2022-12-17 - 10:43 a.m.

VA Govt systems are irritating to navigate.

They have excellent protections against fraud.

BUT the problem is that those protections make the sites not user friendly. If you make a mistake you are screwed.

It is really annoying to me.

I know I must have a bad habit of accidentally clicking TWICE

or accidentally closing a window

OR using a BACK BUTTON

ALL OF which operations systems can not handle well

AS if you do any of the above in them, you get kicked out

BUT as you have not LOGGED OUT - you are still LOGGED in as a user

SO if you try to log in again it is seen as another user

Potential hack

OH MY and the locking down of the account will happen.

I get so tired of this.

I just have to pay my registration fee for my company. I do have until the end of the month. I did not want to do it early cause of cash flow of course.

I can just mail in a check... I may just do that now since got locked out of the system. YEAH that is the plan.

So much for computers making life easier.

SIGH

Now back to the living room project. I had more energy today and realized it is not a freaking caffine headache. Flu is going around; Covid is going around. BOTH have been giving bad headaches. I had both booster shot and flu shot but just took the dog for a walk and spoke to a few lovely neighbors ( I really have the nicest new neighbors now across the street. Two awesome families moved in after two older people who each lived in the two houses moved out. Am was mourning the loss of the beautiful fragrant vines that one older lady complained of in the Spring actually. The lady made a fuss and the neighbors eventually took it out-- and I was so sad missing it this Spring AND this FALL as well when the leaves of it would turn... Ce la vie... I just wish I knew WHAT kind of plant that was! I tried to transplant some of it but it died. I hopes it might take off where the truly invasive Virginia creeper I had to remove used to thrive. I have tried a grape vine. that floral lovely scented mystery plant, and potted ... crap now I can't remember the work... it will come... I can visualize... ok it came AS TYPING THAT so not a LONG DELAY but enough to concern me: PASSION flower/fruit vine.
The passion flower plants were georgous! I bought two and they were stunning but only lasted a season. A $70 indulgence worth it but I wished they could have survied at least one winter! I also had a beautiful hibiscus that survived a few years but died one winter. . ,

Such is life.
At times my back yard has had some georgous flowers but my vision is that I find some that can survive the winter here and come back and it will be lush! I just could never afford to do that with annuals like some of my gardener friends. I am aiming for the perennials that come back- as the better investment. But its been slow progress.
Not very successful in creating the back yard garden I aspire for as some that have come back are still tiny plants each year... but it is getting there. I think I need to invest in FERTILIZER and really kick up my old worn soil with lots more food and nutrients.

I also killed that so called Everlasting hydranga and I swear there must have been a chemical dump of some sort at that spot cause WHATEVER is put there DIES. It is also wet... but even plants that should do with a wet soil have not taken off there so I strongly suspect someone dumped something at that one spot at some point.

But I do have some lemon balm and a few of these white pretty flowers in a couple small patches that come up
and a couple other lovely tiny things that popped up all summer long. Mid-Late summer bloomers. Small one stalk with a tiny pretty little light pink flower on the top. No foilage other than the one stalk. I should have drawn my garden map like I did in the past and written down what the heck those little tiny delights are. I found them after weeding one day and they were a lovely surprise.

Patches of

HA HA I did it again, bumped something when typing which is so funny as no clue how the hell this happens but this site RANDOMLY POPPED UP.... must have SOMEHOW accidentally clicked the users on line? Maybe.... I mean my cursor is no where near the top of the page where there are "recently updated" diaries but THIS site just
RANDOMLY POPPED UP

https://se7enchance.diaryland.com/index.html

VERY LOVELY!

also very strange that popped up so bizarrely randomly....

Whatever, at least I was not BUMPED from this page while on it.

OK back to my home improvement project. I have energy today and finally felt like got decent sleep and feel rested. I concluded that I am FIGHTING off viral exposer to something covid or the flu but that it just made me tired and have a bad headache due to vaccination.

