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2023-02-16 - 8:53 a.m.

WOW found this today and it by far the best article on bipolar disorder I have ever read.

Really clarified a lot of things for me I did not know about. For example, I had no idea what the difference between bipolar 1 or 2 were. I just never really learned that.

I mean I know my bestie who is a counselor explained it to me, I heard her say the types and talk of them and say she thought I had one ( or the other)

but it is like when I VERBALLY Hear things without prior understanding

I just don't retain them sometimes. (often?)

I think I have to READ to process information as there is definately some auditory processing problem.

OR WRITE as listening. That is why I take copious notes as unless I go through the motion of writing something down ( kinetic learning I thought but maybe the seeing/reading as writing is part of that? But I don't think of myself as a visual learner. I don't recall IMAGES or pictures in my memory that I am aware of. I have dreams like a movie, the story being told but in them I am in the embodiement of my own person seeing the room as if walking through the dream, or like a fly on the wall- like a MOVIE rather than still images.)

I found that after waking and thinking YEAH I have some anxiety related to the actual bed bugs cause I rememebered a dream

VERY detailed extensive dream
I was traveling, and was with a group
there were a bunch of nice people I was with but they were a bit oblivious that they were kinda overstaying welcome at a restaraunt and they were shitty tippers

THEN They did this rude thing of not only lingering but moved to another area, another set of tables

making more work for the staff

The story happening unfolded with more clarity and detail than most dreams I remember
(probaby as did not sleep well! So awakened in middle of it I guess!)

Recent people I saw on line- on their FB pages, or some post.... acquantences I like and am curious about.

That was kinda fun actually upon waking to recognize the threads in the dream informed by recent things read about others I do like.

It was some meeting/convention in another city ( funny my friend's mom posted about her travels to a convention. She is my friend(Acquantence)too and I was so happy for her to see her professional work and her enjoyment of it. Her post to me was showing her happy pride I am so pleased as years agoI recall her being really frustrated after trying to break back into the workforce as an older worker and I was encouraging to her. I encouraged her to color her hair and play the stupid game to find the job which she did. I LOVE that know that is is respected and comfrotable in a job she is ROCKING that she also rocks her natural beautiful grey hair
Her confidence is clearly up. I ran into her in a local store ( she moved, used to be in my neighborhood) and it was so nice to see her.
One of those lady acqaintences really like hit it off
we talked of getting together

I am bad at that follow through

There is another lovely lady in the neighborhood who I am friendly with and she was walking her dog and ran into me and was eagar to talk. I got my dog and we walked and enjoyed a visit and exchanged #s (I thought?) but once again I can't freaking find her #
I can just stop by but every time I think of it I am sure she is at work.

So the follow through on my part is bad.
She even left a bag of cookies on the doorstep for my kids and I for Christmas so I really DO have to stop by and make effort to get together with her. She is a nice person. I knew her husband years before and he is an acquaintence. She is quirky a little and needs some gal friends. Helpful to talk about navigating challenges socailly at work.... she too landed a new job and it is good for her but also a challenge.

I keep thinking of her as I take walks but then don't think to get organized to reach out at REASONABLE times. Will think of her at odd times that are just not good for follow through.

But back to the dream

acaaintences in it-
a random college acquantence there Not even a good friend but a cool person who is a libarian ( funny not the former nanny who I am close to who is a librarian but an acqaintence- a gay man former classmate I was not close to but my FRIENDS were close to! Informed by recent funny bot that made me laugh- you know those fake profiles, that are typically of techbros and then GI JOE macho miltiary support types,,, then came the surgons trying to save the world ALL hot bots fake friend requests, and I find it funny this time it was a Talented gay actor that I got FAKE IM From! HA HA I mean the algorithms!!! I connect to a new friend on line, an actual taletned gay artist and voila the algorithm changed! AND it picked up on my comments on theater peeps pages.. HA They may have finally figured me out! CRACKED Me up actually as I almost FELL for this one as was fan girl excited by the text for a minute or two.. HA HA HA) so sure that informed this person showing up in my dream. Me thinking how funny it was that my tech vulnerability is gay artistic men very recently.,, of course ... very comforting for him to show... who better knows tech ( other than engineers.programmers my psyche just does not want in tmy dreams! HA HA) than librarians..

