2022-12-05 - 3:36 p.m.

Just quick update that had three interviews in the past four days.
Two Fri, and one Today.
One for a new client of my company.
Two are W2 roles, but honestly the one seemed they were interested and could go either way- 1099 me or W2 employee. I want the benefits.

I am happy to report my one REAL client sent me work today! It will be a pretty quick turn. Hour if that...
but happy to have that come in.

Getting it done!
I was thinking today if I don't land a W2 role perhaps it is the Universe/GOD sending the message to stick to my plan of my own company-
stay the course and do the work.

Funny I was doing some work for MY company today when the job came in.

I am feeling like I need to work on business development.

I have a couple upcoming events with a professional org I am in, and there are some local business group parties. I was not going to spend money on the ones that cost money-
but perhaps it will be a decent $40 business development expense to show up at the one business association Christmas Dinner all decked out to socialize and meet folks.
Why not?
It can be both my Artist Way date with self
taking myself on a date for dinner! (I kinda love going out solo truth be told)

But also with intentionality of working on actual business development- pitching my company with confidence.

YEAH

YES that might be fun.

I also started with the very LOCAL business association. There are larger ones-
I mean you can find them at every level-
TOWN, COUNTY, STATE-- REGION etc...

I literally started as local as possible. Idea being work as CLOSE to home to mimimuxe commnte, and develop working relatiosnhips as organically close to home as possible.

I just think there is something to that! The small business owners who really get involved and fully presenet wHERE THEy LIVE

Maybe it is a COIVD thing
the desire to be home
keep the home the center of my activity and expand that circle outward but workign as close to home as can.

Its just been my gut instinct as I start this business.
* Which is funny as my first client is on the West Coast. Courting another in a state down South and the one spoke with today is north of me in another NE state.

But.... I am still just trying I think to have CONNECTION to this place. To make it MY OWN.

I suppose in a way
I don't want to be informed only by the fact I moved here for love. I moved here to get married.
I want to remember that I CHOOSE THIS TOWN

I liked THIS PLACE.

My Ex husband brought me when I visited to many and it was THIS place I chose to make my home.

Really the little small town near the larger one I now live in.

NOW the older two kids hated even coming back here and I understand more fully why.
YES their step father was evil to them
abusive
and awful
and there are so many hideous things he did

But I was given a bit of pespective...

they were small black children moved to a white mans' southern farm and made to do farm chores from sun up to sundown
They were enslaved

Literally

I mean My oldest told me only when she read/saw Beloved again last year did she have this cathartic release of emotion

Its her story

But the thing is
THAT IS HER STORY

It is not mine

I can feel the empathy for that pain and that perspective

But it was not my experience

*RACE was a factor in his abuse of them

OF COURSE it was

He wanted to adopt Not out of great love but to deny their past

He wanted their name changed and their father not in their lives

It was not love

It was control and being threatened by the fact of my ex husband having been someone the three of us loved and did not STOP loving but chose to not be around because of his own issues etc..

so it was not HEALTHY To be around. I mean it was the abuse of the oldest two's father and the unhealthy dynamic of his mother enabling which made me leave him.

I was NOT an enabler.

I honestly don't think I was an enabler or ignored the abuse of my 2nd husband either. BUT BUT

my oldest thinks I did
Thinks my defense is self protective *pretending* everything was fine.

But the thing is I don't think I ever pretended everything was fine. Hell when in that 2nd marriage we had marriage counselors-
I mean we had so much intervention and did so much work as I did not just *PRETEND and Accept the abuse.

Fuck I called the police. I insisted on counseling.

And I left-
Sure I came back.... but I then left for good.

I mean I tried to protect all these kids.

Now I am just tired of it. Its time for them to figure their shit out own their own perhaps.

The thing is some of my kids resent me for NOT having addressed the abuse enough

and the younger ones act like there was exaggeration on the part of the older ones- and it was not so bad

So can't please any of them.

I am not going to get the best parent award

SO BE IT

Did the best I can

BUT I CANNOT Let my KID'S ISSUES BECOME MY OWN

and that goes for EACH and ALL OF THEM

They all need to heal their own trauma.

But this is truly my chosen home.

I think that is why I dig in. Why I am here with this as my nucleus of focus right now.

I WANT TO CREATE THE PEACEFUL SANCTUARY I HAVE ENVISIONED

and I want to welcome all of them to come as they will

or go if their time has come to grow out of the home nest ( for the younger ones) and launch into their own lives.

But

The fact some don't want to spend time here because they choose not to be around some of their siblings is not my issue or problem.

I can't fix that.
The siblings have issues with each other.

And I don't need to go to my PAST.

I need to be fully present HERE
And enjoy this home I CREATED.

To me it is sad that all the kids-
I mean all of them literally

ALL SIX act like this is a place they don't want to be.

But it is not for them. It is for me. I am proud of this home. I have taken care of the house itself. I sit here and can work with quiet classical music proud of the fact I am a good steward of it. Sure money is tight now but this house has had in the past three years a new roof, new windows, and heck new electric wiring in part of it and plumbing now fixed).

