2023-01-01 - 10:22 a.m.

Notes from visiting Pastor's sermon
Rev Nacy Neal

Quoting from poet I need to find ( missed name)

We have objectified time

Good capitalists
Poor poets

Love so much about this sermon

To start pastor spoke of how she just cane from retreat at the Trappist monastery

One of my fav places to go retreat myself, but for me that means a couple hours.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-13

For everything there is a time

Song turn turn turn ( 60s or 70s?) based on the text.

Living life In seasons helps us cope with change.

Yes

There will always be a new season to face even it that means time for things to die and morn their loss
Or throw away that which keeps us from growing

To make fertile and be ready for new growth.

Of course sometimes thst means putting up with shit in the process, right?

It is sometimes, miraculously, against reason the richest fertilizer.

( Pastor did not say that- my added thought as during this time of me being home focused on family it feels like hear lots of BS

From others who don't want to spend time with me where I am at.

They want my time and attention on their own terms and it just feels crappy in the moment honestly to know

Not that important

Maybe MY self-centeredness

But to send me a fucking Happy New Year at 4:30 pm cause you have another Date feels shitty.

And to have from the other professing " Have I told you lately that I love you"

And make me feel both loved but that Heartbreak again

Cause yeah I am unavailable too to you beloved in your alcoholism and mostly emotional and physical detachment ... but for a moment likely after a few drinks where you let yourself unmask your truth

Despite his actual emotional unavailability

It still is a happy thing to think loved in the moment,

To wish could spend that time

And to get yet again the invite to go meet cause he does miss me. So he was inviting me to go meet him in Cincinnati for the Mon night Bill's game ( mentioned a while ago but then again one day last week, Wed I guess or Thu.)

But to which I said ( cause I honestly have no sense of time or schedule and in moment on Wed or Thu was not even realizing the conversation was about this coming Mon so close in time....

I had no clue if working either so said. "Wait I can't travel for Mon. Need to be sure back well in time for Tue gift from daughter she bought and planned months ago

But, maybe if you are to go all weekend I could meet you earlier Fri Sat or Sun?

Still have buffer of weather or other issue delaying travel to be sure back in time for Tue. I want to prioritize Tue but earlier might work ...let me check my work schedule."

To which he Said "that's tomorrow 🤔 not much chance of that so soon "

I had not realized so soon either when thought of that. /p>

Yeah I suck at time,

He Said something like not sure he was going and would then have to be ready soon etc not sure he could do it at all, short notice etc....

Etc

I realized I was scheduled to work anyway (honestly no clue. Again the ADHD brain thing. Zero schedule memory for schedules or concepts of time BUT For when intensely focusing and the calendar open in front of me.
I have to look EVERY day and know that day only,

and really work to plan ahead and carve out commitments which I prefer to do well ahead of time but can be flexible if calendar clear...)

So turns out

Both guys. My DC dude

and the Buffalo one

had plans already this weekend.

Both players.

I am no fool

Other folks love to take pics and post on FB

Players don't benefit from social media.

It just feels shitty.

So the invite for Mon was to tack time with me after the rest of weekend in a city a decent drive for him. Sure he was gonna fly me in so that made me feel special (he has major points from work acct not used). But the invite was never meant for earlier than Monday. I THREW him by suggesting meeting the weekend and not Mon. And I don't believe for a minute he did not already have plans for the whole weekend. I can see now he intentionally just wanted to include me on Monday if I could make that.

I was going to be fit in I am sure cause he did fall for me and misses me and sure he should keep looking for someone that might enter his world the way I won't.

Fair enough. That is the expectation. But it still

Or the back pocket back up plan to prevent a guy's loneliness.

Maybe narcissistic of me but someday it would be nice to date a guy actually falling in love with me.

Actual me

In the particular.

Who I could also fall for.

Ce la vie

Players gonna play.

