2022-12-16 - 12:16 p.m.
OK I feel better about the training already now that it started.
First of all
the authenticity of the presenters eased my mind.
They basically said
CONSENT begins with you doing what you need for YOUR BODY
even in training
Be sure to get food or hydration or if something makes you uncomfortable don't remain in a space
BE aware of YOUR BODY and its response
I mean just imagine if at EVERY Work meeting and TRAINING That was ACCEPTABLE
I notice even at the church meetings I am the only one who seems COMFORTABLE just getting up to say-
get a glass of water
of go to the bathroom when my body needs that.
So consent culture is about having the experience you want and avoiding those which are not desired and wanted in connection with others.
BUT It does not seem like absolute AVOIDANCE of the CHALLENGES IN RELATIONSHIP With real connection.
That avoidance of the actual challenges in mature healthy relationship and them ONLY being about one's own comfort ALL THE TIME
is a perversion
or a self protection
which is distinct from setting a healthy boundary when there is abuse, to prevent abuse of others. It is problematic when one does not know how to respect boundaries. But it is also problematic when one talks the talk but in reality is good at setting their OWN boundaries but very manipulative in trying to influence others to change their boundaries to meet THEIR NEEDS. That is a kind of insidious self centeredness which can take advantage of some without it appearing to be disrespectful overtly. It is predatory. It is kinda the narcissistic preying on those who they see as weaker than themselves. So I have a red flag when I find men coming into my world who I notice a pattern of turning AWAY from relationships from women who are really clear with their own opinions or boundaries but seem to gravitate to women who are the pleasers or whom it seems to me need support and "rescuing" in some sense. It makes me concerned when I see POWER dynamics at play. They show up in different ways.
BUT true being able to say NO
is so important but that is only the BEGINNING of not being manipulated. The reticence I have is that some of the MEN at these kind of places seem a little disingenuous when it comes to truly understanding boundaries. AND Further I have an issue with some of the boundaries of the PRACTICIONERS.
I mean its the same issue I have with people who don't understand dancing.
Those who show up on the prowl at Latin Dancing jams, or other dance events who seem to misunderstand the container of the dance is its own thing. Dancers may be sensual, or even express and release sexual energy but that is in the container of the dance and it is OFFENSIVE for those who don't get it to make assumptions about the dancers or to act like their SELF expression is in any way any sort of communication or invitation for boundary crossing. Its an annoyance to dancers. Dancers may be more sensual or sexual in that self expression but their can be NO Assumptions made about how they share themselves intimately with those in their intimate lives they are very close to. Further there is NEVER an invitation for a stranger to talk to a person with familiarity or TOUCH with familiarity and cross boundaries. IN the context of dance if the dancers consent there may be an artistic expression but the other BODY when I am dancing is simply a conduit- a vessel and frankly it is cool if there is also pheromones aiding that along, but hell no that expression is NEVER ABOUT OR INTENDED TO BE PERSONAL to you the partner dancer. YOU Are like a blank canvas as a dancer upon which you and other dancers create this beautiful artistic expression which is both wonderful as creators to experience and also enliven and brings joy to others. SO If my dancing helps some couple out there feel more amorous with EACH OTHER, GREAT. If it helps some like minded folks looking for a MOOD for a one night stand that is also fine for them but make no mistake the dancers themselves do not want you as a watcher to ever objectify their persons BEYOND THE DANCE. Don't expect some use of their body for your pleasure
BEYOND THE SHARED DANCE MOMENT.
Then again I have watched men on the prowl eventually find a partner they then had a romance with. I however always found it odd. I mean it seemed so strange to watch some guy come onto me and me set a clear boundary then just a few weeks later see him "coupled" with some gal and witness their dating consist of going out dancing in the same space. It seemed so very strange. Was dance all that was needed? Good dance partner , a nice meal and some good sex? How long would that relationship last? I found it curious to watch and wonder... and noticed some of those romances then to be short lived but could observe the guy do it again.... and again.. so yeah there were a couple interspersed who I considered "players" there... kinda creepers in the midst of those there to dance and not looking for the next sex partner. But maybe I should not judge....
I just felt so skeptical I guess cause one person who talked of this event is a guy I feel like is ALWAYS On the prowl himself. He tends to pick up or try to pick up women into spiritualism but himself seems adverse to any organized religion. I don't get it. I am not getting genuine interest in spiritual development from him at all. That is the red flag and I know it is just me being judgmental. But also self protectionist.
I mean it happens in Christian churches all the time! HA HA The single guy who is visiting churches on Sunday morning to see if any "resonate" with him but he is really obviously on the prowl...
