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2022-12-06 - 10:16 a.m.

Ironic the thing that might be what gets me into holiday spirit is parties to promote my business.

OOPS I forgot about Choir practice and just realized it as sent and RSVP to a local business association holiday gathering. I will go to choir and can leave then go to the event to make an appearance. Networking opportunities should not be missed.
The last event also had some awesome treats! I mean every coffee shop, bakery and patisserie ( and yes there are a few local ones!) has joined the local business association and were there at one of the monthly meet and greets.

It was worth it just for the amazing mocha muffin I enjoyed. Seriously- I am a fan and will remember that bakery when I actually have disposable income to go out and hob nob around where there is not free food.

So I did bite the bullet ( trust me this is how it feels to sometimes go to social events when KNOW that COVID is NOT REALLY mitigating. I mean the policy around it has changed cause it was a matter of triage really
Vaccinations done to the extent that they will be...
so NOW
TEENS from dying of mental illness/depression
ADULTS from drug addiction as both those were crisis during lockdown.

I mean it makes sense when look at the OVERALL big picture! BEING HOME and not going anywhere is really not good for people. ( EVEN introverts who do not like socializing in particular Or rather who get ANXIETY at the thought of it- that is friends a symptom of mental illness issue. IT is not because neurodivergent that folks different get social anxiety it is because of the world's RESPONSE To those different! THAT Is apparent as kids who are neurodivergent often do not start out NOT wanting to engage in the world. They may not SEEK OUT engagement but initially they often are fine when interacting as long as they are informed and aware ahead of time of a transition (that their executive functioning skill set needs)

There is in fact lack of fear

I mean the kids who when get overwhelmed by people want to run off

Those kids are not afraid of going out into the WORLD at first

Some want to go run off to the park and be alone among nature

They just engage with the world DIFFERENTLY

It is the REACTION to those kids that creates social anxiety I think.

Cause when a kid is overstimulated and tries to flee a situation I don't see that as a social anxiety behavior at all

it was just self care and instinct that the kid knew what they needed INHERENTLY all along.

So interesting to me as my kid who is autistic was HAPPY when living on a farm in early childhood and had freedom of movement. It was only when moved to the suburbs and had to learn limits based on societal norms of what is ACCEPTABLE parenting
that they became miserable.

And they saw me as an abuser in moments for reigning the kid in.

BUT The thing they don't understand is I was at risk of having my kids taken from me if I DID NOT do what I did.

Heck even the simple act of giving a kid MORE TIME to transition and be ready to go into school in the morning was seen as too disruptive to be supported.

Why the fuck is that the case?
I mean instead I had to force the kid to get up and conform and be ready

and I had no choice- HAD TO DO THAT in order to get the OTHER kids on time.

I am still annoyed by the impact of that awful experience of ableism with me and my neurodivergent children. It impacted the one kid more than the others-

well maybe not

It impacted us all.
I didn't understand the word ableism at all then.

The best I could do was ask the school if they could put me on an IEP.

IRONIC as that school never even got an IEP for my autistic kid.

OK enough on that rant. I try so hard to forget about the past and move on.

SO the good news is I just checked the COVID Tracker and YEAH My county is at low risk! 3.3% of those hospitalized have COVID ; high vaccination rates, #s down-

So I am comfortable going out ! I still wear a mask simply as I do work with a vulnerable population

EVEN THOUGH the assisted living place itself is not longer requiring it. MOST are super happy about that shift to be honest. Only a few of us are still masking.

BUT the dishwasher had COVID over Thanksgiving ( or the week before); a resident had it three weeks ago; another part time receptionist had it a month ago; a CNA was out for a few weeks with COVID and just came back two weeks ago...

SO in reality as no one is calling it a big deal now there were 4 cases I KNOW OF affirmatively.

(And someone remarked "SO and so got sick and then there whole table got sick") AS only part time I never was aware of what they all had.... could have been RSV.

THANKFULLY it was 4 people fighting a cold like thing only

NOTHING NEAR as bad as some flu outbreaks in the past! HONESTLY I worked in the past years where there was a nasty flu going around and the facility went in full lockdown mode to contain it and not pass it on for safety of the residents.

So many had it - and once it hit our facility we HAVE To lock down as it is declared an epidemic site if more than a certain # of folks catch a contagious illness. YEAH I worked through that; masking then. (This was years before COVID).

One co worker recalled that. She said her whole FLOOR she works on was sick and EVERYONE working there eventually got it but her.
Her remark

" I was the only one that got the flu shot that year."

The facility now arranges flu shots for ALL residents EVERY YEAR. I am pretty sure that started after that outbreak which was between 5 and 7 years ago!

In other news of all the damn things
I have a rash again on the right arm
Cause I obviously pulled out a dress that I apparently wore once and did not wash way back in spring when first got this! (Or washed it but the oils did not fully wash out yet!)

This is what happens-

Some random item of clothing still has oils on it!

This was a dress that has a jacket over it. Short sleeved dress and long sleeved jacket. I wore it to work or church last weekend and for the past week have been itchy. The annoying thing is it started as a few itchy bumps and I IMMEDIATELY upon getting itchy identified it was that clothing item so I changed. The rash mitigated and got a bit better in a couple days but then it flared up AGAIN
so I think I then pulled out some offending shirt that also had the oils OR

I did wear some fuzzy PJS have not worn in a while. But could it still have been cool in Spring at night such that I last wore them then?

YES possible.

So freaking annoying. So all the clothes worn THIS WEEK will be washed at the laundromat in HOT water...

if they have it,

I think the laundromat is seriously actually only using cold water and the settings are a sham.

Smart money saving move unless someone like me actually sticks their hand in the machine as the water is filling.
I do that ALL THE TIME to check and thus far when tried hot water it was coming out cold.


ALSO SMART business move as honeslty can imagine the nightmare of folks putting clothes in hot water and ruining them with bleeding colors and managment dealing with that...

so I get it...

that the laundromat figures not worth even really offering it.
BUT it is freaking unethical to PRETEND you have hot water machines and advertise it and have folks PAY MORE *yeah it costs more
if the machines are running on cold only.

SO I will see what I find next time I go there.

I really like this laundromat OTHERWISE.

I just hope to inquire and find there really is some machine that will fill with hot water as heck I NEED that to get rid of the poison ivy oils!

But the main reason I intended to write was that perhaps I can have my Hallmark Movie moment...
FUCK some handsome man coming back to the hometown
and being the savior of the lonely divorcee

NO in my story at the Hallmark like exciting big event in the small town everyone is looking forward to

The divorcee rolls out her business with smashing success
suddenly landing new clients
and is the georgous envy of the party ( HA HA .... unfortunately her are no catty evil women I know to pull into the story... no back story to have a satisfying moment of the NICE gal getting the attention of the hot nice man that some bitches were competing for attention of... OH WAIT... I don't need that story. That desire for that *fun* is truly narcissistic HA HA. I never would have THOUGHT Like that years ago... but that happened to me in college when I came home from school after the first year to work over the summer; and yes I fell in love with the beautiful looking, sweet and smart shy guy who was the new night manager that every female single employee was literally after. The girls and women at that store were hilarious in their flirting with him and attempts to get his attention, and he had Zero interest, was polite and cordial but paid them little mind and was very focused on his work. He fell for me and then courted me. He chased me...... but I digress.. and it was no big happy ending, and the sweet man was trapped as the baby of the mafiosa family... no lie HA HA And I left THAT hometown with a broken heart to never go back as you know . after a few years of back and forth during college ( I have a sweet photo of he and I at a college dance he came up to attend with me)... love sucks... when it is dangerous.. HA HA That was NOT a Hallmark Movie that helped me to know needed to get out of dodge..but aTV Flick with Mellissa Gilbert in it..

OMG I have recalled that AWFUL TV MOVIE but never recalled the name or read anything about it since

I just know since my then boyfriends' FATHER invited me to stay and WATCH IT WITH HIM
there was a warning from the family I was not welcome

But in hindsight that pick of the one movie I ever watched with his Father was not random for sure

The parents did not approve of him dating an Irish girl! FOR REAL This was the first I was made aware that there was ever this rivalry in NY between the Irish and Italians!,NBC%20on%20January%2018%2C%201987.

The movie ended with the wife murdered.
Cause she knew too much.

Well yeah... so I got the heck out of dodge after college... and that was the first time I was madly in love and let go with such deep heartbreak.

I suppose I was never the same since. None of us are the same after heartbreak.
But I should have heeded the warning THEN to just stay away from Italian men!

(Buffalo Guy is 100% Sicilian actually....)

I have a fucking type and it sucks.

I blame the beautiful Italian girl named Tina who was my first best school mate when I was six. I would go over her house for dinner and the food! The visuals! The music! (She played piano)

Oh my that house was so filled with fun and joy and energy which was so appealing to me.

I see now that it was warm and welcoming and ALIVE and that was so attractive. I see now that my mom had chronic illness, and my Dad is likely on that autism spectrum himself - a man of few words. He is a WONDERFUL man, kinda like Mr. Rodgers but not as talkative. Seriously- he is compared to him often. BUT My Dad was WORKING full time and then a Deacon off to church at nights with his tribe.

He had his church family in a real sense as important to him as us.

My parents were pretty awesome. My mom was a scout leader and they really were both engaged in community and supported each kid's interests to the extent they could.

BUT our house was actually REALLY quite. VERY Peaceful.

And the activity and vibrancy of that Italian household really attracted me.

Its so funny what one is drawn to. Undoubtedly the OPPOSITE vibe of my family which was completely CHILL and peaceful.

I mean really my home was like the Dead Head vibe without substances.

I mean that is the best analogy I can come up with. My brothers sitting around chilling playing video games or creating music or reading and writing. We all kinda just did our own thing and then they collaborated when home. BUT Everyone got jobs as early as possible and were then off working!

So its like the kids here in this house have HALF the family vibe I grew up with!
That is good!
Its just the OTHER HALF

and I realize that was the work ethic of both my parents. My mom was home when we were young but then went through college as my oldest brother was in high school. She got an associates degree and paralegal certification then worked as a paralegal for the next 20 years.

I hope that my first love has a beautiful family and that his family has continued on in life with good ethical work and gotten out of the racket of the past. I got the sense some were involved but he wanted to not be... and he claimed he did not know a thing about what work his father did.
I hope that he and family just have had decent happy lives doing good work and he is content.

I did a seach and sure enough he is now listed as the owner of a store. Not surprising and I honestly really happy for him. He was an exceptional store manager.

I was an exceptional Front End Manager... (Seriously) I loved that work and never felt burdened by going to work. I mean EVER It was so fun. I was good at it, and I was in love with the night manager who came in at 10pm. We had breakfast dates when he got off... or lunch ... or went to the movies in the evening before his shift. OMG it was such a marvelous time that first really truly falling in love. We talked about everything
He wanted to someday help kids. He wanted to create art. He made metal sculptures in high school and had a dream of someday doing more, and setting up a community center for teens where they could go and create art, music.
He had big dreams.
I hope if he didn't yet actualize those artistic dreams he finds them again and reawakens them someday.
I don't think of him often now but on rare occasion every half dozen or so years I run a google.
And look at what I find for just a moment as fondly think of him.

Then I read something like this- for the reality check
of why my decision to run away was absolutely sound.

it was the HARDEST THING EVER to be back home taking just one final class for my dual degree and to NOT CALL HIM ( I finished early in DEC but for one class and took a job as a bill collector! Worked next to SAL who would scare the bejessus out of anyone... HA HA while took the train to Stoneybrook for a sole Spanish class cause was 3 credits shy of a requirement for my Philosophy degree. English Degree was done.. but wanted to finish the dual degree.) After a few months I did break down and call...
and I didn't know if I could handle the heartbreak
of finding the back of the card I gave him still in the shared locker we had at work (that was his.. but the lock was the same. I know I should not have opened it... but I did... and found it there with LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT... written all over the back of it...and the pain of knowing he too had an absolutely broken heart.)

Relevant fact... the Italian Mafia became involved in NY area supermarkets back in the 70s. Alot of their families continued to work in that industry and still do today.(Hopefully on the books and not running organized crime operations!) But the past was indeed shady in NY supermarkets! The meat packing unions were also known to be mob run... as were many other unions.

The thing of it is, one of my favorite aunts and uncles ( the 2nd fav and my first fav were the ones we were closer in proximity to so saw often), lived out on Eastern LI, about 50 miles East of us, and that Uncle was an Italian man my aunt had met after my Dad's brother's death from cancer. I don't remember my Dad's brother much, but my Aunt's second husband was a gem. He was the Dairy Manager at her local supermarket! After her husband died she struck up a romance and they got married.

So I had this wonderful, kind , actually soft spoken Italian man who was very handsome as my Uncle who had married into this large Irish family. as an example shown of a wonderful husband and father. He was the best father to my three cousins!

So I always say it was my best school friend and my Uncle that informed my taste in men! It was so lovely to go to the home of that Aunt and Uncle. They had a wonderful back deck with beautiful trees in their back yard- woods; and were close to the beach. It was a different world out there! What a peaceful sanctuary it was whenever we went, with wildlife as it was really quite out there and felt like country living near a beach. That particular Aunt is STILL one of the most loving and supportive! She pings me on Facebook with beautiful comments and its so lovely to be connected in that small way regularly with her!

Life is funny.

Now back to the present.

I am looking forward to getting into the Christmas Spirit! I will do so AS SOON as pay all my bills and know my budget. That has been the hold up. Trying to find out if can get an appt for DEC ( so should pay the $300 premium to maintain that existing health policy. Honestly if I can't get an appointment in DEC and I don't need any other medical needs I think I might just skip this month's payment and let it lapse. Its confusing as I was awarded medicaid for time being as well as my kid! I applied for us both mainly to get the kid with MCAS on it to get the medication needed for their care. I was awarded it too in a surprise based on CURRENT income.)

I might have only one month of this. DEC only if I get a job offer! (Might happen any day... or maybe not despite all the focus having been on that rather than really working on client business development. So shifting focus as perhaps I am MEANT to run my own company and there is some REASON nothing has stuck!)

OK onto my TO DO. I kinda whittled away this morning writing cause I so enjoy it and get caught up.....


VEC Efforts *yet again. Hell its money Worth it right?
Already did RSVP for business' development stuff. I have an event tonight with professional org- so have to check social media,

OH JUST REALIZE IT IS VIRTUAL OH YEAH! Iwas literally planning to have to drive as honestly even though I spend time pushing out all the marketing each day for past week or so, this is the ADHD brain and I forgot for a small moment. That is how it goes with ADHD

So can work on my to do ( the tech thing perhaps addressed today!)

until that event which is on line tonight.

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