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2022-12-15 - 8:43 a.m.

OK, thinking of Life Coach credentials

I did hire one who was trained at Georgetown who was phenomenal.

So today I think it interesting see in my email marketing for a life coach who works with parents of Queer Nurodivergent kids/family.

She started a Queer and Quirky Support Group.

So I looked up the credential MCC after her name and found this,and%20well%2Drefined%20coaching%20techniques.

I think this might be where I ordered a recent e book (its pretty good. So far nothing life changing and new but it is at least validating. Easy to feel may be falling short when have a moment of the kids acting really rude and juvenile- cause they are developmentally emotionally not like typical young adults their age. )

It is good to get emails about emotional support when have quirky family

Cause interestingly for me I don't have anyone in life really here offering me much of that at all.

It was very disappointing after my kids acted rude and would not be flexible enough that I could simply put on a Christmas movie with my two guests here one SAT night

but they were inflexible and protective of their time at the TV-
And pullling power of packing together to essentially have the priority of its use in what is my home

Really disrespectful and inaapropriate

I was shocked

but did not receive even a phone call from my friend equally uncomfortable. i mean its nice to have friends/ The one sent a text right away and that felt really supportive. Her text saying THANK you for having us over! It felt empathatic. Such a small thing

But the other- I mean this is the guy I am dating literally was not in communication for weeks. I next heard from him with some voicemail or text saying he was no up to get together about a week later ( I guess we mentioned possibility of doing something that night. I was glad was not anticipating and holding my breath... HA HA I would have called or reached out to him if felt like wanted to see him. But to be honest I felt a bit emotionally abandoned.

Maybe it was not right for me to have an expectation of him to offer some emotional support after what was in a way a shared and mortifying experience of how hard it is to parent neorodivergent kids (in pack)

I think it left him just shocked and uncomfortable

so maybe it was the best thing for him to keep that boundary of not being involved in my support if he couldn't be supportive and just be present and listen and be empathatic.

If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all was my mother's philosophy so I get that
it too is familiar

BUT it is not emotionally connecting in the least

And it is just feeling a bit crappy to really be not at all supported by him at all after the negative experience that we had together.

He is really not great at just being present it seems to me if there is discomfort.
Just seems he leaves to protect his own comfort.
He is looking to connect with others not so fully but at a more surface level-only when it is fun it feel like. AT LEAST when it comes to ME.

So this is not a relationship more than a friendship for me. I think it is not really for me at all

I don't know

Its just odd. To get an invite to meet him out at a social event happening in my town tonight
at the last minute

I mean I saw a text last night about something happening out here tonight/

Its some meet up social group that he mentioned in past and asked if I would join him to go. He goes to meet up things of interest

I mean how can you talk in a loud bar at a social in group setting

Hard to really connect
seems to me

So this is not about connection with me per se

That just feels disappointing.

Cause again more validation he is not that into ME

Not a conversation of him missing ME and wondering what WE would like to do together or of how WE can spend time together

I mean it just kinda sucks to have male friends who really only want me to be in their world to meet their needs.

SURE it meets my needs sometimes as well

But it feels rather shitty to not actually be included in their LIVES I mean meaningfully

but just an accoutrement. a little spice- and adornment to make their lives more interesting and fun

Like they come to me for the icing but don't want to put in the effort to first bake a cake.

That gets old for me.

I get really put off when a relationship is only icing- no substance.

Cause if no substance hell I can make decent icing on my own if it comes down to that/

OK Not really the same. It is better when accompanying a cake.
I guess that is the point

There is a richness to the contrast and the blending and differences and textures that surprise

I just knew he was going to be distant as he processes the reality of what it is like in my family sometimes/ (or always? IDK Reality is there is conflict when there is any introduction of some CHANGE something NEW someone NEW any disruption of status quo Transitions are hard Transition after high school is particularly hard and my kids AVOIDANT of moving into something new...

and yeah its atypical
and some might think fuckedup

BUT they also have chronic illness and that is very particular and unique
So yeah life looks different

AS I am a CARETAKER as well for the most part for now

and maybe forever. That is life if you have children with chronic illness that need care taking. Either a parent does it or they move on and have relationships and partners that do it/ There ,will be times in life it shifts. For some they never need to rely on parents again after grow up and into other relationships

cause yeah disabled chronically ill are capable of moving on into their own lives

BUT the caveat is this
they need caretaking
Either need to somehow find work to be able to PAY for it (being an engineer a good plan for my one kid!)
OR they develop relationships and others love them enough to provide caretaking


and truth be told I felt like while it was nice to host my friends and enjoy their company and I really was SO HAPPY to have them both here to share time with me.

I mean I should not bitch now about not having seen them or anyone else since...

I have friends/ I saw my other gal friend the night before as she came over/

BUT the thing is she was coming over for dinner and before we sat to eat she got a text and then was like "Oh I have to go"

It was really shitty
and kinda rude

but she double booked.....sorta

and I understood//

A guy friend texted her he had venison to drop off/. He is a hunter who was bringing her some/ NOW the thing is she is not working/ She is the caretaker of her autistic adult son
and money is tight/ SO she NEEDED To prioritize that

It was about FOOD for her family

BOTTOM of the Maslow triangle

and it turned out it was also her Dad's BD and he would not come out to have dinner here ( he was invited too) but she thought she should get back home to meet the guy brining the deer meat and also be there for her Dad. So she left

But it was disappointing.

I think she may have also been uncomfortable cause my kids were not willing to come down to spend any time with her and her son. I mean while she was here the kids were upstairs/

I think she thought that as we enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner that maybe it was uncomfortable for THEM so she was trying to be empathetic and kind and decided perhaps she and her son should leave so that my KIDS could come down to enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner.

One did come to sit with me.
The other did not.

It is funny how LAST YEAR my one kid ( the one who did not come) Helped me cook and last year we had so much fun cooking all day and being on ZOOM with my friend in Ireland. It was such a blast even though in the cooking process it was typical bickering and banter and my kid (the autistic one) was as always somewhat obnoxious and rude at times

YES The friend in Ireland was not IN THE ROOM and was LAUGHING in response at just how funny and quirky and not in a mean way but totally GETTING IT

But he too is very obviously quirky

Meaning yeah... on the spectrum of neurodivergent somehow....

so he was enjoying OUR company by zoom as he drank his bottle of wine and his microwaved Turkey TV dinner in Dublin.

WE had so many laughs. I was filming like it was a cooking show we were giving.

So my kid is great when on a ZOOM CALL


Autism is a funny thing. BUT when we had this marvelous table full of food. We had made homemade pies and the Turkey and mashed potatoes and the whole thing... the kid made fresh fried naam

I mean it was am AMAZING spread and my kid said

"We should have had friends over!"

In the moment they mentioned my bestie too... literally suggested it would have been nice to have company

SO I figured this year I would TRY THAT

Well that was how that kid felt in that moment when it was all ready after they had done all the cooking. YES even anti social folks have moments of thinking after cooking they would love to share their food!

BUT it was not a sentiment that stuck

And no they did not really want company in our house.

And no one here has been welcoming of company really at all BUT THEy HAVE accepted and really like our tenant.

She is so lovely and so accepting and non judgemental of them that they really like her.

Thank goodness for that,

They do get out of the house to see their friends once in a blue moon. And there is a friend who the one has been seen cuddling with-
I think my oldest who was here once... I forget when now. but the oldest did visit

but not sure what is up with that realtionship

but there is signs of normal teenage dating

Oh the oldest mentioned I thikn she saw them kissing

That is good news

normal teenage relationship stuff

WHEW that is a relief to be sure that they are navigating NOT sure if that best friend is now a romance or if they were testing the waters or what but they might be boyfriend/girlfriend... IDK and I guess not my business of course anyway

But it is true they both have friends

and you know it is not true no one ever comes here cause the bestie of my other kid used to stop by once a week for a couple hrs but just those two other friends
and the college students best friend comes to visit

OK so each of my now adult children DO each have ONE FRIEND who comes here once in a while

not for long
not often
on occassion they have had their friend stay over....
yeah on occassion

So yeah there is a bit of NORMALCY

I mean they are adults and basically my house rules honestly are come and go as you please and bring friends over whenever you want. I have an open door policy
and they know that

BUT no one has energy to be entertaining much
or even to go out much

So it is rare.

And I feel like the one kid's bestie was kind to show up and pull her friend out of bed and sleep and not doing much to hang and play video games together once in a while.

She has a good friend!
OK even friends.... She did go out with a group of them three or four recently. Friends from band

and sees them once in a while

Not often.
But that is enough and she is content.

So I needn't worry

And the older of the three who was so rude about the request that after our shared meal and watching a short film program
that we also put on a Christmas movie

was going on about COVID and how it is not safe to bring folks over but that rant was nonsensical and an excuse cause that kid the very next day was being driven back to college by me and we had arranged weeks before for me to drop her off at HER best friends home for a couple hours to see him one last time before he heads off for military service

That band kid is going to be in the U.S. Navy Band. He is now at basic training or whatever they call it for the Navy.

SO the oldest of those three who were packing was just bascially reveling in the POWER Trip in the moment and full of shit by my estimate.

For that kid it was all about not being willing to compromise and the kids making ME HONOR My AGREEMENT
that we had made prior

I had let them know I invited friends over for the meal and to watch the film festival program my oldest was in. ( I mean they are so over watching my son in anything he does/ just not interested and I suppose weirdly jealous or IDK not attached to him don't care... whatver... I dont get it.. They also did not act like it was important to go to each others games or concerts and this complete dismissal of emotionally supporitng and shareing accomplishemnets is a sad reality that they learned from their Dad and I have TRIED to teach otherwise
That to me is so fucked up

I mean I think it is HEALTHY For familes to support each other. I could not get the younger ones to go to the older ones chorus concerts at college with me either

OR the older ones to go to the younger one's BAND performances at the High school either ( much. I did get one to go to a football game once and to help volunteer with pit crew a bit. small success...)

I just find it so hard to get them to support and be PRESENT for EACH OTHER.

It is really sad

They all, like their Dad , will just not go do something they are not particularly interested in EVEN IF their loved one is doing it.

So narrow minded about how to share their time with others. So selfish in that way I think.
Hell one would not even consider going to their own graduation.

So I guess that is just what kinda makes me sad

That I have ENOUGH People in my immediate FAMILY like this.

It feels like the guy I am dating does a similar thing. HE fits me into HIS life by welcoming me when there is shared interest.
Maybe that is enough?

But there is not desire REALLY To enter my world and try to understand it or me.
My family is dysfunctional/

But it is still disappointing.

I mean I would have liked to have someone INTERESTED in wanting to be here

WANTING to be with me enough that it was worth HELPING ME as I help these kids become more open to people entering their worlds/

FIRST by them accepting there will be others in MY WORLD that come here.

The young lover came here just a couple times now two years ago and over a year ago....

and the guy dating came here a couple times

my gal friend from DC here a couple times over the years know her (Twice)

ART was here a couple times

My friend I walk with was here once

and my bestie has been here a number of times

So it is not like I have never brought my friends here. I have but not with consistency or regularly

not anyone who was interested OR whom I was interested in having a more meaningful relationship.

I wanted to have the one gal her for a gals weekend but never found the right time. She had her own things to deal with and was busy-
and then I rented the basement so its hard to host her now. Well can't NO room for a guest and that makes it hard to nurture that friendship. She also has her routines and the things SHE does in DC -some on weekends

and the guy I date in DC of course has his routines and things important to him
His exercise
and his social groups in

And I have My THINGS here in my community
My Church
which are My priority

It is just hard to have meaningful DEEP relationships as an adult when so much of your life is FIXED ( Family or JOB or other commitments) for the time being

One had to be willing to CHANGE and let go of some things if wnat to let anything else NEW GROW

I think that is the piece I am not seeing from the guy I am dating.

He doesn't allow space and meaningful time to grow into a deeper relationship as I am not prioritized. HE is prioritized or his time with his bestie. His best friend is the deeper more connected attached relationship for him clearly. He chose to ask his Ex wife to drive him for a surgery
*HE asked me a month or two ago and then cancelled and rescheduled.
He asked me to come over and stay and bring him to the airport once then cancelled and rescheduled
MAYBE cause he really figured out he was just USING ME? For convenience and to help HIM in these moments but not cause he is realty invested in emotionally deeper connection can actually sharing of his life at a more connected authentic level?

OR maybe cause he is just insecure so after good sex like most men he feels connected-that THEN if we do make plans SOON he remains connected
BUT the window of opportunity for GROWTH Together emotionally passes if we don't see each other soon enough

and the distancing happens

cause connection happens when spend TIME TOGETHER

Plain and simple

Maybe it is because I don't have the energy for it.I am not able to facilitate it
I don't have the excitement and enthusiasm either to push to see him more.

I am not really sure.

But in any case

I have mixed feelings about his invite for tonight.

First of all he did have a surgery yesterday. He had told me it was scheduled after he had arranged it and arranged with his Ex wife to drive him there and back as he would not be able to drive.
They share their dog more amicably than some can figure out how to share kids.
*Oh yeah he is committed to his bestie- his dog. So he arranges to do things with me when I come in but around fitting in picking up the dog for a walk. Part of his life and he is committed to that. He talked once about getting his own dog and distancing from that
but honestly WHY? To be honest I did not see the point.
He is just friends with his ex wife
so why do that? Cause someone might be jealous he loves his dog? PLEASE.... so ridiculous

BUT I did suggest that we meet at a park and get our dogs to meet as I am sure they would get used to each other. My dog is great with other dogs once she knows them. He is not so sure as his dog is triggered by other dogs
(To me it appears however his dog is like any other and wants to MEET other dogs so it seems to me a typical dog excitement barking thing.)

But he avoids his dog meeting other dogs it seems.
except the few the dog has gotten to know that he has his dog play with ( his sister's dog)

My thought honestly was get the dogs to know each other and just bring your dog here to hang out here with me

But considering his discomfort when my teens were not yielding to be flexible and standing their ground the night I had NEGOTIATED with them already that I was having friends over and I CALLED USE OF TV in living room to watch the films-
and it was no negotiable

BUT then I DID NEGOTIATE that after my dinner and that they could do their thing.... and said "around 8"

My kid was like "8pm tv ours"
and I was like SURE

I mean I expected at 8pm that would be fine

But then the unexpected of my friends asking if we could watch a holiday movie AFTER the short film program was unexpected by me

They had come over at 3pm or 4 that day...

So it was typical of an autistic person to stand their ground and make me honor the ARGREEMENT

Most are flexible.
They were not

But it was NO MISTAKE also about POWER

cause we could have watched the Christmas movie and then the nocturnal teens who are up late anyway and who wake up late in day could have done their thing at 10

IF they were open to being flexible and sharing their space.

AND Would have been if it was not also about them REVELING in the opportunity to assert their power that this is their home too and they are adults and they expect to have as much AUTHORITy AND RESEPCCT As me

they wanted that to be the case

I was simply outnumbered in the moment and they did not like me taking control of the loving room AT ALL!!
It is their sancuary for gaming HA HA

AND make no mistake there is a bot of the aniety of gaming addciton too!! The 18 year old said "I have to do my dailys"
her gaming things

Which she is in denial is a bit of an addoction.

I encourage her to make a TO DO and tackle it with the same urgency of I HAVE TO GET THIS DONE BEFORE
then playing the game
I encourage her to try to use the dopamine hit of the gaming as the reward to look forward to after she tackles HER daily to do of things like:

Get up
do dishes
fill out a job application (finish the one 90% Done)
fill out a college application (redo the common app you had 90% done last year)
take the dog for a walk for YOUR Daily fresh Air VIT D and exercise


THEN relax and play your game!

It is SO GRATIFYING when one figures out how to self regulate and self motivate.

BUT she has to walk her own walk and figure it out.

One step at a time.

Well, I will call DC Guy and see how it feels about hanging out tonight.
I WAS intending to go to the laudromat tonight but can do that tomorrow. That is our whole family outing.
I kinda love that we have to all go do it together.It gets us out doing SOMETHING together.

Honestly the best part about renting my basement is that.

FORCED family time out of the house, working together and then we get some treat together.

It is funny as I told the kids I loved that in the past and how we would get pizza or cannolis at the one pizza place
and one said
"no we didn't"
Someone was asking about pizza and I mentioned the place and the kid was like- we never went there. AND I said YES we did when doing laundry REGULARLY
that was the context of the conversation

Its like the trauma brains FORGOT the good experiences.

That is apparently how trauma works for some

So disappointing as a mother however

HOW the good things WE did seem to be recalled negatively or not remembered at all!

I have to consult with kids as already told one I wanted to go do laundry tonight.

Will see if they are all up for doing it tomorrow and then will talk to the DC guy about his invite to join him at this thing in a restaurant bar in my town.

FReaking short notice for me to have a guest here. I am TIRED after having worked a few days lots of hours in which housework of course was not priority

Heck I really would need to tackle my bedroom if were to have a guest here. I mean I can't see NOT inviting him to stay over if he heads to the thing here

But that is the mixed feelings

What the hell
do you want to really spend time with me or am I just a convenience as hoping for a crash pad as there is a group meeting here that you want to go to a meeting of??

Is he into ME
or just USING Me as he wants some friend in this neck of the woods for convivence?

I am not quiet sure
CAUSE I CLEARLY NEED COMMUNICAITON to feel emotionally connected

and ours has fallen short of late.

And I think it is for me that after what for ME was a VERY emotionally challengeing experience of the kids being asses

to my friends TO HIM

I would have expected SOME communication about it.

To have NONE
to have no expression of how he felt OR
no inquiry to how I was feeling

seems AVOIDANT and weird

To go out in a public space where we can't talk is not going to be a way I can address that very well.

We had one conversation but it was like he gave me his update and was like "gotta go"

OK ...
HE is setting his boundaries while keeping me in his life at his comfort level. I get that

Nothing necessarily wrong with that.
Cause YES I enjoy time with him and the relationship we have for what it is.

But it is just disappointing that I don't have more emotional support.
Plain and simple.

Not sure it is him I need it from

and in the particular it was disappointing that he was avoidant after the uncomfortable experience.

But hell

I got a text from the young lover that Mon after the hideous display of rudeness that Sat night. I was so down and feeling sad when that text invite came in to go meet the young lover who I have not seen in a LONG time.

It was nice balm. Now that is carved out with clear boundaries that it is all about sex. YUP just a fling of getting together once in a blue moon

with that guy who is a sober recovering alcoholic learning how to navigate life sober

And I think is in the typical workaholic phase

Its of course all about his dealing of HIS life trauma

and he is so very sweet. The thing is it is all about sex and we see each other so infrequently but also emotionally really connect. He does talk about his world and I listen/ I talk about my world and he listens / and then we say bye

HE is very CLEAR he does not want a RELATIONSHIP other than occasional hook up.

It was so very therapeutic frankly. A great pick me up when down!

BUT the difference is the guy I am actually DATING has used terms indicating he wants to develop a RELATIONSHIP

He is inconsistent and gives mixed signals and acts like a boyfriend and then distances.
and it is open
but it feels disappointing to know he acts honestly like he is always on the prowl. That is the part that is hurtful. Like WHAT THE FUCK?
I am all for open relationships as I don't believe in boxing people in.
But that is very different than when your partner is ACTIVELY looking for someone more exciting.

That kind of behavior makes me think I am not valued and perhaps wasting my time.

BUT I always find myself saying YES to invites and enjoying his companionship and when I want company I think of him and invite him too AND BUT FOR this time it WAS comfortable when I welcomed him into my world, my space here.
It is what it is....

I likely should just stop overthinking it and talk to him.

But first need to circle back with kid who I told we would go to laundromat today. Maybe we can go early as I think the anticipated ice storm played out as what sounds like just rain now.
I do have a work thing at 3pm.
That is the constraint. Working from 3 to 5. AH and time to get up and out and visit the client locally I am also going to do work for. YEAH Today I have some things to do...

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