2022-11-21 - 1:53 p.m.

Reading an ebook that seemed a worthy investment at $19 as it is written by a psychologist with 20+ years with high functioning autism ( formerly called Asperger's- a term that many autistic's find highly offensive and ask just STOP using-
cause that was named after a German Dr. who identified the condition and then set out to KILL those with it-as well as other disabled
In the well known documented Nazi Genocide-
which really historically started with wanting to eliminate
AUTISIC PERSONS
and TRANS PERSONS

as it was well documented way back then
that among the autistic population there was not conventions with gender norms
there was a high instance of trans people
who did not identify with sex at birth and found gender non conforming
either non binary
or identified with the other gender

There is something about the unique brain of an autistic person less influenced by social conditioning

Social mores are not only hard to undertand but hard to live by when they are not understood.

It is sad to me that my autistic kid said they don't feel any great love and attachment to me; but rather HATE ME.

Yup

That was what I was told today.

Based on the view that I was abusive because as a small child I restrained my kid.

TRUE

when the kid would try to run off- and we were in public places, like theme parks or at a school ( we walked to see a play once, ANNIE that the middle school was putting on- and it was SOLD OUT and we were not allowed in. My child had a meltdown. CHANGE Of plans do not go well for autistic kids.
But what could I have done differently when my then 4th or 5th grader? Age 8 r 9 - was going to run off?
I mean just let a kid that age run off in a neighborhood which is a mile and a half walk from home?

I did not have a car at the time. If I recall correctly it was a Sunday matinee we intended to go to. We had gone to church in the AM and I believe got a ride home OR Dad had dropped the kids off- I forget which. All I know is we made the 1.5 mile walk there and were going to sit for a couple hours watching a Sunday matinee and then walk home together. The kids were all EXCITED to go see the play. We had watched the movie so it was familiar to them.

BUT - of course there was a kink-
and it was sold out. I did not then realized that the school middle school play was actually a big deal. I had no idea we should have bought tix ahead of time.

SO this kid is not forgiving of my failings and just demonizes me as a parent.

When I ask "Why do you hate me? Hate is a really strong word"
They said
"Take a look at your parenting"

Sure my parenting was imperfect.
But that is such an unforgiving response.

I take it that this kid is upset and once processes this, and over time lets me hear of all the times I have wounded them that perhaps they can learn to forgive me.

Of course they need me to meaningfully apologize I am sure for them to be able to forgive me.

And I can meaningfully and sincerely say I am sorry if I unknowingly wounded my child.

Its hard to hear the wounding. YES autistic individuals do have deeper wounding I think than other kids-

so it is not that they are not feeling. They are in fact deeply feeling. DEEPLY sensitive and have also been subjected to bullying.
HECK at least when I was bullied as a kid I was completely oblivious to it.

Every kid is different. I suppose my ADHD being unaware was a protection for me. I knew I wasn't socially fitting in but did not much care and the good news was I also did not realize when anyone lied to me and was being mean to be.

I think the bullying this kid experiences was more overt, or the kid more aware of it and therefore more deeply wounded.

I understand that I am responsible for some of that wounding and pain. But I don't believe for a second any action I took was abusive to my child.
That goes too far in condemning me.
That does not give me credit for what I did which WAS right.

I mean what choice did I have in the moment?

SURE a better parent one NOT on the spectrum themself would have caught onto all the social cues and known to buy tix ahead of time ( as on example). A better mom would have been at the PTA meetings and in touch-
to avoid the situation that causes meltdowns
but I was a single working mom with kids that had meltdowns and one who got aggressive and oppositional in fighting any boundaries and freaked the hell out of the other parents.

And I had free range kids who were growing up on a farm with LOTS of space who then moved to the suburbs with me and did not understand safety issues. They did not understand boundaries of space and I had to teach them very quickly!

Heck I recall taking the kids to a birthday party and one of my lovelies being aggressive with their younger sibling over a swing. For goodness sake I had to get the one in line and be sure the younger one was not hit by the older one. Then the older one did not want to LEAVE when it was time to go, but we had to go because the older kid could not self regulate. Clearly there was no other option as that older kid was out of control- and there were no other parents offering any assistance. They all just got their kids out of the way and safely inside.
I told the kids we had to leave now- and got them in the car. We did not get far when I think the older one hit the younger one.
I made the older one who was not able to control self WALK.
YUP that kid was taken by me out of the car and told to walk until ready to behave; that behavior is NOT acceptable and to be given a ride one must behave.
As that child walked I drove slowly with the kid trailing behind for a bit ( this was a country road out in the middle of nowhere thankfully so I could do this!). After a bit of walking that kid controlled self and I did let the child back in the car.

The younger one was not hit by the older again on that ride home.

BUT
That was THE LAST event these kids were ever invited to.

The other parents judged.

And I could not win

Some judged I was too harsh
some judged I had no control over my kids.

Whatever
I could not worry about their judgement. I had to teach my children boundaries that in MY HOME we DO NOT HIT EACH OTHER
and WE DO NOT SCREAM AT EACH OTHER

and you know I thought I did a decent job considering that was a norm they were all exposed to from their Dad and his very loud and very physical Italian family who parented quite differently from my parents and most....

