2023-02-01 - 11:16 p.m.

I have to go to bed. I work at 7am

It is hard to wind down as have been reading my script and researching some of the period information on the clothing highlighted and just overall having an absolute blast. I have seven different scenes I am in- some monologues and some dialogues.

Did YOU know that PAPER dresses were an actual fad in the 60s?? Seriously
they were the first flash fashion!

HA I had no idea.

OK have to go to sleep.

But I sent a text to the gentleman that coached me today thanking him ! I wanted to let him know how much fun it was and to text him the address of the studio.

I hope he is able to make it.

It was so validating and sweet that he texted back
"I'd have kept working all evening with you on that monologue! It's brilliant! And you will be too"

True the writing is so brilliant. I mean so good that I feel like even if I am not great the writing speaks for itself. I am just the conduit to deliver this amazing work of the writers.

I honestly am honored and delighted I think I have some of the most impactful, and truth be told, hardest parts of the show to perform.

I gravitated toward the scenes that are intense and emotionally impactful rather than the ones overtly funny. There are funny lines throughout, but the sensibility of each scene shifts and is unique and I happened to gravitate toward the more intense emotional experience. I mean the ones that are of life changing traumatic moments to then be overcome...

yeah....
cause you know

I find them healing.

There is therapy in telling others stories.

TIPS to self:

( As when I write things I try.. and think.. they help me to be more mindful of them)

Don't be afraid to slow down, and take a pause. Let the audience be uncomfortable.
That is ok

Take all the time you need.

Then this is what his direction was that really helped hit home for me - to deliver the material as it is meant to be experienced

"Take as much time as you need for your world to be shattered; just destroyed; devastated"

It was so fundamental and basic and true.

There is this one scene when the contrast between the character in a happy joyful moment

THEN tells the story of their trauma

and I will take the pregnant pause of gathering time and ability to tell the story. Because it is hard to even speak of the unspeakable
the horror

I have to harness that experience

AND THEN after getting it out- and he reminded me I can play with the delivery in a few different ways. He said "read it intentionally the SAME without overemphasis-- to do it as you think BADLY And see if anything jumpes out that should be delivered different. See what emerges"

He said
Don't deliver these likes as you THINK they should be- try to intentonally do somehthing that feels WRONG and just hear it and see it and SEE WHAT HAPPENS

He urged me to really play with the material

I read it a few different ways

But in the process what became clear was that dramatic tension moment

OF going from the JOY

The peace and happy

TO BAM

world shattered

and then the period of
doubt
insecurity
self blame
loathing
anger
confusion
denial
hesitancy
withdraw
so traumatized can't speak
so hard to tell story avoid it
say it so quickly to get through the pain of telling-
spit it out

ALL THAT

and then the breakthrough of reclaiming self

ALL THAT is in this ONE Incredibly BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN MONOLOGUE

I mean when I read the script

THAT piece was the one I wanted to read.

And I was hesitant at first. I waited out of deference to the others, to let them pick first. I was asked to pick what I wanted to read. Others chose a couple of pieces. No one had picked that yet which was what I thought one of the most impactful pieces.

I chose that one.

I didn't pick anything else because I wanted that one to be good. No one else picked it and it was a relief to me in a way as it read -

so personal,

to me

I mean the trauma is different but the fact of WHAT the moment of trauma or WHAT violence faced AS A WOMAN
BECAUSE A WOMAN
in a way unique to being a woman

Is the same for all who have a version of their own Me too.

The story to hear is the OVERCOMING IT
and the arising from the brokenness
That is the story I want told.
I want the story of the phoenix.
The dance when someone tried to stop a woman's dancing.
The drumming after someone punched the hole in the goatskin of the drum.
The singing after someone told the lie that her voice was terrible
The acting after someone said she was not good enough and that acting was not important or valuable enough to pursue so she needs to focus attention on other things that are valuable

I honestly felt like this one piece spoke to me so intensely, so PERSONALLY I just couldn't bear to hear another read it who might not understand the depth of the pain.
I didn't want it read and glossed over.

You know there was a icebreaker at church last weekend, as we had a congregational meeting. The facilitator was trying to make the point of how diverse we were. And had folks go to one side of the room or other - if they met the criteria of a called out thing-
like
IF you like chocolate cream, go over there;
and if you like vanillla- then over there.. etc

and at one point the distinction was between

"If you know someone who has been a victim of domestic violence go over there"

And " If you do not know someone who is a victim of domestic violence, stand over there"

It felt really painful to me actually that only a handful- I mean like 6 people or so, stook on the side acknowledging they know someone who has been a victim of domestic violence.

I never felt more invisible than in that moment.

I mean this was in My CHURCH
IN MY COMMUNITY

and I felt like I was never SEEN by them.

One lady in the small group said,

"Everyone should be here. You all have, but some just don't know it."

So I guess that feeling that I do not want this subject matter of the story of the woman facing violence that changed her life to be glossed over, ignored, or handled in a light way which does not acknowledge and allow her to KNOW she is SEEN and HEARD and there is real EMPATHY and that
YES She can overcome the challenge of the shock of her life being shattered- with
REAL ENCOURAGEMENT

cause others have been there too..
have overcome

and YES YOU TOO CAN OVERCOME and stand strong

is why when I read the script and we were asked to say which piece we wanted to read, I chose just that one. ( AT first)
Because for me there is no other story that I can tell which may be as impactful in helping others SEE that which they often gloss over and ignore because it is uncomfortable.

So that director's one comment

Take all the time you need.

Make the audience uncomfortable.

In a way was brilliant direction.

Because YEAH I don't want this piece to be delivered too quickly. I don't want the audience to be able to ignore it's weight

AND
I want them to GET IT so they can then ALSO , FULLY

TRULY, FULLY EMBRACE THE JOY as well.

I feel like the acting coach thought I was crazy when I go to this scene that I said-"oh that is the easiest one"
He was like "What, the easiest one?"

But it was kinda true- I mean for me, the scene was the most RELATABLE to me, the one I felt most personally CONNECTED to... I mean it is not easy
but also at the same time it is SO WELL WRITTEN that I feel like the strong construction of the writing makes it hard to mess up!

OK To bed now.
I am just going to read it through one more time.

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