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2023-01-12 - 2:00 p.m.

ADHD Sucks.

I misplaced my cell phone shortly after placing one call to a friend.

I wanted to connect with her to see if she is going to this upcoming health and wellness symposium as I signed up to volunteer.

I mainly wanted to be able to attend a couple free YOGA classes as well as check out the other :woo woo style spirituality sessions. I wonder if she has ever attended any of the ACROYOGA
as there are sessions on that at this event. I find it curious.

I want to avoid the hippy dippy Hawaii North Shorish ( if you have ever been there you know what I mean) type crowd
I mean I don't judge those talking about their intensely shamanic experiences with shrooms

or the wonder of ecstatic sex..
oh wait I mean dance....

* joking but not joking

there are these sessions about authentic communication but then some get into how to connect more meaningfully and of course in healthy relationships ( or in healthy hook ups.. ha ha) that means good sex.... to each his/her own... But I am skeptical at the so called good sex being connected to spirit angle that I think may make some naïve very vulnerable.

I suppose I keep thinking of the BS artists of past I watched PLAY WOMEN. I mean I never will forget the GEORGOUS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN who was played by the so called deeply spiritual African drummer that came over on a Religious VISA Religious leader my ass...

good ass was his religion...
and lots of it.

That poor gal, a genuine spiritual beautiful person was played. And we all in the musicians community watched it happen. Sigh....

I really do want to avoid being a target of any interlopers.
And the worst is if there are those who use the power of being a leader in some space to prey on unsuspecting others ( like that guy did)l.

I mean I feel like I might ALREADY be dating a dude who feigned interest in spirituality cause he really just wants good sex.

Cut the bull shit.

But to be fair he is very honest about where he is at and who he is

And perhaps he never was PRETENDING when he was EXPLORING and learning about paths and trying things to nurther spirituality.

I think the interest was genuine.

But faith is this gift.
I swear either you have it or you don't

I just think it is an innate characteristic to be honest. I mean EVERYONE HAS A SPIRT

and everyone can NUTURE spirituality - sure

but for many it is by finding a community and engaging in ACTS together, It is for many a sense of greater connection with others because of this awareness of GOD and believe in either a CREATOR of all things

OR just a humble belief there is something bigger than our selves

But often it is truly self motivated to connect with others.

So is it any less genuine to be seeking good sexual connection than the very puritanical women who go to churches or wherever and hope to find a nice provider to share a life with who is aligned with their values and who they can have the dream of nuclear family and white picket fence with a couple of kids to raise in the burbs?

I think not...

I mean some people are just simple. Have simple needs.

Some just articulate them more than others

And SOME are just not as clearly forthright about what are their selfish interests.

IT is the GROOMERS who I find deplorable.

And I could not help but think
WHEN This GOOD MAN Yeah I think he IS A GOOD MAN cause he goes out of his way to educate himself about consent and trys to understand others and trys to set really healthy boundaries

had the AH HA moment which he shared of when he was listening to a podcast-

Sex With Emily ( Check it out as she is really good! Unless you like me get very BORED very quickly with talk about sex and would prefer something meatier to listen to... I mean Like I will pick Richard Rohr any day over that....
Give me a good introspective analysis of the contemplative life and I am engaged HA HA

I swear the autism gene must be strong... will say it again...)

Hell I like good sex but also kinda HATE when anyone trys to CURATE it. I mean I like when there is just moments of clear mutual attraction and desire

I like when the moments of desire develop IN RESPONSE to authentic connection and actual INTEREST in ME in the particular and my interest in THE OTHER in the PARTICULAR.

I don't understand at all this LOOKING FOR GOOD SEX

To me that would be akin to going out dating and LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT CUP OF COFFEE At the PERFECT COFFEE SHOP

But in your dating life not being open to really evaluating any OTHER Criteria. I mean think about it-
Will only date HOT PEOPLE who are attractive that will go to hipster coffee shops to sit there for an hour and talk over espresso.

OK that is a bad analogy

Cause that might not be a bad way to date.

so maybe there is something to it.

The dating with criteria being simple: Attraction and a good sexual partner.

Hell why judge it?

I suppose it feels so very TRITE

So shallow

and makes me not feel special

I thnk that is it.

But what the hell.

To each his own.

But back to the thoughts on GROOMING

So my guy friend had the insight in listening to some podcast when a wife called in to ask Emily how to handle her husband's insistent trying to bring up the topic and convince her to try something she was not comfortable with

like say... A threesome ( I had not heard the episode)
but it could be ANYTHING

Whatever... fill in the blank If could be as basic as a wife who is not going down on you. NO WAY whatsoever as she is NOT OPEN to that act for whatever reason IT doesn't matter

A healthy partner will RESEPCT that boundary and that person and their comfort and then share other things

and will have conversations about what they can and cannot live with and what their needs are and then will basically evaluate the WHOLE marriage and decide what to accept and what is worth giving up for the sake of the GREATER WHOLE of the BIG PICTURE of this life together.

End of story.

A mature person can be thankful for their past experiences of things they enjoyed but no tbe resentful if can't have those again.

I mean back to the coffee analogy

Would you discard a date cause they won't go to a coffee shop? IF you could NEVER DRINK COFEE AGAIN but had an otherwise compatible person who could make you happy in immeasurable other ways
Would you really have that much of a hard time switching to tea?

I feel like a healthy person can be NON ATTACHED to experiences

even if they were mind blowing and amazing

and not be FIXATED on trying to RECREATE Them or OUTDO them.

But that is just me.

BUT the comment that really struck me was that the insight shared was "Emily said that the guy was gaslighting his wife"
and this GOOD GOOD MAN
said he never wants to gaslight anyone.

I admire his character for that. He really does want to be a good man and that alone MAKES him a good man,

But the comment struck me as of course he had to get off the phone
and he did not have time to give me to continue the conversation I think ( I am pretty sure it was a phone call) Further
Because I don't think I censored myself and did not share my thought

MAYBE I did? OR MAYBE it came AFTER we hung up? But I think it was an IMMEDIATE internal response-
the thought

"That doesn't sound like gaslighting. The word is GROOMING. That sounds like GROOMING."

Like yeah gas lighting is not an accurate word for a person repeatedly trying to convince someone to do something sexually for the other person's pleasure. IT is GROOMING.

If that is a central focus of the relationship conversation there is something wrong. If it is a once in a blue moon articulation of a person's desires and they are checking in the moment
if their partner is receptive

that would be rather different. BUT if there was clear communication and the answer was NOT INTERESTED

NO I really don't want to do that
I have no interest

WELL... then the person is just NOT LISTENING
and it is GROOMING To try to do and say things and hope to convince the other to change perspective so that the person's sexual fantasy may be fulfilled.

It is USING the other person.

So back to these so called health and wellness symposium things. I think they attract a wide variety of folks. Deeply spiritual, those with divine gifts for sure. But I think then alot of just normal people-
some looking for a healthy lifestyle

some looking for stress relief
some looking for tools they can learn for meditation, or yoga or expressive arts and they do practice or have interest in the deeper meaning of life

and for some those are sacred. I LOVE That SOUND is really incorporated.

My life coach actually presented at this same convention thing a few years back.

She was the best life coach I ever had. I got the action items done to get my company started and hired the web designer after completing the task of narrowing mission statement and focus with her.

AND she has these MARVELOUS sound bath meditations.

In her coaching she leaves out the spiritual arts and focuses on the coaching aspect of goal setting but is open to relaxation and meditation at the comfort level of her clients to help clear and prepare for the deep work of change.

So the thing is I LOVE To go out to dance ALONE.

I go alone as I can really get in the zone and let go and its very meditative and in a way spiritual for me. AND VERY SOLO
(even if I change partners and in fact when dance in recect years it has been Latin Dance and yes may be sensual and even sexual energy- but it is SELF Expressive or a shared JOINT Expressive DANCE and then you nod and go your own way).

There is a CODE on the dance floor.

It is about the dance experience.

There are CLEAR boundaries. We dancers kinda roll eyes and see the folks coming to show up to scope out the crowd and look for a hook up. They kinda stick out when they show up at the NORMAL venues the dancers all show up to.

And the dance community gets to know each other and actually develops this kinda community.

So with the convention there is an element of DANCE ARTS

and I know I will know a number of the dancers there showing up.

So in a sense this is a curates safe space for expressive arts.

BUT.... I don't know why for some reason I feel like a big convention is the LAST PLACE I would want to show up for a dance party.

I mean to me it feels like the GROOMERS are going to be out in full force.

And I just don't have the energy for it.

I mean I feel like sometime I just read the energy and I am not feeling energetic enough to bounce back or deflect or in fact feeling like I have any need to be express myself

Or need or desire that kind of dance just now.

I am not feeling it.
I am just not that excited about it.
and more skeptical than excited.

Hell I have not only the life coach but a couple other friends really into these kinds of communities! Some family and some friends actually also present at similar events. So I know they love them and I have heard all good things from them and have seen video of THEIR Event so not sure why I am so very skeptical.

I AM Feeling the aryvedic arts program will be a nice refresher. Its been a number of years since I read The Bhagavad Gita and I gave away all my Aryvedic healing arts books. I had some on whole food as medicine. My favorite YOGA book disappeared (and it came from the Hindu religious tradition.)

I gave that particular religious text to one kid of mine who I thought would find it of interest. think my older kids may have swiped some off my shelf- ( I saw some on the oldest's book shelf) AND I think I GIFTED some of those books to that kid (who I know also just took a couple HA HA Busted when I visited!)

I laughed as I did the same with my Father's religious texts. I gave the first boy I loved a red leather bound Catholic book of prayers.

I wish to this day I could find that book again actually, I would love to read it now as no longer have recollection of what is in it. It would be fun to compare to the book of commoon prayers the protestants use.

All this rambling to calm myself and kill time before trying to retrace steps again


Phone is here SOMEWHERE.

I have the car packed with my laundry. Kids sleeping. They have been on a freaking completely nocturnal schedule this week. So much for the time away in another home with norma sleep habits helping them regulate. They quickly came back and stayed up too late then had insomina and then ended on the current awake at night sleep during day cycle. I find it really irritating actually as I think it is not because they CAN"T Sleep at night but because they did not TRY and then fell into PATTERNS of being up together gaming at night.

To me it is behaviorally driven and by choice moreso than driven by BODY and its inability to be able to regulate. I mean if you stay up late and throw yourself off you have a heck of a time getting back to a typical sleep schedule.

BUT They don't TRY to get back to one. They refuse to get up to be awake during the day and then try to go to bed at night.

Cause they insist they are too tired to get up-
even when it is noon or 3om.... Just WON"T CHOOSE to get up and try until the body wakes.

I don't get how that is possibly good for anyone's health and I keep telling the one kid I think it is a sign of DEPRESSION and that she is making herself NOT WELL by being sedentary when she is awake.

BUT I can't FORCE any one of them to do anything different, I can only suggest, ask, etc.

short of not supporting them.

And no I am not ready to do that. I don't think that would serve anyone well at this point

I just am waiting it out.

Wait and see attitude I suppose.

Let them figure out their next life steps on their own and try to not be attached to their choices and outcomes and keep my well being separate and distinct from theirs.

I mean I DO NOT HAVE TO BE FEELING DEPRESSED just because tHEY ARE. And I don't have to tip toe around quietly in my home mid day. I can be courtous but they can also deal with the reasonable and NORMAL noises of awake activity of a home. So I don't coddle them by any means.

OK to find the damn phone. Maybe by then one of them will be awake and feel like coming along to do their laundry.

If they don't wake I am just bringing my own this time. They can go when they have energy


I know I am super cranky lately and the situation of the kids here DOING NOTHING
has been getting to me.

It just gets on my nerves.

I so hope to land a full time job soon so I am occupied as this being home served its purpose. Everyone's medical stuff has been identified and tended to. Time for MY NEXT STEP.

And I am tired.

Maybe if I did go to a dance party it would energize. I just am skepical. I feel like too many people and the kind of space groomers will be out in full force... I mean SERIOUSLY. I have just a bad instinct about it. And my car is broken sure works but I am inclined to want to take public transportation.

NOw I have no problem going to events an taking public transportation home BUT somehow the thought of going to a night dance party that is BIG with LOTS Of folks then taking the train does not appeal to me. I mean I would rather go walk DC by myself at night and hit a club solo then go to a large convention center where it is KNOWN there are some more funky... I mean more liberal and sexually open minded folks and then leave that venue to take a train. I mean if groomer are attracted the are going to be there LOOKING for the single women traveling solo.

