2023-01-24 - 7:35 p.m.

The Arts org has five new, lovely board members. Three rolled off it this year.
Two out of the three personally approached me and said they were highly upset at how I had been treated at meetings.

It is the ONE person who is consistently rude to me.

It is so weird how she has this personal vendetta against me for some unknown reason.

I can only speculate.

Transphobia

*They did push out the trans member.

Clearly pushed her out. LOVED her before the transition to herSELF

Whatever.....

or my support of ideas that person did not agree with. Whatever
I mean who the fuck cares when someone in a group consistently sees a viewpoint and perspective different from yours and shares a different view?

Most listen and learn and can respect those differences and not take it PERSONALLY

But I feel like she HAS taken it personally over the years.

The problem I have is I stick around as the people do change and I like working with all the rest and they are all lovely

AND SHE HAS MADE EFFORT YES she WENT OUT OF HER WAY TO BE INTENTIONALLY FRIENDLY TO ME

I observed it
I appreciated it

I just swear she herself may be on the spectrum and is oblivious to when she is RUDE and shares her feelings so transparently in utter rash rudeness

and it is often directed only at me,

Cause for some reason I trigger her.

The trouble is then it makes me NOT WANT TO SHOW UP

and honestly it makes me have ZERO ENERGY

to feel DEPLETED and feel like it is a burden to show up to help out.

The board meeting was last night and there was just another fucked up moment.

I mean the topic of discussion was MARKETING Two ladies are now taking care of that. And they were talking about marketing the upcoming show.

I was supposed to go volunteer tonight just to be present at the rehearsal. I went last week and ENJOYED IT.

But tonight now that it is late I honestly am tapped of energy and feel like I procrastinated so am late

cause did not want to be there.

I bitched to my kid about it in fact. It just came bubbling out. Hell for years I also stayed involved as this particular kid expressed interest years ago in technical theater and when an adolescent said "I would love to make movies, be a director." The way to get there is to start doing the work WHERE YOU ARE in the opportunities that arise. So it is logical a local theater group a good start. I stayed involved hoping my kids might tag along- the ones interested ( in particular the youngest who expressed that interest). I told her whenever she talked of interest in technical theater that the theater kids who volunteer and RUN the backstage- the stage managers, techies etc are all super nice teens and she would be welcomed and enjoy it. But she never wanted to give it a try. Then the older one who is autistic got on the rant for the past few years of how abelist most allistic parents of autistic kids are. How most orgs so called for autistic kids are REALLY all about behavioral management training and designed by parents to teach autistic and other disabled kids how to mask and act as typical as possible and not REALLY About accepting disables for who they are. I can't disagree MOST ARE LIKE THAT. BUT The place I worked , autism services in NY, was DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT and started in response to those models. And this org has been likewise all about actually giving any disabled person a place to develop their talents in the arts. This is a different kind of space!! SERIOUSLY They kick parents OUT of the rehearsals and the classes for a reason- they don't want that mom or dad who trigger the kids and are not getting it that their kid really is OK. Its an org about knowing disabled CAN and DO Achieve and it it the opposite of infantilizing. I have encouraged my autistic kid to show up before judging it . (They actually did for an art class. They were disappointed it was not advanced enough for them. I said- so go enroll in another art class and find the right one for you- then but don't criticize it for what it is. I was glad they tried it at least. They actually seemed to enjoy it after about a half hour but later spoke negatively of the experience so it was just not for them). So my involvement in part has been cause I thought these YOUNGER kids of mine might decided to come along and see if it is a space they would enjoy. I mean the board experience of mine is not at all related to what a participant's experience would be! ( The rudeness of the one person at me is very particular.) Now at last night's meeting when they were talking about marketing I asked the simple question of the two ladies now heading marketing-
Do you want me to take pictures at rehearsal tonight?

To which the BITCHY LEADER LADY ANSWERED ( I was not asking her , not her domain- bitch - she can't even let her marketing peeps answer)
"NO We need good pictures, that really pop, with bright colors"

WTF?

And I asked "Do you want any Instagram Live?"

