2022-12-15 - 8:43 a.m.
OK, thinking of Life Coach credentials
I did hire one who was trained at Georgetown who was phenomenal.
So today I think it interesting see in my email marketing for a life coach who works with parents of Queer Nurodivergent kids/family.
She started a Queer and Quirky Support Group.
I think this might be where I ordered a recent e book (its pretty good. So far nothing life changing and new but it is at least validating. Easy to feel may be falling short when have a moment of the kids acting really rude and juvenile- cause they are developmentally emotionally not like typical young adults their age. )
It is good to get emails about emotional support when have quirky family
Cause interestingly for me I don't have anyone in life really here offering me much of that at all.
It was very disappointing after my kids acted rude and would not be flexible enough that I could simply put on a Christmas movie with my two guests here one SAT night
but they were inflexible and protective of their time at the TV-
Really disrespectful and inaapropriate
I was shocked
but did not receive even a phone call from my friend equally uncomfortable. i mean its nice to have friends/ The one sent a text right away and that felt really supportive. Her text saying THANK you for having us over! It felt empathatic. Such a small thing
But the other- I mean this is the guy I am dating literally was not in communication for weeks. I next heard from him with some voicemail or text saying he was no up to get together about a week later ( I guess we mentioned possibility of doing something that night. I was glad was not anticipating and holding my breath... HA HA I would have called or reached out to him if felt like wanted to see him. But to be honest I felt a bit emotionally abandoned.
Maybe it was not right for me to have an expectation of him to offer some emotional support after what was in a way a shared and mortifying experience of how hard it is to parent neorodivergent kids (in pack)
I think it left him just shocked and uncomfortable
so maybe it was the best thing for him to keep that boundary of not being involved in my support if he couldn't be supportive and just be present and listen and be empathatic.
If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all was my mother's philosophy so I get that
BUT it is not emotionally connecting in the least
He is really not great at just being present it seems to me if there is discomfort.
So this is not a relationship more than a friendship for me. I think it is not really for me at all
I don't know
Its just odd. To get an invite to meet him out at a social event happening in my town tonight
I mean I saw a text last night about something happening out here tonight/
Its some meet up social group that he mentioned in past and asked if I would join him to go. He goes to meet up things of interest
I mean how can you talk in a loud bar at a social in group setting
Hard to really connect
So this is not about connection with me per se
That just feels disappointing.
Cause again more validation he is not that into ME
Not a conversation of him missing ME and wondering what WE would like to do together or of how WE can spend time together
I mean it just kinda sucks to have male friends who really only want me to be in their world to meet their needs.
SURE it meets my needs sometimes as well
But it feels rather shitty to not actually be included in their LIVES I mean meaningfully
but just an accoutrement. a little spice- and adornment to make their lives more interesting and fun
Like they come to me for the icing but don't want to put in the effort to first bake a cake.
That gets old for me.
I get really put off when a relationship is only icing- no substance.
Cause if no substance hell I can make decent icing on my own if it comes down to that/
OK Not really the same. It is better when accompanying a cake.
There is a richness to the contrast and the blending and differences and textures that surprise
I just knew he was going to be distant as he processes the reality of what it is like in my family sometimes/ (or always? IDK Reality is there is conflict when there is any introduction of some CHANGE something NEW someone NEW any disruption of status quo Transitions are hard Transition after high school is particularly hard and my kids AVOIDANT of moving into something new...
and yeah its atypical
BUT they also have chronic illness and that is very particular and unique
AS I am a CARETAKER as well for the most part for now
and maybe forever. That is life if you have children with chronic illness that need care taking. Either a parent does it or they move on and have relationships and partners that do it/ There ,will be times in life it shifts. For some they never need to rely on parents again after grow up and into other relationships
cause yeah disabled chronically ill are capable of moving on into their own lives
BUT the caveat is this
BUT Basic caretaking is a PART OF ALL RELATIONSHIPS
and truth be told I felt like while it was nice to host my friends and enjoy their company and I really was SO HAPPY to have them both here to share time with me.
