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2023-01-10 - 9:21 p.m.

Maybe I am a fool.

BUT... I really believe in integrity of honoring contracts and agreements.

I found work via UPWORK

They get a cut ( 18% service fee I believe).
The company I am supporting is HAPPY To pay me via upwork; but they also would be just as happy to draft a contract and pay me direct.

In other words
they have no problem cutting out the middle man as to them it is the same cost either way.

For me it is in fact an opportunity to make MORE money by cutting out the middle man.

BUT my integrity won't allow me to do that.

I mean period.

I just can't

I take non competes and honoring contracts very serious.

I even judge the friends I know have used fake addresses to pay less in their car insurance.

I mean I don't get it.

How is it really worth compromising your integrity to save a few bucks?

I mean if you will compromise integrity then when it suits you; where is the line?

Why follow any rules? Why respect any laws? They are all for the GREATER good.

Why not just do what is best for YOU Then all the time??

I suppose I am judgmental.

Heck I broke up with one guy I dated years back when I found out his whole business was based on stealing a client of his employer and setting up his own shop. He then was also not ambitious and did not do the work to get other clients.

I honestly saw him as both selfish AND LAZY.

I mean I had such little respect for him after he bragged about how he started his company.

He told the story and I was appalled.

I mean what I heard I thought was downright SHAMEFUL.

I of course was polite.

I just listened and said what I could in response that WAS KIND.

But I could not help but think it was awful.

And I could not shake the fact I had little respect for him after that as his integrity was questionable to me.

That is what it comes down to.

I mean how can you trust someone like that to have integrity in your RELATIONSHIP , your dating relationship. if the person has no integrity in their business dealings??

I Mean stealing clients is a hard NO NO.

I watched the Maid on Netflix and LOVED IT - but at the same time I thought she was a bit self centered at times and it was justified because she was poor. I get it..she had to eat. BUT She could have started her own business as a side hustle and NOT stolen the clients from HER BOSS.

Honestly if she just knocked on doors and did not steal that client she could have also built her business.

I just have a problem with deceptive people.

I also think I know when they are deceptive. I have a keen radar.

I sometimes just don't bother calling them out. I might even still deal with them; or maintain some sort of ... IDK... relationship? Working, or an acquaintance.

or even friend... but it will be at a distance.

It is a block to MY TRUST of the other person and a clear block to MY ability to have meaningful intimacy with someone when I know they have lied.

Plain and simple.

So fool that I am , I just spent time fixing the payment issue on Upwork that had presented. I set up the account with my personal name but using my business email. I tried to send payment to my business bank account but the thing is that is not IDENTICAL to the name on my Upwork account!

So I had to send Upwork paperwork to prove the bank account is owned by me. Articles of Incorporation. bank statement, IRS EIN number assigned etc..

I finally successfully proved identity of the bank account holder of my business account IS IN FACT ME.

I tried a couple times before and somehow it has failed before. I got a help tix in tonight and it was resolved rather quickly!
That is good news as I then could GET PAID ( at least my company is getting paid!)


So that means I will have paid off about 1/2 the cost of the professional web site! HA HA
I mean so far invoiced actually paid have paid for that much of the initial start up investment.

But its progress! In another couple months, with a couple more invoices from the two viable EXISTING clients I am getting work from I will have the whole web page and marketing design work paid off! *I do love the company logo!

I honestly think that was a good $3000 investment. That is what I paid for the logo and web design.

I am actually reluctant to try to find more clients for my business because the better plan long term is to FIRST find a full time job that is not a heavy lift.
I mean a job like the last one ( or the one I had a few years ago. I mean really- the job where I had to GET USED to not working that hard! HA HA The "quasi" govt org I worked for where I was like "OMG some folks really ONLY Work 8 am to 4pm RELIGIOUSLY AND TAKE A WHOLE LUNCH HOUR?? EVERY DAY?? " I mean it was eye opening that folks were actually done with work at 4 pm sharp with full benefits and decent salary and three full weeks of paid vacation on top of 10 official federal holidays AND personal time in event of illness or family emergency! I mean sick time in addition to holiday and vacation!! GOVT paradigms for work are truly the best work life balance! NO KIDDING!)

So at this point in my life I KNOW those jobs are out there! Hell I had a perfect one ...

I mean I did have it--

but I blew it by the new business. AND by asking if they had anything more they needed me to do.

I mean the year BEFORE I went to a freaking beautiful ISLAND to visit my oldest and worked every AM then hit the beach every day. It was freaking amazing. The amount of work each day was so little and I could rock it then literally have MUCH Of the day to explore this freaking incredible place with my oldest. We swam, hiked, hit museums, and it was unbelieveable just how LITTLE one could actually work in a day and how much free time one COULD have in a day in a job that was paying great! I was practicing guitar every other day while there. We watched Killing EVE at night to chill on Netflix as my oldest and I were living in a lovely hotel for 10 days in freaking paradise.

SIGH.... THAT JULY I was not asking for more work to do.

My fatal flaw was not just scheduling a working vacation again last July and hitting the island and ocean and snorkling and not being anxious about income and NOT asking them "anything more you need help with?" when the whole freaking company was actually ... Out to Lunch...

I mean that company would be like "Where's ____XXXXXXX?" ( the CEO) "

and response would be "No clue... he might show up next week"

and it was just FINE that the company culture was--- WELL VERY CHILL

It was like the DREAM JOB
and I BLEW it by having a work ethic where I thought I should actually start to add value and see what I could help them IMPROVE once I had finished the projects I was working on.

I should have just gone out to lunch... or the beach....
and logged in to check in periodically,,,,


I would still have that job had I just kept my mouth SHUT about my own new company and not called attention to the fact I had time on my hands.

OH Well...

lesson learned. I mean I had a contract for 20 hrs paid REGULARLY A week- four hours a day (minimum) and it was just PERFECT. STEADY income; a 401 K- perfect salary for a decent healthcare plan and also not so high such that my kids got approved for GRANTS to pay for college. I mean it was the SWEET SPOT of salary and work life balance. I was not GETTING AHEAD but I wasn't increasing debt ( much ) either. I was increasing debt a little. as the income was a bit lower than needed truth be told... but at the same time... It was that cusp of if I made more my kids in college may have lost their financial aid! SO YEAH The perfect sweet spot! NOW the income is non existant so these younger kids can't fathom college even being affordable! SO I HAVE To land a good job again!!

I have two good clients.

Work coming in that is enough for now ( sorta). I mean with my tenant paying rent I can pay the mortgage each month along with the earnings from the retirement community.

Help for food and medical for short term...

So I am being patient and just KEEP JOB HUNTING til find the full time gig.

I just need to find that NEXT so I know I can continue to rock the support of these part time clients when working the full time role I will find... eventually.

I FINALLY Got into VEC today. But it was odd as it did not allow me to fill in the past missed claims! It just had a place to report LAST weeks job hunting.
So I did that at least.

They never gave me a dime for the past filings anyway.

Another interview tomorrow.
I reviewed a contract today; and had a meeting for feedback and planning. I have another contract to finish up tomorrow.

I hope it is not an ugly bad one! HOPE it is a decent one so I can get it done WELL and not feel rushed as promised that by COB Tomorrow. (At least have the advantage of that being West Coast time!!)

SO to bed.

AH SHIT- not yet. I also have actual marketing to do.

I just kinda wasted time I think cause tired... but heck I have to pull the energy and just get it done.

I HAVE to send out this social media marketing for an upcoming event!!

OMG time flies when I am feeling overtired. WHICH I AM ... I felt tired 2 hrs ago. Should have freaking napped instead of procrastinated as tired.
OH yeah-- it wasn't really procrastination. I was just like "WHAT DID I DO for the past couple hours?? " OH YEAH I worked at my COMPANY operations stuff and GOT A PAYMENT Issued!

(I have this funny thing I do. When pushing myself to the limit if I am overtired... if the tasks on my plate that have a hard DEADLINE are for VOLUNTEER Work... I push myself to FIRST do something FOR ME that I have put off. THEN I do the volunteer work with the deadline for others! Cause its like the impetus to get a deadline done for another will keep me moving. I will always find the energy to get a deadline for another done!! SO I leverage that sense of urgency and finding energy to KEEP GOING WHEN TIRED... to slip in something on MY TO DO I have procrastinated over...

well I get it done! SO it is really the opposite of procrastination. And I do this wacky thing when OVERTIRED. SIGH... messed up but hell it works sometimes. And this marketing should NOT take an hour! Its just an email and a couple social media blubs for an event rescheduled so not starting from scratch. HAVE THE OLD Items and just have to update date!! Will be quick! I HOPE!!)

AH And I have alot of driving upcoming the end of this week and weekend. It better be warm! My car does ok ( relatively- if you , like me think driving 60 mph is OK) when warm out. When it hit freezing temps my car is not accelerating to 15 to 20 MPH TOPS when going uphill!!

SO yeah.. I need to either find a full time job quickly so I can start to get out of debt and put money aside for a car...
OR find something in biking distance!!
(And reevaluate need for a car. Is the Guy in DC worth it? I mean really the primary reason for wanting to maintain the car is him. YEAH I admit that. But questioning that after during the last date he was busy texting much of the time. I mean he was REALLY preoccupied ... and it was obvious.... It gets tiring dating someone who gets excited at every hot chick interacting with him. I mean fucking tiring ... hard to be that interested in a guy when he is texting some chick while on a fucking date ! I MEAN HOW RUDE!
I felt like he was being passive aggressive.
I mean he was perhaps hurt I did not want to drive all the way to his DC abode to have dinner with him... which I did not as
a) I was fucking TIRED
and after church events needed to REST before meeting him out for a concert.

But I see a fucking trend. If we have a date where we are PLANNING on spending the night together, his body language and interaction is DIFFERENT. He is then AMOROUS and flirtatious

and I swear its like SEX is his only emotional language.
And if we are just meeting out and I am driving home after; or rather both driving home after and don't plan on spending time (either before or after) I mean if I said NO to heading to his place...

well its like he feels rejected is what I am reading, but he doesn't ARTICULATE any emotional FEELINGS in words
he is just passive aggressive in not being as touchy feely, not flirtatious, acts like I am at a concert with my brother

and he ALSO then is texting other folks throughout the date. WTF?

POOR emotional introception

I mean it was bad enough I had to process and get in touch with MY FEELINGS in relation to his emotionally ABANDONING me after the touch time with my kids over Thanksgiving and then force a conversation about that; and then that I had to get over my feeling he is not that into me cause he FORGOT we saw this artist before..,
(And he actually freaking forgets many of the dates we had.. I mean plum forgets that I did stuff with him.)
But I processed and GOT OVER THAT...

and figure not something to be too sensitive about. SO he has a shitty memory? And he values the experiences more than the people he was with- so what? That is not really personal about me! (And he does sometimes mistake me for his incredibly awesome best friend. So heck at least when he forgets which one of us it was with him I LIKE the friend he did something with- or if he THINKS he did it with her and it was really with me I can't really be that offended! I mean she is pretty awesome. So hell at least I am on the same level as her! I can accept that!)
But then for him to be so preoccupied during the concert from one of his fav artists was ODD. It felt more like he wanted distraction and connection with someone cause he was ANNOYED with me in the moment!

I mean it was just WEIRD
I mean if he loves this artist so much why the hell is he texting all through the show?

*what couldn't wait one freaking hour? Til not on a date and not in the middle of a concert where it is rude to even have a phone ON

I was trying to not be irritated. Thinking this is just HIM being like fucking Seinfeld as in he did not get his way as he hoped and he was disappointed so he was going to find every little thing I DID then irritating.

I found him irritating when he was trying to CORRECT my behavior

Especially since I knew my behavior was not something that needed correcting.

HELL My first husband ran sound. I have a ton of musician friends. The worst thing is when there is sound problem and there is NO FEEDBACK from a DEAD AUDIENCE who will not let you know if it is ok or if there is a problem needing correcting.