They said NO

The folks in charge of marketing said , well one said "I don't know how to do that"

and the other said "No", something like "Me either"

SIGH...
and the Bitch said "We are not talking about social media now. We are focusing on reaching out to community groups"

And I just responded, " Well, we do have a good connection on our Instagram, just so you are aware , of literally every arts org, and theater group and creative group and media outlet that might find our show of interest, so you might want to leverage it."

I just looked now to confirm.

278 followers of the IG.

And just for the record primarily local. I spent hours scrubbing IG to find any local org/group/ artist/ media person on there. I looked at the IG history of the content as well for my own sanity to confirm it is not my imagination this bitch board member is in la la land with her perception of past marketing compared to current. ( I swear she is not on social media and just DOES NOT GET IT that is really most effective currently.)

I took a screen capture for my own purposes as I can use to capture my capability as THAT PICTURE (screen capture) shows the thumbnails of images I POSTED as a great example in future of my Marketing acumen ( if I ever want to help someone else with Marketing other than the Professional org I now do that for.) The thing is I currently would be EMBARASSED to say connected to the marketing of this org cause their social media presence now is abysmal. It is bad. They post crap that no one can read on the platforms. ( TOO MUCH TEXT. FLYERS- yea they still use flyers sent home for cripes sake with school kids- the ones that end up crumples in the bottom of a bookbag, or thrown out never read. Hell maybe it is just me but I never saw those. They worked 15 years ago perhaps. But now? Just outdated.)

It's like the lady is clueless
that if she looked objectively she would see the POP of COLOR and CLOSE UP IMAGES
*as portraits are really my thing. Which is why the comment she made was so bizarre and I felt very personal. I take portraits. I LOVE portraiture, That has ALWAYS been my photography choice of subject matter. I had portraits in art shows. I had one in the freaking Albright Knox Art Gallery of a famous jazz musician that made it into one of their shows up in Buffalo. I have had a show on display at a couple other Buffalo, NY photography shows

of PORTRAITS
as that was what I was gifted at.

So she is so fucking both CLUELESS
and INSULTING.

My kid said I should revoke right to use all my photos and pull them all,

I said NO I needn't be a bitch. I did not put a SIGNATURE on them as the other professional photographers did.

Last year I just wanted my fucking professional photographer lover to come and take photos with me. He refuses to work for free.

*Oh yeah the young lover is a photographer. Might not have mentioned that.

But I wanted to have his help as a FUCK YOU stop disregarding my contribution bitch cause I knew the ART he would create would be so stunning it would have shut her the fuck up of her criticism of my marketing acumen when I pushed out that fucking content. ( As yeah I was technically still in charge of marketing on twitter and IG last year.)

They unofficially just announced the two ladies doing IG and I was defacto IGNORED as it was clear they did not want me to do that in last few months.

They had pulled me off Marketing director ( and the team I had long been dissolved which they achieved by saying they were upset to learn we had these meetings at the pubic library. It was so fucked up. They talked about a committee structure and getting volunteers so I had eight freaking marketing committee members and WE ROCKED IT One year and then the board freaked out as acted like they were flummoxed that there was no control over the content and they were overwhelmed at not knowing what was going out.

They voted to have ONE PERSON review and approve all- ME
but then freaked out they did not have control.

It was like after a year ( or two) they forgot the conversation and were suddenly freaked to realize we had this IG and twitter following ( none of them were social media suavy) and it freaked the hell out they had NO CONTROL

cause they gave it to me.

So they got someone they trusted to take control and she took over Marketing but she was not into IG and Twitter and SHE TRUSTED ME so they dethroned me as Director- and really just lost a bunch of OTHER volunteers- then she became new Director but she has such RESPECT of me and I wasn't doing anything she had issue with
so that I think irritated this lady even more that

I didn't quit
CAUSE I LOVE HIGHLIGHTING THE KIDS and DISABLED ADULTS IN THE PROGRAM!!

