2022-11-03 - 10:12 a.m.

My kid is frustrating me.

The kid thinks I am wrong and there is not any way there are /were bedbugs here.
Because the kid thinks if there were EVERYONE would be itchy.

What is frustrating is I just said
"Be sure to pull ANY of those clothes that came from your brother and wash them all. Put them in the laundry."
Some are still in a pile in the hall- not yet in closets. My kid lives with piles of clothes and only occasionally gets around to cleaning the room and organizing clothing into closets. BUT there WAS recent clean up and some in drawers under the bed. The room is in PROCESS of being cleaned.

I was basically saying "WASH EVERYTHIHNG That came from NYC!"

I said "Just listen to MY EXPERIENCE" Don't tell me I am wrong about what I experienced.

I fucking hate that more than anything.

I told about pulling out the sweater. The kids said " you know you are allergic to dust IT might just be the material of the sweater."

I said-
"Dust allergies are really DUST MITE allergies" but whatever... and I agreed "YES it could just be dust mites. But you can't SEE dust mites and there were BLACK SPECKS I saw on my face after I put that on and then saw when I shook it out over the sink!"

I honestly first saw black specks and wondered if I somehow got coffee grounds on my face when making coffee. That is what they looked the size of! I was SO CONFUSED and then looked at my sweater and then shook and rubbed the VERY WIDE SLEEVE and more fell out, and was like "OH shit!!"

YUP that is literally shit!

Main point is I will bring all can to the laundromat and wash the heck out of my sweaters and clothes stored on the shelf in my closet where I pulled that sweater from.

AND I do think I have a problem But I think it is contained to MY CLOSET.
and I think it all stems from MY NYC trip. I think I got rid of the problem in my room for the most part but even one lingering bugger in an item that was in my CLOSET would have capacity to REINFEST that area.

So I am convinced it IS bed bugs but contained to that area and I have to be careful to mitigate and get rid of and not SPREAD.

The other possibility is that it is a new traveler from the NYC box from son. That would be WORSE as those clothes were just passed on to kids and are in other closets!
even other apts- some went to the oldest's home.

That sweater is in a bag in the freezer until go to the laundromat as no matter WHAT it is -
freezing does kill buggers.

So this AM I awoke and went to the basement to continue to shop vac the rug and laundry room floor. ( My tenant was at work as she goes very early!)

Fortunately, after shutting off the water to the water heater and having drained a bit via the pressure release line ( which does drain water into the hole in the drain in the room thankfully)

there was not much new water. My tenant also may have vacuumed a bit this AM ( She would do that! She is this AMAZINGLY NICE PERSON who was SO Gracious and KIND about this!! )

I really am fortunate to have her as a tenant.

She was SO chill about it and helped me clean up the water as she came home and discovered it JUST AS I WAS finishing cooking some Chicken wings. I had marinated and baked them and was on the final step of BROIL so had to watch them.

Those do not broil quickly. Not like your cheese on the top of a dish or break which takes but two min...

No.. it felt excruciatingly long as I was broiling them ...thinking "just a couple minutes"
but took about 6 or 7 to hit the rendering of fat of skin ON EACH side

So it was at least 15 min if not 20 by the time I got away from the stove and headed downstairs.

She was so kind and came in and said "So sorry to bother you."

I mean her living space is flooded and she comes up graciously apologizing for interrupting my dinner!

I said "Don't apologize! I will finish this one thing and come right down"

So when came down I really thought at first it would be just a little more water-
cause the day before it was just a very small leak

BUT it was INCHES of water flooded.

And when looking at the water heater see indeed it Rusted right through.

Well kudos for timing anyway as the ticket already was in for the water heater.

And the guy did say ( now that I think of it) "You should replace that."

But when he said "should" he was not quite firm and committal.
He said something like "do you want me to call in a quote and give it to you?"

I think my brain is dense sometimes
I didn't realize then I think he was intending to replace the whole water heater-
in hindsight that was what he meant BUT I think also he communicated
tentatively
questioningly
not really with confidence and not sounding like he knew what he was doing

*He is so young and new HA HA

The vibe was to be protective of him and gentle and accept his working and doing his best from me HA HA

So I did say
"I don't need a quote- that is between you and AFS but yes call and see what they will pay YOU GUYS to do the job "
So I did authorize and say
"I already paid the service amt with them"

But then we moved upstairs and he was going to LEAVE and then I said-
Before you leave do take care of the leak- you can do that while here
and I pushed him to the find the leak.

