2022-12-22 - 4:29 p.m.

Shit it's 4:30 already!
Time to take a quick Diaryland vent break, then my late afternoon ritual of

trying to file a Virginia Unemployment Claim from months ago.. LOL

Hey good news have an extra hour to try today with their recent upgrade of service hours!

Came just to vent it makes me sad to hear the wounding of the one kid. College kid home.
18 yr old successfully had Wisdom Teeth pulled!!
YEAH!

It went smoothly. Even with a rocky start to the morning. I set my alarm for 6:15 AM, got up and had to bathe and dress then take the dog for a walk. I came in the house and saw the clock reading 7:20 and and was like "What? It's that late?"

OH SNAP now I see why... I just checked the clock and it was apparently set to 6:30. So yeah... that would be a factor
Why expected it to be a little earlier.

SO I work the kid and said
WE have to go now. Get up.

And asked "did you get up and take the medicine yet?"
She said
NO!
and freaked that she was an hour late.

The instructions were to take two medications two hours before the procedure.

I said "Just take them now and let's go"

The next 20 minutes or so consisted of us arguing.

Until finally...
at 7:40 the kid swallowed the first pill and then ran in the house to get water ( she was trying to swallow dry! This is a special talent she sometimes has... ha ha...)

And she was rushing cause late
and took the 2nd pill but there were three left as she needed 2 more AFTER the procedure of that one
AND she DROPPED one of the three tiny pills left.

So the kid was stressed.

I had in my head the appointment was at 8AM.
Its' a 25 minute drive. We were leaving at 7:40. We planned to be there at 7:50 originally

There is a freezing rain storm happening at the time. My kid, when arguing with me initially tried to call the office ( it was closed) to consult with them what to do cause she overslept and her alarm did not go off OR she forgot to set it for the pre-op meds.

LAST NIGHT I had come down to talk to her when she and college student were game playing together, around 10 I guess, and I asked
"Did you use that mouthwash today you are supposed to use the night before?"
I Was ABOUT To ask if she was clear on the medications... and was ABOUT To remind her to set an alarm
and WANTED To remind her a good night sleep a good idea don't stay up too late... Maybe it was even 11pm...
and wanted to remind her DON"T EAT ANYTHING AFTER MIDNIGHT

but I was stopped from micromanaging or helping give further reminders

IMMEDIATELY SHUT DOWN as she in response very annoyed said "YES I KNOW!! I KNOW WHAT TO DO!"
and was exceptionally defensive, wanting to be left alone,
wanting desperately to be adulting..
but not quite there yet.
SO I felt kinda stupid I was up at 6 ish and didn't WAKE HER but did my thing getting ready and assumed she would be getting her self up. I was leaving her to it- listening to her comment the night before that she has got this!!

I felt I dropped the mothering ball just then.
BUT I finally won the argument and got her to listen to my wisdom.

I happen to have worked in care provider roles and settings etc... and a health care facility to degree in all those spaces...
so KNOW that if a medication has a time it is an ESTIMATE really. Based on the AVG time optimal for MOST people
BUT Really give or take an hour either way is not a crisis.

I also knew if you call and say not ready
could possibly have the thing CANCELLED and the kid will not be able to reschedule!

SO I got her to finally take the meds to go

Any my crappy KIA with the shitty motor that has issues, in the freezing rain, could not go more than 20 MPH when driving uphill- its not even much of a hill but just a road with a grade, and incline up a bit. So we were driving at a crawl.

AND NOW this is the funny part-- MY ADHD FAIL and ALSO IRONIC WIN at the same time.

We get there and the gal doing intake was so chill that it was FINE she took the meds late. I made a comment to the lady how of course when running late the car is at its worse and acting up too.

She said "Oh but you are early , so all good"

The appointment was scheduled for 8:50.

There on my phone calendar when I opened it I saw the reminder pop up!!

That was my ADHD mechanism of trying to plan to leave early which is a helpful tip. I swear sometimes I put things on my calendar early too. Other times I just decide when to get up and start the getting ready to go process and add an extra freaking 30 to 60 minutes to that process cause I KNOW my estimate is always wildly off- so I figure what I THINK I need then buffer it, Doubling a good bet! NEVER HURTS To be a half hour or less early for anything.

I can chill for 30 minutes and relax.