I mean I should not bitch now about not having seen them or anyone else since...
I have friends/ I saw my other gal friend the night before as she came over/
BUT the thing is she was coming over for dinner and before we sat to eat she got a text and then was like "Oh I have to go"
It was really shitty
but she double booked.....sorta
and I understood//
A guy friend texted her he had venison to drop off/. He is a hunter who was bringing her some/ NOW the thing is she is not working/ She is the caretaker of her autistic adult son
It was about FOOD for her family
BOTTOM of the Maslow triangle
and it turned out it was also her Dad's BD and he would not come out to have dinner here ( he was invited too) but she thought she should get back home to meet the guy brining the deer meat and also be there for her Dad. So she left
But it was disappointing.
I think she may have also been uncomfortable cause my kids were not willing to come down to spend any time with her and her son. I mean while she was here the kids were upstairs/
I think she thought that as we enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner that maybe it was uncomfortable for THEM so she was trying to be empathetic and kind and decided perhaps she and her son should leave so that my KIDS could come down to enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner.
One did come to sit with me.
It is funny how LAST YEAR my one kid ( the one who did not come) Helped me cook and last year we had so much fun cooking all day and being on ZOOM with my friend in Ireland. It was such a blast even though in the cooking process it was typical bickering and banter and my kid (the autistic one) was as always somewhat obnoxious and rude at times
YES The friend in Ireland was not IN THE ROOM and was LAUGHING in response at just how funny and quirky and not in a mean way but totally GETTING IT
But he too is very obviously quirky
Meaning yeah... on the spectrum of neurodivergent somehow....
so he was enjoying OUR company by zoom as he drank his bottle of wine and his microwaved Turkey TV dinner in Dublin.
WE had so many laughs. I was filming like it was a cooking show we were giving.
FUNNY! BUT NOT IN PERSON!
Autism is a funny thing. BUT when we had this marvelous table full of food. We had made homemade pies and the Turkey and mashed potatoes and the whole thing... the kid made fresh fried naam
I mean it was am AMAZING spread and my kid said
"We should have had friends over!"
In the moment they mentioned my bestie too... literally suggested it would have been nice to have company
SO I figured this year I would TRY THAT
Well that was how that kid felt in that moment when it was all ready after they had done all the cooking. YES even anti social folks have moments of thinking after cooking they would love to share their food!
BUT it was not a sentiment that stuck
And no they did not really want company in our house.
And no one here has been welcoming of company really at all BUT THEy HAVE accepted and really like our tenant.
She is so lovely and so accepting and non judgemental of them that they really like her.
Thank goodness for that,
They do get out of the house to see their friends once in a blue moon. And there is a friend who the one has been seen cuddling with-
but not sure what is up with that realtionship
but there is signs of normal teenage dating
Oh the oldest mentioned I thikn she saw them kissing
That is good news
normal teenage relationship stuff
WHEW that is a relief to be sure that they are navigating NOT sure if that best friend is now a romance or if they were testing the waters or what but they might be boyfriend/girlfriend... IDK and I guess not my business of course anyway
But it is true they both have friends
and you know it is not true no one ever comes here cause the bestie of my other kid used to stop by once a week for a couple hrs but just those two other friends
OK so each of my now adult children DO each have ONE FRIEND who comes here once in a while
not for long
So yeah there is a bit of NORMALCY
I mean they are adults and basically my house rules honestly are come and go as you please and bring friends over whenever you want. I have an open door policy
BUT no one has energy to be entertaining much
So it is rare.
And I feel like the one kid's bestie was kind to show up and pull her friend out of bed and sleep and not doing much to hang and play video games together once in a while.
She has a good friend!
YEAH she has FRIENDS
So I needn't worry
And the older of the three who was so rude about the request that after our shared meal and watching a short film program
was going on about COVID and how it is not safe to bring folks over but that rant was nonsensical and an excuse cause that kid the very next day was being driven back to college by me and we had arranged weeks before for me to drop her off at HER best friends home for a couple hours to see him one last time before he heads off for military service
That band kid is going to be in the U.S. Navy Band. He is now at basic training or whatever they call it for the Navy.
