2022-11-12 - 6:08 p.m.

Well, One advantage of a job loss and finances being tight is paying more attention to credit card expenses.

I used to think "Who are the idiots who lose track of automatic renewal subscriptions as did not pay attention and signed up for them not realizing it in the first place?"

HA HA

Yeah I judged it as just so dumb, but I would be SMARTER than that and never fall for those marketing scams.

I to be honest did not really judge the AVG consumer as dumb but rather just thought I was smarter.

And thought I was savvy as knew the EVIL of companies.

I think that is the WORST business model to count on growth of business.

I also think the whole idea a business has to INCREASE market share and have more and more customers and increase valuation based on stock valuation HAVING to go up is the biggest scam of ALL which encourages all sorts of unethical practices.

I mean think about it:

Once a company goes public there is no satisfaction of its equity shareholders if it remains THE SAME with its valuation and profit.

HELL NO
they can't just CONTINUE To do a good job with the same # OF customers and profits.
NO- that would not make the investors happy.

It a artificial metric of what success is for a company.

NOT based on what I think are the REAL measures:
Is the quality good ?
Products and services with integrity and loyalty?
Will the customer base remain STABLE?

I don't think it should have to grow.

To increase profitability if the customer base is static the only way to then increase profits is to reduce operations and production costs. So that means doing more for less.
Which means tax your resources and lower morale...or decrese quality by cheaper less well made supplies for manufacturing products
etc...

So basically, I think of this tonight
why?
I have no idea now...
I swear the short term memory issue is concerning.

Like what the fuck was I writing about that prompted that train of thought? Its like when you walk into a room and forget what brought you there just minutes before...

I am going to scroll up to see where this writing started.

AH... OK So I started to write after getting another email from MasterClass

And I recall that two years ago I signed up. I took a short story writing course from Joyce Carol Oates
and really did learn a couple good tips
but most of all my take away was

Stop reading Joyce Carol Oates.

I don't like her work.

Plain and simple.
I can RESPECT her
but I find her work at this point in my life to be ALL so focused on her own recovery from trauma

so focused on encapsulating trauma
and the affects of trauma
in her deconstruction to understand it

IN HER THERAPY process that she undergoes as she HAS TO WRITE
it is NECESSARY for her to be whole

to find her work just Very depressing to me.

I had stared the course and then ordered some novels and really hated them. Maybe that was even EARLIER than two years ago?? IDK

Main point, however long ago it was.
I recall mentioning the Master Class to the guy was dating then ( at beginning of COVID- must have been that year; so that was more than a year ago, right? DAMN ...)

and I didn't know the guy that long. And he was not a committed boyfriend but it was early in our casual, and I mean REALLY casual dating....
I recall this was actually said THE FIRST TIME I was at his place..
mentioning Master Class he ASKED me if he could use my log in to take a class.

And I was highly uncomfortable with the question that I felt was really inappropriate for the relationship
and said "No" really directly
but wondered "Is this guy for real? Is he one of those USERS who is cheap and wants to take advantage of other people? I mean why the hell would I want to give him access to my account of that which I bought for myself? What weird sense of entitlement for him to even ask.
How unethical... to use another's accout and just think that is OK"

And for me , I suppose as I signed up to take WRITING classes, the account feels VERY PERSONAL.

But also I have that law degree thing going on and YES I take liscensing agreements more serious I suppose than
non lawyers.
It is a thing

I recall thinking my EX Husband was an ASSHOLE when he was happy to copy songs onto a tape to woo me with but then TOSSED a mixed tape one of my brothers sent of music to my son calling it against the law and a copywrite violation

I mean I don't go that far. ...

and that reaction I had to the ask was just the FIRST thought

Really worry he was a user....
cause I didn't KNOW him that well

It would have made TOTAL sense to me if we were in a serious boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse or family members.

If that makes sense....
I mean sure get netflix and share. Hell I don't even care when share with besties

It think that is EXPECTED.

But Masterclass? I mean its $180 a yr for the INDIVIDUAL
you can't have more than one log in.

HELL NO I am not limitiing my use by letting someone else use it.
That is what I told him

NO you can't do that with this. I mean how can I log in for a class if he were to be logged in.

HELL NO
I was not going to share MY TOOL for MY WRITING that I was excited to have bought and was using.

SO anyway...