I mean most are not as volatile as they are/were,

*I have to say I think my ex's sister and her hubby are doing great as parents as I think somehow she managed to get the RIGHT balance.

Now of course each child was different and posed different challenges.

SHE is not autistic.

HER BROTHER IS

So who knows what he experienced. I think his parents did not have any understanding how to control HIS willful behavior other than how they managed him

That is the problem

When the lack of emotional control of a child leads to parents not having emotional control in HANDLING the child Violence becomes the norm.

One thing my kid said to me- is that I do not express emotion.

It was an interesting accusation as I don't think that is true, I am just not violent and reactive in the deeply passionate way the Italian family is. I think my more subdued expression is healthier.

It is just interesting cause the kid said something like I don't express emotion then took it out on the kids!

WHAT?

PROJECTION

So weird

I know this happens. But it is just strange as one thing I never felt was ANGER at the little kids.

In a weird way my LACK of emotional response and going through the motions while trying to calm down my kid in a way is what I think leads my kid to thing I am emotionally FLAT/

Because I am not very emotionally reactive when a moment of crisis hits- I respond super rationally.( maybe it is not rational? Meaning all reason and not emotion IN THE MOMENT!)
BUT THAT is in fact due to 10 years of TRAINING in working with autistic individuals!

AND I take the time to process the emotion later.
I don't let it bottle up

I WRITE
HERE
I cRY
Here in my quiet space of my room where I sit and process

and I COMMUNICATE

I did talk to the kid
I did listen

I felt listening was most important. My kid needs to be HEARD.
Their wounding needs to be healed.

Maybe I am not the one to heal it?
Maybe I am
but if so- only when they are ready to let ME IN.

I can't force that.

and now this kid wants space from me, for sure. The kid might cut me off- so they say.

That is their prerogative. But it would make me sad. I would not pretend otherwise.

It hurts to have one you love say "I hate you"

Even when it is adolescent brain

Brain on hormones ...etc..

I know this is developmentally kinda normal to have moments like this during adolescence.
It too shall pass.

I recall my oldest telling me how much she HATED her grandmom.

Whom it is clear, now, that she loved deeply.

I mean you get trained to be REALLY CALM in the face of outbursts and even sometimes violence.

Weirdly calm. ( TRUE It is not always healthy! I mean to not be at all in fright mode admit violence but to be in shut off emotion and act mode."

All reason and reaction to help be calm by being NON REACTIVE.

BUT I think non reactive in relation to ones own children, one's own spouse

IS COLD.

They want reaction!
They want emotion

and truth be told I don't express much more than matter of fact

'Please don't talk to m that way"

Or
" I am sorry you hate me. Tell me what I did to make you hate me"

and then listen and process.
and can say
"I am sorry you felt so wounded and believe I was abusive, I think I did what I needed to do to keep you , at the time a SMALL CHILD safe. Listen to what you said- 'remember the time in the parking lot" IT WAS A PARKING LOT How could I let a small kid run in a parking lot and ensure safety? "

IT was one of those Damned if you do and Damned if you don't moments.

I can say I am sorry for your pain

But sorry, this is not a situation in which I can say I am sorry I CAUSED you pain.

Cause honestly there is alot of projection going on.

I am just willing to ride it out. And sure I can take accountability

I can say
I am sorry for not being a perfect parent.
Sorry for being ADHD (and possibly on the autism spectrum myself? IT is a strong possibility)
and sorry for the times we were late cause I Caused you stress ( but the thing is most often lateness was due to a kid's meltdown) or I made you walk and overdid it so you HAD a meltdown.
I can say that-
and have said that

SURE said that in the moments when it happened. That is the thing- that was not heard or recalled. The self accountability.

But sorry I tried to socialize you and take out into the world? Tried to get you to school on time and socially dressed appropriately ? Sorry I tried to teach socially normative behavior and skills of self control and did not let you run wild wherever you wanted?
HELL NO
I have no apology for reigning you in. For insisting that you calm the fuck down
NO apology for holding you to prevent you running
You talk of abuse cause you are tactically defensive and I TOUCHED YOU

Sorry I will not apologize for having used the LEAST RESTRICTIVE MEANS NECESSARY TO help you calm down and regain your self control, and as a small kid help you to LEARN control- but when you did not have it and it was NECESSARY I controlled you.

So sure- I won't make you walt to go to an event that far again. It was a bad idea and did not work. ( No, we did not every try that again!)

SO here you go , ya'll

Parents with autistic high functioning teens.

Maybe this will be helpful to you too? I watched one short clip from a seminar on how to help autistic young adults launch into independence.

It had three questions for parents- I forget all three-- but the way to handle your kid is different based on YOU the PARENT'S BOUNDARIES basically.
1.
2. Are you willing to let your autistic kid live with you ?
3. Is your CHILD infringing on your boundaries?

BOOM YES That is the heart of the matter.

And I heard something else recently-
Don't let the family member with the LOWEST Emotional IQ run the family! IN other words SET YOUR OWN boundaries and expectations as a parent and push through the discomfort of HOLDING EVERYONE TO THEM.

YES
So here is the resource:
https://www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/03/teens-on-autism-spectrum-who-hate-life.html

�

