2022-12-30 - 11:18 a.m.

OK I was excited thinking I could set the expectation; kids would come in and watch a couple Friends episodes and we could play a silly game.

Cause I have a friend who capably does things like facilitate this with her family and friends.

OH wait- I used to do this when they were younger too! Before any coordination I undertake was seen as some threatening controlling act designed to keep them down! (HA)

So.. No cooperation and fun family game this year.
There was protest
a response as if I was being controlling

It was hilarious in its twisted way.

The oldest did not realized her immediate tendency to have to be in charge and try to take over. This is what riles the youngest- So the oldest undid my set up and find Friends on Amazon as it would be better than the version (free ... pirated... with background image of some foliage and then the Friends episode kinda therein- smaller in the screen than typical with the English text captioned. I was happy with it as already scoped everywhere else to find the episodes.
Hulu has it for the live TV Hulu version. Only the college students have Hulu and it is the cheap student version. I knew all this- but let the oldest have at it. I know she does this as she wants to help
but also cause it makes her feel GOOD and feel VALUED and important to improve and help someone else. The younger kids only see her wanting to be self-important. I see that she actually genuinely wanted the best experience for all and that SURE if she could pull it up on her Amazon it would be a better viewing experience. She reminds me of her Aunt who in college I loved the heart of but others saw as trying to butt in and be a busy body- when I think she genuinely cared and wanted to help others.
There is that personality- the one doing stuff for others that other's mistrust and see as looking to be self-important. BOTH can be true at the same time! I swear it is an oldest child thing. Both her Aunt and the oldest of this set of kids have the oldest kid syndrome! (HA HA Child placement really does play into personality!)

Maybe I have less judgement at someone and don't assume motive. OR don't give a crap if someone is insecure when I know they ALSO have a heart of actually caring about others. It bothers me less when someone is bossy than it bothers me when someone is downright MEAN or RUDE.

I knew the moment the show stopped playing and the oldest was going to try to find it elsewhere to improve what I set up-

GAME OVER

I mean just all opportunity lost for any engagement.

Cause once she doesn't go along, and she tries to lead there will be instant reaction

It doesn't matter what she does

Her years of being bossy trigger the youngest intensely

And both are sensitive

(*Again lots of issues and lots of projection. It like someone has to take turns of the brunt of anger from trauma! And sometimes not the one most deserving of it. There is weird anger from the younger that the older exaggerated the abuse subject to. But they had DIFFERENT experiences.)
and the OLDEST is right that the youngest is overreactive and a bit nutty in her outright animosity of the oldest.
It is a not good dynamic between those two...
and they are not interested in working on it as of yet- maybe someday but honestly it is not my issue or problem to try to fix.

I mean I mentioned again to all- Hey don't knock therapy til you try it- I did find a family therapist in town that takes my insurance and is available...
Heck I have an appointment early next week but no one else would want to go for sure. So I will go. ( NOW that confirmed my health insurance will be active on the 1rst!)

So once the oldest was messing with the Friends episode I had up and playing already to "improve" it- that threw the flow...
It wasn't any longer just PLAYING passively on the TV.
That opened conversations
and then the others were like
"I don't want to watch this"

then they were discussing picking a movie
and the argument over what to watch...

Three out of four settled on DIE HARD ( as heck they never saw it!) Come on... it is classic...

and then the college student had already overtaken the living room couch where they were to sleep at night
And refused to move

And the youngest was going around FREAKED Out that I had cleaned up and CHANGED anything in the spaces.
She was opening cabinets and pulling out things I had tucked away to straighten up. Like her Ninja Blender.

*I touched her stuff and it pissed her off I put things away and out of sight.

I basically said I needed the ROOM to cook on the counter.

But of course let her undo all the clearing and straightening I did. (Not important. Her sense of this being HER SPACE and her sense of belonging and marking her territory is psychological need I GET. I mean I GET it- she is used to being invisible and trying not to be!)

and said "I need to sleep- go watch a movie upstairs"

By then the oldest had entered kitchen with me to disengage

having started the conflict by setting up just not going along with the plan
but then also disengaging so as to not be in line of fire as the other two started arguing and wanted to pull her and me into their fight over couch domain

I mean I had to cook

I set them up to do something fun together and not have to think about it while I cook

and figured then we could all play the game

as we usually do

But no one can just go along with a plan anyone else has come up with in this family
EVER

they all have this great need to be involved in decisioning

It seems so fucked up to me.