He really was going to leave without doing any work other than having assessed the water situation. Maybe that was his job- but he was never clear about that. ( He will learn better communication too in time! HA HA)

The communication was a fail I think with him
but when I check status my service ticket says

"Water heater, leaks, toilet leak"
and the AFS rep I first spoke to said they are all plumbing related and could be on the one ticket/service call ( the first rep) and yes I only had to pay the $100 service fee to them once.

Suppose rambling as anxious.
Because I called the plumber and just got their office message. No one picked up. I already talked to AFS and they said they would call them. I already also sent an anxious rambling email (mentioning all the problems and time line. I felt better. Then my tenant said wisely "Say nothing and let them diagnose and fix the problems" I just wanted them to be sure to fix them ALL and I don't want to forget or get distracted in listen mode and fail to push them to fix something. That toilet was NOT running until the flush issues but now it is running for instance. That will be a high water bill... and no one checked the pressure of the water yet
So there might be ALSO a broken pressure guage, which also has to be checked.

So I just cleaned the heck out of the box fan that was in my bedroom this summer ( the one came from my son't NYC stuff) as I am going to put it downstairs to blow air on the drying run.

I did see dead buggers in it! Of course that is normal to an extent ,right?

But also those tiny freaking black specks.
So I am glad I cleaned it well as was not going to bring it to the basement without cleaning it first! HECK NO

When you look up what bed bugs look like you find CRAZY DISGUSTING Large indicators of them. Like someone had them for a LONG time before noticing.
but the thing is they are so insidious because they do end up migrating on things like even small appliances.
A used box fan...

Sheesh.
I am writing as it dries in the sun on the porch before putting it back together to put in the basement to help dry out the wet rug.

I had cleaned that fan when it came from my other kid not the one who's NYS stuff was moved here. AH I just recalled it was used fan from my kid-but NOT in my son's stuff from NYC! IT came from my college student who moved into her first apt and had the fan and no longer needs it as her apt has AC. So I took it and cleaned it them before use. So that kinda sucks to find those black specks in it a bit. Not alot- but some after pulling it out from being stored in the attic.

I do know our attic was an itchy space! I actually put off a flea bomb in the attic figuring that would kid buggers up there including mites. BUT the one thing those things do not kill is bed bugs!! So maybe some were in the attic?

I did find a TINY spot of rust colored staining near the back of my headboard-
but it is SMALL
ONE spot. That was found a few years ago ( when first searching)
No OTHER visible signs but for the small black specks thankfully.

Maybe it is a blessing I am freaking VERY allergic to them and my body is so reactive.
Cause at least then the issue is detected early and can be taken care of.
I can't imagine not noticing and having the problem on the scale of the photos find when read about this. SO GROSS

BUT Fuck yeah-

BUT when I read about signs those small black specks it fit the freaking bed bug descriptor. That was what was falling from the sweater I pulled out and wore!

"Rusty or reddish stains on bed sheets or mattresses caused by bed bugs being crushed", from my research will see if you have bed bugs and

"Dark spots (about this size: •), which are bed bug excrement and may bleed on the fabric like a marker would."

So the freaking ANNOYING THING is that I was Only itchy a few days ago after put on the sweater

I first noticed itching on the back of my neck.

But last night I felt BITES behind one knee and in one elbow. I mean only those two spots but indeed there is irritation and itchy bumps- tiny in those two spots.

DAMN I was so bummed and annoyed.

I mean I JUST cleaned the heck out of my room. I JUST washed my sheets and dusted/cleaned the bed frame and ran the vacuum in the room.
It is not as strong as a Dyson (the one I broke!) I still need to replace my upright and get a better vacuum. This is incentive.

The worst part is that when I wore that damn sweater it was for just a couple hours. BUT I was HOME so in that couple hours I may have gone upstairs to my room and SAT on my FRESHLY Cleaned linens of my bed.

I mean I just washed them ALL.
I have not had itchiness for months. I mitigated the issue. I am sleeping well and NOT being bitten.
I also finally have healed from the crazy poison ivy outbreak which was the latest itchy challenge.

I finally am getting over that (there are two darn spots that still did not completely heal on my skin as those would get itchy and I think at night I would scratch them - but there are NO OTHERS from the lingering poison ivy that was lasting months!! I mean I caught it over and over kept getting reexosed as it was sOMEWHERE... on my guitar... I weeded again and must have touched it again.. on my tools... I was washing EVERYING with tecnu and it was really just a matter of time and multiple laundering of clothing and sheets before EVERY bit of the oil I was so sensitive to was GONE.
So that is FINALLY Gone and I have just a couple months itch free and then
THIS??

