2022-12-03 - 11:50 a.m.
It happened again.
The creating while dreaming.
I fell asleep after unloading my worries.
I woke in that half awake half dream like state- on cusp of awake but still in a dream almost.
The problem is my brain is almost like two working parts-
and has the THOUGHT
"I should wake up and try to capture this song. It s a whole freaking formed song I am singing in this dream. I just created that."
And then I NEVER fully awaken with lucid recall to be able to capture the dream.
and perplexing at the same time
All I remember was hearing this song
and critiquing the lyric as non sensical ! HA HA
Like "_____"nickname" _ Mama is singing to you..."
That was the actual one lyric I remember
singing in first person about self-
With my clear identiy in the song as my self and role of mama
Of course that is most clearly the strongest part of self calling to me to be most active in my life right now
I mean perhaps moreso than other times?
Which seems to me so very odd in a way.
AS I raised these kids in the *TECHNICAL* Sense thst thry are now out of high school and over age 18
yet all signs are that my mothering is needed and priority just now for the youngest.
quick writing break as I am in middle of putting back the patches of carved out 4X4 ceiling squares the young plumber who first came created when he was looking at my pipes.
Honestly he cut two more than necessary.
Those two are up
impatiently DONE but DONE
So I resorted to my hands as heck, this feels like clay.
The putty I have is thicker than optimal to fill the space - as used a tape to reinforce- that kind that looks like strapping tape for packages. (Hell for all I know it might BE strapping tape for packages. Swear one of those things that I think is the same damn product marketed multiple ways.)
I am getting this done.
But a bit cranky still.
It will be less depressing in my house once we don't have holes in the ceiling anymore and I give that a fresh coat of paint.
That will pick up the space much!
HOPEFULLY I can put on Christmas music and perhaps make some Christmas cookies and be happy and festive without
The one kid is so fucking negative and ruins everything.
Seems to be completely unaware of their absolute negative unpleasant energy and how it affects others.
No wonder the other is to also clearly depressed.
It takes such energy to fight that from become one's state when around it all the time. I mean have to conscientiously choose to remain positive somehow when around someone utterly negative and demeaning all the time.
I think Therapy is going to be the Christmas gift. If I don't do anything else but a few small thoughtful gifts and find a damn therapist who would work with us that would be great.
I am a bit irritated at my eldest's comments that I need to work on self and we need family therapy. Simply cause although she is RIGHT
I fucking TRIED to find a therapist and when had insurance and could afford it everyone I reached out to had ZERO Capacity.
I DID Set up one kid with therapy and the kid BLEW IT by not showing up. You do that a couple times and game over.
Someone who wants to do the work gets the spot.
I know I tried with two out of three youngest but never insisted the youngest go.
So that is the next step I suppose.
She did not.
But she also argues against every other thing to but will then do it when no other choice. This kid does FINE with DAD who is authoritarian and he sure aa hell does not respect autonomy, so it perplexes me much that their is openess to lettung him help her but when I offer help I am seen as controlling and interfering in her life.
I think that not necessarily a good thing that she responds only to the authoritarian ( and perhaps male?) presence however. But then again maybe he has been a different father to her thsn he was to tge okder ones. Maybe he is respectful of her and a positive influence so I think it great she has a good relationship with him and listens to his encouragement. So I have been trying to give the kid space to figure out self and figure out what she wants.
and her depression of having no clear idea of what she wants is not helping her find herself.
She has to get out of the house.
SO I have to do something different if she doesn't take action herself. I Know this. It's the parenting she needs it seems if she is unable to get herself out of her rut.
The cut healed really well very quickly thankfully! The eye likewise-
SO back at it
There were some volunteer things happening today I did not sign up for as I know the priority is to get my own house in order before giving my energy and time elsewhere.
FOCUS on the home-
Last night I did enjoy a call with two of my brothers and the one bro's family- sister in law and lovely child.
That is #1 Priority once I get enough income and am not living month to month paying the necessary bills.
At least the outstanding medical bills are ( for most part) Taken care of. That makes it feasible to consider travel as the debt is not so overwhelming.
I am bummed of course to have BORROWED now $10 K for our living expenses and have never received a penny of Virginial Unemployment.
Two decent interviews this week and a third for Monday morning so perhaps something will stick soon.
In talking to my bro it occurred to me that he may be hitting agism in his job hunt. He is super talented and smart. The guy worked for the feds and held a clearance and has worked on so many fucking cool things as a software developer and data guy. Data modeling and analysis, and AI...
He gave up his federal work in order to marry a non U.S. Citizen.
I am not sure he HAD TO
Basically she is from an actual communist country. She is now a Citizen but was not when they met and started dating and then got married.
SO I have not idea if he followed process and reported to his Security officer when he started dating her.
That is seriously the level of commitment one is expected to have when working in certain jobs
that you HAVE To report liasons which HAVE TO be investigated to ensure security of our government operations.
I GET IT
What I always thought dumb was the one friend of mine who claimed he would not marry
I mean you should report and apply for the clearance and not assume if you TRULY LOVE Someone.
That guy is not the marrying type and he used that as a total excuse.
So he found other work and let go of the clearance at the time.
The thing is I am sure he can get cleared again if he wants.
I think being a bit older is currently impacting his job hunt so I personally think he should go the route of looking for a federal position again. Simply because I feel like once you are an older worker the federal government is one of the BEST employers.
My impression (and experience) is honestly that the government is the best employer when it comes to respect for all people and that the gov jobs are less inclined to have issues of actual racism, sexism, agism and ableism in their hiring and promotions.
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