So the 18yr old and college student came back here yesterday after a couple days spent at their Dad's house.
My one kid commented she did not want to come back the night before as was sore! So I know he put them to work! (LOVE THAT ACTUALLY. I mean it could get excessive... all in balance... but the parenting philosophy that idle minds are the devil's playground is no doubt part of what informs his very old world style. Kids are expected to be the parent helpers and do any and all work that needs to be done in his family. The parents get to the point where they don't lift a finger and the kids do everything. I don't object to this AT ALL except in the manner of motivation sometimes used... but even then... it is all about HOW and to what degree the negative reinforcers are used! I ALSO think it is about the RELATIONSHIP with the kids. I think if it is a stepchild there is a difference frankly. What may be OK with your kid may not be ok with a step kid. But then again... he crossed line at times to be too harsh with them all.. I still in my gut think that they will work out their issues and all have a decent relationship with him AND furthermore that it is clear NO Extremes are good in parenting BUT EXTRA HARSH Authoritarian I actually think has been proved to be LESS damaging than overly permissive parenting! When you read about what works best!

*Abuse is a different story
BUT I have no problem with putting kids to work

SO I think it was good for them to be there.

The problem I have is that these kids seem to have the need to feel some sense of autonomy and when go there they follow every order and plan and seem to have NONE so when they come HERE
they counteract it by claiming self
claiming autonomy
and mainly at this point by saying NO to whatever I ask them to do.

So the college gal came home, and when FIRST HERE-

before they packed!
I asked "Would you like to help decorate with me? Get up the Christmas Tree and other decorations?"

And the response was "SURE!" Enthusiastically

Then I realized
Due to the hotbed of COVID outbreak at work
and the other kid going in for the oral surgery
I had best HIDE OUT and self quarantine from them all. I just didn't want to risk anyone catching COVID and you know if I were exposed on SAT ( I did have an encounter with an older Covid positive gentleman who came out when he was supposed to be in isolation. I had to help him back to his apt.)

So I told the college kid-
"Sorry but you have to sleep in the living room or share one of the other's bedroom this time"
The three discussed this and the living room was picked. The other rooms are small so it would be hard to even fit an extra mattress on the floor so the only option would be sleeping bag or blanket pile there or the living room couch.

So today, just about a hour ago, I came down to do the mothering clearly still needed-

and ask the kid if she took the medication yet that she needed to take six hrs post operation
(It was a NO response)
and I got it and brought it to her
and asked if she needed anything else.
The two are playing video games. She needs to keep her head upright so if feeling ok to do that, it is great!
She has been icing her mouth as supposed to do, and alternating tylenol and ibuprofen.

The college student made a comment about how I don't want to share my room with her. She said it was bullshit as I am down there so it is not that I am really quarantining.

NOT true
I just knew the other one ( as evidenced this AM) needs some post operation support and reminders...
so when she was first back did bring her a smoothie, and medication.
And am checking up on her to be sure she does what she is supposed to do

CAUSE if I Don't Something will be dropped. She is obviously in need of care like EVERY OTHER PERSON post op who was just medicated heavily!

AH Just stopped to write to check on kid-
She is now back in her bed, propped up with pillows so head upright and fast asleep.

GOOD! She needs rest for sure!!
And when wakes can get some ibuprofen again- will just wait til she wakes.
Its the three hour cycle of ibuprofen and Tylenol when awake- alternative every three hours to prevent swelling and reduce pain along with icing 20 min on and 20 min off.
She was good about icing it today.
*Will also check the ice pack made it back to freezer as if not I will pop it in!

It just makes me sad that the college student sounded so angry and hurt I have him in the living room and took it so personally and thinks I was LYING and using some excuse.

It also felt like an ATTACK from that kid in the delivery of his defensive being hurt. I know that is not the case. It just felt like that. (Well it sorta was gaslighting in a way. Telling self some story that is not true and they saying it to me in an accusatory and angry way. As if there was something I did that was intended to be hurtful)

At some point earlier today I mentioned something, I think it was the decorating? and that same college kid responded really nasty "I don't want to do anything with you."
OR maybe it was an invite or an inquiry if they would want to go somewhere. I forget the question that prompted the really angry sounding response. I felt like it was mean and frankly another one of those verbally abusive barbs that this kid throws at me unprovoked.
This is the college student.
It's very much like dejavu as their father is that kind of verbal abuser. He did it to all of us but to me in front of the kids most.
Which was AWFUL For them to all grow up with for the years they witnessed it.

Its like they all resort to the pattern when ...what,,, hungry, tired,,, emotionally upset.

Cause then I was talking about Christmas Eve how I am making dinner and we can have dinner, but I know then they are going to PA and I asked what time they will be leaving

Cause the oldest is coming to pick up the college student and they are heading there. The oldest said she did not want to pick up the one that just got wisdom teeth pulled BUT she said she WANTS TO GO and the two up thought the third too would want to go. ( That older sibling was upstairs asleep at the time.)