So I will fix the ceiling- after I get this one task done ( seriously an hr of work!!)
I will go get spackle to finish the job-
sand the first round done ( It dried OK! Looks just like it needs sanding. Honestly even THE MESSIEST, SLOPPIEST SPACKLING EVER on a ceiling doesn't look so awful once it dries. Its the freaking ceiling- once the pink cured into a white it just blends in. 100% improvement over the cut holes! A bit of sanding and then a careful nice final layer of a wetter compound easier to smooth out and the final coat will look good! A touch of paint and it will be looking great!)
and I will straigten up and decorate.
I look forward to putting up a tree and creating an advent wreath.

Last year the one kid enjoyed getting a tree - oh wait that was two years ago. Both enjoyed it then! One picked out the tree but the other really got into picking out greens to make a wreath. We enjoyed chatting with the old farmer. I paid more than the tree sale that funds our local fire dept where we always bought our trees ( they sold out!) but it seemed worth it to support this amazing local farmer. He was old! I forget his age but he was really something ! I wonder if he made it thorough COVID... seriously.. would be nice to drive by the spot he was at to see if he is selling trees to say hello and maybe just get some greenery. ( He gave us the stuff cut off he was tossing out).

The thing is, since then, since visiting the allergist I know now that the one kid is allergic to most trees! FOR REAL - incredible allergies! We did notice the Christmas tree set them off really badly that year. This kid never complained ( my youngest- she learned to be invisible in the midst of the drama and trauma of dysfunctional family. So invisible she is now wondering who the hell she is! But she will figure it out as truth be told she always had her own unique fun strong personality except when she was hiding for her own self protection! She is smart and funny and clever- I guess the youngest of a clan often is funny but in a way it is often this disturbing acutely aware, not having been a NORMAL kid and both having to grow into awareness TOO quickly of some things- which creates a cynicism not healthy for kids young, but also then this feeling/reality I guess of being overshadowed and overwhelmed by older siblings
as of course there is always at least one bossy one
and in many cases one abusive
I mean it is awful but true
that some older siblings are known to be awful to their younger ones at times and abusive.

I sadly have an abuser ( or more than one to be more accurate) among the siblings in this household.

Typical the sibling abusers grew up with an abusive parent.
Family abuse is a systemic problem

https://endcan.org/2021/07/07/sibling-abuse-the-hidden-epidemic/

The thing is I tried to have these kids in counseling young.

Why did I not continue? Well for years they were with me every other week and then we did have family counseling on the Saturdays they were with me.
BUT THEN ... heck I think the counseling continued even after I only had them weekends and Wed night's for a bit.

BUT when our counselor himself had to stop practicing!! DAMN for inappropriate interaction with a client

Well...
It was fucking hard to find a counselor #1
and how do you trust putting your kid into 1 on 1 counseling with an adult when the counselor who had been providing family system therapy for you and your kids
who then was providing 1:1 therapy with the kid who was most troubled ( I mean they all were troubled- but the one VIOLENT at the time...most OVERTLY troubled and abusing others) is not practicing due to sexual abuse allegations from a client?

I mean DAMN

No wonder there was a break for a bit. I did then get that kid back into counseling eventually.

I paid for music therapy assessment and wanted the one to try that. Honestly the one kid was interested but the guy in charge dropped the ball and never scheduled the session. It was disappointing. That kid did do some counseling about 5 years ago, or 4 years ago... but then stopped going, lost the spot and COVID hit and no one had opening. I tried and we got NO from everyone I called.

So I did my best.
And will keep doing my best.

Allergy shot this week for one and maybe I will be able to get that youngest to agree to go to a counselor? Maybe there is one that will be available if I bring JUST HER? (I was calling trying to find one with capacity for TWO teens in past!)

I will try. I got NO to the idea of Family Systems therapy when I ASKED if they were interested. BUT I wont leave it at that...
I will keep trying.
But fundamentally knowing it is really up to each of them to figure out their shit at this point.

Yeah I will be happy in my house and enjoy decorating a tree. I just want to try to get the family to participate and get an artificial one!
And then some fresh greens we can put outside.

AND then maybe buy in for therapy as our family gift?

OK will of course get some good chocolate and treats etc.. and a book for each, and maybe nice new clothing item each would like.

BUT if they don't want to participate I will do these things for me.

Cause I can be happy even if they choose not to be.

So that leaves the question that I started thinking about.
Can one really just CHOOSE to be happy?

YES apparently

BUT there are contingencies

Of course.. income is one! HA HA

So it is not easy!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/202005/choosing-happiness

I was speaking with someone who was in therapy for years who is no longer in therapy. They also don't need to take the antidepressants they were dependent on for years. WHY? Well, the fact they are now in a job at $65K as their full time job and time to do the things they love has everything to do with it. Interesting.

OK Now to work a bit!

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