2022-12-26 - 10:54 a.m.
quick morning pages
I am exhausted and so happy to have a day home alone to rest in quiet.
Laughed at my horoscope
oopss..... that was for a Buffalo friend , my bestie who is an excellent counselor and social worker
She helps everyone else
BUT it is really actually out of her budget and she will be stressed and overwhelmed if she believes and listens to the DEALER Salesperson who is pitching to her.
So helping her by being her bossy friend just in the moment she needs that.
not for a big thing, but what a relief when he just said " I will come over Christmas Eve."
cause it was hard to plan with my KIDS not being able to commit to if they could travel to PA or not. ( And I get it- when chronically ill it makes it harder to commit cause one doesn't want to LET DOWN others if can't function and follow through! BUT THat leads to HABIT of being non committal... and that STRESSED the heck out of me... the challenge with planning cause others are non committal...
And if I am not committed and ask to work I will say yes and work around it. Cause no one else committed anyway.
I mean that is why I chose to work Christmas. The DC Guy and I talked about the holidays a LONG time ago and then he said "I am going to my sister's" And THEN Said nothing about trying to get together with me. So I was like "OK then... I am able to work. I am not getting an invite...and I am not expecting kids to want to be here... cause a few already said they don't WANT to be here. It triggers them... Etc."
and maybe in a couple years I will just invite them all EARLY and they can figure out how to handle their interactions and either not trigger each other or know how to respond to triggers without avoidance.
BUT the early NO
That is healthy and where they are at.
So all that to say it is nice when a man is finally able to be decisive and articulate that he wants to spend time with ME in particular.
And I respond to that for sure.
My kids ARE alot.
Art was mean I felt when he said "I did not understand how broken you are."
EXCEPT I was not afraid to have an authentic relationship and even learn to navigate one's ANGER in an healthy way- to communicate when we were trying to move forward. BUT
Damn why again am I thinking/writing about Art again??
I found the damn ring he gave me.
OH My lover in DC just told me yesterday he found two pairs of earrings that he set aside for safekeeping
I bet one is that missing set.
I did not ask him to describe them. I was mentioning I forgot to ask him to bring my book I left on the nightstand and he recalled the earrings. He said he noticed the book and had moved it intending to bring it but then forgot. Its Anais Nin's first volume I decided I really actually want to read through to the end of. Cause I think I never actually FINISHED vol 1. In true ADHD fashion I have just jumped around in her works but really want to try to read through in order.
So what I was going to write of is how it is so healing to know one is loved.
I suppose in a way I am the one who has found love but then somehow always finds a reason the guy is not good enough. Often these reasons have been valid and wise. I don't question that!
And Buffalo guy... I mean I CAN'T choose to have a life partner who is an alcoholic and watch him drink. I just can't.
But nonetheless it is nice to know that love is genuine and real. Even if we are not choosing a life partnership in living together. Somehow I can maintain that love from a distance while living my own separate life and seeing him. I had to distance myself when it was painful to want more and to know the NO is the wisest choice for me.
So I guess the fact of him posting pics on FB of gathering with college friends who are the same college friends we really bonded with together at a reunion six years ago when we hit it off and hooked up by the end of that what became and extended weekend...
And this couple came in from Colorado and contacted him to ask if he wanted to go to the Bills game they were traveling in to attend. And the gal is my friend I had been close to in college- the one who convinced me to come running with her. She gave me a hand me down pair of sneakers ( that gave me shin splints HA H) and then a card to order my own after I realized I ENJOYED running with the cross country team. I mean she was so beautiful this loving gal who just embraced me. I tutored her in some class...and she got an A. (And was shocked at my B-! HA HA By test time I could not recall the stuff I helped her understand and retain. I could always understand! Just couldn't retain... OR maybe could but by the time that test hit perhaps it was just too long of a day, and what I know figure was likely a dysautonomia mental fogginess..and the recall can't happen when stressed...etc... or the actual drop off to sleep mid test narcoleptic thing...) She could not believe I had these lower grades after helping the type A runners maintain their grades and scholarships.
