2022-12-03 - 11:50 a.m.

It happened again.

The creating while dreaming.

I fell asleep after unloading my worries.

I woke in that half awake half dream like state- on cusp of awake but still in a dream almost.
Where there was vivid lucid dreaming happening with consciousness of the dream.

The problem is my brain is almost like two working parts-
one in the dream
the subconscious?
Then the conscious brain, still asleep, somehow aware of the act of creation happening in my subconscious

and has the THOUGHT

"I should wake up and try to capture this song. It s a whole freaking formed song I am singing in this dream. I just created that."

And then I NEVER fully awaken with lucid recall to be able to capture the dream.
It is both fun that it happens

and perplexing at the same time

and disappointing.
I feel like I just did not do the work yet to have the SKILLS to capture what was created and heard in the dream state by my eavesdropping consciousness of self listening in to my subconscious unfiltered uncensored part of the self.

All I remember was hearing this song

and critiquing the lyric as non sensical ! HA HA

as thinking
"This is not very good. That lyric makes no sense"
And the lyric included my nickname and MAMA

Like "_____"nickname" _ Mama is singing to you..."

That was the actual one lyric I remember

singing in first person about self-
about the fact of singing a song to someone

With my clear identiy in the song as my self and role of mama
mother

Of course that is most clearly the strongest part of self calling to me to be most active in my life right now

I mean perhaps moreso than other times?

Which seems to me so very odd in a way.

AS I raised these kids in the *TECHNICAL* Sense thst thry are now out of high school and over age 18

yet all signs are that my mothering is needed and priority just now for the youngest.

Anyway

quick writing break as I am in middle of putting back the patches of carved out 4X4 ceiling squares the young plumber who first came created when he was looking at my pipes.

Honestly he cut two more than necessary.

Those two are up
in a total crappy hack job

impatiently DONE but DONE
with the kind of clay like textured pink spackle which dries white. I am sure I am not supposed to be touching it. However, I got frustrated at the one square too far receded in and had to shimmy it back out to align it with the rest of tge ceiling, and broke the spackle knife I was working with (It fit in and I was able to ease the square back down concurrent with a nice " SNAP" of the knife breaking.

So I resorted to my hands as heck, this feels like clay.

The putty I have is thicker than optimal to fill the space - as used a tape to reinforce- that kind that looks like strapping tape for packages. (Hell for all I know it might BE strapping tape for packages. Swear one of those things that I think is the same damn product marketed multiple ways.)

I am getting this done.

But a bit cranky still.

It will be less depressing in my house once we don't have holes in the ceiling anymore and I give that a fresh coat of paint.

That will pick up the space much!
THEN I will clean and pull out the Christmas Decorations.

HOPEFULLY I can put on Christmas music and perhaps make some Christmas cookies and be happy and festive without
Teenage brain addled Grinches.

The one kid is so fucking negative and ruins everything.

Seems to be completely unaware of their absolute negative unpleasant energy and how it affects others.

CONSTANT Negativity.

No wonder the other is to also clearly depressed.

It takes such energy to fight that from become one's state when around it all the time. I mean have to conscientiously choose to remain positive somehow when around someone utterly negative and demeaning all the time.

I think Therapy is going to be the Christmas gift. If I don't do anything else but a few small thoughtful gifts and find a damn therapist who would work with us that would be great.

I am a bit irritated at my eldest's comments that I need to work on self and we need family therapy. Simply cause although she is RIGHT

I fucking TRIED to find a therapist and when had insurance and could afford it everyone I reached out to had ZERO Capacity.

I DID Set up one kid with therapy and the kid BLEW IT by not showing up. You do that a couple times and game over.

Someone who wants to do the work gets the spot.

I know I tried with two out of three youngest but never insisted the youngest go.

So that is the next step I suppose.
BUT I made the fucking mistake of ASKING HER
and hoping she would consent.

She did not.

But she also argues against every other thing to but will then do it when no other choice. This kid does FINE with DAD who is authoritarian and he sure aa hell does not respect autonomy, so it perplexes me much that their is openess to lettung him help her but when I offer help I am seen as controlling and interfering in her life.