NO thanks. Not worth it.

I am just not feeling it. And not sure why I just get a bad feeling about the night events. I feel like DAY OK but the night events are for some reason kicking up my radar.

I mean they focus so much on consent. The have RULES for the dance floor. NOT TALKING during the ecstatic dance experience. That is freaking AWESOME

I mean I would love to go WITH a friend.
But my friends I am guessing are not interested in doing that together. If they were they would reach out...

I mean it seems clear to me the DC guy would not want my company as I would kill his vibe of his ability to flirt and perhaps meet the perfect person. HA HA I think he is on this quest

He is always looking for a hook up. Seriously He doesn't' want me as his wing person.

IF my bestie who moved out to CA were here she would be the PERFECT ecstatic dance party dance companion.

Hell it is what we do together when we go out dancing. Go together and each go off and dance solo but we have safety of each other's backs when head out to leave. We would bring whoever wanted to come along with us.

SIGH Do miss her not being here now. If she were here I would want to venture out. If the guy dating was actually into me it would be a nice opportunity to connect deeper but I am not getting that interest level from him. NAH
Last year he did invite me to join him one night for one of those but I was working or otherwise committed elsewhere.

I recall feeling a bit hurt that it was the 2nd year since knew him that he was going (maybe 3rd) and he did not Ask me if I wanted to share the whole event with him.
That was a clear indication he was not really into a relationship with me

Just a friends with benefits
and an occasional companion to go to events we both happen to like. It just feels so non attached and disconnected sometime to me.

Maybe however it is me, I feel no more attached to him than to the young lover I see once in a blue moon.

Both feel really superficial and about sex for each of the men and me I suppose too.
I mean neither have interest in actual PARTNERSHIP at any meaningful level.

I think the problem for me is that I am so OK with the guy I rarely see being REALLY clear about only wanting sex

but the DC guy has given mixed messages. He does the bullshit of acting like he wants to have a committment of a partnership at some level but I think it is just BS.

I mean he has used the word partner. But that is a mirage. We are not partners. He goes on vacation with friends. He plans to go to events and purchases tickets together with his best friend. I suppose I am just really irritated at what feels like he PRETENDS in small moments where it might benefit him - that we are partners. It seems diningenious to me and then I know that makes me shut down and want to distance. Cause I can call BS. But I did not call him out in the moment he did it. I need to do that next time.
And when I did want to have a conversation about how he feels about me he SHUT IT DOWN.
That was some time ago.
"I don't want to talk about it"

So Fuck you.

Whatever. I oddly still enjoy when we are together but I have to emotionally think if this the SAME as the young lover and have low expectations.

That is the only way I can not be disappointed and not annoyed by him. Maybe if then there is actual intrest demonstrated in me I would find him more attractive and look forward to spending time with him. But as for now , why would I want to spend time with someone who on the last date was texting someone else much of the time?

I did not know why he invited me. But maybe he was just being passive aggressive cause I said no to coming over for dinner ahead of time?
Why would I want to date someone who is passive aggressive and hot and cold like that?

It was fucking annoying.
So yeah I need to discuss with him when have opportunity, It did not seem appropriate to call it out in the moment- as was siting in a concert where to be honest it was fucking rude to even pull out one's phone.

*I just couldn't have a conversation obviously in the moment of being at the show listening to the music
of the artist
he forgot he brought me to see with him a couple years ago.

It just does hurt he doesn't recall actual dates from the first year we started dating. Now when someone is a serial active dater and always on the prowl you are just not that special.

Whatever... I can be ok with whatever. It is just disappointing.

I mean especially as that bad date was the night AFTER a REALLy GOOD DATE in my eyes. That is the part I don't get. Its like we had this WONDERFUL Time the day before. But then his mood shifted so quickly and he was weird. JUST so odd. Fucking hot and then cold.
The Katie Perry song just hit my mind.

I am just cranky. I have shit to do and the phone MIA. Grocery shopping. Pick up my prescriptions I just ordered. Laundry.
and in missing phone limbo.
Maybe I will just practice guitar.

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