And I am still non available anyway as long as my family comes first

And prospects can't fit in my world. Ce la vie...just feels a bit shitty. I mean the the guys in my world both made New Years Eve plans that did not include me. Neither vested in future. Both killing time with me. It is what it is. I just did not expect such a visceral reaction to a Happy New Year sent at 4:30 pm. FUCK YOU Don't fucking do that. I mean it is better to not send any msg if you are going to be otherwise occupied at midnight. I mean it just is a shitty thing to do. To remind your date that you have ANOTHER date for New Years Eve and preemptively let it be known there is no intention of trying to reach out and connect at that moment. I mean it just feels shitty. Cause you know what? I have gotten those midnight texts from one who LOVED me enough to at least let me know I was important. So I know it is not that fucking hard to do. No matter where the fuck you are. UNLESS you are with another person who would notice. And for whom that would be an issue. And if that is the case then what the fuck are you doing? Stop fucking around and decide what you want in life asshole and don't make your decisions only all about you without regard to other's feelings. Fucking narcisstic behavior. That is what it is. I don't think self-centered for a moment for me to expect a man who intends to be with me and act like he has some deep attachment and wants to have "authenticity" of connection with shared physical intimacy to ALSO have some ability to prioritize a relationship with me and not keep it in the shadows. Cause that 4:30 text and you not wanting to communicate at all once get to friend's house clearly means I am in your fucking shadow I am the shadow girl. I mean I get it that want to be fully present when visiting friends other family ETC But there is always a possibility for a one-minute text if you are a texter. NOW the thing is when I am with him he is texting his friends. So it is BS that he does not do that. I have seen it. That is what pisses me off about the one guy. THE OTHER Guy who is a bit more old school and who REALLY does not text much; I don't expect to hear from at all. But he also did not send a fucking 4:30 pm text to REMIND me of his having other plans. If he did I would have found it weird from him. BUT from the OTHER who is a regular texter I found it fucking offensive. Maybe juvenile of me. I don't fucking text much, In fact I left for work and did not see that 4:30 pm text til after home/ But still my visceral finding it of offense surprised me. And I don't know if normal and reasonable OR if I am just emotionally not in a good state and have been finding everything negative just now as still in a negative frame of mind. still struggling a bit with feeling down and in the midst of kid's moments of outright negativity toward me that feels like verbal abuse FEELS like they are narcissistic gaslighting me WELL I find it so very depressing To not have some emotional support or anchor other than INTERNAL MYSELF I am all for open relationships, but the key is #1 ACTUAL REALTIONSHIP and that is the part narcissist's fall short in and it is feeling like the DC guy dating is really all about his needs being met. I think I am also pissed as he invited me to see a musician he likes but he completely FORGOT he brought me to see that same artist a couple years ago. I mean I am having trouble getting excite about a date with him in a week or two ( I would again have to look at the calendar... maybe next weekend?) To see the musician he was so excited to share with me a couple years ago YET HE completely FORGOT about that date. I mean really?? IT was not about time with me clearly. To fucking forget about dates. This dude has told me stories about moments I WAS THERE FOR. That he fucking forget I WAS THERE FOR in his telling. Fucking talking about walking around a neighborhood where he and a couple friends went to the Italian deli.. uh yeah... you forget that was with me. OH YEAH but you did it a week earlier with someone else. I mean it feels so much ALL ABOUT HIM and he fits in accompaniment, and it is not that important WHO so he doesn't have to go do the things he loves by himself. I don't get that. Just fucking go alone dude if you don't really care about actual connection to others. If it is about hearing the music or experiencing the place- Just fucking go BY YOURSELF To really take it in without distraction. If it not about nurturing yourself with things you enjoy and about developing relationship with another THEN maybe pay some attentiveness to the OTHER and choose things that help YOU BOTH GROW TOGETHER and get out of your own fucking head and be more fully present interacting with the other. I mean to not fucking REMEMBER my presence. This has happened on multiple occasions- stories of