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2022-11-28 - 11:39 a.m.

I just applied for another contract specialst role. The problem is they are seeking an active security clearance.

Truth is the companies hiring can put whomever they want in the role through the clearance process. Whatever gov entity is being supported PAYS for the clearance of personnel access their info so the cost is not even borne by the private companies.

Its a matter of efficiency that they would prefer to hire a cleared person

But I WOULD Get cleared for sure.
*I mean really, the most riske thing I do in life is keeping this journal!

and I don't discuss any particulars

Nothing confidential

Hell I also have no freaking memory for certain things.

I periodically have to go to the sites of the companies I have supported to refresh my memory of the PARTICULAR awarded gov contracts they had that I worked on either the proposal and win or or the ongoing maintenance of...

and go
OH yeah... Now I recall what that was called.

The weird thing is I remember with clarity some of the DETAILS , the particular ISSUES raised.

But I think in the big picure generalities and need to refresh memory with looking at reminders to get the particulars of what the fuck things are CALLED.

Its frustrating.

I realized the last interview I blew ( I mean it was over in less than 10 min. The lady had 30 yrs experience and looked at my experience and was immediately like NAH-- thinking I did not have enough).. . I blew as I did not go in with the bullet list elevator pitch of accomplishments of what worked on.
I instead answered too generally and not with specific SKILLS and accomplishments TASK oriented.
She was task oriented.
I used the people oriented build relationship approach
and it fell fucking flat immediately.
Read her wrong and really its all the first 2 minute impression.

I should have echoed her style. She gave me her intro in 30 sec ( said little other than 30 years experience. That should have been enough of a hint)
Whatever it would perhaps have been a BAD FIT.

But the challenge I have with my work is how to give the 5 min elevator speech with my work?
But how the fuck do you DO THAT when NDAs and Confidentiality are so essential?

I mean in particular in interviews. Hell a competitor could be wanting intel. They could be interviewing me to find out what piece of the pie the companies I support are in...

Nah... I don't give deets

So its that freaking hard balance

How do I give my detailed EXPERIENCE while only talking in generalities?

Its tough for me. Cause the only details I know with sharp clarity are the actual LEGAL ISSUES

and of course I am not a lawyer.

so I can only give "business advice"

I am in this grey area of not being able to give legal advise but my added value is "legal insight" from my carved out training

and fuck

the issues I help most with are fucking sensitive

So the things I recall with detail as ISSUES I can't discuss

but then the freaking sound bites-

like value of contract , what space it was in

All the crap I don't honestly give a shit about

are sometimes what SOME want to hear about.

Truth is I don't give a crap. I don't much fucking care if a contract I worked on was a $25 million dollar valued one or a $5 K services contract for one engineer to come in and consult for a few hrs here or there..

Its the same work to me. I have to review the same provisions. Only difference is RISK and whether worth your ROI as a company to pay me for my insight. OR just don't worry and sign your damn contract as is your case not much to lose...

I know this is boring. But I am tired.

Getting tired of job hunting.
And tired of the VEC still fucking around.

So today I job hunted and am not going to head over to the VEC. Cause when tired I fucking push through and still ACT
I think Winchester office lunch break at noon? and they open at 1?
Cause last week did not get anywhere when tried to navigate their phone system.
If wrong it is nice out and I will nap in car or take a walk til office opens at 1pm. Either works. I am tired as drove back and forth to bring senior college student back after the Thanksgiving break yesterday.

The retirement community posted a full time receptionist role- flexible during the week and must work every other weekend.
That must be complementary to my role. I figure I should apply.

But then figured throw in applications for jobs in my field again... Keep trying for that professional job.

But yeah- I suppose I should also call my boss and the retirement community and tell her I saw the posting. Sure I will take a pay raise and full time hours with benefits if she will onboard me full time. (She did ask months ago and I said NO as had to try to land clients and/or full time work in my field first)
But at this point-
hell will take it if she will give it to me.

will call her
THEN drive to the VEC office to try to sort that crap out yet again.

They are such a PIA.

Other to do today or tomorrow is send create invoice to be ready to send to the one client I did the few hours of work for this month in early NOV.

Was just disappointed it was not for more hours. Hoped they would have sent more than one job of one contract to review.

CEO said he liked my comments.

The Business dev guy commented "This got complicated this time. Not sure why"


It was the obvious statement I made it complicated.
That is the problem with my work-

Some get it that the issues ALREADY ARE complicated and your ignoring them to keep things simple is by design
and YES at times truly the way to go to move business forward

BUT if you hire someone to review and call out the issues that exist

The review is not MAKING things more complicated by telling you what they see.

Not its cause there is alot of specialized experience and training and my eye is different

Some consider it valuable insight or foresight to see what problems to AVOID down the road.

Good to see what might be an issue.
And avoid it

Others love to shoot the messenger.

So that email from the BD guy was not a great sign.

I also think in that job I made a mistake. I not only returned the deliverable of the contract with my review but ALSO an email of recommended talking points and the strongest negotiation positions/tactics recommended to reduce risk.

NEXT TIME I won't include that email.

Honestly it is fucking game.

That perhaps was too much and possibly

1. turned off the lead managing the negotiation ( but you know I am trying to help them be in the strongest position for success down the road!)

2. Reduced ongoing value
as they don't need to hire me again as I gave them such bang for the buck-
and YES had added value

But my job /value is done.

I just hate sales. A college friend works in small business development. He provides classes and coaching and is one of my college buddies that on Friday nights throughout the pandemic meet over drinks on zoom. (I pull out a Kombucha once in a while HA Or a cup of tea most often.) He was giving advice in how it works best-

Don't give away all your added value up front.

I hate being strategic ( manipulative!) like that ...

I suck at it.
I am just straightforward.


so hope at least have provided value, and it is appreciated and I get referrals.

Maybe I am also overthinking it and I did a great job ( valued by the CEO) and he knows this "growth" is going to a bit uncomfortable for his BD * oh business development guy and that is quite ok with him
and he just did not yet NEED more help yet but WILL Send more work my way.

I hope...

I am just nervous likely because I don't have work coming in

and Business Development itself Is an ART I know I am not particularly gifted in. I want to land just ONE VIABLE GOOD ONGOING CLIENT and then HIRE the smoozer to do that work.


that is my vision.

Then land jobs for all the good folks I know.

I know some super talented folks like me looking for work.

The commonality is that we are ALL over age 50.

Agisim is a real issue peeps.
And we all have families to support.
Some with YOUNGER kids than me- at least mine are on the CUSP of sufficiency.

SO yeah

Back to priority of this week:

1. PARENTNG give kids a kick in the ass that is effective ( I think time to try another tactic. Patient support and lovingly waiting for them to get shit together not working. NEED To kick up my skills and do something DIFFERENT)
I have a plan. Will write of it after executed.
I consulted some expereienced and got some consistent advicse so have to just suck it up and follow through and DO IT. * I think have a good action plan

to get my KIDS to develop action plans
* A couple TO DOs I need to see my kids here do- as they are not yet working or in school and approaching 6 mos since High School graduation. They need to have jobs or be in a class by January! SIMPLE SOMETHING has to happen for them to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and DO SOMETHING By then.

2. Job hunting ( a bit done this AM)

3. VEC nonsense ( may as well show up and try again as it will help if goes through)

4.Schedule medical appointments. ( mine/kids)

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