When I saw the email "your renewal charge was declined by your credit card"

I kinda felt BADLY And thought maybe I had been being cheap and should have just freely been willing to share and say "Sure go ahead take a class"

cause then at least PERHAPS in the last year the subscription I FORGOT ABOUT
would not have been wasted money on the
yes-
you got it
the renewal I FORGOT ABOUT that happened LAST YEAR

and perhaps it was also the same the year before???

So that bargain of a class
Short story writing with Carol Oates

which honestly I felt like paying $180 for the ONE class with a master like her is worth it .(YES I DID LEARN SOME GREAT TIPS. YES I wrote a bit after it)
ended up costing me AT LEAST twice if not three times that amount.

HA HA

It felt like KARMA for my selfish and judgemental "NO" to the man who a couple years later I am still dating.

But then again, maybe not. I may have read him correctly all along.

When saw some Instagram by some relationship guru on whether you are dating a user...
well I felt called out....

This guy is in it for him.

He is not in it for me

or cause he really gives a hoot about me as far as I get.

Its very clearly self serving.

BUT I still say yes to invites as enjoy when I spend time with him.

I REALLY Enjoyed the last time I saw him ( last Sat) , heading to his place and then practicing guitar together along with Chordify.
It was so much fun

BUT there were a few things that really struck me:

HE PICKED ALL THE SONGS

when I picked a song he was not interested in playing that one.

It was REALLY obvious to me that he was controlling about how we were doing the activity together in the sense that he did not modify the way he does it for himself by himself. He was interested in picking songs he knows to play

reasonable

BUT he was not really interested in considering trying a song I suggested even if he knew it.

It was fascinating to me as when I suggested one and then looked for one that was when he stopped playing.

I just observe these things as they happen.

He also is CLEARLY not that into me as evidenced by his travels on long weekends where he is going to meet friends and obviously meeting up with women for a date to see if they click, He is still on the prowl hunting for "The one" as if there is such a person as the one and only true love who he will meet and with whom all things will align for great sex, great conversation and suddenly his fear of attachment and self absorption with disappear so he can have a really deep soulful connection in a life partner.

YUP
He is looking for the fantasy

OR he is just looking to get laid and find as many gratifying sexual experiences along the path of life as having fun.

So why do I date him?
HELL why not? Since he is sexually very suavy- meaning protection is not shunned, and he knows how to do more than the old fashioned fellows who are actually what I would consider sexually ILLITERATE
I mean no undersanding of the fullness of how creative and wonderful an actual DECENT lover is

Life is too short for bad sex.

So yeah

I really DO enjoy his company and am happy with the realtionship for what it is.

It is weirdly , well maybe not weidly

MAYBE expected that when someone is not that into me I find it harder to really be attached to them.

I mean it is the fact of his dating so many others I mean the serial dating, not quite speed dating... somewhere in between. It's to me like it feeds his ego if a woman is into him BUT THEN he doesn't feel comfortable that he is not into her
and for some reason I think he keeps persuing women who ARE NOT interested in him Cause he wants THEIR affection and attention to feel validated.

Its weird to me.
Like he is struggling with his own issues of lack of self esteem or lack of confidence and sets himself up for failure.

But whatever...
It is what it is; and I DO enjoy the time with him.

IT IS always nice.

I just have the emotional block which for me is of course ALSO self protectionist as he is non committal so the last thing I would do is want to actually fall for him deeply.

NOOOO
I am not going to set myself up for heartache.

So its fun for what it is.

Its just a bit weird to go see my lover and hear about his dates with others ! HA I do love that he is honest and discussed them with me...

and I don't know
for some reason it was never WEIRD in the past with other lovers who I KNEW LOVED ME.

It is weird that he DOES NOT LOVE Me.
That is what makes it weird.

The simple fact is that I am USED to a guy actually being in love with me AT SOME LEVEL.

This is just different as this guy is so non attached.

I just hope it doesn't hurt my capacity to REALLY Attach in a more committed relationship in life at some point.

I mean I defintately have deeper empotional attachment to my Buffalo guy over years of that relationshio so I shouldn't worry.

I don't know what it is
but maybe just the comfort of KNOWING when you really love each other makes all the difference.
I mean just knowing that my Buffalo guy still will say every time we talk 'Come move here"

EVEN though I don't WANT to do that...
and even though he never was considering coming down here...
just the fact of the DESIRE that if I would he would want me to be in his world more.

