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2022-12-09 - 8:48 a.m.

The local Christmas gathering with a business association was fun.

Imagine any Hallmark Christmas Movie.

I live in a small town.
The Christmas Party was in the county, on property in between two small towns about 15 to 20 miles from each other.

So 10 miles out from me is where the party was.

In my ADHD driving mode I have the propensity to often take the scenic route, long winding circuitous ways til find my way where intended to be. Its the way ADHD people even navigate their TO DO list- or anything it seems, driving not the exception! It is also why we are some of the most creative. That U-Turn in life? It often helps us discover something marvelous!

So last night's detour took me the the main road leading to the OTHER Town- not mine.

The other which is truly the most picturesque and lovely decorated town for Christmas which really is the perfect Hallmark Christmas Movie setting.

So here is how the party went:

Divorcee mom of 6, soon to be empty nester, who launched business enters the party where all the younger attractive business owners/representatives are enjoying wine in circles (yes literally) chatting.

Apparently there is no such thing as fashionably late anymore. As arrival time for the older divorcee was 6:03. I mean it was errie and felt bizarre to drive in at 6:03 up the long driveway having noticed there were no other cars headed that way! I really wondered if I had the date wrong as approaching on the long windy road to the winery. Then as driving up the long driveway I half expected it to be empty as saw no cars and found it just BIZARRE that the lot was indeed full and could see the folks in their casual business attire from the large glass windows of the beautiful room they were in. (It was a gorgeous building!! I first noticed that beautiful design. You could see in , so obviously when inside the sense would be of being part of the surrounding nature- much like Frank Lloyd Wright was aiming for in his designs at Falling Water et other places.)

Maybe that is because the WINE is the first part of the agenda, and these suavy business folks did not want to miss that!
It was funny to be the last to walk in at 6:05 in the awkward position of having to feel like an intruder into the social circles that already formed.

I mean the physical configuration of everyone was either already in a literal circle-
hard to casually come up and politely enter into conversation -
or they were getting a glass of vino , or waiting to do so from the pourer.

So I made eye contact and smiled in response with the one person with stellar welcoming and leadership skills. ( I think she won a recent election for Town Council. Of course I don't give too much a hoot about local politics and also felt silly as had I known for sure the "Congratulations!" would have been an easy conversation started. At least I knew her name so when appropriate could say a polite thank you and her name later on in the evening when crossed her path (for organizing this event).

There was a table with a silent auction- so rather than stand around really awkwardly too long it made sense to go start off bidding.

So bid away I did! One or two other folks put names down on the items but no one really was active there yet so it was the perfect opportunity to be supportive and bid on a heck ton of crap I knew I would not win any of- since no one was bidding yet! BRILLIANT MOVE for a poor gal!

Absolutely worked- Did not even worry a bit I would win anything unaffordable. I also only bid on items that were PRACTICAL.

Things could give as gifts or drag my family to enjoy as a family gift. ( Gift certificates at fancy restaurant for example. Nothing crazy. There was a stay at a B&B that honestly if I was WORKING I would have bid on in earnest! It was listed for 4 nights and the donors announced they were giving the winner seven nights. Seven nights in a beautiful mountain spot for $500 ( their family vacation home some where in WV). I know the couple who donated that. They live in my old tiny town. Sheesh So does an architect I said hello to.
Heck if I could land a week and just bring the kids away for a week for a family vacation in a drive that was affordable I would have jumped on that. It is likely close to skiing- I am guessing ? If so I would ski one day at least....

In any case. There is always next year ! Maybe by then I will have rocked my business or have a job with some money to budget a family trip to FL and something like that for us. I mean going away is always a healthy thing for families. EVEN if under the same roof every day - it changes the dynamic and communication I think to be out of home.

(For my kids beine home is their safe space to be in their rooms with the "Leave me Alone" teenage brain. I KNOW this is normal. BUT I would love to interact meaningfully doing something FUN with them on occasion and to be clear NOT playing video games. SURE they invite me to join and do that and I will, I have- as you have to be willing to enter your kids' world TOO- it has to be mutual respect and be willing to both give and take. BUT I envision them being gracious about doing something else with me someday other than just cooking or me entering their gaming bubble. I want to get them OUT Of that bubble into the wider world
and they act like their lives are none of my business
but if they remain in a bubble then I absolutely disagree!! Until they are CONTRIBUTING To this household as adults what they are doing (or not doing more particularly) IS MY BUSINESS.

I mean if they were productively working and paying rent... and doing chores.. hell then yEAH I have no business regarding their lives.

