2022-12-15 - 11:10 a.m.
OMG IT is raining and I have a headache again.
I thought perhaps a caffeine headache
But if so that really sucks as then that means my ONE cup of coffee a day for three days is enough to give me caffeine withdrawal if I miss it!
Maybe dehydration. I think that is a very common cause of headaches. In fact the caffeine in coffee can contribute to that.
AH SO I am rethinking my plan for day.
That was cause Wed was scheduled with two medical appointments for kid starting at 11:50 am.
I honestly just did not want the stress of a deadline looming so preferred to increase short term stress of having the earlier set deadline ( I set the expectation ) so I could then focus on the kids needs on WED without distraction of work at all. So i got the work for one client done Mon and when other job came in Mon night just wanted to knock it off.
BUt the thing is - it took more than time I had reasonably available UNLESS I slept less.
I could have avoided that by setting a later deadline ( of today)
But I still feel like for MY STRESS management that what I did worked BETTER for me.
cause My body goes into immediate STRESS MODE sometimes with any pending deadline.
I FEEL the anxiety state.
Now when I worked FULL Time or MORE hours in workaholic mode I did not know I was ALWAYS in that state.
I set boundaries and carved out my life to not be in that state.
And it worked.
The first reset was taking the job for a govt entity rather than corporate.
Govt shops work strict 8-4 hours AND some get a whole ACTUAL HOUR of lunch break like clockwork! I mean amazing! 35 hr work weeks full time.
It was FABULOUS
* My one co worker quit as he was so not acclimated to NOT being a workaholic. HAHA
I let my body get used to it
And soon the work got busier anyway
I am so trying to avoid workaholism.
But working hard a couple days to be OFF and more fully relaxed and present the others is not bad...
BUT still not the best balance.
And I ended up working non stop UNTIL NOON and taking the kid to her allergy appointment late anyway yesterday just to get that deliverable out the door. LATE
I did send an email ... but did not deliver when I hoped to and initially said I would.
It just was not DONE BEFORE THEN
So two things to do better:
ESTIMATE TIME FOR A TASK BETTER
I can always deliver earlier.
Now today I decided to just hydrate. DRINK WATER and rest a bit. I am not feeling the energy to go meet the new client in town. (Where they bid on my work!) I have a nice repoire from the Christmas dinner last week and wanted to stop in today. They said just come by whenever!
But I think I will do that and laundry tomorrow. Now will rest and then do my work at 3pm. If any energy will do some basic cleaning- my bathroom and straighten my room in the even I DO decided to meet my guy friend cause I want to have a welcoming space in event he would like to stay over.
Now that I vented to myself HA HA ( and you DairyLand world of support HA HA) I got it out of my system the disappointment of his perceived recent distancing after seeing the real lives of my neurodivergent family- my life!
Hell our first date ever was one in which I brought my autistic kid with me. So he knew from the get go the issues. We are alot. He has been VERY ACCEPTING AND EVEN VERY GRACIOUS!!
I mean he has really been wonderful when here and when interacting with my kids. He just left and kept that healthy boundary of not being involved in my parenting and navigating the issue when it arose. That was HEALTHY
So I can't complain about him.
I used to distance myself as thought honestly I thought I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I mean really. I think that was my own insecurity and I am over that now. So now in this space I am in emotionally I am more aware when others are keeping distance. I SENSE when there is just busy lives and we don't talk and are just busy so will catch up next week or in two weeks etc...
BUT There is clear sense when one is not making EFFORT to communicate as well. I know when avoidance is happening.
but wanting to understand his dance of close then distancing
I assessed YES
but then there is the fact of my ENERGY MY SPOONS As the dysautonomia community calls them, are just somewhat limited.
Is it worth my time if he is a PLAYER only if I am not attached more deeply if the time with him brings joy and makes my life better than without time with him
BUT then is that just not allowing possibility of more in my life?
Therein lies the question.
I mean I am no fool.
I mean he is overt about that
Not sending any mixed signals of wanting a commitment at all-
Thanksgiving with his best friend brought to his sisters
I get tired.
And I have laundry to do and my priority is do it when kids are coming so it is shared in both work load and shared time WITH THEM AND I AM SCHEDULED TO WORK THIS WEEKEND
So after a couple days of up late and up early to work.
But my rest/recovery time might only need to be short OR I might need more:
So the last minute invite kinda sucks.
When you are priority to someone you are not the last min Thu night invite.
BUT DO I WANT MORE?
So yeah it is IMPORTANT to me to have a NORMAL relationship with a guy with home we can each give and take and EACH share time in the other person's world in their home.
I am just so done with extending myself to join a man in his world without that reciprocity.
and who I decided NO I would not and can not commit to due to his alcoholism.
But also it is hard when one has health issue themself! I mean I lost sleep but I did still get to bed by midnight and up at 8 the one night Seven hours for most people one night would not throw their energy off as much as it throws mine off. I may not have diagnosis of all issues-- but clearly there is SOME disabling condition requiring more sleep for me to function! I mean I have always needed to prioritize sleep.
So part of it is with chronic illness it just makes it harder to navigate relationships and with neurodivergent brain it is harder to navigate relationships. ( Simple things for others are harder- like I see texts WHO KNOWS when? and my pleas to CALL ME as preferred means of communication fall on deaf ears. I mean really, if DC guy Really wants my company tonight he could have called me land line.)
A friend posted this on FB this week. I am going to copy and paste here cause it resonates. OF course it was one of those viral asking to be reposted please. THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR LONG LOST AND UNKNOWN by my friend.
"Hot tip, if you get into a committed relationship with someone that has chronic health issues please please please understand that that person may not be able to do anything for themselves for weeks to months at a time and a large burden is going to fall on you. Take the time to make sure you're able to handle it before you commit.
SO yeah... I think the reality of my world is a hard thing to navigate in relationships with others.
So be it..
So I suppose that makes me grateful for the relationships I have
so be it.
I am still grateful despite challenges that it would be NICE to have more again someday.
Time to drink more water and just nap before I need to do some work at 3pm attending a seminar and taking notes to give a report of some reg updates to a CEO.
Grateful to have that work that I can do.
Feel better today than did the past few for sure! Have energy at least! - 2022-12-17
AH Now time for meditaiton - 2022-12-16
More information on endometrial hyperplasia HMM Apparently it is RARE - 2022-12-16
Headache still persists! - 2022-12-16
Happy talked to my guy. I guess needed that - for my emotional need in this relationship. - 2022-12-15