So college student said "Lets just celebrate on the 23rd. We can have a nice dinner then"
So I said - "OK"
I work in the morning til2 and then I said "So I get off at 2- Let's decorate then- get the clutter out of her and then put up the tree together"

OH that was the comment that brought forth the hurt comment by him.
I gestured to a pile of stuff and it was the college kid's stuff! I clarified
that there was other clutter around , things that don't belong in the middle of the living room and could be removed to free up room and make it nicer for decorating.

SIGH

At least there was agreement and enthusiasm to decorate together. (Or if not enthusiasm- I may be exaggerating there, at least agreement). I can assemble the tree tonight and hope that we can put on music and have fun doing that decorating together tomorrow.

I am still not convinced the gal who just had wisdom teeth will be up for a car ride To PA by Christmas Eve. The oldest of these four and I had talked and we both thought a better plan for ME to drive up the youngest of the pack so we could all visit a bit.

OH YEAH I was invited too.

I don't think I mentioned where the kids are going to in PA. They really want to enjoy Christmas morning with their kinda step siblings.
YEAH
They are heading up to their Dad's 2nd Ex wife's home.

They love her and her kids.
I think the oldest of these four really trauma bonded with her to be honest as they both fled the abuse around the same time. The one divorced him, and his oldest child was kicked out by him ( for something really stupid) and she then went back and forth between my house and the home of his 2nd EX. My oldest has been a marvelous help babysitting her kids over the years. She ALWAYS paid her for that service. She said she did not expect it to be imposed on any of the step-siblings who suddenly were forced to have instant big family of five younger siblings move into their home.

The oldest took to those kids.
The youngest is the same age as one of the kids and they are besties.
And one of the middle one's truly resented the whole thing for quite a while but grew out of that and likes the now Ex well enough, as well as really does like the kids, once grew out of the anger at how awful it was to have them all just descent into the home with chaos ensuing.
YEAH it was chaos.
Not my chaos so never will write about that but it did not go well.
And the other middle child seems quite indifferent about the whole thing; detached emotionally, and completely indifferent. That child would love to just move somewhere and create a whole new life and chosen family and I see that happening someday frankly. For some I think that is the only way to get through and over family abuse. Other's have capacity and choose to forgive. BUT by no means do I think either choice is better than the other. I have to respect the path EACH of my kid's need to take for THEIR SELF to feel WHOLE and KNOW THEY ARE LOVED.
Sometimes the path does not include their family.

SO BE IT

So I may never have all six of my children come home for Christmas.

This does not depress me.

It does make me a little sad. But just a little.

Cause I know I can enjoy time with each of them on their own terms in their own time.

and I also NEVER SAY NEVER

"May never" is being a realist

But at heart I am always an optimist.
It is not LIKELY in short term....but in the longer term POSSIBLE.

OK did not do the VEC... yet

will try now.
Then back to work as since home from the oral surgery I have been doing work for my client today. Hope to finish this contract review and send out the DEC invoice tonight.
I realized they never did cut me a check for the OCT invoice. (I trust just overlooked. The contract says to send invoices to some generic email accounting address and I got an invoice request for the RETAINER From a particular person I will send the updated invoice to in addition to the general mailbox address from the contract. I bet it is one of those things that is in the template but everyone just emails the accounting person who manages invoices directly and stuff in a general mailbox gets overlooked! THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME at companies!!)
EEK

OH The oldest considered coming for Christmas. But she has a cat she hoped to bring. She brought the cat when my basement was not yet rented- but that is not feasible now. She said she may take it as a sign that she is to take the four days off to rest. She intended to celebrate with her Dad who was going to come down from Buffalo to visit her in PA- BUT they got slammed with snow today so he did not travel. She could change her mind and knows she is welcomed. She can take the OTHER COUCH ...
or if the teen does go to see the other half of the created family then it would be me, my DC guy who is here on the 24th! YEAH HE is coming for dinner and to stay overnight and go to church Christmas morning with me- regardless of what kids are here or not.

But the thing is I am working now Christmas Eve in the AM til 2:30 ( The dude who was on duty has COVID). I am clear thus far.. and with hypervigilance trust will remain COVID Free. My DC guy is not concerned and figures take the risk as have not seen each other since Thanksgiving.
BUT JUST TO BE CAREFUL overall and mitigate risk of infecting others... just in case... limited my social interaction until tomorrow. That will be six days from my possible exposure to COVID so figure if all clear still by then I should not have to worry.
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