I mean my joy is ELEVATING the ARTISTS and giving them their day of pride and joy in shining in the spotlight!
The articles I used to write monthly about one featured artist gave such joy to those folks ( back in the day of the newsletter- that someone else took over then dropped doing as it is lots of work and they did not find time to keep it up. I used to just push myself til 1 or 3am to get it done.)

So I am HAPPY TO BE DONE with working on this without appreciation.

BUT I am happy to stick around and IGNORE ONLY HER the ONE BITCH with a WHOLE NEW BOARD

I mean five freaking awesome new people!

And not get pushed out of a space I LOVE by one weird lady with some chip on her shoulder. The other older members are lovely as well. I just don't know why they are influences by her so much at times. That I don't get.

EXCEPT....

When it comes to a moment RIGHT AFTER her personal insult. (I mean so directly negative and particular to me-

She was postive to everyone else I just lose my ENERGY To get it done sometimes. I mean I just did not have energy to show up. I realized I did not want to show up when angry at her. I prefer to sit with this, process it and get over the moment and show up when it is passed and move on. I want to show up when I am joyful and ready to be engaged. This is not a fucking marriage or commitment like family for which I need to push through the negative bull shit and be present. Fuck that. I am going to pass tonight..
I offer to take fucking pictures and she says no

in so insulting of a manner when the question was not even for her.

I mean I was so insulted that it was PERSONAL.

I mean if anyone else said "would you like me to come take pictures" she would have said "GREAT"

Not to mention I was offering to take photos to SEND to the current PEEPS in charge of marketing. One said she NEEDED pictures for an upcoming campaign she is going to work on. My initial comment "Would you like me to take pictures at rehearsal tomorrow" was immediately AFTER she said she wanted anyone who HAD good marketing photos to send them to her, I ASSUMED the CURRENT photos would be better than OLD ONES.

It is so hard to go and do something that I even HAVE FUN and GET JOY OUT OF when someone is shitting on me in the particular like that.,

BUT I was going to show up take the pictures ANYWAY and send them to the marketing peeps and let them decide what they want to use or not.

But I tell you this.
In looking at the thumbnail images when I pulled up the IG
it just is obvious, those pops of COLOR she wants

Are all my fucking photos.

EVERY DAMN ONE

including the ones of her son. I mean that is what cracks me up. He is photogenic and a participant in the programs.

I have some of the BEST photos I took of him.

Highlighted on the web site, and IG and other marketing materials.

Just saying.... after someone else took over the social media they do this AWFUL thing of taking a photo of a busy flyer full of TEXT UGH!! JUST NO
NEVER take a photo of a busy flyer for social media!!

NO ONE READS IT

You need CLOSE UPS
POPS of COLOR
and SHORT CLEAR TEXT
SIMPLE and DIRECT

I fucking edit and wordsmith and take like an hour to tweak one freaking IG POST. I get pros to edit. Friends/family copywriters
I just get so tired of the unapprechiation.

EXCEPT when I USED To use IG live which was quick! That was not a heavy lift. Its actually the easiest thing to do- a 15 sec zoom in at the right moment of some person in creative flow really showing energy and talent in a brief moment and then also the BIG Picture. When using IG live it is the only time I do want perspective of the whole stage for a brief moment. ( Rather than the close up only). That showing of the process during rehearsals ( although for safety of kids I never did IG live DURING A rehearsal. I would record and post those videos the next day. I just did IG live during ART SHOWS in really public venues that were all over the county not at the rehearsal space of the young kids. I keep that private for safety of the younger kid so never livestreamed from their regular rehearsal space real time. WE have OLDER artists however with shows hung all over the county and I would IG live from those opening parties.)

SIGH

I just know that there were a few hundred followers and that LOCAL marketing to other orgs/theater groups etc...and the targeting paid FB marketing brought in lots of NEW people to their shows.

So I offered and got the No. I am quite fine with that- but it was the RUDENESS of which the comment was made with finality without allowing any conversation from the others on the board who I am sure were just as stunned at me. ( This is where her blind spot as a leader is. She is rude to me and OTHERS then LEAVE as they too get upset and don't want to be a part of something like that!) They want to focus on other avenue- other community spaces to market in person Sending flyers to schools and other groups, etc. They want to have a couple particpants live show their taletns ( great idea)! All wonderful new creative ideas which is fantastic.