I don't have covid tests left in my house. (I used the last one last time felt "off" )

I have never tested positive but something going on. I mean if my lack of energy were something like being down, a bit of feeling malaise, depressive
OK how ironic is that. I was writing how I CAN'T BE bi polar as I don't get depressive.... but do realize I think my tiredness is also correlated with YES FEELING SOMEWHAT DEPRESSED EMOTIONALLY! I mean that Thanksgiving fiasco hit me emotionally hard. Still... bi polar? not convinced.

That and I also realized my kid pushed me one day-
in the flight or flight triggered AGGRESSIVE and YES ABUSIVE and no not acceptable response
Sure it was only a quick moment
BUT a quick moment of physical abuse is enough to be really traumatic AGAIN. I mean WTF??

and I find that depressing
and the whole I need to use tough love is depressing

as honestly it is not yet PRACTICAL

These kids are not really capable YET

SURE THEY WILL BE but they are dealing with chronic illness and even if it is only depression

I cringe at the ONLY
folks need care for THAT TOO

and I can't just push these kids out before ready. Not so simple to say SET HOUSE RULES AND EXPECTATIONS AND MAKE THEM DO THEM

I can try til blue in the face and can't make them do much of anything they don't want to do.

Their self autonomy is their priority right now and until they figure out another way other than their exercise of NO
there will be no other way for them to feel
I THINK

SAFE

I get it.

The NO to me

is their autonomy

And kids or even adults who have unaddressed TRAUMA
NEED to find themselves after having been in the FAUNING PHASE OF SUVIVAL

FIGHT
flight
FAWN,,,

there is a 4th response? I think they are like HELL NO I am not going to do whatever you want me to do
cause they see that as WEAK

but what I can't do is be in the fawning mode of worry about triggering them

NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY for them to figure out EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY WAYS to handle THEIR TRIGGERS

and when I was in the hall and walking toward the kid's bedroom to ask something

THE COMING OUT OF THE THRESHOLD OF HER DOORWAY AND PUSHING ME
was downright abusive.

I was stunned
and moved but asked "Why did you push me like that?"

IT was so fucked up
And yeah I do get depressed a bit every time one of the kids is abusive

and doesn't even SEE IT cause they are being so reactive in the brain of a person still responding out of the trauma response

Trauma not yet healed response.

So just how long does it TAKE when not around abuse for someone to HEAL from it?

I have been trying for a freaking decade now to provide a healthy home
to model normal bounaries

and of couse I am one of the triggers
I GET THAT
and I have not always been ABLE To give each of these kids the autonomy they wanted

BUT it just sucks as that was due to having to provide SAFETY

and the things they are angry at ME ABOUT seem not fair to me.

So we don't walk on eggshells here
I have normal expectations
I ask them to help with the normal household chores

and they do to an extent MORE and more as time goes on and they CHOOSE TO DO SO

But if I act EXCITED or PLEASED Or GRATEFUL AS I am Fucking TIRED and it is a HUGE HELP TO ME when they do their share

Well then they resist.
and they are like FUCK YOU

OK

I don't know why this week it is so hard to find a time they will agree to go to the laundromat. I mean we have done that a couple time together successfully and it makes life SO MUCH EASIER

But now they were not up to in the past couple days and I stayed home cause
#1 I WAS FREAKING TIRED and I had zero energy but also as that was priority

and they were like
Go yourself

So I can BUT THE THING IS WHEN THEY ARE READY To go do the household laundry with me and their personal laundry then they rely on ME to drive them. So why should I go do my own personal and then STILL have to navigate the household laundry with them in a short time frame?? I mean that is putting me out when we still have the SHARED Responsibility of the kitchen and household laundry to do.

I can hold out a bit longer. I decided it makes no sense to go off and do my own today and decided makes more sense to get the ceiling fixed.

Laundry can wait. One day they will be ready. They just did not have energy the past couple days either and wouldn't MAKE A PLAN.

I prefer to PLAN AHEAD and COMMIT To things but they are so reluctant.