HA HA ( We had one of those show up at our church in the past year. I watched him work the single ladies. No one bit and he did not come back to church. I read through his interest... it was obvious to me.)
I don't find this to be that much of a problem when dancing for myself as I also can see that guy a mile away,
but I think I think in any space where someone is touched deeply there is a greater vulnerability of being taken advantage of. The experience of any "SPRITAUL" So called new agey space is similar to dancing. It is an experience that allows one to open up THEMSELF and be more fully present and vulnerable. If they connect with someone in that state it can create a FALSE Sense of intimacy! That "emotional slut" phenomena...
Yeah I guess that is my biggest fear.
I am afraid of not only emotional sluts but PHYSICAL SLUTS who USE PEOPLE and have learned the art of slutty emotional manipulation to PRETEND to be emotionally intimate while there is really all along an ulterior MOTIVE or a disingenuous interest. The communication is all curated as a means to the end of the person's needs and comfort but is not in reality anything MUTUAL. NO depth of REAL relationship. Just hints of emotional intimacy to get what one wants.
Its all about power and using SKILLS to manipulate.
And the creators of such experiences as any intense retreat of course can manipulate the power of that if they like. AND there are some genuinely disinterested in self development spiritually and not really caring about aligning their inner self and spirit with their exterior but simplistically looking for pleasure. I am not anti pleasure at all. BUT It has to be in the right context or for me it absolutely CHEAPENS the value of it if that makes sense.
I AM SO RELIEVED THAT THE PRESENTER ADDRESSED THIS!! She was fantastic and actually spoke of how those organizing such events do hold "power" whether they intend to or not so have to be mindful that others might blur their boundaries in confusion if they feel the experience of intimacy they shared was personally connected to the facilitator !
This is the same problem I see with musicians or other performers. Some fall in love with the FEELING the art creates in them. The MUSIC itself is in some way a distinct child of its creator.
Some make the mistake of thinking there is an actual intimate relationship with an artist they admire who moved them! Some performers are great at manipulating this and pretending to be friends with their fans. ALL GOOD if you know it is a mirage....but the experience OF the moment is a real shared one but only of the moment.
It was interesting the focus on saying NO in the consent workshop.
That is not awkward for me but for some it is,
It was encouraging the focus of that consent workshop teaching folks to be aware of their own body signals and how they say no or fail to do so. And it is encouraging to see the artists presenting at this event are from all over the world. And SEEM GENUINE
It seems like the kind of community of creators and artists my SON has tried to curate with his production company.
It seems familiar and comfortable.
I mean heck my friend and life coach presented so that was a hint
and there is talk of understanding how when there is PRESSURE applied by someone that it can destroy a relationship
the relationship will not work long term
SO that is really encouraging as the whole point of the training is to help folks be in touch with THEMSELVES
and learning how to identify their own body when it gives signals for YES AND NO
and learning how to share your response
YES OR NO
without applying pressure on someone who asks for something
AND how to set forth your requests and desires without PUTTING UNHEALTHY PRESSURE on the other.
This was the whole problem in the relationship with Art. He had no ability to graciously accept no despite his genuine spirituality.
AND one of the most important things shared is
If someone can't say no
their YES is NOT meaningful
YES!!! SO YES THIS is in fact one of the issues I have had in not trusting some of the folks in my life who well... are so quick to attach and and act like it is meaningful..
ANd the part mentioned making me laugh
that it is awful when someone signs up to HELP Cause they don't know how to say NO but don't REALLY WANT TO HELP
NO is one of the best gifts to give another.
OK I am feeling better about my YES to give this volunteer time and even about the fact of having to sit in this training for 90 minutes. With this headache at first it felt like a BURDEN
I was not up for.
But in fact it may be a gift
as it is a great training! EVEN IN THE FIRST FEW MINUTES
OK the world needs more of this. I was just skeptical as I had experiences in past of disingenuous "spiritual" folks. I mean the disappointment of Art and of the Air Traffic controller
I mean the two men I LOVED
for their deep spirituality
who both at some level had issues ( albeit different)
OK to fully be present now. Just happy it is relieving my fears/triggers.
Oh and now it is time for a closing of eyes in meditation to be fully present and aware of one's body. YES All good. I can do this kind of stuff and the 10 hrs volunteering will likely be quite a gift. I might not mind the drive at all in the end over that weekend.
I was starting to wonder if it was foolish. But no, thinking it is really my ARTIST DATE to spend time with myself and that will be really valuable.