SO the oldest of those three who were packing was just bascially reveling in the POWER Trip in the moment and full of shit by my estimate.
For that kid it was all about not being willing to compromise and the kids making ME HONOR My AGREEMENT
I had let them know I invited friends over for the meal and to watch the film festival program my oldest was in. ( I mean they are so over watching my son in anything he does/ just not interested and I suppose weirdly jealous or IDK not attached to him don't care... whatver... I dont get it.. They also did not act like it was important to go to each others games or concerts and this complete dismissal of emotionally supporitng and shareing accomplishemnets is a sad reality that they learned from their Dad and I have TRIED to teach otherwise
I mean I think it is HEALTHY For familes to support each other. I could not get the younger ones to go to the older ones chorus concerts at college with me either
OR the older ones to go to the younger one's BAND performances at the High school either ( much. I did get one to go to a football game once and to help volunteer with pit crew a bit. small success...)
I just find it so hard to get them to support and be PRESENT for EACH OTHER.
It is really sad
They all, like their Dad , will just not go do something they are not particularly interested in EVEN IF their loved one is doing it.
So narrow minded about how to share their time with others. So selfish in that way I think.
So I guess that is just what kinda makes me sad
That I have ENOUGH People in my immediate FAMILY like this.
It feels like the guy I am dating does a similar thing. HE fits me into HIS life by welcoming me when there is shared interest.
But there is not desire REALLY To enter my world and try to understand it or me.
But it is still disappointing.
I mean I would have liked to have someone INTERESTED in wanting to be here
WANTING to be with me enough that it was worth HELPING ME as I help these kids become more open to people entering their worlds/
FIRST by them accepting there will be others in MY WORLD that come here.
The young lover came here just a couple times now two years ago and over a year ago....
and the guy dating came here a couple times
my gal friend from DC here a couple times over the years know her (Twice)
ART was here a couple times
My friend I walk with was here once
and my bestie has been here a number of times
So it is not like I have never brought my friends here. I have but not with consistency or regularly
not anyone who was interested OR whom I was interested in having a more meaningful relationship.
I wanted to have the one gal her for a gals weekend but never found the right time. She had her own things to deal with and was busy-
and the guy I date in DC of course has his routines and things important to him
And I have My THINGS here in my community
It is just hard to have meaningful DEEP relationships as an adult when so much of your life is FIXED ( Family or JOB or other commitments) for the time being
One had to be willing to CHANGE and let go of some things if wnat to let anything else NEW GROW
I think that is the piece I am not seeing from the guy I am dating.
He doesn't allow space and meaningful time to grow into a deeper relationship as I am not prioritized. HE is prioritized or his time with his bestie. His best friend is the deeper more connected attached relationship for him clearly. He chose to ask his Ex wife to drive him for a surgery
OR maybe cause he is just insecure so after good sex like most men he feels connected-that THEN if we do make plans SOON he remains connected
and the distancing happens
cause connection happens when spend TIME TOGETHER
Plain and simple
Maybe it is because I don't have the energy for it.I am not able to facilitate it
I am not really sure.
But in any case
I have mixed feelings about his invite for tonight.
First of all he did have a surgery yesterday. He had told me it was scheduled after he had arranged it and arranged with his Ex wife to drive him there and back as he would not be able to drive.
BUT I did suggest that we meet at a park and get our dogs to meet as I am sure they would get used to each other. My dog is great with other dogs once she knows them. He is not so sure as his dog is triggered by other dogs
But he avoids his dog meeting other dogs it seems.
My thought honestly was get the dogs to know each other and just bring your dog here to hang out here with me
But considering his discomfort when my teens were not yielding to be flexible and standing their ground the night I had NEGOTIATED with them already that I was having friends over and I CALLED USE OF TV in living room to watch the films-
BUT then I DID NEGOTIATE that after my dinner and that they could do their thing.... and said "around 8"
My kid was like "8pm tv ours"
I mean I expected at 8pm that would be fine
But then the unexpected of my friends asking if we could watch a holiday movie AFTER the short film program was unexpected by me
They had come over at 3pm or 4 that day...