My son's one HS theater teacher who recently got married in a Rom Com like Love Covid style long distance ZOOM Dates romance with a woman he met in an on line Yoga class showed up at the conference
then it became clear it was not likely a professional conference
but akin to the what I called LOVe FEst hippy thing
the new agey lets have authentic connection health , wellness, and sexual freedom celebrated all co joined with artistic expression of all kinds- (I mean they are kinda cool) including tantra and kink stuff...
* * Oh simply as in real life he really met her at a YOGA class held during some conference and on her web presence there is mention she is a student or teacher of trantra herself. That alone makes the Rom Com even more interesting.... (the real life rom com of their story. Theater teacher and tantric artist who is actually a very SHY PERSON in personality but who can engage in the role of teacher to others. She actually seems conservative which is something aligns with taking sexsuality as very seriously conjoined with spiritalaity- which is at core of REAL tanrtic beliefs- so she seems the authentic deep real wonderful person... not the interlopers that are drawn explotiviely to those spaces. So not worried he landed a narcissistci opportunist I GUESS or THOUGHT---... not worried for him who I like as a person from the little but I know. But heck when you see how a teacher teacehs and inslires- and how mych heart and sould and TIME they put into their work I feellike you kinda get ot know the essence of a person by their work. When I see how he supported MY kid.. BUT MY DREAM Told me othewise as he was ALONE and I was then so WORRIED
OH NO WHERE IS HIS WIFE ..... so the dream revealed my concern it was such a quick whirl wiind of long distance romance ... but that is just fears from My PAST and I know it.)

So in the dream after the group I was with were dispersed
I went back to the resteraunt
honestly cause had no cash initially when there

but guess got some? And I wanted to go back and tip them and thank them

And the owner was there and was gracious and said "Sit down" and wanted to chat
and opned this package that came and it was of a huge box of chocolates

and she opens it and holds to toward me saying "Take one! "

They were MASSIVE chocliates

And this is informed by the real story my kid told me of going to her Italian Grandparents home with her Dad where they were helping clean out the house of years of piled up crap. Nothing less than hording on part of Grandma , a depression child who finds comfort in knowing there is always enough in her home but has gone overboard. ( At least not as bad as many! Her home was CLEAN and organized. The kids laugh about the PASTA ROOM. I mean she had storehouses of things for an army in event of amegeddon it seemed. Pasta and CANDY which is how even a massive Baci Parugia ( HEy a good clearnace choclate pick just now if your supermarekt doesn't just rock itheir chocoalt stock.¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQiAxbefBhDfARIsAL4XLRr6PlEpjJvM7eFlvzGFBjKp4KQC-plUuMTOxuUZ7EA7Xqwr9VSwoUUaApfBEALw_wcB

Link found and name of brand found based on a quick seach of the blue wrapped Italian chocolates , this one found by my kid ridicoulously ludicrously oversized that ended up forgotteon in a storage room . My kid was astounded, found it hilarious and then brought it out to the kitchen when opened it up and cut off the stale edges and the fam ate at least some of the rest of it as they continued on the task of organizing and throwing out crap and donating things. Grandma apparently responded to the bossiness of her son and grandaughter.

( so glad she went and has been speding time with her Dad actually. Family is important! Get over the pain of the bause and fogive and move on... I think it better for familes when ADULT children can do that .When they are not vulnerable and in postioons of being manipulated. In her case she is getting encouragement and is responsve to Dad's help but not mine so I am glad he is there for her and helping her out in her next adulting steps frankly. Anytime I ask if she needs help, and ask about anything she just gets MAD at me. Its really funny in a way and also typical teen/ young adult behavior.)

Oh in my dream of visiting the Italian restaruant then the lady hands me the box of MASSIVE chocolates

And I pick a foil wrappted truffle ( Think Ferreror Rocher... they were baciscally on sale at my local market for about half the normal amazon price! I did get a good deal on the box that my kid and I went through a few weeks ago! DAMN Price point was also good for Valentines Day but I refrained as really focused on exercise and AVOIDING chocolate now til I can fit my clothes again!)

And I unfold the Gold wrapping, of a truffle larger than both my hands- larger than a baseball but smaller than a soccer ball- somewhere in between the two

the chocolate BOMB just explodes open
unfolding like a flower busting forth
kinda like if you cracked a chocolate orange ( which yes we also ate post Christmas in Jan!! I mean we had LOTS of chocolate in Jan and early Feb...)

and we see the liquid center

and see small swimming tiny BUGS in it ( sperm like now that I think of it ! HA HA OK or tadpole like..... yeah tadpole like)

a few
and it spolled out somehow onto the floor and there was worry about those buggers going INTO The wall crack at the joint

Oh my!