I think that not necessarily a good thing that she responds only to the authoritarian ( and perhaps male?) presence however. But then again maybe he has been a different father to her thsn he was to tge okder ones. Maybe he is respectful of her and a positive influence so I think it great she has a good relationship with him and listens to his encouragement. So I have been trying to give the kid space to figure out self and figure out what she wants.
BUT WALLOWING IN INDECISION

and her depression of having no clear idea of what she wants is not helping her find herself.

She has to get out of the house.

SO I have to do something different if she doesn't take action herself. I Know this. It's the parenting she needs it seems if she is unable to get herself out of her rut.

OK-
BACK TO THE LAST square. Needed a break for eye drops and to drink water and get hydrated as my eyes were really itchy. Thought maybe got dust in them- but then realized it is just that they are dry-
and the one eye did have some extra irritation which is healing but still feels a little dryer than the other. That time I walked smack into the hanging gutter part that was sticking out of the truck outside my house in that dumb ADHD moment left some irritation.

The cut healed really well very quickly thankfully! The eye likewise-
I was VERY Lucky it was not hit/cut!
But it had some impact which healed but I still feel a bit of irritation. I definitely am going to make an eye dr appointment for a check up and not wait too long just to be sure no issue.
It has not bothered me but for occasional dryness which could be many things.

SO back at it
but this time I will also wear my glasses, just in case.

There were some volunteer things happening today I did not sign up for as I know the priority is to get my own house in order before giving my energy and time elsewhere.

FOCUS on the home-
physical space and inhabitants in it.

Last night I did enjoy a call with two of my brothers and the one bro's family- sister in law and lovely child.
The kids here chatted with them which was nice. I called when they were sitting on the couch playing their games like usual. It was nice to visit virtually with them all.
My one bro was in town and they had all been to see my Dad and the bro who lives with him. My brother who lives elsewhere found a last minute cheap flight and was able to come in to see DAD and that other bro for Thanksgiving which was nice for them all.
I had hoped to be able to afford travel this year... ce la vie...

That is #1 Priority once I get enough income and am not living month to month paying the necessary bills.

At least the outstanding medical bills are ( for most part) Taken care of. That makes it feasible to consider travel as the debt is not so overwhelming.

I am bummed of course to have BORROWED now $10 K for our living expenses and have never received a penny of Virginial Unemployment.

Two decent interviews this week and a third for Monday morning so perhaps something will stick soon.

In talking to my bro it occurred to me that he may be hitting agism in his job hunt. He is super talented and smart. The guy worked for the feds and held a clearance and has worked on so many fucking cool things as a software developer and data guy. Data modeling and analysis, and AI...
He is super smart.

He gave up his federal work in order to marry a non U.S. Citizen.

I am not sure he HAD TO
or if he lost it- have no idea but DO KNOW That it is a VERY REAL THING that for SOME Roles/jobs having a non U.S. Spouse is seen as a risk.

Basically she is from an actual communist country. She is now a Citizen but was not when they met and started dating and then got married.

SO I have not idea if he followed process and reported to his Security officer when he started dating her.

That is seriously the level of commitment one is expected to have when working in certain jobs

that you HAVE To report liasons which HAVE TO be investigated to ensure security of our government operations.

I GET IT
I have no issue with this

What I always thought dumb was the one friend of mine who claimed he would not marry
cause he loves exotic women and used that as an excuse that he would lose his livelihood.

BULLSHIT
HE also dumps his girl and finds a new one every couple of years...player...

I mean you should report and apply for the clearance and not assume if you TRULY LOVE Someone.

That guy is not the marrying type and he used that as a total excuse.
My bro actually fell in love and wanted to get married and my understanding was he just looked for a job in the Private Sector doing commercial work for end user clients other than our U.S. of A and didn't bother going through all the hoops as the project he was working on was coming to an end anyway when he first met her.

So he found other work and let go of the clearance at the time.

The thing is I am sure he can get cleared again if he wants.

I think being a bit older is currently impacting his job hunt so I personally think he should go the route of looking for a federal position again. Simply because I feel like once you are an older worker the federal government is one of the BEST employers.

My impression (and experience) is honestly that the government is the best employer when it comes to respect for all people and that the gov jobs are less inclined to have issues of actual racism, sexism, agism and ableism in their hiring and promotions.

No kidding.
The U.S. is one of the largest employers of veterans and disabled. As a country I think we should be proud of that.

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