2022-12-05 - 3:36 p.m.
Just quick update that had three interviews in the past four days.
I am happy to report my one REAL client sent me work today! It will be a pretty quick turn. Hour if that...
Getting it done!
Funny I was doing some work for MY company today when the job came in.
I am feeling like I need to work on business development.
I have a couple upcoming events with a professional org I am in, and there are some local business group parties. I was not going to spend money on the ones that cost money-
But also with intentionality of working on actual business development- pitching my company with confidence.
YES that might be fun.
I also started with the very LOCAL business association. There are larger ones-
I literally started as local as possible. Idea being work as CLOSE to home to mimimuxe commnte, and develop working relatiosnhips as organically close to home as possible.
I just think there is something to that! The small business owners who really get involved and fully presenet wHERE THEy LIVE
Maybe it is a COIVD thing
Its just been my gut instinct as I start this business.
But.... I am still just trying I think to have CONNECTION to this place. To make it MY OWN.
I suppose in a way
I liked THIS PLACE.
My Ex husband brought me when I visited to many and it was THIS place I chose to make my home.
Really the little small town near the larger one I now live in.
NOW the older two kids hated even coming back here and I understand more fully why.
But I was given a bit of pespective...
they were small black children moved to a white mans' southern farm and made to do farm chores from sun up to sundown
I mean My oldest told me only when she read/saw Beloved again last year did she have this cathartic release of emotion
Its her story
But the thing is
It is not mine
I can feel the empathy for that pain and that perspective
But it was not my experience
*RACE was a factor in his abuse of them
OF COURSE it was
He wanted to adopt Not out of great love but to deny their past
He wanted their name changed and their father not in their lives
It was not love
It was control and being threatened by the fact of my ex husband having been someone the three of us loved and did not STOP loving but chose to not be around because of his own issues etc..
so it was not HEALTHY To be around. I mean it was the abuse of the oldest two's father and the unhealthy dynamic of his mother enabling which made me leave him.
I was NOT an enabler.
I honestly don't think I was an enabler or ignored the abuse of my 2nd husband either. BUT BUT
my oldest thinks I did
But the thing is I don't think I ever pretended everything was fine. Hell when in that 2nd marriage we had marriage counselors-
Fuck I called the police. I insisted on counseling.
And I left-
I mean I tried to protect all these kids.
Now I am just tired of it. Its time for them to figure their shit out own their own perhaps.
The thing is some of my kids resent me for NOT having addressed the abuse enough
and the younger ones act like there was exaggeration on the part of the older ones- and it was not so bad
So can't please any of them.
I am not going to get the best parent award
SO BE IT
Did the best I can
BUT I CANNOT Let my KID'S ISSUES BECOME MY OWN
and that goes for EACH and ALL OF THEM
They all need to heal their own trauma.
But this is truly my chosen home.
I think that is why I dig in. Why I am here with this as my nucleus of focus right now.
I WANT TO CREATE THE PEACEFUL SANCTUARY I HAVE ENVISIONED
and I want to welcome all of them to come as they will
or go if their time has come to grow out of the home nest ( for the younger ones) and launch into their own lives.
The fact some don't want to spend time here because they choose not to be around some of their siblings is not my issue or problem.
I can't fix that.
And I don't need to go to my PAST.
I need to be fully present HERE
To me it is sad that all the kids-
ALL SIX act like this is a place they don't want to be.
But it is not for them. It is for me. I am proud of this home. I have taken care of the house itself. I sit here and can work with quiet classical music proud of the fact I am a good steward of it. Sure money is tight now but this house has had in the past three years a new roof, new windows, and heck new electric wiring in part of it and plumbing now fixed).
So I will fix the ceiling- after I get this one task done ( seriously an hr of work!!)
Last year the one kid enjoyed getting a tree - oh wait that was two years ago. Both enjoyed it then! One picked out the tree but the other really got into picking out greens to make a wreath. We enjoyed chatting with the old farmer. I paid more than the tree sale that funds our local fire dept where we always bought our trees ( they sold out!) but it seemed worth it to support this amazing local farmer. He was old! I forget his age but he was really something ! I wonder if he made it thorough COVID... seriously.. would be nice to drive by the spot he was at to see if he is selling trees to say hello and maybe just get some greenery. ( He gave us the stuff cut off he was tossing out).
The thing is, since then, since visiting the allergist I know now that the one kid is allergic to most trees! FOR REAL - incredible allergies! We did notice the Christmas tree set them off really badly that year. This kid never complained ( my youngest- she learned to be invisible in the midst of the drama and trauma of dysfunctional family. So invisible she is now wondering who the hell she is! But she will figure it out as truth be told she always had her own unique fun strong personality except when she was hiding for her own self protection! She is smart and funny and clever- I guess the youngest of a clan often is funny but in a way it is often this disturbing acutely aware, not having been a NORMAL kid and both having to grow into awareness TOO quickly of some things- which creates a cynicism not healthy for kids young, but also then this feeling/reality I guess of being overshadowed and overwhelmed by older siblings
I sadly have an abuser ( or more than one to be more accurate) among the siblings in this household.
Typical the sibling abusers grew up with an abusive parent.
The thing is I tried to have these kids in counseling young.
Why did I not continue? Well for years they were with me every other week and then we did have family counseling on the Saturdays they were with me.
BUT when our counselor himself had to stop practicing!! DAMN for inappropriate interaction with a client
I mean DAMN
No wonder there was a break for a bit. I did then get that kid back into counseling eventually.
I paid for music therapy assessment and wanted the one to try that. Honestly the one kid was interested but the guy in charge dropped the ball and never scheduled the session. It was disappointing. That kid did do some counseling about 5 years ago, or 4 years ago... but then stopped going, lost the spot and COVID hit and no one had opening. I tried and we got NO from everyone I called.
So I did my best.
Allergy shot this week for one and maybe I will be able to get that youngest to agree to go to a counselor? Maybe there is one that will be available if I bring JUST HER? (I was calling trying to find one with capacity for TWO teens in past!)
I will try. I got NO to the idea of Family Systems therapy when I ASKED if they were interested. BUT I wont leave it at that...
Yeah I will be happy in my house and enjoy decorating a tree. I just want to try to get the family to participate and get an artificial one!
AND then maybe buy in for therapy as our family gift?
OK will of course get some good chocolate and treats etc.. and a book for each, and maybe nice new clothing item each would like.
BUT if they don't want to participate I will do these things for me.
Cause I can be happy even if they choose not to be.
So that leaves the question that I started thinking about.
BUT there are contingencies
Of course.. income is one! HA HA
So it is not easy!
I was speaking with someone who was in therapy for years who is no longer in therapy. They also don't need to take the antidepressants they were dependent on for years. WHY? Well, the fact they are now in a job at $65K as their full time job and time to do the things they love has everything to do with it. Interesting.
OK Now to work a bit!
Did confirm I was dissed ... intentionally. But I don't care. Not my issue. IN GOOD News the Arts org did get a GRANT AWARDED due to my PAST work! WHOO HOO - 2022-12-07
Laughed at first- NO Dr. in 25 miles takes the Medicaid Policy I was awarded. I CAN CHANGE IT - 2022-12-07
VEC communication done for today. De Ja Vu - 2022-12-06
It's already NOON? How the hell does that happen when I write?? (or do anything.) - 2022-12-06
Today was a Great Day for my Consulting Company! Just like that new client and work came in from the existing one. - 2022-12-05