BUT as long as there is chronic illness and they are DEPENDENT on me, as caregiver, well hell yeah I still have business with what they are doing with their lives. I have to be involved-

Hell or the one won't get shit done that needs to get done. I mean if feels intrusive but I finally took action of follow up to help the kid arrange to get her wisdom teeth pulled cause you know she is not getting it done.

AND I heard from someone ( ok heard from my young lover-- what is he, now 36??) that once they pulled their wisdom teeth their chronic migraines they suffered with WENT AWAY. IBUT there are OTHER health issues that can be exasperated when you have compressed nerves from extra teeth and impacted teeth. I mean for a kid who has chronic pain already I feel like anything that can prevent more pain should be a priority. Like the immunotherapy to make allergy symptoms better; and remove wisdom teeth which are known to contribute to migraines which do run in this family.

* Turns out the kid has dental insurance from Dad which ENDS 12/31

So will see if can get an oral surgeon to do that THIS MONTH
(good luck, right... may be too late.)

This is one of those circuitous tangents. The kid is trying so hard to be independent and at some point I threw out the health insurance card I had for the older one ( dropped off it by DAD) which was a mistake as I don't have the younger ones insurance info! That sucks as she is difficult.
I told her to find out who the dental rider was with and she said the primary insurance company and argued with me there was any additional dental provider. I tried to explain how it works...
I told her NO there is also a dental insurer and If you want help you need to find out who that is.

She said she wanted help months ago.
When I took her to a dentist for a cleaning and check up I did HEAR the insurer. I have to trust my own memory. I finally go that info yesterday and I did hear it correctly.

So that is priority. I called and left a message with the oral surgeon office referred to and will call back pronto FIRST Thing
as well as call by for my medical appt.

THE ONE to do medically I achieved yesterday was the comparison of all plans and all providers used by me and one kid ( the kid who is also on Medicaid- who will likely be on that for a while unlike me) To cross check EACH specialist and see who takes what insurance.

I know my kid said what they picked and it is up to them- as an adult. BUT Since I am the one still paying the bills it made sense for me to do the analysis and send the Excel sheet to that 20 yr old with my input for consideration. ( They picked a good enough insurer. The allergist is not showing up on ANY of the insurance portals but truth be told I think her office does file claims with at least the one we currently have. I am sticking with them despite the BULLSHIT of them discriminating against my kid and actually filing that claim with office of civil rights for ONE REASON ONLY
My primary I have been to for years
and My OB GYN NOW seeing
and * this was swing factor... turns out a Psychologist IN TOWN who's house I noticed and looked up the specs on months ago and had an eye on to see if was taking new patients just HAPPENS To be associated with only one insurer. He signed an exclusivity agreement it turns out. ( I had a chat with him in which when I asked if he took either of two insurances he said "I don't know if you know how insurance works- but if in network with one can't be with others" HA HA I am sure he is a good psychologist- he is not a lawyer... so does not KNOW that ******LOUD BUZZ *****WRONGGGGG EVERYTHING Is negotiable. The Insurance companies WANT you to think that to be competitive and keep the business of folks like me who want to go with whomever is the insurer supporting the work of the Dr. one wants in the market.

YEAH So I am sticking with Anthem, despite some bastard being homophobic and crafting their approved codes to exclude "Gender Dysphoria" based on their religious belifs I am sure and the though they are helping kids.... They are misguided.

And I want a family therapist AND an individual therapist. They should not be the same person.
So makes most sense to try first for the local dude that takes my insurance to provider FAMILy Therapy...

SO I chose my insurance
and scheduled and session
and invited my kids.

The ones who live her.

The guy is so close I can walk. I walk my dog around the neighborhood and have noticed the house many times (more often on runs actually as he is just OUTSIDE of my immediate neighborhood in town). Maybe it was a hint that I am distinctly recalling one of the walks with Dr. Faucci when he got a call from his girlfriend and had to take it-
and I stood on the street enjoying all the blooming gardens ( I swear outside this therapists home) as I WAITED for Dr. Faucci to get off the phone as he couldn't just tell his girlfriend he was busy as he was occupied - NO he couldn't be HONEST with her about spending time with me...

That was a big red flag. ( I mean not my relationship- how he navigates that with his GF. BUT it was a real hint to me... that I should be treated with more respect when someone is ostensibly spending time with me. I mean it was a LONGish phone call... and it happened again a day we went canoeing and it gets old when someone is always preoccupied and anxious and has such trouble lettering go of that... and seems so enmeshed but won't actually introduce their partner to you their friend. It just seems so odd to me. I think it would be much healthier and more natural to let your significant other meet your friends and really welcome them into your world without compartmentalizing-- but that is just me I guess. I suppose it is complicated. I can't say bringing my DC lover into my world and visiting the winery which is one of the few places I go with any regularity- I mean for me a few times a year at the same place is regularity! HA I mean I stop maybe every two mos? BUT can't say that helped either of those relationships have greater sense of closeness....