places/bands/ concerts etc... I just don't feel valued. SO YEAH if you want a open relationship have to have #1 ACTUAL relationship! and #2 ACTUALLY OPEN COMMUNICATION that does not mean on the prowl and look for the next best thing to come along and bide your time with me. FUCK YOU That just pisses me off. But it also makes me want to get some clarity and definition to the relationship and if a guy won't talk emotion at all. Won't emotionally discuss and connect other than to use clearly NON ATTACHED language about time together. Like the fucking "that was a nice session playing" after fucking around well then it is clearly just sex for him without attachment then that just makes it clear to me to accept it is what it is and mutually USE HIM as suits me. It doesn't make me at all inclined to attachment. YET if he wants to "pretend" at relationship when not really investing in one- that is worse as it makes me want to just pull away and say to hell with this BS manipulation The ultimate gaslighting is pretending a reality is one thing when it is another. SO I have not been pretending. I keep it real. I keep the boundaries clear while being open to offer that which I can. It just gets difficult not having a REAL relationship. Just these distance things. Cause even if the one is local enough... he is very distant. It feels just like a long distance relationship. He doesn't really want any more authentic connection it seems to me. I am not sure if he is capable of it as he still is very much in this place ( odd for one so old.. but whatever) of feeling like he has to figure himself out. The self centered ness of needing alone time to grow is where he is at. SO I get it and can respect it BUT it may not be what I need. SIGH Ce la vie. I just think perhaps we are looking for very different things in the end. I want deep SPIRITUAL connection. I think he was dabbling in trying to understand deep faith. Its not something you can really WILL To exist. Either you HAVE it or you don't. Hard. Well no, almost impossible to fake it. And I don't JUDGE him for not having that. But it is what it is. HE is seeking the carnal and I am seeking the ethereal, the spiritual. I want the WHOLE package- the cojoining of all these elements in an alchemy of love and relationship. FUCK It just sucks as I did HAVE that so know it is possible. I HAVE experienced it. I just want it in relationship with one who's ego doesn't take over and have it turn to control and abuse. (Self abuse or of me /others). OK Feel better after venting. I just had to get all this fucking reaction out of my system so I can interreact with sincerity and not defensive hurt when next communicated with these men in my life. I did connect with my various Buffalo peeps. YEAH I have some close girlfriends, and my bestie now out in CA. But the thing is - hell the Buffalo folks just weathered literally the worst storm of century. So my role in speaking with them was VERY MUCH Listening. I just didn't have time to process and vent on my relationships. Was not time or place to be chatting about trivialities of my "non committed" lover etc... Other things priority! TEENS in house creates very lonely situation. Seriously Its like being an empty nester but with a house so packed with kids that are not ready to fly yet don't want to let anyone else in There is no fucking room for anyone else cause they also are so PROTECTIVE and scared to let anyone else in their needed sanctuary as they are figuring out who THEY ARE. Working on that... HELL therapy this week! YAH That should help and I won't have to RANT on here. OH, And I suppose I did feel a bit better about the Christmas gift from the DC guy as I was getting dressed for Church this AM and wanted black stockings and realized- wait, when ignore the ridiculous nonsense marketing of the skinny hot Asian model wearing the black thigh high stockings in stiletto heals and nothing else but g string... OH Wait.. I wanted black stockings or tights and realized THAT gift was actually VERY Thoughtfully FOR ME- yes just black thigh high stockings which are really versatile and practical and truly on my wish list! HA HA In the end, I like them... and just what I needed as I put on a lovely long paisley red and black skirt with red sweater getting ready for church as I wanted to wear my nice black pumps. YEAH the stockings are nice. Simple.Basic. Traditional You can market anything and find is useful for various purposes. So I am wearing those today - wore to church and am leaving on as I go to work today. The other item bra and panties that to might be utilitarian and useful FOR ME for every day wear. Hell if and when I feel like dressing for this guy sexy... truth be told the lingerie I picked out for myself is actually MUCH Sexier and hotter than the bra and panties he also gave me... TRUTH: Guys some gals prefer to