2023-01-13 - 10:12 a.m.

I swear all things for a reason.

I was delayed further.... young lover text ( you know a gal has got to prioritize, He is fun to get random texts from once in a while- like every couple weeks or so.)
Dog walk
email from volunteer coordinator rescheduling the volunteer shift ( GOOD thing as that ensures I don't pay to attend the hippy dippy woo woo wellness convention...
Maybe the neuroscience retrain your brain workshop is science based?
Maybe not?
and wishful thinking?

Maybe that works anyway?
Can't hurt to try that out.)

BUT it for sure would not address fact I need a surgery.

SO YES my ALL things for a reason philosophy is real.

I was home when the Dr. office called back and have my marching orders for next steps:

The specific specialist I need to find is in network from my insurance.

I am only still home to have taken the call due to the ADHD Moment of having pulled out my dancing shoes and now can't find them. Not sure will even be up for the dance party tonight. Figured really no way would be- BUT want to remain open to the possibly.

JUST in case do get energy.

I have not been feeling it. Not excited at the idea. (Which is unusual as DANCE is one of my all time FAVORITE things to do. It puts me in my happy place. I LOVE Dancing alone and they literally have a dance party with RULES to respect it is all about the dance
NO TALKING
NO TOUCHING and clear boundaries of respect for each other. They have a space specifically for partner dancing Zouk, Bachata, etc... ( My kinda thing actually- the intimacy of the dance only then walk away and PARTNER SWITCH YEAH!!), but also that other room for "Estatic" dance which is an individual but collective kinda like a RAVE but presume without overt drugs ( OK these are aged hippies so come on...) and rule to respect boundaries.

I just don't feel the high energy that space surely will have.

AND I am fine going solo when I am parked super close. OR when leaving is off beat of times.. but it like a big dance party where everyone is KNOWN To be there at a really PUBLIC event that ALSO includes some funky out there... more liberal wild kinda stuff.. I am reticent to be leaving solo and walking far alone in an area not familiar with.
I mean they have the couples massage workshops
and get in touch with sexuality stuff going on somewhere at the convention too...

"AUTHENTIC communication" seminars which I swear in these new agey spaces is code words for "Learn the language of consent so you can get laid"

Hell single folks out there go find some so called spiritual wellness convention to get some....

HA I both joke and find that disturbing.

Only disturbing because there are the what I call disingenuous interlopers who prey on truly spiritual folks by creating that vibe when it is BS
Predators

I mean I watched the beautiful deeply spiritual woman ( friend of the guy dating) seriously in LOVE with one of the most narcissistic beings I ever met. I met him years before she did and that vibe was so fucking strong as I observed the player who is MARRIED working the room and turning on the charm and the women. I mean it was FASCINATING to watch this egocentric, actually exceptionably talented artist leverage his artistic gifts and manipulate in a space where he held authority. I mean it was overt to me he held this strong sexual energy and was very intentional in turning that on and seeking an experience but somewhat disturbing at the time as he was working. I just have a hard time when someone is in a position of authority and power I suppose when they use their own sexuality to ensnare others.

BUT I read energy and rooms and take it in and

well was so bummed when the reveal of her love's identity to me after hearing of him for some time- was HIM?? A dude I KNEW was married and has seen in action of on the prowl in a space. I mean it was just like it is his modus operani to me ( SHE WAS HONORABLE IN BY THE WAY A FRIENDSHIP ONLY As she HAS ETHICS but she fell hard)

yet was another one of what I can't see as more than a conquest for him. I feel like there are interlopers who learn to disingenuously talk the talk of the spiritual. Maybe that is not fair to her as of COURSE WHO WOULDN"T DEEPLY FALL FOR HER because her faith is real. I do think it is such a strong draw to others when one has genuine love and a fire and passion in them. That is true

BUT not to say he did not I suppose too... But regardless

He was slimy and manipulative and narcissistic and played with her heart.

And it is just that I guess I am still needing healing cause I keep focusing and coming back to those players.

SIGH

I mean worrying and not trusting and seeing them

It annoying actually.

Oh thank God for the SIMPLICITY of it is what it is and the men like the young lover who don't talk any BS whatsoever and are clear about wanting a good sexual experience once in a while when in the mood.
I suppose that more my style that the guys jonesing and acting crazy if I want time to myself truth be told.

I just need my SPACE
MY ALONE TIME.

OK so now to navigate the insurance company. Dog walk was nice. I will find my damn shoes before I leave as now on a mission . I have three freaking pairs so can pull out another but I wanted the BLACK ONES that match!! I think despite low energy I have not danced in so long that once there my enthusiasm may come back. Will see.
But first to deal with insurance company.

YES priorities. I have to find a pelvic surgeon/gyn onc specialist.

The nice lady from the office said "We need to get this done RIGHT AWAY as its been going on sometime. Since the Dr. tried the surgical procedure but couldn't do it- need the specialist"

OH YEAH

I forgot that part. The closed cervix abnormality. The normal in office procedure was not possible as the Doc could not get the scope in.

YEAH so that is a bit weirdly concerning.

It also explains why my medical bill did include a surgery- as technically she tried and can bill for it. ( All of $49 based on the negotiated rates with Anthem. I mean it is crazy. I find that low cost very disturbing considering how much we all PAY insurance companies. They pay doctors' actually SHITTY for many things. Unbelievable how broken our health care system is. I mean you see the PRICE then the adjusted negotiated price they get paid I mean $49 for a gynecological SURGURY to do a biopsy and remove and IUD??? REALLY?)

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