell who ever minds if the world hears they are fabulous lover?? HA HA)

OK To get ready to go now.

I am going to pack a fucking fabulous picnic lunch anyway.
maybe

Even though we are going to meet friend for dinner. OK I am happy about that too. I like the gal she is a hoot and happens to LIVE in the town we are going to be in so it only makes sense to meet her for an hour or so for dinner.

And they happened to have picked my fucking all time favorite restaraunt.

I mean nothing to be disappointed about there. I am excied to socialize with the DC lover and his friend. I just kinda wishe his roomie and JUNE Also were there as we all hung out in past years and it was fun. I feel like I will miss them both...
Ce la vie

I love when there is a nice friend GROUP

that really is so fun and enriching. Part of it is here I just wish it were all ...

And I have one hr. I already got a BD Cake.

Did that when took kid to pick up some groceries before heading home.

I was pysched to get my car washed en route to the college town cause there is a place that it is HALF the cost of a car wash in my area!! WHOO HOOO!!

It was long overdue!!

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