2023-02-03 - 7:46 a.m.

Some of my oldest's work is devastating.

Published work

It is so gut wrenching to read

Because it is born of the trauma of THIS

THIS LIFE of mine that she was brought into

and some choices I made

So in the past I have read these poems a bit desensitized. (* Did I ever even read this particular one found before last night?? I mean it hit so hard. Like I never read it. Maybe there was not a link to this one before. Maybe I really never did read it or if I did I could not process it and it was like a block of the words, of their heavy weight. Or their reality and the reality they parsed out and told. So jarring. But it is important to see. YES Evidence just found I have the fucking beautiful hard copy of the presigiuos journal which sits in University shelves.... oh wait... no most cut the budgets to buy journals sits on shelves of artists who bought a journal of poetry over the cup of cofee... in Brooklyn apts...and soho solo flats where there is not much else, no room for clutter but someone had to buy that journal. YEAH it is that kind of literary space where the creations of this gifted genius sit. AND NOW I think they are done with writing for a time and joyfully create music. JoYfully CREATE the positive energy and antithesis and alchemize and antidote of the Black Joy That is the thing. Unless we SEE the reality of the horrors we can't heal and not repeat the past somehow. Its the undoing felling undone but yet can neve undo Re-do? Folks try and it is always a fail Like the husband's second marriage to another wife with another 5 kids which can't ever undo the past harm done the first failed time round.... (DAMN I came to edit one misspelling of significance and leave the ones I kinda like as they and new, additional meaning.... but had to write more- the compulsion of the words that keep spilling out... Will leave it, this aside , extrapolation in the midst of the first early thoughts of the day. So we have to look and see. When I look the pain is so overwhelming but then we have to also see the beauty. YET not to deny the reality of the pain. Somehow important to see both. For some reason this image keeps hitting me, as think of the horror our world saw in the death of Tyree Nichols Its the counterbalance How for some reason this image for me was his vision of the world ONE of his visions And one others need to see https://thiscaliforniakid2.wixsite.com/tnicholsphotography/fashion?lightbox=i8yfh And somehow it feels he has reached out and saved us from sure death in his own martyrdom And that feels so tragic and awful but his impact is strong now WHY must there be martyrdom no chosen?? That is the disturbing part OK to work now. I am leaving the misspelling I was going to fix and just fixed those I could see and am moving on to my actual work today. A couple contracts came in ; I was busy yesterday but was glad got one NDA reviewed and flipped back last night after opening the email at 9:30 pm. Just wanted to get the quick job right back out of my email, returned. NOW will focus on the one needing more time and attention for a couple of hours. Then will meet one gal friend for coffee and a visit to a couple more thrifts stores for fun. Not going to buy a thing! I got my boots!! I decided to just do it as do have another pay check ( small though it be coming.) The tax return should be soon enough too... that is once filed. I put in a help tix to see if the folks at the software company can see WHICH Social security number is showing not same as social security record.. I mean I input them the same as MY RECORDS in past show. Weird.. always something. BIG WATER BILL Arrived... from the plumbing I hope and not the burn rate for water AFTER repairs- have to look that up as it was TWICE what it had been in the past. But that included NOV so think.. OK looked up and NOv 19 was posting of the water woes... was not fixed yet. This bill was from NOV 11th on so fact of it being $450 is concerning. In two more months I will find out if there really was a significant difference in the prior water flow reduction mechanisms I had previously had everywhere which when busted were replaced with simple ones. Sheesh... I just hope the current water usage is not $225 a month!) I read before- Like in the state of impassioned desensitization. HA wrong word came out- as meant the opposite of impassioned-but I like the oxymoron I was almost passionate about seeing only the positive healing and not feeling the terror and grief of their work.

One of my fav IG Posts they have posted is "We love toxic positivity here" with the cat splayed in a nap on the cozy , warm mustard colored velour couch of the hip apt. they live in.

They were worried I think how hard it would be to see the operetta that dealt with the trauma but I saw the healing.

So the thing is when have to try to act
to be in the moment of pain

on THE stage, in the performance it is helpful to find what can well up the emotion.

I did not intend to seek it when reading my kid's work again.

I just miss the kids and when I go on stage would have loved if they would come. Any of them

but like their work, their art is NOT for me

My kid has said that clearly

and that is a boundry I understand and respect.

There are spaces I don't go

because they are not mine.

They are uniquely their's.

I suppose this is for me.

Its like the presence and celebration of my kids is what it longed for; it feels silly in a way.

Yet in a the most important thing is family.

Its the pain of the severing fo the time with the first two kids by the choice of the relationship with husband
who wooed by loving of them too

That is the tragic part
the bait and switch
Jeckle and Hide
I can still remember the joy of small children they were when they first came to this place- for the first few hours, days that it..
til the illusion was shattered
the promise and dream
turned nightmare

and ghosts of past
I feel the house was haunted
and how could it not have been?
Why do I want validation?
NO need
we lived there
we experienced the generations of pain from that place
from suffering of those fleeing other farms
other places of imprisonment
as they hid underground following paths led by Quakers climbing these Southern mountains

which robbed me of time , us of time with each other

So her healing of that is beautiful

and the younger kids of the then husband of mine

demand my time

I don't want to abandon them

So I am here

Here in this place, still digging and planting roots in this Virginia soil
trying to create beauty
on other patches of ground not stained by history's blood

Yet really so close
so close to where it all happened

This week I had a man ask to take me out , first to dinner, then lunch as it was clear I was not romantically interested (I said no to dinner), then cancelled as I was clear I am not sexually interested after I said I could meet an hour for lunch

Somehow he misread prior to my clarification.

I was historically interested.

His sister is the one who bought the farm
lived there a year
then moved
and the local lore is she bought the home
spent only a few nights and was terrified
said it was haunted
and put the house back on the market and sold it as soon as possible

Her mother happens to live in the retirement community I work in.

Her friends come see her.

Her son come to see her.

Her grandson comes to see her.

That sister has not.

I always recalled her name after hearing the stories. I had looked up the sales record to confirm her name years ago and figured if I ever came across her I would strike up conversation. So when he signed in to visit the last name was familiar.
I noted the visitors ( some whom I know. One visitor- The pottery teacher I took the Brownie troop too whose brother runs the AA meeting in the tiny town, and who's brother I borrowed a ladder from when needed one, who was going to upholder an antique chair I owned but who never got it done or returned the chair. I still have the matching davenport and it had a nail that sticks out that I tuck back in, and it is currently out and occasional I risk ruining some clothing item- or rather , do poke a hole into clothing- jeans even. But I still have that antique. Its my chair when I have Zoom business meetings as looks so nice against my teal wall, the contrast of the warm brown of the carved, ornate wood. HA Lawyer like! Like the heavy solid furniture you would find in a partner's office now that I think of it- but that was not why it is her or even the vibe it gave me, but it gives me a sense of ownership. It is a thing I BOUGHT a thing I LIKED and picked. The one thing I salvaged and saved from the rubble of a crumbled life as we hoped.)

But I don't need to go to lunch to ask the brother what stories he has heard, I lived my own and can let some secrets of the past lie undisturbed. Another text invite for lunch. A polite "No, thank you." my reply.

The ones I experienced
the ones I know
are disturbing enough.

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