In any case I saw these pictures of the couple, and then the RA I worked with! I was her assistant- we were a great team. And she and I still friendly, although honestly she and my Buffalo guy are such good friends. Its like he is one of her besties to go out and about in town. She socializes with him and a couple of the frat bros he is close with. She had been close with a couple of them he is close to- like same circle. Never dated but just like super close. Friend with their wives close. I mean her bestie in the whole world is one of those guys...
So my Buffalo guy and she and the Colorado couple met up for drinks after the Bills game. My guy said no to the game but said text me if you are going out again when in town and he was suprised to get a text later than night to meet at the spot they all drank at in college. It is an iconic spot. This college bar that used to get so packed you could not even walk around. They used to just buy cases of OV splits- these small bottles of beer called the split- 6 oz each I guess and the bar tender would bring out the case- box and all and drop it at your spot on the bar or your tiny table where folks crowed around and they were shared. Beer ordered at that bar by the case. Cause the bartender was not getting through the thick of packed students for a while.
We kinda were the chill floor- hell I was too damn tired and had to sleep by 9 ( no kidding! I mean I was EXHAUSTED and was like wake me only if actual emergency!) I would sleep earlier and GET UP to go out at 10 for just an hour on Thursdays to a different local watering hole... where I did not even drink, but it was a West Side of Buffalo local spot called the Arkansas wher MY BESTIE who lives off campus was friends with the bartender named Michael. We just went to visit with Michael there and drank our cranberry seltzer and visited with the local regulars. It was like Cheers. The English teacher from City Honors who was always there ( Which is hilarious as later in life ran into him again... as he was close with a former student who later became the amazing nanny/best friend of my first husband and basically part of OUR Family- caretaker of my oldest two... )
So those smiling faces out again... same folks ... I mean the same exact folks
It was the runner gal I had been close with, the RA I worked with, one other gal ( the runner gal who lives here in VA... not more than 30 min away by car. I biked to her house once to meet the two runner gals and hung with them once when Colorado gal was visiting here- but oddly she is the only one never took to me! She and I never got close but she is the one who lives near me), and my Buffalo guy who after that reunion one night closed out the iconic Buffalo Greek restaurant The Towne, downtown that is packed from 2am to 6am with folks spilling out of bars.
* Aside- I think the local gal never got close as when met her it was hard to not kinda actually answer the questions about my knife her as was with the other gal I WAS close with! So the other gal was asking about my life and I couldn't just fucking lie and be socially appropriate to develop relationship with the girl I don't know well! HA HA My fucked-up story was too much, I sounded like a traumatized hot mess as was answering questions. She has kids... I understand! HA HA She and the now Colorado gal were high school besties on a cross country team from outside Binghamton- small rural upstate NY simple and NORMAL lives... scholarship students and stellar athletes recruited to run who moved to the "big" city (HA HA) for college. OMG my trauma is too much. Its oversized unreal. So yeah, NORMAL and HEATHLY people ARE scared to get too close. They should be...
Anyway I have been blessed to be loved, and to have been loved by the friends and the men I have had in my life.
I did feel those actual heart ach pains of longing, of MISSING being there when those friends gathered recently.
DANG it really made me miss being in Buffalo in that moment.
My Buffalo guy invited me to go travel to catch a game in Cincinnati I think? I said no as it is day before travel plans ( or two days ? ) I have for my Christmas gift from child #4 to go with her to see Hadestown in NYC.
I can't risk travel and possibly getting stuck. That is priority.
But I appreciated the offer, and yeah now with enough distance I think I could go to a game and enjoy that time with him for a weekend. I can do this once in a blue moon. JUST NOT too often cause I can't fall madly in love and be pining
I made a choice. I mean I can do this long distance. Hell if he ever needed me I could go there and be there. But I can't LIVE and watch an alcoholic drink himself to death. I mean that is what happens. It is inevitable. It is only a matter of timing.
And my mother was the ice queen of passive aggressive toxicity. That is an Irish specialty!
I loved her dearly but not that part of her.
ANd the smoking...
I was reminded this when going to work and smelled the smoke come up a vent. ( OK it was freaking 5degrees out or something... Christmas Day... (or Eve?) and the first Christmas my lovely tenant was alone I think after her own life changes... so honestly I can give her some grace. She has been going out to walk for her cigarettes. I am highly allergic and yes get asthmatic. I have needed the inahler in the past few weeks- and honestly it may be something just gets in the vents. I have to change the filter...