In this concert Sun night the sound had an issue. So much so the artist stopped, apologized to the audience and asked the sound guy to fix it. I GAVE the artist a THUMBS UP

as frankly the one mic being completely OFF on the other musician was BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF ME
and I was like "Does no one else not notice the mic is OFF??"

And the balance was so off.

It just was so difficult to enjoy.

OK truth be told I also have a big issue listening to concerts with other... for a few reasons...

This might be an indication of the autism gene in me! (HA HA)

I mean the DISCOMFORT if anyone is singing out of tune is real.

I mean I thought I lost that .... well it is a curse as much as a blessing. I thought I lost my sense of pitch. I mean it is no where near perfect anymore. I don't pick up on subtly always. The choir director said we were slightly flat and I had not heard it recently BUT NO It was rather painful when someone near me was singing out of tune. I couldn't just MOVE- which is what I would have done if I were there ALONE. Seriously .

Anyway, I found it really awful when my date responded in some judgmental way when I responded to the artist asking the sound guy to fix the sound-(He did it more than once!) So after he repeated the request I was gesturing to RAISE the mic- validating that YEAH we can't hear that yet... Gesturing as the guy was adjusting to give feedback.
(Cause one was off completely, and a 2nd far too low and not at all balanced, and a 3rd ALSO too low...)
and when the artist asked for sound to be fixed I was the only person in the audience GIVING ANY To the sound guy

I mean they can only hear their headphones- and the artist on stage can only hear their monitors...
they can't hear how it sounds in the AUDIENCE and you kinda need folks to give FEEDBACK

so I KNOW That is appreciated...

hell I spend enough time at one of the best music clubs in Buffalo where my husband was running sound.

It is not obnoxious to give feedback when an artist is in NEED OF IT cause the sound is off... BUT My gesturing made my date uncomfortable cause I was the only audience member doing that and he was therefore not comfortable with me calling attention to myself. BUT IT WAS NOT ATTENTION TO ME- but feedback to fix the fucking problem! I think he thought it made me look like an onery audience member perhaps? Difficult? IDK? I am not sure why it made him uncomfortable to be honest. My gesturing seemed perfectly NORMAL to me- I mean that is what you typically have SOMEONE do when adjusting sound. BUT Typically there is not just ONE sound person but SOMEONE in the venue they can have as point person to help if there are not volunteers from the audience to give feedback! (Audience usually will gove some however in smaller venues like this one! At least in my experience in music clubs! So I did not see my input as obnoxious!

BUT IT IS obnoxious to try to CORRECT your date's behavior because YOU are uncomfortable.

He said something,, like tried to shush me...
I responded "don't be embarrassed by my behavior please"

Maybe I should have been more direct? " don't correct my behavior please"?

I mean it was just a bad date night.
I think it started when he said where he wanted to sit-

And I LISTENED to him so I walked around to access the section he said he wanted to sit in- he having picked the seats.

BUT he was TROWN and BOTHERED that I did not follow him I think as he expected me to do. He pointed to the seats he wanted us to sit in. I responded oK- but I happened to be in front of him so I walked PAST the row to the aisle in the front and then around to the OTHER SIDE to access them so I could enter the row without having the folks in the row get up! (Cause there was NO ONE on the right side of the row- but a couple folks already seated on the end of the aisle on the left side of the chosen row.)
I mean to me it made complete sense to walk to the other side of the aisle and not have anyone get up.
BUT this guy was flustered and it seemed cause he thought I wasn't following him? I mean his irritation was odd and weird to me.

The small moments arise that I feel like for him are about control. They are just weird and I sense HIM being uncomfortable.

It was like he was irritated I didn't follow his EXACT Expectation- even though I had deferred to his choosing the seats and was heading to the row and seats he picked. It was like he wasn't followed COMPLETELY so that bugged him as I followed his lead but changed the path he EXPECTED. (To me it was just a logical path).

I am noticing the reaction to these moments.

And I don't think I do anything unusual or odd in such moments. I feel like they are just weird red flags of control issues IN HIM.