pick their own lingerie. We know What LOOKS GOOD ON US. Some of us will have no problem getting selves into sexy mood and physically manifest what we KNOW will make you desirous and want to share that experience of our seduction with you WHEN YOU ARE DESERVING Of it. which fuckers Means after you either : 1. Nurture the relationship if it is icing on the cake OR 2. When we damn well feel like it - If you are being objectified by US sexy women who are not adverse to good sex for good sex OR 3. When we are in the MOOD to being VULNERABLE and TRUSTING and want you to dominate in a moment. ( That is about absolute TRUST and letting go in a moment. YES can be VERY sexy but also can work best when in an actual relationship. You can't PRETEND and expect to "curate" such dynamic dudes.) This is what irritates me I think. The one guy wants the icing but doesn't want to do the REAL work of building the actual cake first. For me good sex is the icing... it can't be a stand alone. OH BUT WAIT.. except when that is ALL it is. I mean that is something entirely different. And yeah... hot.. but also I have never had THAT kind of lover/experience EXCEPT when there was a preexisting foundation of friendship/trust FIRST. YEAH I have had lovers over years who are just lovers. Not commitment. Not need for communication in between- BUT there was always a FOUNDATION of actual mutual friendship and respect developed FIRST. But the thing is those are all VERY DISTINCT different things. and the first takes actual WORK and emotional vulnerability and authentic connection and regular communication and SEEING the person REGULARLY If you only will see a woman once every couple of weeks and don't even fucking call in between YOU ARE CHOOSING #2 To be just an object of pleasure YOURSELF and you know then... for me... if you are just looking for the objectified sex connect Fuck then I kinda resent the play at dating and pretending to have a relationship of other sort. I think that is what is irritating me. Cause THAT feels like the ULTIMATE NARCISSISTIC DATING GASLIGHTING. I PREFER the hook up RANDOM whenever the hell both are into it. I kinda prefer the sex only relationship to not be CONFUSING/ don't send fucking mixed signals. I mean I respect and like the fact that if I want a good romp... and if he wants a good sexual experience... there is a good lover whom I can connect with. The younger guy.. who will text when in mood and I will say YEAH or nay and likewise who I can connect with when in mood if he is game But I mean I HAVE THAT I kinda always have someone like that in my corner. Truth be told. There is never trouble finding a LOVER But is the acting like want a RELATIONSHIP if don't really want to do the work that gets me irritated. I suppose I just need to have a clarifying conversation as the DC guy is making me annoyed with the IN BETWEEN Either Fucking decide you are into me and invest in a real relationship OR NOT. Don't waste my time. Cause it was never presented as all about sex. That WAS NOT the deal. It was presented as "open REALTIONSHIP" but I am still getting little feeling of actual relationship development. That doesn't make me feel inclined to want to be with him. It makes me look at the fucking lingerie as a Christmas Gift and thing "What the fuck?" Really maybe passive aggressive but if it were hot I might be more inclined to then call the sex toy boy when in the mood and feel like putting it on. ( Its really just hot in a very CIS WHITE MAN depiction way-- which is why I think it is also getting my ire...I mean I have a fucking visceral BAD Reaction to the hot Asian women being objectified on the marketing ... that just fucking rubs me the wrong way and reminds me of the White CIS nature of this grown privileged upper class boy... I mean can you take the son of a white collar exec out of the burbs and change him so much?? OR does the apple really not fall far?? I know I am judging SO MUCH But why the fuck can't I have a lover that gives me a FUCKING POETRY BOOK Or fucking a decent song.. I am so judgmental and picky and demanding I guess But I am just fucking missing creative types IDK but I am feeling devalued. Maybe it is just me. Where I am emotionally at and not at all about the guys in my periphial world at all. They are on the periohary as that is only where I can let/fit them in just now anwyaay. I know this. I am emotionally unavailable as well. I try to remind myself of that as I am Trying to be emotionally available to my TEENS and make them the priority. This is a phase a season and their grwoth is what I am trying to nurther. Mine can come in tandem or later. But it will all happen inevitably. This gives me peace to know this is just the SEASON I am in. So be it. Life goes on and as my mom would say "This too shall pass."

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