Whereas this guy doesn't have that ache..
I had that ache that I wished my Buffalo guy did not drink; wished he did not smoke; etc...

the OH I WISH.....

But he is who he is...so that was not happening for me.

The next travel I want to do is to go visit my DAD and my brothers who live near/with him. One lives with him, the other a couple hrs away in Fl.
The storm hit where they live directly but they are all Ok. Although I have to call my other brother ( I have three living in FL now), who was taking care of the one brother's second house on a beach.... to see how that fared as that beach was hit hard.
SEE even my family don't talk that often! HA The last hurricaine -IANI called to touch base with them all. With Nicole I got a text from one bro that all are OK.
But I didn't call them yet.

Thatis typical of my family, I went off to college and it took about three weeks before I called home to check in and give the update on how it was going.
I don't hear from my college students but for when arranging for breaks.
I mean it is just how we are...
and none of us think anything of this.

But when dating I realize it may be the set up for the user... cause I don't like anyone who is calling me every freaking day truth be told
I mean I need to focus when working and find it distracting and prefer to connect at the END of the day. OMG those follks that text all the time?? HELL NO
that would drive me up the wall
I think it creates undue stress I would rather live without

I hate being tethered to a phone

BUT these are all really interesting behavioral aspects of personality and communication style that I find interesting cause at the same time I think my style makes me a possible target for being taken advantage of.

I suppose I don't care as I don't get that attached myself... HA HA

But it has occurred to me... when I see someone texting when they acted like they are not into that mode of communication either ..( the guy dating)... that I realized he was kinda full of shit in echoing back to me what is normative and comfortable TO ME

I don't like that chameleon behavior in a person.
It concerns me
I would rather hear that he loves to text (and observe him do it)
than hear him say he doesn't text often
and then observe that (at least by my measure) he DOES have some folks he regularly is texting all the time. ( which is fine and good and NORMAL I know I am the anomaly socially) the point here being
I hope he has not SAID what he thinks I want to hear
and hope he is not one of those people who morphs himself into what/who he THINKS others want him to be.

That is my worry.
Whatever...
I am dating a guy I see every other weekend who plans dates on the off weekend with others. Ce la vie...

Its just a bit odd on the "off" weekend if I am off work and its a weekend of one of his travel excursions.
My ego is not really hurt by this
but it is just a bit odd his interest in finding someone new. Or constant obsession he has with trying to see if one of his old female friends might be interested in more. There is this pattern I see of him having crushes on old friends and then wanting to see if there could be more. The thing about him is that he had that interest in quite a FEW of his old friends from various times in life. It seems odd to be connecting with those from the past so often and wondering if they might have interest in more. Its again a trait narcissists have- where the obsess about PAST relatiosnhips and are not fully present in the PRESENT ones. It seems to me that it is about ego needs- the ego need to be validated and inability to accept that a woman might not find him attractive.
Yeah just get some narcissist vibes from this guy at times. I mean based on some of the behaviors, and stuck in past, seeking the secualization of his friendships with women- I mean like he wants women to WANT HIM. Not really cause he is into them ( cause the ones that DO are then of couse never of interest to him) but because his ego can't handle if a woman doesn't want him.
I suppose it is the insecurity of the man which has made him invest in learning to be a good lover. HA HA

I just would like to meet just one guy who does not have issues of needing to inflate his ego with sexual relationships!

I mean that is the SAME kind of low self esteem behavior Dr. Faucii exhibited.

The difference is this guy is not a liar (as far as I know); at least not with me that is. I just hope that is an accurate statement...
of course I would not know if it were not.

What the hell.

Dating can be complicated. For me at least I try to keep it pretty simple
I am non attached

truly
so I shouldn't judge his non attachment as well
HA HA

We are probably both just too much alike! HA HA maybe both of us have too much of an ego-
both the fragile ego that needs such assurance and validation in order to be able to trust and let self be vulnerable to fall in love
AND
pride
as won't be even open to the possibility UNLESS won't possibly be hurt! HA HA
IF that is the case we are well matched in the sense of BEING SIMILAR- SO VERY Similar to each other!
And this relationship will go NOWHERE.
Because
Neither of us will allow the emotional vulnerability.

OR
as suspected
...we are just not that into each other.
HA HA

It could be as simple as that.

It is what it is.

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