That is the trait I can't stand most of all in people. Inability to commit to making plans and following through.

I do appreciate my guy invited me to come see him Thu and/or FRI and maybe I should have just sucked it up and driven his way to enjoy his company. He graciously said I could bring my laundry over there to do it.

I don't want to do that ( mainly cause it is hella lot more efficient to just do it all at once AND I LIKE THE FAMILY GOING OUT DOING SOMEHTING TOGETHER! SUCKS IT IS ONLY LAUNDRY and it also sucks that it seems the kids know I am DELIGHTED that we go do that together so that seems to me most of all what their protest in going is about. They make it clear they do not want THIS FAMILY

Which is of course depressing.

I have two adult kids who act resentful of me

One who said she hates me ( although I read about that and it is BS and a common thing teens say... I mean I remember my oldest venting about how much she hated her grandmother when she was 15.....)

BUT I just don't want to ESCAPE And RUN AWAY From the challenges of the continued parenting of young adults.

And I feel like if I took of to make myself feel better and enjoy that time rather than push through their resistance to be accountable and participate in household responsibilities that allows my young adults to be avoidant or responsibility and it would be me abdicating MY PARENTING opportunity.

Hell no

Hell no they are not going to not help with the household laundry. I will wait til ready. It is the one fucking thing we do together and they might not WANT this family but it is the one they have for now.

SURE They can choose to create their own when ready. But until then, when they live in my household with me- they can be present for normal shit
like the meals which WE DO EAT TOGETHER a couple times a week and even do cook together.

I mean it is not like they are avoidant of me ALL THE TIME

They do interact and we do shit together sometimes. BUT that won't happen if I AM NOT HERE.

So yeah I do have self care
I do go off to do things for me

But it just is feasible for me to do them close to home: Sing in the church choir. Choir practice one a week mid week then at 9am on Sundays before the 10 am service.

I work this weekend or would be at a community concert at the Bahi Center which invited local churches to collaborated in a shared celebration. I went to choir practice anyway even though I work tomorrow afternoon when the others are performing.

Nice my DC guy wants to try to have an actual relationship.
But saying you want to go somewhere as a couple does not make a couple if you don't CONNECT meaningfully more often than once in a blue moon.

So our relationship would have been helped if I had the energy to head his way OR if he wanted to be here and I was more welcoming

But there was an ice storm in the forecast so driving did not seem prudent Thu night. I had ZERO energy to clean my house and make it FEEL GOOD to welcome a guest. I told him he could come over anyway and see the real lives of when our house it not at its best... hell he already saw the worst ( almost ) of the behavior. I mean only worse thing is the moment of the push
or more overt abusive putting me down.

I don't get it how the conflict with my EX's family happened when OTHER family was in town , or on holidays, or special occasions like someone's birthday

It was so dysfunctional that there had to be drama on ANY special occasion it seemed. The implosion of family bonding.

So fucked up.

We did over all have some nice times with THIS FAMILY on holidays after leaving. I mean over the last dozen years. BUT not the most recent. I mean overall we did have some lovely holiday time but its been years since ALL The kids were here and the last time the older one came they were SO UPSET that they DON"T WANT TO COME HERE for holidays.

I respect that and understand it.

And they all - I have talked to all THREE of the older ones who have set their own healthy boundaries

they all GET IT
They are siblings or half-siblings and therefore have no need for an abuser in their life- even if family

BUT They get it that AS A MOTHER I have honestly one youngest child who has never been abusive to me or others. The youngest DESERVES FOR ME TO NOT ABANDON HER.

And the two who ARE the ones that are struggling to not be abusive ALSO are the ones clearly autistic.

AUTISM DOES NOT EXCUSE ABUSE

BUT it does make things like tone of voice and understanding how to communicate politely harder.

There is a distinction however and it is clear that DESPITE That when either of those two have NOT maintained self control and impulsively been aggressive in a response that it is about POWER.