So it was typical of an autistic person to stand their ground and make me honor the ARGREEMENT
Most are flexible.
But it was NO MISTAKE also about POWER
cause we could have watched the Christmas movie and then the nocturnal teens who are up late anyway and who wake up late in day could have done their thing at 10
IF they were open to being flexible and sharing their space.
AND Would have been if it was not also about them REVELING in the opportunity to assert their power that this is their home too and they are adults and they expect to have as much AUTHORITy AND RESEPCCT As me
they wanted that to be the case
I was simply outnumbered in the moment and they did not like me taking control of the loving room AT ALL!!
AND make no mistake there is a bot of the aniety of gaming addciton too!! The 18 year old said "I have to do my dailys"
Which she is in denial is a bit of an addoction.
I encourage her to make a TO DO and tackle it with the same urgency of I HAVE TO GET THIS DONE BEFORE
THEN relax and play your game!
It is SO GRATIFYING when one figures out how to self regulate and self motivate.
BUT she has to walk her own walk and figure it out.
One step at a time.
Well, I will call DC Guy and see how it feels about hanging out tonight.
Honestly the best part about renting my basement is that.
FORCED family time out of the house, working together and then we get some treat together.
It is funny as I told the kids I loved that in the past and how we would get pizza or cannolis at the one pizza place
Its like the trauma brains FORGOT the good experiences.
That is apparently how trauma works for some
So disappointing as a mother however
HOW the good things WE did seem to be recalled negatively or not remembered at all!
Will see if they are all up for doing it tomorrow and then will talk to the DC guy about his invite to join him at this thing in a restaurant bar in my town.
FReaking short notice for me to have a guest here. I am TIRED after having worked a few days lots of hours in which housework of course was not priority
Heck I really would need to tackle my bedroom if were to have a guest here. I mean I can't see NOT inviting him to stay over if he heads to the thing here
But that is the mixed feelings
What the hell
Is he into ME
I am not quiet sure
and ours has fallen short of late.
And I think it is for me that after what for ME was a VERY emotionally challengeing experience of the kids being asses
to my friends TO HIM
I would have expected SOME communication about it.
To have NONE
seems AVOIDANT and weird
To go out in a public space where we can't talk is not going to be a way I can address that very well.
Nothing necessarily wrong with that.
But it is just disappointing that I don't have more emotional support.
Not sure it is him I need it from
and in the particular it was disappointing that he was avoidant after the uncomfortable experience.
I got a text from the young lover that Mon after the hideous display of rudeness that Sat night. I was so down and feeling sad when that text invite came in to go meet the young lover who I have not seen in a LONG time.
It was nice balm. Now that is carved out with clear boundaries that it is all about sex. YUP just a fling of getting together once in a blue moon
with that guy who is a sober recovering alcoholic learning how to navigate life sober
And I think is in the typical workaholic phase
Its of course all about his dealing of HIS life trauma
and he is so very sweet. The thing is it is all about sex and we see each other so infrequently but also emotionally really connect. He does talk about his world and I listen/ I talk about my world and he listens / and then we say bye
HE is very CLEAR he does not want a RELATIONSHIP other than occasional hook up.
It was so very therapeutic frankly. A great pick me up when down!
BUT the difference is the guy I am actually DATING has used terms indicating he wants to develop a RELATIONSHIP
He is inconsistent and gives mixed signals and acts like a boyfriend and then distances.
That kind of behavior makes me think I am not valued and perhaps wasting my time.
BUT I always find myself saying YES to invites and enjoying his companionship and when I want company I think of him and invite him too AND BUT FOR this time it WAS comfortable when I welcomed him into my world, my space here.
I likely should just stop overthinking it and talk to him.
But first need to circle back with kid who I told we would go to laundromat today. Maybe we can go early as I think the anticipated ice storm played out as what sounds like just rain now.
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