2023-01-14 - 7:10 a.m.

Ok I am over the cynicism of the hippy convention.

It is actually rather awesome.

Just DIFFERENT and not at all mainstream and so a healthy skepticism is how I approached it. Maybe I bordered on cynicism ( that is the wounding of having been burned in life of course).

BUT-

I had signed up to volunteer as a floater. And the truly funny thing is that I signed up to attend all the actually clearly genuine spiritualist workshops yesterday but got my shit done at home and leisurely left and did not get their til 2.

ADHD MOMENT OF THE WEEK

It has to win for a #1 REASON

It was a REPEAT error.
One done a couple times

SO I should KNOW better. But it is like ADHD people just don't learn from the past. It's like every moment if freaking new and we don't even recall the past ( except the fucking trama in our DNA HA HA Well maybe truth be told we can be more forgiving too and forget trangressions in the particular as well?? YEAH the forgetting can be a gift.)

BUT in the case of situational awareness , spacial awareness and recall- and experiences and learning
its like the kid who touched the hot stove and burned self but then did it again and again ( not really to see if it will be different this time but cause there was no recollection and fear of burn happening)
grows to be the adult that forgets to write down the marker to find a car in a large parking lot. ( Sure that happened yesterday- twice actually but that is not the ADHD moment of the day. That is just NORMAL part of life for an ADHD person- walking patiently in a parking lot not even in panic but very comfortably matter of factly knowing the car is there but if not seen just up a level.)

NO the ADHD moment of the day is that the SPOTHERO parking picked- was no where to be found;
and then just parked at the hotel parking chalking it up to a loss (for the $13 pre paid) and then went in ON TIME for the 1:30 scheduled volunteer shift ( See being there earlier was only for my own benefit to attend the events for me, for fun!! I am on time for everyone ELSE but not for my own pleasure! THAT TOO IS AN ADHD fucked up thing I suppose)

SO go in and of course it is always a maze of getting around. Tunnels from parking garage to outside, halls, finding a locked entrance from underground to the hotel. Then emerging to street- taking photo of juncture to find it again
BUT DUMBLY Only the juncture from the vantage point WALKING meaning from the inside emerging out

(not realizing later that is of no use as need to see the space from the opposite view.)

Finally arriving to be told " you are at the wrong hotel".

So have to walk a few blocks to find the other.

To Have absolute DEJA VU moment

Cause no it was not a dream like feeling have been there before.

It is the same darn hotel that the MCM dinner for Semper Fi Fund was at * a couple times now
and the same hotel my Marine friend stayed at that I went to meet him and his wife at when we were running together

I mean I have been there before.
And made the same darn mistake before so SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

SIGH

But the event was AWESOME

I missed all the intended sessions BUT The irony is as a floater I was assigned the intimacy workshop.

YUP the one thing I was cynical about and was intending to avoid. I mean the one where I thought there might be some openness to SKIN ( HA ha there was but men only allowed to remove tops! It was not ALL clothing optional event- just remove what comfortable to get a massage event and they had blankets so I suppose if someone wanted to go there with a blanket for the final massage after body work of leaning how to COMMUNICATE about how one likes to touch and be touched-
they could

BUT it was truly a wonderful faciliated event. Really about teaching boundaries and how to use language to articulate what your desires, wants and needs are and about listening to your partner.

And the thing is the whole thing was faciliated with a bunch of single folks there SOLO And some partners who came in together to enjoy that.

ANd I think my ASSUMPTION Was alwasy that I would only want that kind of intimacy workshop IF IN RELATIONSHIP
and there WITH A PARTNER Who WANTED To go deeper in relationship with more authentic expressive connection of really listening to each other and really growing deeper in attachment together.

I mean to me it is all about intimacy so I don't want that FAKE BS

call it the emotional slut-
or physical slut if you will

experience.

I am not the one night stand kinda gal and to me a session where so comfortable with your body with a STRANGER I ASSUMED WOULD BE AWKWARD AND WEIRD And I think my assumption was it is pushing healthy boundaries

I think I was thinking it is like grooming- the whole thing
to get folks comfortable piece by piece of comfort with sharing body

Until someone is taken full advantage of and left a mess.

Like I was assuming rape happens.

And that ugly I want no part of.

I mean the whole sexual predators of the swim team etc.

of the boy scouts
or alter boys

or ... the student seduced by a teacher ( one Teach in VA now going to jail for 2 year... hell sometimes it is the other way around but bad on those young teachers not clear in who they are and their sense of responsibility to their ROLE and the responsibility in positions of authority and not getting STATATORY RAPE laws exist for a REASON)

So yeah I was quite cynical.

ANd sure that element is there in this kind of space. NO QUESTION

But no more so than any other collective organized social group. As those predators are truly existing everywhere.

SO OVERALL My view was VERY POSTIIVE after I was tasked with set up and breakdown and discovered that the event was so fabulously facilitated.

