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2022-12-15 - 11:10 a.m.

OMG IT is raining and I have a headache again.
I have been getting headaches lately which is honestly unusual for me.
But they have been happening in recent weeks.

I thought perhaps a caffeine headache
And it could be.

But if so that really sucks as then that means my ONE cup of coffee a day for three days is enough to give me caffeine withdrawal if I miss it!

Maybe dehydration. I think that is a very common cause of headaches. In fact the caffeine in coffee can contribute to that.

AH SO I am rethinking my plan for day.
In part I think I did not get enough sleep when work came in on Mon and I promised to deliver by Tue.
I pushed myself hard.

That was cause Wed was scheduled with two medical appointments for kid starting at 11:50 am.

I honestly just did not want the stress of a deadline looming so preferred to increase short term stress of having the earlier set deadline ( I set the expectation ) so I could then focus on the kids needs on WED without distraction of work at all. So i got the work for one client done Mon and when other job came in Mon night just wanted to knock it off.

BUt the thing is - it took more than time I had reasonably available UNLESS I slept less.

So yeah
I stayed up late and got up early to get it done.

I could have avoided that by setting a later deadline ( of today)

But I still feel like for MY STRESS management that what I did worked BETTER for me.

cause My body goes into immediate STRESS MODE sometimes with any pending deadline.

I FEEL the anxiety state.

Now when I worked FULL Time or MORE hours in workaholic mode I did not know I was ALWAYS in that state.

I set boundaries and carved out my life to not be in that state.

And it worked.

The first reset was taking the job for a govt entity rather than corporate.

Govt shops work strict 8-4 hours AND some get a whole ACTUAL HOUR of lunch break like clockwork! I mean amazing! 35 hr work weeks full time.


* My one co worker quit as he was so not acclimated to NOT being a workaholic. HAHA

I let my body get used to it
and let my mind get used to it

And soon the work got busier anyway
so soon was back in workaholic mode in that space. Cause I was the overachiever who folks gave more and more things to manage cause I got them done.

I am so trying to avoid workaholism.

But working hard a couple days to be OFF and more fully relaxed and present the others is not bad...

BUT still not the best balance.

And I ended up working non stop UNTIL NOON and taking the kid to her allergy appointment late anyway yesterday just to get that deliverable out the door. LATE

I did send an email ... but did not deliver when I hoped to and initially said I would.

It just was not DONE BEFORE THEN

So two things to do better:


I can always deliver earlier.
Thank God for the flexibility of the allergy shot. They really set times to manage flow but don't really mind if the kid shows up earlier or later. He shot was pulled and ready for 11:50 but they were OK with her getting there at 12:30. I knew this- they are terrific and we do best to honor the scheduled time but it was so helpful to get my deliverable to my client and then be able to be DONE with work for the day.

Now today I decided to just hydrate. DRINK WATER and rest a bit. I am not feeling the energy to go meet the new client in town. (Where they bid on my work!) I have a nice repoire from the Christmas dinner last week and wanted to stop in today. They said just come by whenever!

But I think I will do that and laundry tomorrow. Now will rest and then do my work at 3pm. If any energy will do some basic cleaning- my bathroom and straighten my room in the even I DO decided to meet my guy friend cause I want to have a welcoming space in event he would like to stay over.

Now that I vented to myself HA HA ( and you DairyLand world of support HA HA) I got it out of my system the disappointment of his perceived recent distancing after seeing the real lives of my neurodivergent family- my life!

Hell our first date ever was one in which I brought my autistic kid with me. So he knew from the get go the issues. We are alot. He has been VERY ACCEPTING AND EVEN VERY GRACIOUS!!

I mean he has really been wonderful when here and when interacting with my kids. He just left and kept that healthy boundary of not being involved in my parenting and navigating the issue when it arose. That was HEALTHY

So I can't complain about him.

I used to distance myself as thought honestly I thought I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
No man could possibly be up to dealing with all of us.
I thought I was helping the guy who loved us all by saying NO to his proposal.

I mean really. I think that was my own insecurity and I am over that now. So now in this space I am in emotionally I am more aware when others are keeping distance. I SENSE when there is just busy lives and we don't talk and are just busy so will catch up next week or in two weeks etc...

BUT There is clear sense when one is not making EFFORT to communicate as well. I know when avoidance is happening.

but wanting to understand his dance of close then distancing
and if it is WORTH My time to invest in relationship with him

I assessed YES

but then there is the fact of my ENERGY MY SPOONS As the dysautonomia community calls them, are just somewhat limited.

Is it worth my time if he is a PLAYER only if I am not attached more deeply if the time with him brings joy and makes my life better than without time with him
so it is what it is

BUT then is that just not allowing possibility of more in my life?

Therein lies the question.

I mean I am no fool.
I get it he would love to see me Thu night for this group thing... he keeps me in his life at his comfort level as an OPTION.
and his Friday is free for his dates
as he is searching

I mean he is overt about that

Not sending any mixed signals of wanting a commitment at all-

Thanksgiving with his best friend brought to his sisters
He traveled and when came back went to movies with his bestie
I mean he is more attached and committed to his best friend which is healthy and great-
it is a question for me of investment of MY ENERGY And

I get tired.

And I have laundry to do and my priority is do it when kids are coming so it is shared in both work load and shared time WITH THEM AND I AM SCHEDULED TO WORK THIS WEEKEND

So after a couple days of up late and up early to work.
and dehydrated and have a headache and need to rest.

But my rest/recovery time might only need to be short OR I might need more:

So the last minute invite kinda sucks.
Its so hard to know if I will be OK if I say yes. If I will have energy tonight to go out. OR energy to host a guest. Cause it is an event in My town...

When you are priority to someone you are not the last min Thu night invite.

clearly yes
or I wouldn't 't have ended it with Buffalo guy who wanted to cerebrate our anniversary of connecting yet who can't ad won't commit.
I mean he was not even willing to STAY in my home. I was super disappointed. The one time he stayed overnight was cause in his own ADHD neurodivergent brain he could not get it together ( he has clear executives functioning challenges!) to leave Buffalo to arrive anywhere CLOSE to the time planned. By the time he got here it was 11pm and the owner of the AirBNB had gone to bed and we could not get in. So the first night in town he only stayed here out of DEFAULT.
And he was impatient and acted like he couldn't want to LEAVE here. He couldn't even accompany me on a walk with the dog but waited impatiently as I walked her that time. He wanted to spend NO TIME in my home and that was the real kicker for me.
I was like FUCK this non relationship. It was all about me coming to spend time with him elsewhere. He wanted me in his world and rarely would make the trip here and when he did he couldn't spend time in my home.


So yeah it is IMPORTANT to me to have a NORMAL relationship with a guy with home we can each give and take and EACH share time in the other person's world in their home.

I am just so done with extending myself to join a man in his world without that reciprocity.

and who I decided NO I would not and can not commit to due to his alcoholism.

So reality is that I am all too aware it is a LEGIT reason to not want to commit because of someone's family obligations
or simply due to disability
either of the person
or their family they are caretaker for.

But also it is hard when one has health issue themself! I mean I lost sleep but I did still get to bed by midnight and up at 8 the one night Seven hours for most people one night would not throw their energy off as much as it throws mine off. I may not have diagnosis of all issues-- but clearly there is SOME disabling condition requiring more sleep for me to function! I mean I have always needed to prioritize sleep.

So part of it is with chronic illness it just makes it harder to navigate relationships and with neurodivergent brain it is harder to navigate relationships. ( Simple things for others are harder- like I see texts WHO KNOWS when? and my pleas to CALL ME as preferred means of communication fall on deaf ears. I mean really, if DC guy Really wants my company tonight he could have called me land line.)

A friend posted this on FB this week. I am going to copy and paste here cause it resonates. OF course it was one of those viral asking to be reposted please. THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR LONG LOST AND UNKNOWN by my friend.

"Hot tip, if you get into a committed relationship with someone that has chronic health issues please please please understand that that person may not be able to do anything for themselves for weeks to months at a time and a large burden is going to fall on you. Take the time to make sure you're able to handle it before you commit.
My favorite quote from my doctor was, “it can’t really be that bad if you are still working and doing everything you do. “ I told him I didn’t know I had a choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Years in pain, tired and the many changes in me for no reason or apparent reason ... Hiding everything from someone else, pretending to be doing better than you are; until it no longer works. No matter how strong you want to be.
Then the moment comes when they tell you what you have ... You have mixed feelings: you finally know what you have, but how do you deal with it?
Lack of encouragement, wanting to lie down, taking medication frequently; having a whole pharmacy on top of the nightstand.
Then, the daily responses, "Why did you get so fat?" “I have this great diet, if you just go out and exercised.
She's so skinny, eat something. Jealous because I'm skinny. This is not not by choice. I can't keep the weight on. The meds suppress my appetite.
I’m Nauseous all the time.
That once beautiful hair of yours now awful and it falls out.
What happened to you??....
This is all true and that's why I'm sharing it!
Silent and invisible diseases do exist ...
When you have an invisible disease it is difficult to argue from your perspective with ignorant people.
Life takes a lot of turns !!!
Tired of being told:
* Did you go to the doctor?
* Have you tried this?
* Have you tried that?
* I don’t know what else we can do for you...
Yes! I tried and still try everything !!!
Doctors say this disease is forever. That I will not heal. However, I am not giving up, but I want to make others realize:
* A nap will not cure me but it will help me ...
* I am not lazy, I take medication and it sometimes makes me sleepy.
* I am not angry but sometimes cranky with pain.
* I struggle daily with pain, mobility problems, fatigue, the criticism of my environment.
Most frustratingly, people look at me and say, "It can't be that bad; you look good "
Despite the fact that my body is experiencing excruciating pain everywhere, of course I look good, I always try to look good, it is an "invisible" disease.
This disease affects me physically, mentally and emotionally. Because rare autoimmune diseases cannot be seen, but we feel them.
And they are there ... Silent attack but extra painful.
The following request is sent to the post:
Please, for me and in honor of someone who fights against:
-Crohn’s Disease
- Ménière’s Disease
-Addisons Disease
-Hashimotos Disease
-Graves Disease
-Autoimmune disease
-Sjogrens syndrome
-Polycystic ovary syndrome.
-Rheumatoid arthritis.
-Chronic pain
-Multiple sclerosis.
-Myasthenia gravis.
-Pulmonary hypertension.
-Epstein Barr syndrome.
-Chronic fatigue syndrome.
-Raynaud and Scleroderma.
-Neuralgia of the trigeminal
-Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency
- Chiari Malformation
or some other disease you don't see.

SO yeah... I think the reality of my world is a hard thing to navigate in relationships with others.

So be it..
it is what it is.

So I suppose that makes me grateful for the relationships I have
such as they are
They are what they are

so be it.

I am still grateful despite challenges that it would be NICE to have more again someday.

Time to drink more water and just nap before I need to do some work at 3pm attending a seminar and taking notes to give a report of some reg updates to a CEO.

Grateful to have that work that I can do.
I will dress and move to the nice chair in my room before then.

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Feel better today than did the past few for sure! Have energy at least! - 2022-12-17


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Headache still persists! - 2022-12-16


Happy talked to my guy. I guess needed that - for my emotional need in this relationship. - 2022-12-15