Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2022-12-03 - 3:16 a.m.

What keeps you up at night?

I hate that question.

I am happy I don't often have insomnia

For me

MY young adult children. Because they are nocturnal and sometimes I wake when they are up at 1:30 AM gaming together.

So hearing their voices tonight LITERALLY WOKE ME UP

AND That fucking worries me obviously-
Because while great they spend time gaming or hanging together and are friends- they are not job hunting or applying to colleges in earnest. And fucking waiting til NEXT SEPT when they need to do SOMETHING this year is not acceptable to me. I am losing my patience and thought by now on their own they would have found jobs.


and that is the part that is making me crazy- keeping me up at night.

The question "What is WRONG with this kid?"
I mean there is obviously something wrong when someone doesn't follow through on something they say they wanted to do

Either they never wanted to do it
OR There is a block- a challenge to be overcome

and I can't figure out if it is the 2nd how to help this kid through the challenge.


I feel like setting an example doesn't cut it.
I don't get it

BOTH Their parents have those traits of always working hard and working through challenges.

So what keeps me up at night is not knowing how to best help these two young adults who are clearly STUCK IN A RUT

One applied to ONE college only.
I don't fucking get it
Deadlines are NOV And DEC for many colleges.

So they both missed deadlines LAST YEAR

Not more than one fucking college applied to?

For your own FUTURE to not have ambition of considering possibiliteis?

I mean the one has a plan and that is great- that there is any plan at all- but it is not a very practical one as on the West coast. I mean no safety net of support there - so I don't quite understand resistance of accepting offer of common sense considering help from family and friends who ARE willing to help closer to home. I am happy the kid has a goal and wants to go to a particular school but it's so far that it is impractical. I don't have money now for plane tickets even to go back and forth to West Coast for the kid. If I land a job making great money again that would be fabulous but the kid is utterly opposed to having a back up plan in event they can't figure out how to make that one work.
I mean this kid found another engineering program interested in in one particular place that there is a network of my family and friends they mentioned last year but said they are not aoplying. . That was not my idea- they asked about a college that happens to be in a place I have fam/friends...
but there seems such resistance to have any dependencies on anyone parental....teenage brain still ..... wanting to be on own....
but teenage brain making decisions based on teenage relationships/friends/etc...
rather that common sense plans is a bad idea;
so I am baffled that now the kid says NOT interested in the one college they found that was actually a great idea to try for ( although might be hard to get into- could that be it?) where there are supports.

The college they have chosen is because it is easy to get into and cause there is a friend talking of going there too.

BOTH the easy route in the mind of the young adult...cause less anxiety in THEIR MIND
if they have a friend
and not the stress of actual effort and work for something with possibility of failure. I get it! College is less scary if you know you can get a room with a friend you know already! But I see a decision to apply to a college cause one friend you know is talking of going there possibility as the easy decision rooted in fear of following one's own path and putting a relationship over personal goals.

FEAR Of failure shit is real

I hate watching folks not follow through on real dreams/goals/ideas they had set for self cause it is NOT A SURE THING
and cause it takes WORK

To me it is a cop out
to not try

SO That is what keeps me up at night. FEAR OF DECISIONS BRING MADE BASED ON FEAR/ Avoidance/ the wrong reasons someone will later regret.

When someone sets themself up for possible failure as the MOST LIKELY OUTCOME it maje me worry!!


to not be planning for OTHER POSSIBILIITES
other than the one option that is not practical and seems precarious
is the sure fire way to not then have possibility of success if want to go to college or move out of parents home in a year.
If the dream that is not at all practical does not miraculously happen..

I mean fuck
this kid has not been working and thinks can go move cross country
I have said "Pick a school in an eight hour drive as I can support that."

The thing is I can't get a kid to a west coast school. Not feasible. I can't afford that. I don't have ability to help with transportation even.

To consider moving cross country

you need either to know you are going to land a job fast
(HONESTLY My oldest child moved cross country and at that point I had no worries- cause that kid of mine always WORKED. I KNEW that kid - even with health issues which were actually as chronic, as disabling, yes as physically and mentally challenging as this other kid of mine-
I KNEW That older kid had a couple of traits which would help them succeed:


I mean those traits are essential.

I just worry
so yeah it keeps me up at night

when the kid who had not been able to get out of this house and work or go to classes at the local community college yet

who is not willing to walk to a bus stop for a part time job and acts like that is too physically demanding

talks of this plan to go to a college out west in a city there is no support system whatsoever.

But the kid can't even get there without money.

So not my problem
So not sure why I am up at night worrying about these two


The other too is not yet working and it is getting to my limit of patience in thinking they are going to figure it out on their own.

I feel like they need some external motivator as internal motivation has not been enough.

and ADDICTION To the gaming.

YES it is a very real addiction

The disassociation that is done by those handling PTSD.

The trauma was real.

My older kid basically thinks the younger ones need therapy.

The older ones ( OLDER THREE) have all gone through therapy.

My oldest tells me I need to lead by example.

This is what sucks.The fact I DID START Therapy but it was cost prohibitive for me until I get more work.

Freaking $115 a session WITH INSURANCE
and in the three sessions did not get any value out of it

For real

It was not clear to me whether the therapist was good or not. Have no clue as in three sessions barely started to develop repoire.

I think it was helpful in the sense I had someone to talk to-

maybe it was helpful in discussing the ART relationship and processing and maybe even in decisioning- YEAH

maybe that was helpful.

But regardless that is just not affordable.
I also talked to the youngest about therapy and she said NO outright.

Hell she was difficult getting out of bed for her immunology shot. She is getting tired of going to that once a week

I wanted her to treat everything PHYSICAL
and then common sense-
if you have treated all underlying physical conditions that affect how your body feels

treat your fucking mental health

can't deny there is not a mental health issue ALSO GOING ON
once you handle the other underlying physical issues.

* I am convinced they are connected.
FOR The one kid they are feeling mentally so much better because their physical issues are treated effectively. Their specialists tests showed marked improvement over the past (compared to a couple years ago.) Dysautonomia symptoms lessened and that kid is not depressed anymore. Seems to be positive about future ( even if impractical and fixed in thinking and not open to going for the more practical logistically yet also SCARY option of trying to apply to good schools and having a possible rejection...but I am not seeing the intense depression of past.)

OK Back to bed.
Think not deleting this entry....
I have written SO MANY ENTRIES ON this topic but then delete

Delete cause try to respect other people

So try really hard to write about ME and not about others

And true the kids have their own lives

BUt fuck they are my world

They might think it not my fucking business what they are doing with their lives. That is their stance

Essentially "Mom mind your own business."

Fucking childish response when they are living in this house which I am paying ALL EXPENSES For.

Nothing speaks of immaturity more than that teenage brain response! HA

OK going back to bed.

OH and funny I was awakened and figured do something productive before going back to sleep.

I was hoping to decorate the house tomorrow. I was irritated in a way the kid were up all fucking night ( OK They fell asleep maybe an hour or two ago? IDK AFTER I work)

But just aggravating that they of course will NOT be awake when I am in the DAY TIME- morning
when I have time this weekend.

And they will wake when I have to go to work.

So no chance of getting them on board and as a family all straightening the house and decorating it together.

Maybe next weekend.

But then again I am relunctant to go get a tree yet...
I want to pay the DEC bills first so stay in budget with what is left for Christmas.

I am not one to go into debt for Christmas! Some do that- nah... not me...
but that does not mean I won't get the house decorated and make it special as can do that without spending money we don't have! I can pull out all the decorations from the attic and make it festive.

SO thinking of what to do for Christmas gifts

AH that is what kept me up. I was literally in bed trying to fall back aleep

One kid , in asking about tomorrow and telling them I would have liked to have been able to decorate togther- did say has plans and is meeting friends.
As that kid was going to sleep it was funny we did something never do-
but think of the Waltons when they all call out

we were talking from our different bedrooms for a few moments

The heat works best in winter when all the upstairs bedroom doors are open just to have the air circulate ( as some rooms get too hot otherwise and other one too cold).

So the doors were open and as one kid was going to sleep and I was trying to I remembered that the kid's friend meeting tomorrow just HAPPENS to have a parent who was one of the adults that STARTED the makerspace in our area.

I have been asking the kid if interested in the classes there, encouraign the kid to go visit and check it out.

all I get in response

But I called out to the kid to ask the friend they see tomorrow if they know anything about it.

The kid said NO - not interested.


Can lead a camel to water but can't make em drink...

I have adult children
who want to be so independent ( stuck with teenage brain, emotionally immature, PTSD challenges- escaping into dopamine soothing of gaming while disassociating...)

and sure I suppose the answer is fucking obvious.

Ignore their biological ages and PARENT THEM

They need fucking parenting still.

They are not ready to be on their own.

And at this point the nurturing parenting of caring for while they have a safe space to heal
was done
and served some purpose

But now they need tough love.

So time to transaction and grow for all of us.

Which brings me back to Christmas.

Gifts are hard.

I mean my best idea is a bus route and the community college catalogue - Pick a class any class
as a gift you can enroll
or the info on Makerspace
or other resources /classes EXPERIENCES aligned with interests of each

But they have been so fucking RESISTANT to those ideas

I mean I really thought they would embrace them

I sure as hell am not buying games this year. I did that prior years. HELL NO

Not now.