The teaching of consent is exactly what it is all about. The whole POINT OF THESE EVENTS is to REDUCE The violence of sexual crimes.
The whole REASON is EXACTLY THAT
and to destigmatize that people do enjoy sexual behavior so that if they know how to articulate that there is healthy connection in safe ways that are positive

and that reduces the instances of what can be beautiful being an experience of trauma for a victim.

So I found in the end it was really awesome!

First of all MOST were fully clothes. BUT there was guidance with learning to use very gentle PLAY with feathers and learning how sensual touch can be on the hand or the forearm for example when thoughtful and deliberate. And it was not sexual in the least for most of the folks there who were focused on their own introception

of learning to pay attention to their own bodies
be fully present

and then be really attentive to listen to the other and ASK Questions

I mean in a way it is brilliant to do a workshop like this with absolute strangers as you really do listen best with greater intention to one you have no assumptions about.

AND it is TRAINING and a SKILL you perhaps will then carry over in your ACTUAL relationships.

I think I was cynical in part cause of my very shitty date last weekend when my guy was not at all present with me. He was physically there and busy texting another woman and I felt Not even SEEN I felt like he just did not want to show up alone
but then he wasn't even fully listening to the concert in his preoccupation of the hoping he would connect with this other fabulous being.

I mean I give him this- he has good taste in women. But it is tacky to be texting , even if just about trying to help her out cause SHE is moving and he feels the need to be the savior or knows hot girl might be interested if he gets in on this opportunity...

The rescuer vibe emerged
the needing to be needed
and a savior seeemed to me the energy I was reading

I don't respond to the offers to help where I don't need them
Like "of I can tell you how to get to Ny a different way" After my travels with kid. I don't pretend the mansplaining is helpful so I know I burst his ego. When he says lets sit there and I walked there ( in the logical path for my brain) but dont FOLLOW him there
I burst his male ego

So he was feeling not VALUED as I get it
his validation is in being needed ( I think)

I understand that

But I just want to at least be SEEN

I was not even then seen when he shut me out.

I am different . I don't want to be NEEDED. I want to be WANTED.

but when seemed I did not need him he did not want me.

AND THEN when his car died I think if I came to rescue him he might have felt more loved. He suggested at first I drive us both to the thing this weekend.

BUT HE NEVER INVITED ME TO THIS EVENT. I don't want to encroach on HIS Thing. We were not planning on going as a couple.

I don't FEEL like a couple

with him never having invited me

and him only saying that on something like WED when I mention "Oh yeah that convention is this weekend"

I mean if he wanted to REALLY be an actual couple when I mentioned months ago I signed up to volunteer he would be excited.

ANd I did this for the opportunity for that if he was INTO ME

but he is not.

NOT really

We both were going As individuals Separately

I said :lets share schedules and see if you want to choose somethign to do together

I felt like he wanted to know my schedule moreso to know when he could show up with another date

and so he could be not awkward

than had interest in actually having deep connection to me.

That at least is how it FELT

I also had work
I left a message Lets do our own thing unless you really want to spend time with me in the particular.

I was very clear and specific.

Call me and invite ME to come over if you want to spend time with me. I said that it did not make sense for me to stay over for him to help me as it made more sense for me to just take the train in. ( I said that after he said if we did drive in together he was going to leave early and take the train back home. That made no sense to me- I mean if he didn't want to spend the day at the convention as he has OTHER things to do-why have me drive him and why have me stay over for us to NOT spend time together and for us each to do our own things? I mean then I can just take the train in. Basically I was really clear in my message to him- Let me know if there is something at this event you WANT TO DO WITH ME and let me know if you want me to come over FOR YOU cause you want to see me; not because you want to help me out.

Basically that is when I want to spend time with him. When he MISSES ME and WANTS TO SEE ME

If not that

I don't want to waste my or his time.

So I wish him luck with his latest conquest. I feel like he is ALWAYS On the prowl so all my cynicism about the event is really just cynicism and venting cause I find him disappointing and frustrating. I mean I have no issue with open dating.

But I am usually open dating someone actually INTO ME MORE than I feel like he is.
I mean sure we always have fun and have shared interests. But that is not fucking enough if you can go with someone anywhere and be absolutely ignored or not in one's consciousness or only in their consciousness as a BLOCK to the communication they want to have in the moment with another which was the sense clearly being given during the concert with both his body language and texting during the show to the lady friend of his.I did not intentionally read his text but its an ADHD thing- mind processes like EVERYTHING at one and weird things jump out and are seen or heard while others are misses. Super ADHD Radar ( which is annoying often to be frank), so I saw him text her "Let me know if you need help" and he had shared about the lady friend who also happens to be moving and had posted some furniture for sale on Facebook marketplace he was interested in. But really dude if that was ALL the texts were about he would not have been texting DURING the concert when on a date with me. So I call BULLSHIT that was what they were about. .

