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2022-12-16 - 10:15 a.m.

Trying to figure out if I made the right judgment.

I have time to think about it and do research.
I got a call from one of my clients ( The first real one). They are very happy with my work. I did one job then it took a while for them to send me another so I was at first nervous that I was... IDK

Too much

That is the best way to describe it

When someone comes in with insight others have not yet heard or considered

I mean especially if it is in a space where a company has been SUCCESSFULLY navigating for years

the initial reaction really is

"this is too much"

I mean there is push back

for so many reasons.

But some want to reduce risk and improve quality and push through the discomfort of growth. Others perfer to remain avoidant.

And its HARD to be really tactful in sharing opinion with super brilliant people

and then sometimes to have an understanding many OTHERS missed.... I mean it happens. Not because I am particularly smart ( OK there is that sometimes) BUT MORESO Because I READ and DO RESEARCH which is what I think of as being smart. I KNOW That I don't know anything as an "Expert" such that I don't have to do mad research in assessing issues.

I take my TIME
I do that.

Some working in spaces get FAMILIAR

they miss details

or they assume the language which they see ALL THE TIME As industry standard HAS To be good

cause they trusted others who assessed it.


So it is this dance of figuring out how to provide quality work that is PALATABLE

and I assess risk-

If my recommendation is not received is there going to be a legit huge disaster? IS IT REALLY HIGH RISK

If not I am very gentle and discerning in what I push

and give insight with caveat ( just for your FUTURE knowledge and info.... let it go for now ... but let's update the template moving forward."

BUT I am not one to hold back if I see something. ( A Sales expert on small businesses ADVISED that and I have a hard time figuring out when to do that. He is interested in me preserving my LONG TERM VALUE of repeat business. I feel like if I do quality work with insight I ALWAYS Will have value and need not protect my knowledge as anything so special and unique that I can't share it. Withholding seems ... disingenuous in a way to me. A chess game. Sorry I am not interested in running a business like that. Too much energy ... I mean that takes too much energy and executive functioning long term planning and honestly I thrive in just doing the work at hand.

I need to hire a business development person if I want to GROW

I can long term plan only on a SMALL SCALE

GROWTH is not my goal.
I think GROWTH of income and companies and stock etc is in fact one of the biggest problems in our economy. Growth is sustainable ONLY TO A POINT.

Why push for constant growth as the only measure of value?

I have a problem with the whole valuation of companies. Fiscal growth being the end all be all leads to reduction of quality and I argue also integrity. I am not going down that path.

SO hating GAME PLAYING I mean except when literally having fun... hating the posturing and poker face game playing and bullshit of business

I got a call asking if I am OK with accepting an ADVANCE this year for work to be completed next year.

I said SURE

But now have this very real issue.

What happens if my kids award of Medicaid was not based on actual long term chronic disability but based on MY INCOME?

Well my increased income might kick the kid out of healthcare when for the first time in years there is ability to actually get a medication that is helping.

DAMN there are policies that cover that med. (The one that was $450 a month) But if I land a full time offer the company offers their plan
I have no say in WHAT one they offer.

SHIT I feel like I need to freaking do research to find out WHAT COMPANIES offer plans that cover that medication.


SO exhausting

And now when I get a payment to my company- of course I get to pay of its expenses before it is profitable. But if profitable then THIS YEAR

how is that going to impact the health care we have now?

DO we both lose it?

Do I lose it but not my chronically disabled autistic kid?
Well time to go shopping and this time not just buy the super expensive but healthiest options but go stock up on staples from the International Market- awesome noodles of every kinds, beans, sauces etc that we can't find here in the local market so we have staples for good healthy cooking stocked up: Things like Olive oil and honey that are expensive.
Cause the SNAP will be gone as soon as I get paid from my company. And I will pay of the debt and then EVEN Though I am not going to pull salary yet
I think for TAX Purposes I have to report as income THIS YEAR my gain as a company.

I have to look that up.

I don't intend to move money from the company to MY ACCOUNT and get paid until AFTER I actually invoice for each hour worked.

Meaning I get a retainer- Lets say the contract value is for $20K estimated work over a year.

I have no idea what they want to send me in a retainer- said SURE I am open to that.

I have to however look up tax laws etc..

CAuse if I am profitable as a company WHETHER I PAY MySELF SALARy YET

I have to report the difference between deducting expenses and any check they send in DEC as EARNINGS for this year.

I think-

So it could be better for me to say NO pay me when I do the work.

BUT that is more administrative work on their end. They need to have accounting cut me a payment monthly.They would prefer to cut their admin work and cut me one check and then monthly I can just send an invoice deducting hours against the retainer to show balance remaining.

I get it that it is easier for them.

BUT I have to figure out if that was ok to say yes to. I FIGURED YES!! WHAT A GIFT

as My first thought when got the call

I mean of course if someone wants to send you money upfront wouldn't you want to say SURE
Retainers have no interest.
Use it or lose it is typically the terms.

I could craft the retainer agreement myself. I told him they can send an addendum- it could also be simple purchase order
whatever convention they have used
as this is not their first rodeo

*I am just cheaper than the outside counsel and I KNOW AS GOOD for internal operations contract issues and customer negotiations that I am professionally able to do! YEAH THAT IS NOT PRACTIVE OF LAW technically thank God or I could not do this work!!

But I gotta read the tax law on this.
Cause my initial thought was "YEAH" Thinking the retainer would allow me to immediately pay back FAMILY DEBT

I kinda figured that would be it. Business expenses to date... cost of start up... and then was going to run a budget
considering other work coming in
and expenses

and figure out what I NEED To bank and leave in the business account to them pay me as I do work...
Depending on language of the retainer ( It has to be use it or lose it. If it is that at end of year they have not expended all the retainer I have to RETURN Unused portion then it just SITS in my business account and I can't touch the expenses of the business yet... I mean can't pay off past expenditures UNTIL PROFITABLE BEYOND THAT)

SO my yes was assuming my personal income is not affected until the company PAYS ME.

BUT I have to look it up

cause not sure that is true.

If when I do the taxes at end of year if the incoming retainer is seen as INCOME THEN

well then it is not advantageous to me.

AND I have the concern now of healthcare.

In past I never worried about lapse in healthcare for me.

BUT READING and trying to figure this out-
I mean is there a SMALL risk to my health if I don't find someone to take care of the procedure the Dr. Recommended? OR A BIG RisK?
I need to consult with the Dr. Again I think. (or at least get a prescription that can be sent to another place other than the one she referred me to for a procedure who does not take my health insurance. I also did not pay this month's premium cause was going to let it lapse and just let the NEW insurance under Medicaid kick in- but I might LOSE THAT .....hmmm... yeah I have to run numbers. And the social worker who qualified ME approved ME but i think based on RECENT months of income
and I had HIGHER income in beginning of the year... so what happens when they pull my tax records as I of course gave approval to be done? Do they look at the WHOLE YEAR Then send me a bill if they say I made too much ALL YEAR for the benefits?? It is all a bit confusing what the decision was based on. Maybe it was based on HEALTH CARE DIAGNOSIS regardless of income? IdK Maybe that is why we both got it? Cause I wrote down the bipolar diagnosis? I still think that social worker may have thought me off my rocker when I wrote EXPECTED income in 2023..... I mean I was nothing but HONEST in EVERY APPLICATION)

Hell if I get a loss of approval and have to pay back benefits I am literally screwed until land a full time job.

OK so reading this
and tax code etc to discern

And this all takes time. I should be spackling my ceiling. But again I have a wicked headache. And I have a noon training for a volunteer thing I thought I would be excited to do.
BUT Truth be told now it feels like more UNPAID WORK and my enthusiasm is waning. It is some funky health festival. I thought sure volunteer so I can go to the yoga classes and sound therapy sessions ( my most recent life coach was a presenter last year. Not sure if she is there this year.) BUT now feels foolish to have signed up to commit to 10 hrs of volunteer at a festival in order to get in free I MEAN it was GREAT to do volunteer at a music festival but this is a BIGGER commitment of my free labor and to be honest I think the return will be low. The event might be a bit too OUT THERE Woo woo for me... I mean I question that these new age things that talk about "Spiritual" authentic connection are not at times part of a perversity of accepting appropriation of only SOME PARTS Of Eastern thought to justify hedonism frankly
I am skeptical

BUT that is also why I wanted to check it out without PAyING for it

Its an event my DC friends have gone to in prior years, and my life coach presented at so maybe legit overall even if some questionable presentors/presentations subverting the "spiritual" and jumping on that train in order to justify their actual more carnal experiences as having become their gods. I mean anything can become the god someone is led by... money... sex... drugs and rock and roll LOL

Joking but also serious
I have seen some of these so called spiritualist who are frankly so full of shit
Alot of BS hedonistic self serving narcissistic hooey that justifies their self focused self indulgent putting their own pleasure and comfort above needs or actual legit concerns of anyone else.