BUT... they are dropping the social media marketing campaigns that I used to do and for a time had a TEAM of folks doing.

I think they have no idea the impact of dropping that.

Last year the ticket sales were down. I am afraid they will be done more this year to be honest.

They don't realize the benefit of paid targeted FB ads that I ran. They were told. There is selective amnesia as someone "suggested" considering that and I was baffled as we had a whole google analytics breakdown of the data of our website traffic, and the FB marketing all set up and I PAID for ads for YEARS.

IT was like it was a new idea. But they did not follow through last year.

Not my issue or problem or role anymore.

But it is hard to also hear things like passive aggressive. wait... NO IT WAS A FUCKING DOWNRIGHT AGGRESSIVE Comment- like the other one from the BITCH also said last night:

"Not to criticize the past marketing people. But we really need to improve"... I think prefaced " reaching out to other local groups"... or something like that.

They have no idea the almost three hundred local groups we were hitting on IG and Twitter are not going to be reminded of our presence anymore.

And that without the paid ads I had purchased when I ran the FB that they will not have a bunch of NEW folks coming to see shows for the first time.

WHATEVER
They also don't realize I and one other person plastered multiple towns with HUNDREDS of posters.

I am not doing that anymore.

And they don't realize I used to take a whole Saturday and make cold calls to sell ads- I mean for HOURS , going through the phone book and I had a marketing team with a script we all wrote some doing the same and some pounding the pavement. ( Yet they wondered why no ads were sold a couple shows ago. That was after they did not support that committee. Told us not to have meetings at the library anymore. We can't fucking have a marketing meeting in the middle of an arts center when a rehearsal is going on. Hell no- too noisy. I gave up. I stopped doing it all long ago.)

I just still find it sad they act so clueless.

I mean they ARE so clueless.

Whatever.

The NEW FOLKS JUST ROCK! They will ROCK IT with what they do! They are going strong with GRANTS. So they will surely bring in grant money to offset their not as adept ( YET) at social media. I also think they will get there. In time.

But in the meantime.

I just did not have energy tonight.
I was going to go help at rehearsal. I blew it off and wrote instead to vent at the hurt.

Maybe that is childish.

BUT I also misplaced my glasses. I was going to be just 20 min late after choosing to cook a nice meal for everyone.

I could have just grabbed a snack and been on time. But after dealing with some emails from recruiters and responding to them it was later than hoped.

CE la vie.

And I have study to do of the material for the show I am doing. Hell I love theater. I love BEING IN SHOWs.

So enough of the bullshit of supporting in the background and on the sidelines.

I am just fucking doing what I absolutely love and wanted to do all along,

ACT

So I am skipping the bullshit of giving my energy and time to some org still run by a bitch who is nasty to me.

And putting into actually ACTING and participating IN a show myself.

Sigh

I will show up to help next week.
They can use fucking old pictures for the current marketing campaign. I can let go of my thought CURRENT images are better. CURRENT images pull in friends and family who see their loved ones and get excited. CURRENT images show the process of the creation which is so joyful and fun to watch.

What the fuck.

Let them send the old CDS with the compliation of some of the best of photos over the years.

Hell it will make me laugh if ONCE AGAIN the new peeps go through and pull some of the most compelling historic photos to use for this next marketing campaign... and

AGAIN

pull the classic, old picture ( honestly the one most oft used.I mean it showed up on a brochure, on a power point, in an online Give Choose campaign AND is also BLOWN UP HUGE in the office of the Arts Center the shows are at- which is

of my daughter.

Seriously. One of the most beautiful and most used marketing images for this org is not a picture I took ( although a close second IS one of mine- of two kids with adorable caps of bright colors and rosy fat cheeks- very close up)-

but now a TWENTY year old photo of my oldest dancing in a blue fairy like dress exuberantly, joyfully.

YEAH, so why do I continue to volunteer here at all for this org?