If I sat on that bed with my sweater that would explain the bites last night. Rambling but cause just can't beleive it...
I was DEFINATELY bitten.

I was wearing short PJ pants up to the knee- so make sense I got bit where exposed at the back of knee; and a short sleeve PJ shirt.

JUST DAMN.

I will vacume and go wash the heck out of everything AGAIN.

And buy another freaking good upright.

SIGH

But my kid best not utter that I am being paranoid.

That fucking makes me angry.

I mean I know what real paranoia is.

This rambling is nothing other than HEALTHY VENTING and letting go of anxiety as I process this current challenge. Cause I like to write and it is outlandishly sloppy and raw and unedited and self-serving therapy for me and I can't imagine anyone would read this long when its stream of consciousness BABBLE.
Yes I babble
I should rename this journal to Babbling Brook (Unless someone already has taken that! HA)
Villakulla is outdated. That was a good name 20 yrs ago when kids were small and I thought we were living in the idyllic farm.
Then Wuthering Heights years came...
but now...
Babbling Brook seems appropriate.

Yes I babble as this serves me in some way.

Occasionally I release in other ways. A poem. A song sung in head during a walk scrawled on paper.

But I felt really CALLED OUT by a recent tweet of Anais Mitchell

She said something like "journaling is the basic starting point"

I have to look it up to recall her language; but it was dissing of journaling I felt
like it is only the BEGINNING
and the requisite for an artist
but the least of all forms
is what I read.
The nascent START.

I did not get the sense of her writing meaning it essential
Maybe it did not have a negative and I projected it...

But I felt called out
Like I need to STOP journaling and get over the block, the fear to create in other forms.
This is the security blanket, the distraction, the balm and the dopamine hit for me just like my kid playing video games being avoidant.
This journaling is at some level my PROCRASTINATION
My avoidance of creating in tangible ways more productively.
I need to step into DOING
and not just think about creative ideas.
I need to DO THE WORK
and not AVOID the work.

I can't draw or paint at least I think I can't , I haven't tried in a while although after seeing an amazing OWL a couple weeks ago tried to sketch it to then paint it. The sketch was so disappointingly bad I did not yet finish, But I will.

I have ideas and start but don't follow through.
So I am setting intention TO FOLLOW through and commit to and complete one project at a time.

Work shit is easy to do when for someone else!

This is the shift I have been trying to achieve. Motivation to work FOR ME to serve the intersts of those thing I find valuable

Not just the almighty dollar.
To have balance in life to provide for family in this safe home
but also find time to use energy to create things that offer delight in the process as well as tangible expression of self and might touch others at some point at some level.

To create art.
To be creative in my work
To have every aspect of life infused with creative positive energy

That is the vision
So I want to in tandem YES build my business so I have valuable PAID work
but also invest time in my other creative talents.

And it can't be just rambling in this journal. I have to move into confidence of trying to create more stories. Yes they will be bad at first! Upon reread I heavily edited the last written. It was rather AWFUL once reread after stepping away from the moment of inspiration.
But I was in such FLOW and so HAPPY immersed in that work of crafting that story that day.

It just feeds the soul in a different way when one puts that energy into a creation.

I also get in flow when doing work on a contract for SOMEONE ELSE'S business ventures.
But it is not feeding my soul.
It is providing actual food and housing.

SO I do need both,
(Way too late in life I think for my creative pursuits to feed me any time soon! MAYBE if I kept at it for the next 20 years and keep taking classes and learning and practicing HA HA Can be a break out artist and get paid a tiny pittance at age 70! HA HA That is realistic)

But no I will never make MONEY creating.

Art never will either despite his talent and efforts cause he GAVE UP and he turns down work and he thinks he is too good for the local community
and he overvalues himself in an unrealistic grandious manner.

He refuses to be undervalued but he will never grow in value if he is not doing the work regardless of pay.
I can't do that for contract management work

I don't get fed spiritually for it for me to be moved with passion to do that work. So that feels like only worth it IF PAID WELL as then it is a concrete trade off of my time.

Honestly I would RATHER have a low wage job I enjoy more than work as a contract manager for less that the value of my years experience and education because I don't really I suppose WANT to do that but HAVE to
so will get the best rate per hour so that I don;t HAVE to do it full time and have time for being home helping these young adults launch into life and doing other things

Even if it means today just vacuuming my flooded basement area.
HA

Happy to be honest not working in an office when this happened.

The fan should be dry by now. So going to put it back together and take it downstairs and run the vacuum again to dry that rug. I took the screws out and took the fan apart to clean every nook! I ran parts that could under water. Glad I did as am NOT going to let any buggers migrate to the basement!!

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