Anyway hope that did not make her think overall my allergies/asthma are really not that bad....
Cause I did say I let my oldest bring her cat here once and stay in the basement. Figured clean it well- which I did when she was gone.
Cigarette smoke is different. It even lingers on walls.
I looked at an empty house I could not even step foot into without getting asthma as the smoke permeated every wall and fixture!
BUT I am going to let it be for now.
So a bit of grace.
I talked with my best friend yesterday who was in the house where six feet of snow fell. That is in the northtowns! She told me of the driving ban. (south gets hit hardest) My guy said in the 16 yrs in his house ( think that long?) he has never seen it this bad. He told me of the ban on even EMERGENCY Services.
Basically when it gets as bad as it was- it is more dangerous to send out emergency responders.
Think of it- to send one ambulance to save the one person having a heart attack
I mean with conditions at it was- it is literally a high percentage cars get stuck
So neighbors HAVE to just help and rely on close neighbors to check on each other.
so in Buffalo folks DO go out and snow blow right away and start clearing their street etc.
My guy said it took him four hours but he cleared his driveway and said there were 10 feet drifts in some spots to shovel and move and clear for some neighbors of his.
He is happy he got a new snowblower ( I think last year!)
I am sure this makes one face their mortality
so yeah he loves me
and yeah I love him too.
It was funny as He called me and I had wanted to call him BEFORE Work but talked my bestie down from just outright buying a car ( I mean she couldn't get out to do that... but day before storm got the contract... and was waiting on one approval...for loan for a 30K car... and I was just SURE it was too high price point! She wanted to leverage the trade in of what she has.... and get rid of it BEFORE it has serious issues cause check engine light going and she had a mechanic look at it and its going to have its slow death... HA HA...)
Talking to Buffalo guy he affirmed HELL YEAH... he shopped around and said it is amazing how once have another option how the dealer will suddenly negotiate. I told her she needs some other alternatives to leverage and see how low they will then go if she really wants THAT car... but she can find something she will love for 10K less. I am SURE of it! She needs to live in means!!
Anyway.. good to be loved and to love. But also know can only manage a couple days in the Buffalo guys smoky den of inequity! (HA HA)
It is a time of joy when with him for sure...
Like traveling but we then fight too (I know this is tension related to his alcohol use- cause when traveling he is not near the steady supply so I can SEE when it is withdrawal and the crankiness kicks in. I KNOW he is drinking less)
I mean unless he were to go to AA and become sober.
But can't do that. Have to love one where they are at. So yeah I love him
So be it.
Not choosing otherwise but yeah I think can travel and do a weekend again as do miss him.
And it is OK.
But not now.
and appreachite the song. So the funny thing was that I got his message and called back and he said "Listen to this song playing"
I did not look at the text and we talked like we normally do for a longish time... not as long as normal cause I was exhausted and ready to sleep when called him back really! I had to walk Bellatrix so called while walking her then came in and was ready for bed for sure!
I got off the phone with him, Saw the text, Thanked him wrote "listening now" and sent an emoji kiss.
the this is funny I think...
I was trying to click the link I think did but on the phone you tube popped up,
cause it was ironic was thinking how nice it was to spend time with DC guy but who is clearly not that into me.. HA HA
I mean it was funny in a way. We were trying to find a Christmas movie after enjoying a nice lamb dinner. (Which by the way I ended up doing the work of preparing while he fell asleep! HA He napped. He did keep me company but I was disoranized and not really good at giving prep chef direction. He would have hlped if I read the whole damn recipie first and delegated. I was too tired.. my AHDH kicking in...poor executive functioning skill so it was AHDH cooking HOURS...
meaning the process took twice as long
I was cleaning still when he arrived. I am proud I got the whole damn house cleaned top to bottom at least!
It was a really lovely time enjoying his company for dinner.. then a movie-
It was apropo...
About a player who falls in love. Kinda funny (although this guy is not showing any signs of falling in love with me and does not pretend otherwise. He is out of town next weekend... and I know it is cause he is pursuing a relationshio with a gal up there in the Jersey area... no dummy...and he already mentioned her although he may have forgotton this fun fact when he told me he is heading to Jersey, where he went just weeks ago to meet with "an old buddy"" uh hu... and I know also another current lover. Or he is wooing a potential lover.. I am no dummy and he had not pretended otherwise than we are the nice friends with benefits "couple" but he wants this kinda curated relationship.
Which yeah is good.... And ok by me cause he is doing this thing of all sorts of wonderful but NOT intercourse.
and OK for what it is.
But yeah we are not in love.
But all good.
And it WAS nice that he opted to go to church Sunday morning with me.
AGAIN that is something I long to have someone I love attend with me. Its like we can be Ok with loving each other as we do, with solid friendship and acceptance of each other but NOT that being in love feeling we both know is out there and can happen.
But we can love each other where we are at in the meantime.
And don't care really how it plays out or for how long, as we will enjoy the "it is what it is" for how long it works for us.
Now I WISH I had more ROOM Her
so it turned out that ALL of the kids did opt to go to PA. Forgive me if rambling and repeating- but point being he said he got a hint he felt from his bestie who asked about our plans and I think she hoped to be able to come along. I just had no place for her to crash. So its hard to host her.
I also was not sure if my oldest was going to come ( if found cat sitter or decided ok to leave the cat and come just for a day. If she came it would have been for a few days more likely).
So it was a nice Christmas of late dinner of roasted lamb, the rom com and then up early for breakfast and to be at church by 9:30.
Its just ironic when faced with the reality of how fragile life is - with the storm in Buffalo to get then
the I LOVE YOU message.
And for me to have to process by then,
HA HA emotionally avoidant as first reaction of course! *HA HA have to laugh
when the pop up of the Theory of Evolution of Autism came up
I swear I watched that FIRST
(and this is odd too.. there is a guy there heartbreakingly going through a divorce... who truth be told I REALLY LIKE... he is so .. sweet and honestly there was clearly some mutual attraction.. so how can I have two freaking lovers, one long distance one here but also still be acutely aware of the heartbreak of this man who's wife left him who I kinda like- I mean I find him an attracter PERSON I like his personality and he is a good looking man...even if a bit older..and I know there were moments... and I am like WHAT the fuck is wrong with me that my empathy radar went on
I don't know
a year ago... or more
I kinda have this weird sorta little crush on the super sweet man.
when wrong about something gbut saying it as if expert
can of a white guy (mansplaining almost) ego moment of him telling me what the music was (but I did not correct as sitting in the pew listening. He thought it was part of George Winston's Seasons.. )
I mean it made my choir director sly smile... chuckle held in as he said "maybe a motif was captured" as he said who the composer he actually played was. ( I am not a classical aficionado and don't pretend to be.)
the compliment given by my DC guy on the beautiful music but also self-important like I am in the club that knows this music
I mean I was taing in all the social small talk interaction in the moment
the smile of the chior director..
I mean it wasn't that bad
But also the amusement of Zack
the kind of elitism of certain social classes bs
But we are in loudoun
BUT DC dwellers think us hicks in the country when really the folks affording to live out here are commuting into DC.
There is this concert pianist my one DC friend posted went to a concert of. He is a neighbor. HA HA
OK so maybe it was just emotional avoidance that I had to listen to the autism lecture first ( It was really good!)
which was live streamed
YEAH he would see what it is clearly.
And get it...
The body never lies.
and process all of that Both the body language of my DC companion
that of the lonely heartbroken friend/guy sitting by himself kinda in the back of the church behind us ( who I am crushing on just a bit....) who I observed when looking at the video got coffee but did not socialize but sat back down
I so missed attending that. I missed singing but did not want to spread covid if asymptomatic carrier I really think with the massive outbreak at Spring Arbor worth it to be careful and just spend time with the one fellow only while still avoiding everyone else!
Just another few days til 10 days since I WAS in close proximity to the old dude confused that kept coming out for breakfast that one night!! HA HA
OK so it was avoidance as I was processing this message of love.
I then finally was prepared to take it in.
And you know- one of the gals , the RA I used to work with JUST posted college pics of us with a Merry Christmas!!
My heart is pining.
They are hitting me hard just now... HA HA
But all good.