They both have these fucking moments of wanting to assert their power by being abusive.

Both the 4th and 5th kid of mine have done that.

Now the 5th, who has gone off to college has MATURED TREMENDOUSLY and honestly it was just a pleasure when he came home from college and was here. This is a trans kid- so just for clarity
I have a couple trans identifying kids and a couple non binary , Queer identifying. Not that it matters.

BUT The one who came home from college was super gracious about his displacement from the basement bedroom cause I HAVE To rent the basement.

So when in town there is a mattress at the foot of my bed and an end table and there is a couch that is sorta a divider that sits there and the 1/2 of my room is set up as his space for the week.

He was a decent roommate- we left each other alone and gave each other space. He has POTS so does sleep alot but this time was up interacting with the siblings really nicely together.

I MEAN it was REALLY GREAT to see all three of them being friends and navigating their relationship well.

So my older three GET it that it makes sense I forgive the transgressions of the one most challenging now- the 5th kid. I can give some grace as truth be told that kid did go through a lot.

I guess the past couple weeks I was particularly sad as you know one of MY ARTIST DATES
MY ME TIME

was my own first time visit with a psychic. (OK first paid one. I had that girl in college once talk to me... and also the artist/prophet like character cousin Kelly in the Buffalo bar Neitzche who came up to me very trance like and out of the blue said "You are a writer and you need to keep writing"
and a few other *moments* but it was My VERY FIRST hiring and scheduling a session with a psychic

And yeah it was depressing for the whole focus to be on the parenting of these two and the directive
"Get them into counseling, or back to the Dr. etc to treat depression"
if depressed...
but then to have the kids both resist.
To have found a family therapist but have them both say they won't go is seriously depressing to me.
BUT my well being can't be dependent on the kid's relationship WITH ME

I GET THAT

I have told many a friend who is a mother this : That they have to have their own lives and their own friends and not expect their kids to WANT to be in their world.

But it is normal to go through a grieving process when realize that your own kids really just don't want to nurture a relationship with you at this point in their lives.

YES That is sad! AND YES it should be sad.

So I think I needed to just rest and process and accept this "It is what it is" in conjunction with whatever is giving me the headache also making me not feel energetic.. some bug.

Hopefully the headache will pass soon. (Still have it)

At least I got out and had a nice walk and do feel better than I have in days!

I also had work this week and another panel interview. Those take energy and are exhausting. I finally caught up on sleep. The one gal at the retirement community wants to know if I will pick up a couple more of her days. I put off answering cause thought MAYBE I will get a job offer!
But I have a feeling that if it did not come in by Friday after the Monday interview- with no other reach out
they are not that interested in me.

I suppose I could send a thank you

But again

I was so tired this week I honestly could not IMAGINE having to work a full time role AND the part time work that kicked up this week.

I have to run a budget.
Cause if the one company is going to use me more as the one guy indicated. AND if the 2nd client was happy with the first project and comes back and hires me to do more... well then I may be set ( enough) for the time being.

I may earn enough to pay my bills at least.
The lawyer bill has only about $1300 left on it. I might use the Christmas money my Dad sent to reduce some of that and get something moderate for the family-- I mean not expensive.
Honestly debt reduction paying off some of the pre-existing household expenses. I didn't look yet to see what he spent but he typically sends enough for me to cut the kids each a check of $100 so they can get what they want and for me to reduce some debt or do something nice for myself. Its super kind of him. I have been wanting to send him a gift too! I have sent from here in past years.

https://monksbread.com/collections/monks-homestyle-breads

My Dad also sent a lovely package of fruit from Hale Groves in Florida. We have gotten Honeybell oranges from there in the past which are marvelous. It is so appreciated.

I was glad last night someone wrote about how depressing it is to not have money at Christmas as it gave me an opportunity to focus on the postive in trying to encouage her.

I don't think it hard to decorate nicely on a budget. It just takes patience!