Suppose it is just hard to maintain good friendships with ex lovers.... which is why trying to focus on nurturing my women friendships...

Ce la vie.. I don't like overthinking it and just like maintaining the friendships/relationships best I can I suppose and am not going to waste time in romantic/sexual relationships with emotionally unavailable me. * OH snap * I say that but have two lovers who are BOTH truly not interested in actual depth of relationship. They both really just want sex once in a while..
So that is what it is.
It is GOOD

I am not wasting time with them
I don't think
As both come into my life and we give each other actual genuine compassionate authentic connection and communication
then leave

and do it again weeks or months later without much communication (or none? at times) for weeks or months as moved...
I mean in part as one is working all the time and I think like me in a way has no great need or desire for more connection ( and choices as he is the one younger than me who is still figuring out what he wants next in life. I personally vote for him to get over being distant and learn more social skills to nurture a more real relationship and tell him so once in a while. I think I am a learning experience for him which will help him be ready when he next allows his heart to be open and considers the possibility that HE IS A WONDERFUL GUY WHO COULD BE AN AMAZING HUSBAND AND FATHER DESPITE THE FACT HIS WAS SHITTY
That is what it comes down to for him-- Having confidence he could do that well. In the meantime he is rocking what he does well which I suppose is itself healing for his sense of wholeness and sense of self. AND he is sober- he had realized some time ago that drinking was crutch, and pot smoking... and as a mid 30s man he saw too many of his friends ensnared in addiction and so decided not to allow substances to be a crutch at all. Completely sober for maybe two years now. (He was sober for three months when we first hooked up. He still has issues to figure out. He is at the right time of life I feel to do that personally so yeah the very occasional get together with him is just fine for what it is. I like having the consistency of a lover I see once in a while when either is so moved and someone without expectation of anything more. It is really this unique wonderful thing which is terrific if you are not the Hook up one night stand kinda person. That is too risky for my taste frankly! )

Truth be told I know that I am avoidant of greater intimacy as well.

But it is what it is for now.
And I do have what is the deeper, more central dating relationship with DC guy. It felt like we hit a cusp of perhaps going deeper and then he just clearly shut it down.

It was like I got the sense he was open to it. But then he blew it by making it crystal clear this is a friends with benefits. He just wants a good fuck.

I mean he traveled to Europe and booked a weekend at a spa town a lady he wanted to sleep with lives in. To travel to a town in Europe for a date...
unless he is actually in relationship with her. That was his story anyway.

Then he goes to his Jersey Shore weekend to purcolate a potnetial romance there.

He is just always seeking new sexual partner and says he is looking for THE ONE
He is looking for TRUE LOVE

and truth be told he will never find it til he opens himself up to it. He pushes people away when they get too close is what I observe.

So I still am open to maintining that relationship for what it is. HE IS willing to invest in time developing and nurturing our friendship.

His primary partner in life is his BEST friend ( who honestly I love too! SHE IS REMARKABLE!!). I could write of her for another hour..

But I won't

as time to get a cup of coffee and get dressed go for a nice walk with my dog and hit my TO DO List.

In fact screw the list and all that first.
FIRST- while still in PJS
GOING To call the office of the oral surgon AND the office for the procedure I was referred to to 1. inquire if they take our insurance and 2. Schedule appointments.

* Problem is the place I was referred ...a surgery center... DOES Not participate in my insurance. I am rather sure I need to get my Dr. To send the script and schedule that at my local hospital if she doesn't want to do it in office. I think she CAN but she said in this case she wants a surgeon who does this more often and is more experienced at this procedure to do this. She was honest about that. What she was not really transparent about is also the distinction that she sent me to an oncology specialist..I looked at what they do. They are also the CANCER specialists. So I get it that while I was not at all worried and thought this was routine and I did not need to rush that perhaps the Dr. - when she said "I am faxing over the prescription right away.. just call and schedule" had seen something that gives her a sense of more urgency to get this biopsy done.

It occurred to me later..
and now that I am.. well,, feeling actual pain.

yeah I feel this pain- from the fibroids and cyst and the funky extra growth of tissue that was supposed to shed each month but apparently has not in recent months. * I think it did in those months I was bleeding massive clots- which honestly the primary Dr. was like "It happens".
And the research initially was just showing the very COMMON response when it comes to women's health issues
"Oh yeah heavy bleeding is normal"
I mean I did see a nurse practitioner since that happened and mentioned it. And my Dr.