I also talked with my oldest of the kids now visiting in PA with my 2nd Ex's 2nd Ex.... HA
It did make it home from work last night. Once those temps drop however it barely can run!! It was only 6 miles on the highway so I figured sing along with the radio and relax and slowly enjoy the ride home with hazards along as I hugged the shoulder. There were barely any cars on the road anyway. Made it home. I know it will drive better in the morning warmth as I made my way tomorrow to my mechanic to see what car hospice care he can give it.
Remember that vision of a kicking good full time role with real work life balance I can bike to?
Well you know maybe we do manifest our futures into being. Sometimes it takes longer than we expect but can still happen.
I am thinking again of that vision. Was a good one! I was healthier when exercising. I would not MIND relying on bike only again once it hits Spring. I just need this car to make it at least through winter and if I can drive it enough to keep it in decent enough shape to get through another winter that would be optimal. This and next winter. I can save money- I can then buy an new car. Won't have the payments from the legal fees. Will have more work!
So this week I will visit the folks I owe work to as auctioned my services locally at the business association party. I can walk over there actually. Today is the coldest day of the week so will go tomorrow or later in the week. I will bring my dog for the walk and we shall swing by the office to say hello. I can come back without her to do work when they like as well! But for the first trip just going to bring her with me on one of these warmer days. ( I know the lady who owns the business with her husband will love to see her!)
So now for my TO DO ( after this chilling writing which is my needed rest. So far one walk today then just this. I need this down time I swear after the crazy week!)
So a bit of work
Yes actually danced
So cheesy and formulaic
I thought it was going to just be a good fling but it was ridiculous.
And it was like I had just WANTED HIM
I mean I found him attractive two years earlier and had hung with him and his then girlfriend.
Yeah he was
People are always attractive when they are in love! They just RADIATE and it pulls everyone to want to be in their orbit.
And that is of course fine if they are in a good relationship. Others just think how wonderful it is to see the couple so happy but also feel the pull of that JOY and that love... and may find one or the other of the couple attractive. (Or both HA HA depending on your inclinations!)
So it wasn't like I ever really expected to BE WITH HIM. Until it was very clear I COULD and it would be a fine choice for the moment.
The thing is I think we both thought it was just gonna be a fling.
So the movie my DC guy picked is so very strangely ironic.
And in life the couple does not stay together in reality AS OFTEN as they do.
Despite those moments of actually falling in love.
Which I still swear are the magic that either happens in a moment
Or it doesn't
And can't force it
cause if it did not happen it is just not going to.
Oh back to what started my long writing. I really was trying to just plan my day. I made the mistake of reading my horoscope. And Buffalo blizzard in news so no avoiding thoughts of Buffalo for me today...
Hey it also said discipline is discipleship and dig into work today as if put in a bit of effort will yield rewards. Hell maybe the walk will happen today to local business? ( 5hrs of contract review the start. That donation could develop relationships and other paid work down the road! The one owner of a large developer- well actually the largest, was the other dude I socialized with come to think of it. I think I said he is not my target market as I am targeting NEW businesses clueless and am sure he has much knowledge already about his basic contracts as he has been doing it for 40 years! (Well his Dad did anyway.. now he took over) He said don't be so sure as he may need my help. He did not win the bid at the auction so if I knock it out of the part for his friends- the other company, I bet a reference will just organically happen and if I call him he may hire me too. I think they both will if I do well with the initial help. I like this idea of supporting local established businesses! Heck maybe I can just pull out the bike and ride there, winter notwithstanding! The other staff at the retirement community working reception biked to work yestardy! OH the lady who is the business owner was so amazing herself- she loves to sew and ran and interior design company and was in some major magazines in her day. Its been 20 yrs likely since then as she gave up her design work to partner with her husband on his company. Different work- but she helped build this 2nd company this time around with her husband who is great at what they as far as the services they provide, but she is the business hat of the partnerrship! )
Depening on how long VEC and the quick doc review take.
Chilling escaping cause I am just plain tired now. Emotionally drained. Heard again how AWFUL I am from the youngest. - 2022-12-30
So much for family game time. It was typical drama instead. - 2022-12-30
Working a couple hours then the family fun! Found the game to play for this year! ( That is our tradition) - 2022-12-29
Good enough- The simple practical gifts - 2022-12-29
Well, got some work done today. That was something anyway. Of course It was 4pm when finished. - 2022-12-26