WED night is trash night and I am 100% POSITIVE That someone will throw out a perfectly good Christmas tree because they are traveling for the holidays! That was one tip I gave her!
Seriously
poor folks in cities need to drive to the burbs and scope out the trash at curbs.

This is the best way to find cool gifts.

One walk in the Capital District in DC with my lovely friend who I was visiting last December was so fun for the finds! Those beautiful brownstones had interesting things they were letting go off. Luggage, bags, purses. (I don't need any of those!)

I came home with a beautiful glass water pitcher. She found some lovely items including some good books.
It was just so fun!!

That water pitcher was used in what was for a brief few months my basement office.

The thing is, nice thing last and are as nice of a gift if bought secondhand or found as if they are bought new!
The thing is no different!

Thrift stores are fabulous to get a few things to wrap and put under a tree for festive gift giving. It really doesn't have to be elaborate to be festive and fun and for family to enjoy the time together.

We always enjoyed our Christmastime ( until older teen years .... but when younger it was fun). Things got dicey honestly after the homophobic Christmas message by the one priest. Until then it was a fun family time for us all.

OK enough writing and musing. Back to sanding and spackling. At least I am back in the sprit and getting excited about finishing this task then decorating.

We can't scope for a great second hand tree since the kids it turns out are so highly allergic UNLESS I come across an artificial one being tossed! THAT happens too!

I am going to wait until after WED and yes will scope out for one then!
IF I don't find one then I will buy one.

I was surprised at how expensive artificial trees have gotten in the stores here! I will likely shop on line.

BUT first-
FINISH Ceiling
then bills to be paid and budget so I know what I have to work with.

AND MY TO DO :
For at work-

Don't forget to bring Christmas Cards to write.
AND
LAPTOP so I can not only work on the budget when it is slow; but also fit in creating a calendar of events ( a promised TO DO I did not yet get to) For the professional org.
We need an ANNUAL Calendar so everyone blocks off times for meetings/events.

We can flesh out details later. It just needs to get done so the board can approve it at Jan MEETING.

OOPS we voted on the JAN meeting and I completely FORGOT I can not attend!!

IN GOOD NEWS My one lovely child ( #3... oldest of the clan from 2nd husband) Called me a month ago , and asked if for Christmas I would like to go see HADESTOWN on Broadway with her!

I of course was absolutely thrilled!!

We happen to be heading to NYC the same night as the scheduled meeting in JAN. OOPPS...

But no worries. I am in charge of Marketing. They can tell me what to do and I do it.

Won't hurt for me to miss the one meeting. I will still keep up with the marketing of the JAN and FEB events.

OH but more I think about it- I think I FORGOT about the push til today

I HAVE To talk to my kid about that moment.
I mean maybe I should have reacted differently in the moment other than moving away in utter absolute SHOCK.

Wonder if there are family therapists that do house calls? If you can't get someone to GO would they engage if someone came IN to do a family session?

I mean I am thinking of that moment

Should I have said
DO NOT PUSH ME TO Tell me to get away from your room
That's it
GET OUT

you just pushed me and I won't accept that physical violence against me in my home cause I was trying to TALK To you
and you don't wnat to talk to me

HAVE MANNERS in setting your personal boundary

BUT Fuck part of living in a family home is you have to fucking TALK to each other sometime.

This is fucking bs frankly that you think you can be abusive in response to someone trying to initiate a conversation with you.

UNACCEPTABLE

The kids did that same fucked up rude responding To MY FRIENDS who visited

AND THE YOUNGEST who is not abusive to me normally
WAS RUDE And COPIED that communication style of the older sibling in response to MY FRIENDS Trying to say hello.

I watched the first couple episodes of The Kominsky Method on Netflix one night last week.

There was a scene with the bratty teen being rude to the mom's date when he comes to pick her up.

OH it was so familiar and it made me laugh.

But the fact teens DO THIS and mine is not the only one who was just juvenile and horrid and rude

doesn't really make it feel much better.

ONLY a little...

The show by the way was pretty funny.

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