I feel like I have a radar for sensing that. ( I remember once the short time I tried match the YOGI who reached out to me and I was like My ASS this dude is a spiritual yogi... I mean playa looked more like it. One of those...)

I just have radar for disingenuous BS.

So hope there is real substance at this thing. I mean my Brother in Law himself also presents at events like this

So I KNOW there are some REALLY GREAT folks and genuine folks at those kinds of hippyish so called wholistic healing communities.

But I have a healthy dose of skepticism

and it feels like an annoyance to have to attend a consent training today in the middle of my day when I have a TO DO but not the energy and constitution to handle some of it yet.
(Like calling out the fact the most recent plumber while fixed the problem of the running toilet IGNORED The 2nd part of the job. I still need this fucking part replaced. It would have taken them just a few more minutes and a $20 part so why oh why did I FAIL To inspect the work and catch they were being cheap and IGNORED that specific work order in the request? I WAS CLEAR that there were TWO broken items on that AHS home repair ticket. FUCK I have to call their customer service AGAIN to haggle and see if I can get them to send someone out AGAIN.. or suck it up and pay another $100 fee for another ticket on the same damn job),Progestin%20therapy%20can%20ease%20symptoms.,Progestin%20therapy%20can%20ease%20symptoms.

And I now realize that I have heard folks say "OH he can't get paid or he will lose his benefits"
in relation to the SELLING OF ART WORK from some of the disabled artists.

So among the chronically disabled who are living with and cared for by their family there is NO SHAME in acknowledging that for some they do not want to accept work or income above a certain threshold or they will LOSE THEIR MEDICAL CARE.


There are those who think everyone on public assistance is gaming the system

SO what do those critical identify as gaming the system?

Doing what is needed to EAT
and LIVE

cause without medical care someone might DIE??

What a fucked up thing this reality is for so many poor
and chronically ill and disabled

REALLY that they have to decide between the choice to work and be paid for their hard earned labor

OR HAVE HEALTH CARE and be able to eat.

That is just so fucked up.

And yet it seems ACCEPTABLE to some when they have overtly profoundly visibly disabled adult children.

YET judged for others.

So I have to figure out the tax implications
as well as healthcare and whole house budget implications of accepting an advance.

OK I have to figure this out. I think writing helps me keep it on my TO DO- yeah going on the hard copy to do planner now.

BUT NOW I am getting my ass up ( I am in bed as was awakened by the dog and the awake household in middle of the night then had trouble falling asleep. Lately the nocturnal schedule of kids has been worse as the one who was sleeping at night is now joining the OTHER up. And it is wearing on ME as I HEAR THEM. They are not particularly loud but I am not sleeping that well this week after staying up too late- its like I threw MY ROUTINE and now I have to get back into it.)

OK now to sand and spackle ceiling. THAT is going to get done now. It was on the TO DO before the other items so just getting it done then will tackle the rest and YES I can make some progress before the NOON ZOOM training on consent.

Truth be told thank God someone is educating men about consent. But hope most men going that event are not full of shit and really just hoping to get laid and think some hippy yoga , learn how to love authentically event means there might be loose women... HA HA

I swear I think these events attract more assholes than genuine spiritualists. But I have not been to one so should not judge til go.

But yeah I am skeptical.

Maybe cause the vibe reminds me of the air traffic controller I dated? The one who WAS clearly into serial so called monogamy but REALLY was just a serial cheater? Dumped the gal dating to find a new one every 18 months likely after having already cheated each damn time? The one who had the girly AND I MEAN GIRLY As in UNDERAGE ILLEAGAL PORN under his mattress.

DAMN I did not immediately realize he could have been charged with even possession of that sick material.

It was really sick.
I mean young girls.