Because back then, twenty-two years ago, this org gave my oldest two that. The safe space for them to find their joy.

YEAH

It was like the oasis when we found ourselves in this dysfunctional abusive situation that was terrifying. That one safe space for my two kids to be joyful. Where they did not have to worry about if they were about to be yelled at, criticized or hit. The one place no one was walking on eggshells in fear as it was the thing we did as a family outside of the home, away from the family farm we were on which was removed from everything else in its isolation of its 100 acres.

I suppose I just feel like I want to help curate that for some other kid who needs that place, that safe space, this organization that offers it.

I now know what I am going to think of when I have to cry when on stage. It came to me. For years I could not cry. I could not even express emption; as it did not feel SAFE to do so I am sure- when married to the volatile husband.
I was traumatized.
I was dissociative.
I had a self protective shell which was necessary for the time.
The one thing that made me cry again were heartfelt emotional beautiful words written on Facebook by the one person who had looked at me during those years of abuse and feeling imprisoned and dulled and dead-
with such compassion
and insight
like he SAW ME
REALLY SAW right through me-

and said what I thought no one could know

How "sometimes two people can be in a marriage and it is not healthy in the least as there is no compassion, no love, and only anger and pain and fear yet no one would ever know that from the outside looking in."

I forget the EXACT words

But something to that effect and then
"That is NOT how love is supposed to be. That is not what love looks like."

It was like this man saw right through me as well as through the mirage of the image my husband wanted to convey

and somehow wanted to let me know I was seen.

I wrote him a letter years later thanking him. That friend. Now I do call him friend.

He is a special, special gifted loving person who touches many people. He touched me and my kids.I mean he was the first director that worked with my two oldest who have made a life in performance, in creation of beauty, of music and stories, and theater and song every since in some capacity or another. Hell I joined this board when he left it- at his invitation, to fill the gap he was leaving behind. ( As if I could EVER fill his gap!)
I have done my best.
But yeah I think I have trouble letting go because of how deeply important that experience of being in this show was for my oldest two and me.

That director says music saved him.
I feel like being in that show that year, when we first move here-saved us. I mean in a very literal way. ACTING , THEATER and MUSIC has saved my oldest two for sure, and still continues to.

Its like that space is a sacred one to me. That place and that space and I am not going to let one bitch defile it for me. So I will show up; just not tonight as I had better things to do with my time and once again I will show up for the kids and for me but tonight just needed that break. Perhaps because this writing was what I needed as I work through the part I will play in the story I will tell-

because I am not yet telling my story. That will come in time. But until then the next best thing is the telling of other stories.

I wrote a monologue once and did go to one audition to tell my own story. It was years ago. I also wrote that letter thanking that director and asked if he would collab with me as I wanted to tell my story. You know I think at first he said perhaps... lets talk... but then we never did. I think he thanked me and felt it was an honor to be appreciated. But he did not want to collaborate obviously.

But regardless, someday I will tell my stories. Until then I am happy to be learning the skills to tell others, sing other songs as I continue to craft my own.

I was telling the director, and laughing about it as doing so, about my sorid relationship with my cell phone. How I RESENT technology. How I am awful at learning to use it.
She empathized
and laughed at some of the comments I made. I said "I could write a whole monologue on my relationship with my phone"
She said "Do it- bring it, maybe we can incorporate it into the show."
She was sincere.

I am not sure I want to do that just yet. Maybe-

I had told her- "Heck I think I already wrote the piece in journaling and it is a matter of finding and editing it!"

I think I have... here somewhere....

So maybe.
Maybe I will get that done and bring it to her for her review and feedback and input.

But not yet. She did not mean for THIS SHOW but meant for her theater space! I just want to nail down the accents and feel like I have mastered the parts given to me first and focus on this production before working on my own material.

BUT it was encouraging and I was thrilled she suggested that!

SO now, back to studying and practicing my lines. I think I will have no issue crying when have to deliver that particular one that requires that emotional response. Hope can shut if off quickly too!
Practice...Practice... Practice...

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