Glad upon awaking I just find this amusing. No overt actual ANXIETY at all. Just bemused.
I suppose I wrote and dreamed it all out working through it!

Ok enough writing. I have chores/ cleaning to do today! I just enjoyed this for a bit as obciously did not sleep well last nigh. AH breakfast, then a SWIM then chores!! I often have more energy after exercise and come back wanting to get shit done.
YES that seems like a good plan.

*I did run the past two days, so today will be a swim day. I am getting disciplined again ( kinda out of necessity- but hey whatever works! The pants not fitting are very motivating for me as I apparently not only got rid of all my TOO SKINNy size 4 stuff I know hope never to need again; but also got rid of most of the size 10 .12 stuff. What remians is 6 and 8 which is where I have been at for recent years. That clearing out of closet last year and getting rid of tons of clothing then- yeah it was that stuff. My still massively overflowing closet with oversized wardrobe I need to thin further ( maybe today as I clean can do some of that too- throw shit in the freezer to kill bed bugs as YEAH THAT WORKS before donating items.. but yeah I can start or rather continue the trying to reduce clothing to declutter) Now there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with being a healthy size 10 or 12. In past I would NOT HAVE CARED A BIT however---this is at this point not a healty body of that size. It is an out of shape not having exercised in a year body of that size that overindulged in chocolate without moving enough. IN past I was that size from pregnancy or a healthy weight gain. I never had any food issues at all or worry about weight or even size. I never cared before BUT NOW I CAN"T AFFORD to shop! With last weight gains , say pregnancy- someone wanted to take me shopping ( mother!) to celebrate with joy the changed body as the baby grew! ( Oh the funny materinity clothing back then in early 90s when for some reason someone thought it a good idea to dress the mother like a baby doll! HA HA They were AWFUL... the ones bought at the maternity store. ) Or husband, who secretly prefered if I was heavier and not according to the worlds fucked up standards of beauty, thin and therefore in his eyes YES in his mysogonistic eyes MORE attractive when thin. He loved to buy me shapeless things that hid my figure with only the occassional dressing cute when with him and when he could brag about me like I was his doll. ( I still recall him making some fucking comments about me so objectivied when the guys doing all the work on the house were talking about what a great property it was and how he was so lucky and I came out and he was showing them around and he made some fucking mysogoistic comment that was not a complimetnt at all but "oh yeah I am lucky I have this too" as it seemed third person objectifying in its delivery. Not meet my wife being introduced with respect, but ruldely kinda like the trophy wife I felt like being shown off with his narcissitic pride flowing strong. I don't remember the words but it was so appalling. AND the guys receivd it the same way I did frankly - in horror. I mean I saw their faces and their thougths of "This guy is an asshole" were coming in strong. Construction workers. Guys who sometimes love to talk shit, somehow know how to even be classier than he was in that moment. Hell they could make a sport of trying to pick up a women in fun at a job site and it would still not have been as offensive as that moment. I mean it offended LATino machoistic men! *becasue many of them are family men. The bravado is a style of comunication, a flair, a flirtation, but they often just have a kinda way about them where they can do that and if you understand it it is not threatneing. THEN some do leer and of course cat call and are assholes- but this crew were a combination of home gown hard workign masons at the tiem, and the roofer. The best friend of my then ob/gyn it turned out who was swapping stories of his awful wife a gold digger who just wnated to marry a doctor and couldn't give a hoot about him; and then swapping stories of going to work and seeing the mirror image of that of the narcissitc guy who married a pretty lady for his bungoning career.

But I did not think I was going to go there.

and I oversimplify when think of that MOMENT

I mean I know we did have love. It just unraveled in his selfish narcissism.

fuck someday I won't circle back to that and the wounds really will have healed and they will not reopen with memory of moments.
DAMN it was good that none of that emerged in my dreams AT ALL. I mean the recent story from my kid was not at all about me and it was just FUNNY it blended as did in the dream. I mean it was not about the past trauma.

Ok whatever.. I wrote too long is clear.
Just stop
and move and get shit done.

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