I am ready to toss out the playstation.

So that rules out thinking of things like an Apple TV subscription

which if they had their shit together and had jobs-
even part time a couple days a week

And there are jobs a plenty within a 5 MINUTE WALK OUT OUR FRONT DOOR

I mean really- the grocery store is hiring. They have only TWO employees working in the bakery dept just now. The manager and one college student. She is working 48 hrs a week

No fucking excuse. But when I tell the kids they are like "I am not applying there- no way cause they will schedule me 40 plus hours too and I can't do that"
Go in and apply and set a clear boundary of what you can handle and stick to it. If you do that UPFRONT and get hired UNDER conditions- they are generally honored.

But grocery stores are notorious for not respecting individual workers having other lives and these kids are so resistant to being accountable (controlled ) to any workplace- beholden to any manager that they would rather NOT WORK
than humble themselves at all and be willing to do the time of just accepting orders of when to report to work?

I don't fucking get it
I understand chronic illness constraints
I get that
but it is not ablism to expect one to try to work and set the boundary strongly going into a job setting limits ( say I can only work Mon, Wed, Fri if think body meeds day of rest in between as a disabled person. Or I need to work a 4 hour shift five days for 20 hrs ...that is all I can handle)

Nor is it abelism to expect that YES Even a DISABLED PERSON can TRY TO WORK a 40 hr a week job.

This whole generation is being taught that it is abusive to have a job where you are EXPECTED to work 40 hrs.

It is abusive to have a job where you never get breaks and never can take a sick day and have to work MORE than 40 hrs without extra pay for you overtime

so the National Labor Relations Board put laws in to effect to protect workers from abuse

We have it pretty good overall after YEARS OF LABOR FIGHINTING FOR PROTECTIONS

SURE Some have been eroded

REASON for the possible Railroad strike

but I fucking studied labor law
and I am ENCOURAGED by the resurgence of labor reclaiming power and having conversations

and I
liberal on this issue

STILL CALLS BULLSHIT when young people are not willing to try to work full time


OK GOing back to sleep.

SAVING THIS HEAR as if these kids were functioning
and not sleeping inordinate hours each day and only gaming

I would then consider APPLE TV As Christmas Family gift

Hell no for now,The%20Apple%20TV%20app%20is%20already%20on%20Apple%20devices.,support%20the%20Apple%20TV%20app.

And I don't know if they would even like that-
or if it is really the gift I WANT at some point.

But not now.

I need to put a Christmas Tree up
and I need the outlet for the tree

and need to let the kids know ( if they are not reading this already which for all I fucking know they could ??)

I need to suck it up and stop be avoidant myself and just tell them that I want THEM


Just give it a try
Wake up and don't turn on the game

How will it make you feel?
after a week?
After two?
AFTER Three?

What shift happened?
What did you think about and do with your time?
IS there any difference in you mental and physical well being?

Did it affect you in ways you did not recognize or expect?
Either the habits had or the changing of routine?

Was the break positive for you?

I can't presume to assume necessarily so
HOWEVER can trust it is highly POSSIBLE There will be change and that it is more likely positive than negative.


But if so then there will be a need to address issues in other ways and maybe an openness to considering other possibilities
rather than that as the only coping mechanism

Cause that is not working well
as it is inhibiting growth

They might find something better.

I have had others tell me ACTION IS THE MOST HEALING

People don't heal when avoidant and not going anywhere or doing anything ( at least don't heal TRAUMA that way).

The system family therapist our family worked with in the past was of the believe healing happens IN RELATIONSHIPS

but someone recently reiterated it happens when ACTIVE
by what we DO in relationships

And ACTION is where the growth happens.


OH and as for Apple TV
I was thinking of the entertainment I want to watch and was thinking of a show my son's bestie is in. (Popular one that did get lots of positives and an award or two). I tonight remembered he himself will be in a show on Apple TV that will be shown in the next year. Filming done and its in production- editing etc... No date as to when will be shown but its something I would like to see. (Small supporting role.) When I remembered that gave me the answer as to WHICH service might be nice to have!
So adding it here to my bucket list.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

VEC communication done for today. De Ja Vu - 2022-12-06


It's already NOON? How the hell does that happen when I write?? (or do anything.) - 2022-12-06


Today was a Great Day for my Consulting Company! Just like that new client and work came in from the existing one. - 2022-12-05


Monday is technically my day off ( I did work the last few!) - 2022-12-05


Just a break while fixing the living room ceiling - 2022-12-03