I mean really

I feel like in hindsight I should have just gotten up in the middle of the concert and said
' i am going now"
which funny
is just what he did when I tried to bring him into my world and brought him to meet my friend the winery owner.

hmmmm

I am guessing he felt the same way

HA HA

I am calling Bullshit ( in myselg maybe as well? )

This is why I write- to be honest and process everything- so don't want to ignore and this is why in parsing this out:

As I think he had some ASSUMPTIONS Perhaps in his head then about the friendship I have with the winery owner

(maybe not wrong in respect to the desires of the winery owner but not in respect to me and I don't lead on that friend of mine. He is still a valued friend and yes I always bring a significant other to meet him as yes he is one of my FEW friends here in my world.. thought maybe this guy and I had potential to be significant others....)

But interestingly I think I likely feel the way he did that night perhaps. I can't assume however so that would be unfair.
Could be just plain old JEALOUSY in me now? IF SO

and it could it be unfounded?

I think of this as thinking of how when we visited my winery friend HE was weird-and I did think for a fleeing moment ( but not really but maybe should have) that the weirdness that night when brought him to meet my guy friend perhaps was jealousy.

Interesting.

I just recalled he asked me when I was talking to him about the winery guy (maybe a year ago) if I had slept with him. He knew we had recently spent some time together. He made it clear in our open relationship that was fine but he wanted to gauge how it would have made him FEEL

I did not have the opportunity to give him that. Cause I had not slept with my friend. That kind of relationship with winery owner is LOONG LOOONNG OVER. And you know it was magical and beautiful when I met him years ago. After his divorce we spent just very little time together again ( I mean yea a fling. But hell no I realized quickly this is not wise to consider moving forward as it became really clear my friend was struggling with alcoholism and mental health issues . I think the mental health issues have so improved in the past two years tremendously.)

I used to be able to stop by to see my friend at the winery whenever. But now I only go in early parts of day when he is not drinking (WAIT NOT TRUE) ... rather when the drinking did not hit the oversaturation point...

He doesn't drink all the time. I think he binges... so there are weeks, months?? of him not being that bad.... ok wait not drinking all the time is inaccurate I should say NOT DRUNK all the time...

SIGH

kinda like the Buffalo guy.

so this DC guy is NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

that is a start, right?

I feel like he must be an adult child of an alcoholic. HA HA But seriously some of the personality traits. I also feel like not all adult children of alcoholics even know this about themselves ad they may not know of the alcoholism in their parent(s).

My roomie in college said it was a revelation when finally realize BOTH her parents were alcoholics. ( See even the college rooomate)

Its so freaking part of my family DNA and genetic make up! HA HA Being the child of adult children of alcoholics.

I just hate that. How that so deeply informs relationships.

I think if the therapist will see me ( working on it( that is #1 on the discuss list.

Now off to face the day. It just feels DISAPPOINTING the guy did not want to see me this weekend. But he has a hella lot going on. And so do I. Last night I left the event and the professional networking event was productive. I HAD to do that. It was good I did! 2nd dumb ADHD move was left my business cards in the car. HA HA

And forgot the heels- I mean I had them in the car too!

Ce la vie

I had the perfect outfit to transition but forgot the transition part. I mean to change the shoes. I was wearing beautiful black suede CLOGS HA HA Very hippish... and had the wrist band on from the conference ( did think to pull off thankfully after the first intro to only three people)

I went into the restroom ( early on thankfully) and discovered a BUTTON (or two) on my blouse had come undone
HA HA So I showed up at the professional event with the buttons undone and my BRA peeking out

TOTALLY UNAWARE AND UNINENTIONALLY HA HA

That likely should have been the ADHD moment of day- but honestly I forgot about it. Cause it didn't really mortify me as it likely should have. HA

I mean I think I only had interacted with three (maybe 5) of the initial folks talked to and fixed it quick enough. They all were men and acted like nothing was uncomfortable or unusual and truth be told I think they did not even notice! I am NOT a busty women. There was no calling attention to that part of my body so really I think it was not seen by anyone.

The buttons likely were undone as I DID get an awesome massage before I left the other event! IT WAS AMAZING and yeah comfortable. I think the jumpsuit likely just got shifted.

It was really self nurturing. I see why folks pay for massages! (I never brought myself to do so except for gifts for others)

OK now to figure out how to get there today. Do I drive and pay too much in parking? SO I CAN EASILY BRING MY DRUM? or just carry the drum on the train?
I think I really want to bring it with me as the one thing I want to do for me is the open music jam. I want to drum tonight. That should be super fun and worth this volunteer commitment if I get in a good session of creating music.
Its been a long time since got to play with really good musicians. I am a good player. (one the drum. When improvising and playing by ear I know I will be decent on guitar too- much better than when reading chord charts etc... but not there yet. I am skill building and making myself do the HARD WORK to be a decent sight reader before take off and be creative. This is intentional on my part but the few times I fiddled and just PLAYED YEAH the guitar sounded good. The MUSIC I created sounded good. )

My Buffalo guy friend has been on my mind but no time to call to connect with him. I did learn how to play the song he sent me and sent it back being played and sung by me for his birthday present. But I didn't want to call too soon... with intention. We need to space out when we talk so we each can move on in our lives and not be so attached...
by choice... if that makes sense. For me it is the prevention of being so connected to him I have no space for anything /anyone else.

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