Maybe I should not be worried about switching insurers and finding a new doc? BUT TO BE FAIR MY Dr. IS NOT an OB/GYN and she did say I should see on.

To be fair Fibroids and cysts are really common and the biggest risk is infertility-which heck I need not worry about. Hell I was more concerned it possible I had been pregnant somehow! I mean my fertility has been high... and honestly I worried maybe something happened and that excessive bleeding that one occasion was an actual miscarriage to be honest. I mean it was SO MUCH blood and reminiscent of that. ( I did miscarry once. I don't think wrote about it at the time at all .)

BUT I think the fact my Dr. wants the biopsy at the office where they are also oncology experts for uterine cancer is because she is a GOOD Dr. but also perhaps as she is concerned of that possibility.
Once I read up on the practice I was like "Oh shit- maybe it is not just to remove the IUD." I mean she was like "Do you want to take out the IUD?"
She literally acted like it was a casual choice.

And I delayed as truth be told I had done the whole STD testing, as did young lover... and we kinda both wanted to be together again. I decided HECK not quite yet... let me remove that soon.. but just not THIS MONTH when can have at least one more fling ....
Fuck my fertility was always ridiculously high. Contact pregnancy... seven pregnancies.. so I like having the IUD!! But condoms work and I am vigilant for the most part... with rare exception...
BUT I am not in a monogamous relationships so condoms really important!! I can't PRETEND to have safety in my liaisons so they are necessary. I just have to keep remembering that. EVEN If with good men who are respectful I swear ALL MEN seem to have that desire for RAW sex.

REMINDER TO SELF TO KEEP BEING VIGILANT If you don't wear the rain hat you can not come out to play with me! Cause it does get awfully wet and stormy... yeah that is my joke. Wear the hat and keep it covered.

SO honestly I took my OB/GYN's casualness of manner and the question "Do you want to remove the IUD"? as AN OPTION

I was thinking.. "I said yes but really it is a NO Cause after years of not really having a regular lover I have two now. EVEN if I can't have a NORMAL relationship cause my kids have their NEED for this home to be THEIRS. FAIR ENOUGH they need to have a safe space to BE without others just now.

I can provide that.
I can be the adult.
And just enjoy my dating relationship and the lover.

BUT YEAH I NEED Those other things in my life other than just angsty teens figuring out their shit!!
It is not healthy for me to NOT have anyone else!!

So hell no I don't want to remove the IUD just yet. I have my couple of girlfriends I go walk outside with and visit with and my couple of lovers
But I don't even go OUT but for with the one guy (DC Guy) I actually date-
cause still trying to help my kids here the best I can.

And even if it may seem fucked up
I am prioritizing my dysfunctional family
but yeah the friends with benefits are important for some ME time-
as a woman
as a person
distinct from the roles in work or the role of mother!

I mean to go and sit with my lover/date and strum guitar together? THAT Moment meant the world to me.


so yeah The IUD can stay.

That was my thought. So I did not rush to schedule its removal...

Til I looked at my report from the last procedure.
and read of the cyst and fibroids more ( ah still un petubed) But THEN REad of the thickining of uteruse stuff.

Which is called PRECANCEROUS

I wasn't really focused on the ovarian cyst and the fibroids. I read they are really common. I wasn't worried about cancer. I thought my friend who has fibroids was overly dramatic and concerned acting like she could have cancer when this is a COMMON OCCURRANCE among women. BUT Then the more I think about it realized

women's healthcare is minimized.

Just because it is minimized and often IGNORED
NO it is not normal to have these growths and if you know they are there YEAH it makes sense to be sure not cancerous.

I lost the phone number she gave me. (OF COUSE) I DID Try to call somewhat soon after... it was closed. Then I called her office to get it again. I talked to someone and left a message and asked them to call me back. But I asked "Do you take Medicaid" As I had JUST been awarded that.

The office never called back.

I left a message on the machine asking them to call and if they take the Anthem policy.

NO call back.

So will try again, but it is not looking good. I think I will have to call my insurance and get a referral from the OB/GYN and get approved for the procedure at some facility the insurance company participates in ( not the OB/ pelvic surgery/oncology experts practice. I appreciate this Dr. but sometimes the best is not attainable with insurance and I will take "good enough" to get the procedure done ASAP at this point now that I feel pain.)

Ok enough procrastinating. Off to the calls.

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- - 2022-12-09


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