Maybe I am wrong- but I don't think I imagined that set off his irritation. He also made some comment in surprise "Are you wearing the same thing you put on for church this morning?"

"Yes, I showered quickly when you were downstairs. No need to change."

It was like he was disappointed? I find that weird. We went to an evening show. He and I had a GREAT time the night before at a fabulous party! HE WAS SUCH A FUN DATE the night before! But it was a party an hour west of where I live- so a drive there after he came this way from DC, then the drive back, and we were tired... and I had church in the AM.. so we did get up an enjoy a kind of leisurely morning. I mean he slept in a bit. I got up much earlier as had the dog to walk, and I had to bring a dish to a church potluck so put together a Chili in the crock pot, then made a batch of pancakes as all the kids as well as he and I would all have to eat so I did my typical make a load of pancakes for the family thing. ( More often that used to be during the week with something more special like omlettes on weekend, bacon and fried potatoes...but we were low on both eggs and milk so that means pancakes!)
It was still a leisurely morning not leaving early and I did enjoy his company over coffee and the pancakes.

I thought it was a lovely night and manning.

BUT after the church potluck and committee business.. I was EXHAUSTED and honestly just needed a nap.

Heck I was not going to expend energy changing. I already looked nice!

But it was weird to me he seemed to have taken offense that I did not change for our date.

I mean I feel like HE is high maintenance! HA HA I mean I am not that complicated. Again in dating I swear I sometimes feel like I have the more typically MALE brain and sometimes I feel like dating men who are MORE sensitive but don't know how to express emotion. Male brain here in that what I am wearing is not that important. Not worth fussing about...
and he in the more feminine sense traditionally I suppose, in that moment cared more about getting dressed up for a date! (Which we just went all out in doing the night before! I mean I Was EXHAUSTED from all the work to get ready for THAT as it was a 1940s Murder Mystery Dinner party and we were assigned roles and asked to dress the part! IT WAS A BLAST!!!)

OMG I am just tired I guess. We did have an absolutely fabulous time and my date was wonderful on Sat night.

I think truth is I must get on his nerves if we spend too much time together.

Oh well...

Then when I am getting on his nerves he pulls the Seinfeld of being a prick.

And then he gets on MY nerves.


BUT if it is because he felt ABANDONED at my NO at not wanting to take my crappy car all the way to DC.... well I mean ...
that is just being too sensitive.

Its his issue to figure out.
I am just going to pay attention as if there is a continued PATTERN of such moments... well then it is really not worth continuing to date someone when he might just enjoy going to events such as the concert MORE IF ALONE

or if I would enjoy such events more if I were alone!

I mean if on any given night you really are compelled to be texting someone else... why bother going on the date with someone different? IF you are into someone else. Don't waste your OWN Time and BE RUDE to a date if you are not into the date.

Plain and simple.

I feel like what was going on is that he has some damsel in distress who he wanted to go save. HA HA
I am not kidding. I think some men do not find independent women attractive. These are the same men who like to mansplain things. I have patience to a point but when I get mansplaining from him it always reminds me he seems to have a dating pattern of attraction to someone he can save/help/ be the hero/bolster ego by coming to aid of. RESCUER SYNDROME.

I feel like the sad thing is that my need is not even seen because I don't ACT needy.

OH but I am... of course I am... I NEED To know a guy is actually INTO ME.

This BS not being attached; or emotionally expressive is bullshit.

I can't do it for too long.

There is a shelf life on relationships that don't go deeper... they hit their expiration date sooner than others. Maybe not going deeper to me is NOT COMMUNICATING VERBALLY about what you are feeling/thinking- NOT having good introspection skills to even identify your feelings and articulate them in a moment.

I feel like that is what is going on. Then there is passive aggressive behavioral responses to feelings rather than healthy communication.

SO Trying to be aware of how much of that is IN ME- or MY OWN communication style too such that I ATTRACT similar and familiar!

I am SURE There is truth to this being something I TOO Do to some extent!

OK--- onto my project and then to bed.

I FEEL BETTER as vented.

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