SO yeah maybe my distrust of guys into that crap- or rather white cis men into new agey religion is based on my experience. He was into Unity and a Course of Miracles big time and it always struck me as a useful tool for healing trauma but also easy to be manipulated to allow someone to have NO moral compass and do whatever the hell they want without regard for others. I mean the atonement forgiveness concepts are beautiful but not really intended to be a free pass to be self centered and that is what I thought that guy did with that.

OH wait I also did not trust the Indian Yogi who was on Match.....

It may be a me thing to think there is a large percentage of folks being opportunistic and self centered using spiritualism as one more tool to try to be self centered. But it is easier to get away with it in certain environments that allow masking of motive by setting up an openness.

What is the point of going to a massive convention center with concentration of people to meditate and do yoga for your spiritual enlightenment? I mean go to a freaking quiet space alone.
I just really don't get it.
EXCEPT that the point is more to connect with other people. AND I AM ALL FOR THAT
sure even on a short term basis
if it is not twisted and perverse

Cause yeah I do think there is such a thing as taking things too far into perversity. I am not interested in that.. so wondering what the convention is really all about.

I HOPE It is about what it SAYS IT IS ABOUT

BUT WHY THEN Do they want a NDA Signed that particpants will not share all that goes on??

That to me is suspicious.

In any case I hope it was not a mistake for me to commit my energy and time to it. I hope it is a means of greater and valuable CONNECTION with the friends of mine who are into it.

But again... I have this dilemma.

Part of the thing is estatic dance. I can see that being awesome. If there are not those folks there trying to pick someone up. I mean those interloapers on the dance floor are SERIOUSLY IRRITATING to the regular dancers who kinda have their dance community. I GET it wanting to do stuff in community with other folks who really just get JOY in a shared activity.

THAT is what I hope the convention is all about.

The thing for me is


I mean I like to go out dancing alone.
I partner with a different GOOD dancer each time.

Cause it is not about a shared moment BEYOND THE DANCE.

AND I LOVE That shared moment. I can't say I have EVER gone dancing with someone I am in a relationship with.

and I can't say I ever would WANT TO UNLESS the other person ALSO ABSOLUTELY LOVED DANCING

I just thought of Art as truth be told creating music
or art
is the SAME

I mean when he was so happy playing my jembe and i was dancing it was a perfect night.

BEFORE he got controlling.

He also was FINE that night as I danced with others.

So I do get it that.

But it is the fact there are sessions focused on sexual intimacy interspersed with other sessions. Those are GREAT for couples! But I just wonder at the PERCENTAGE of them at what is marketed as a spiritually focused event with HEALING at the center.

It is a confulence of ARTISTS

"Guiding your experience with loving-kindness and a mastery of practice."

It might just be absolutely FABuLoUS

with an undercurrent of a kink community therin somewhere

which folks can tap into or not....

So I suppose I should not judge

cause the whole thing could be fantastic and I can choose what I spend my time at!
I signed up to volunteer monitoring a quiet mediation room I think,

should not be negative about it but should be excited to go to this thing for free. I have to get back into that head space.
Not the one of judgement - preconceived judgment.

Looking at the ARTISTS pages of presenters- yeah it looks rather awesome! I think I have focused on the small amt of interlopers among otherwise genuine good artists.

Heck my brother in law is a dance artist and teaches Yoga. This looks familiar to what he does. My son's dear friend from his acting company left Ny and realized she did not love acting as much as music. She spent time with a Shaman and had a spiritual journey and is creating music for healing-
and yeah, heck I sent her the link to this so she could consider presenting some year as would love to go to her sonic sound healing experience that she is doing in the Miami area now.
There is familiarity with this kind of spiritual artistic work for those reasons. Not completely unknown. I love sound bathing...

Its relaxing.

I have done that live on a beach when I travelled and someone was doing that at the beach where my son lives. I convinced the family to all do it.

So yeah I see the interlopers...

But whatever. Maybe they will have some healing and spiritual growth despite themselves too. But if not their hedonism need not detract from MY experience and how I choose to engage and where I choose to engage at the event.

I am just being negative as honestly the time commitment seems high. Its a drive for me and now I am tired and can hardley find energy to get my own stuff done while NOT Working full time.


Thank God I have not been one that gets headaches often. I see how debilitating they can be.

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