But whatever...
I quickly gave up expectation of family time chilling watching the silly show then playing the silly game

and just figured OK disengage from their squabbles

let them figure it out
and I would just cook.

I mean come on
There are also two couches and the other young adult (3rd out of the 4) already retreated to their bedroom upstairs and decided did not want to be part of the whole family gathering in my house anyway.

To each his/her/their own. Damn I could see why- the overstimulation of family arguments...

but before leaving had to be dramatic and negative.

So I cooked and the oldest helped set the table and we moved my laptop, no longer chrome casting to the TV- but BACK on the crappy version of Friends I found and started the first episode over and we watched it while cooking dinner.

The dinner at least came out good!
So when done all but one came and ate together.

(And honestly I never saw that first episode of Friends before. It was kinda fun to watch it with at least one kid as cooking with her help setting the table.)

I just nixed the whole movie thing and no one put it on after dinner. I mean in the fighting over the couch while I was cooking- I said "Why don't you go upstairs to rest before dinner if you are tired now and everyone else can watch the movie here"

But then that kid tried to pull the older who was to sleep in my room on a mattress into a fight saying "If I do that then YOU can have the couch later- sure I will go upstairs if I get the mattress."

It was such manipulation the kid was trying

No one bit at that invitation to argument.

And it was obvious BS. The kid acted too tired to move or let anyone else put the movie on but AFTER dinner when the rest of us went upstairs that kid was sitting there with his laptop up later than anyone else watching their shows. JUST A BULLSHIT Artist and a manipulator who is truly the most selfish of my kids. Always needs to get their own way and be the center of attention when together. Can't just go along with a plan. When outvoted (like when 3 out of 4 voted to put on a movie) has to selfishly THWART the execution. Complete self-centered behavior.

No point in getting into power struggles when it's a losing battle and will just escalate and create MORE drama.

This kid only here for a visit.

I just said- "You can just lay on my bed and take a nap until dinner NOW if you are tired- no need to rearrange sleeping or pull anyone else into this conversation. There is just no need to fight about this- just go upstairs if you need a nap rather than lay in the middle of the living room when all gathering here."

Stubborn kid ignored me.

Its the ultimate control move that he always resorts to- taking over the living room couch.

I don't fucking care which visitor is in my room on the mattress at foot of bed. I do care that the living room couch is not accessible to be shared and that we can't all sit together and watch a damn show or play a game together cause one manipulates possibility.

But I was not going to let that behavior ruin the night.

Older one and I just then disengaged into kitchen and both said to the other two to figure it out ( as to the couch config and if put on movie- whatever)

The other who retreated to their room did not come down for dinner when ready- but emerged later to grab food and at least then commented on how good the Yorkshire pudding was.

The retreat to room from them was under the guise of when opened the gifts they took it really personally that I got things they did not like. I was like- Just be gracious and you can go return and get something you do like. I mean it is not a personal affront- or not intended to be to get some Old Spice boxed gift of stuff.

Hell I was trying.

But I think it is like there is really overwhelm with so many people (and negativity of the youngest toward oldest) but rather than say "I need to go upstairs this is too much" the autistic kid just gets overwhelmed to the point of some outburst and finds some excuse to lash out at me while then disengaging to retreat to own space.

I mean it is not really rational to get angry cause you get a gift not fond of. Disappointed yes, but ANGRY?

I mean the other teen/young adult at least laughed at the cologne given called "HIM"
and said
"This is so cis white boy!"
LAUGHED and said " I am not a white boy" but then added "but ______is! I will give it to him" (Bestie- Yeah best friend)

So did not like it but was not ANGRY.

Hell I tried. They identify masculine so I got what boy things could find in my limited budget and minimal shopping close to home. I can't afford any of the really thoughtful practical gifts I would have LIKED to get
like non binary swim wear so they would be comfortable going to a pool or swimming at a beach for example

I just don't have money for that just now.

And NONE of them gave me any ideas of gifts when asked. I mean I asked the youngest many times if anything she wanted. NADA in response

And I have no money to be spending right now really.

So I did best to have a few gifts. Disappointed that the one complained. I mean I got Simpsons PJS cause thought they would like those. They played the Simpsons video game in past and it was fun. Thought they liked that. Thought PJs are comfy but who really cares what is on them? But even that got a complaint!

So did not expect Simpsons PJs that are just silly would be received so ungraciously! (They also on sale so in budget! I mean really I had very limited options.... I was working with a limited set of constraints!! I had a bunch of items picked out ALSO on sale at Nordstrom Rack.. I mean 70% off for NICER Stuff but I nixed that idea once looked at my budget and settled for what could find at Target. So be it..that is what I could afford this year! * I mean the Norstrom shopping cart would have cost me TWICE the amount spend. Considering I have ZERO money really in budget for gifts- well what the hell... why complain?

So they all got Target PJS some with Simpsons and one with Snoopy EXCEPT for the oldest who got the Thrift store PJs. They actually are really thick, cozy and nice and had a NEW tag on them and were a FIND. But I did not find anything nice like that for the others at the thrift store- so they got what I could find!

But they all then seem to measure- to look at what the other got and presume it was better. Its so freaking irritating. I mean they see the seemingly nicer item of one and get jealous. Just can't please everyone.

BUT honestly when one kid is NOT abusive to me and others ARE are that WILL inform who gets the nicer item. NO DOUBT

I mean don't tell you mother you have no interest in interacting and if I ask about your life say
None of your business
then be surprised
If when I get to choose which kid gets the thick cosy PJs and which gets the thinner WalMart ones you are not getting the nicest pair.

And as far as being insensitive by giving sented products to the one kid-
I mean I KNOW the one kid is allergic to almost EVERYTHING

BUT so am I and I know after the initial reaction the body settles and adjusts sometimes

and the kid DOES still use products. So to be angry at anything perfumed at all seems a bit not fair as I KNOW the kid has used some scented products that are not irritating!

Try it and see if it works for you? If not trade with siblings? That is usually what they do. This time the kid just acted like it was awful and went off about how would rather I give NO gifts to them than buy shit they don't like- AS if I could mind read. OR as if I am paying zero attention to them and they find that so offensive cause got any scented products.

What the hell?

I mean last year I bought binders for the queer kid who does not want to be objectified and

I mean these kids want to be non binary
and some want to present male
and I think it is opposite of what some adults presume is a call for attention

But moreso the EXACT opposite
that they want to be GENDERLESS

They want to not be seen through ANY Lens of assumptions

They want to be just seen NOT for exterior bodies

but respected only for MINDS

I think that is what has informed who they are

It comes I think from their being taught the god to worship is BEING SMART
even moreso than hard work
and your accomplishment

Honestly that seems the god their Dad puts before all else is work that is based on being smart
Not ANY WORK
but white collar work ( which is fucked up as his Dad a blue collar hard working laborer)

somehow

Motivating his philosophy of "I don't believe in generational wealth"

Which is why it is all the more fucked up he lives on some fucking million dollar property and lives house poor and doesn't help his kids

I mean what the fuck is he putting all his money into some place which neither he nor family seem to benefit from

I just don't get it.

Hey no wonder they are agnostic

If you were taught the only god to be revered is hard work or a specific nature

and you are actually DiSABLED and don't see that as feasible for you

well
that philosophy of life is so ableist
that of course it must be rejected.

Think about it

Their Dad seems to value labor (of only the kind he does) about all else. Work above all else.

So much so that he seems to think giving anyone anything for comfort - home security money for healthcare, healthcare
etc

will CAUSE a lack of motivation and encourage laziness

cause one is only valued if WORKING

WORK Is the almighty value

Well that doesn't work for these kids who are seriously in pain and living with chronic illness.

And I think it gives a crisis of identity. Of course it does. They were taught to not feel limited or defined by gender roles.

CHECK- they bought that for sure so just abolish completely identification via gender at all it seems to me.

So as to not be boxed in

and seem also to have only been taught to value the kind of work modeled

WELL if can't do that

There is not much vision of alternatives

So of course they are a bit lost and trying to figure it out. The start is to reject the paradigms shown that are not jiving with them.

But I ramble...

It is my therapy and the way I just let them all be to rest when that seems to be what they need.

I did work this morning myself. Finished a task that came in.

So after the follow up appointment of the kids' visit to oral surgon ( it is healing well!)
Maybe today I can just throw on Die Hard and we can really just chill and watch a movie together without drama.

Maybe the drama is over.

And everyone is rested. (Oh dinner was peaceful and good at least. Then we just all went to bed!)

�

