2023-02-17 - 1:40 p.m.
I need better monkier than DC guy,
he now lives in Bethesda and the 14th and Randolph st condo he lived in is now on the market
I feel like since he is moving ok to throw this out there
Is it paranoia to have just looked for the listing
to want to have BREAD CRUMBS
and feel weird and triggered
Just by a text
"pull onto the street next to the apt and text me when here"
and wonder why the hell not just drive in and park as I know where your parking spot is in the new apt
and I can just as easlily park and don't need my hand held to do that
I like to capture the real time moments
and the thought
"What is that about?"
HA a lie for some weird reason? (Like doesn't want to have to come out here.)
Hell I have bedbugs no excuse needed if not wanting to come into my world with onery autistic blunt rude young adult fam and the fact that all the kids made my guest feel unwelcome
and maybe even UNSAFE in the moment of toxic agression that was manifest when they were here at Christmas.
Was that Christmas?
Oh it was before
and YES HE DID COME BACK
GOOD MAN THAT HE IS
He chose to continue this relationship
so I have to breathe and document
and not worry
For me it is not really an overt anxiety but just the moments
SMALL but I do something about them
Like post a record of where going
the fleeing and I KNOW CRAZY THought
lets get outlandish but the brain goes there for a SPLIT SEC
and the slightest thing can trigger me feeling controlled
like instead of giving me an address and letting me park what feels at first like micromanagement control for a reason I quesiton
BUT I KNOW is CONCERN and thoughtfulness
I forget the rationale-- why just driving in and parking is seemingly harder or complicated?
I think I WAS NOT LISTENING WELL as lack of sleep and yes worry and yes not particularly at my mental finest due to lack of sleep
BUt I do not feel manic or panicky
just feel compulsive rumination of wanting to write for SAFETY JUST IN CASE
YEAH just PTSD resurgence
and here is the crazy thought
I know not real
but back in the day I started this blog for safety I mean then my husband was cutting of the phone lines and disabling the ability to leave- flat tire on my car...stranding me without communication... controllin access to finances and abilty to go anywhere
just one moment ( I understood the mom in that movie name alluding me...where the abused mom leaves her kids thinking can go back but is blocked from doing so... )
yeah it was then I started , once he let me get out of the house again,,, the blog.
At the library
and for breadcrumbs.
SO know not feeling well. Will be find after sleep.
the buggers keeping me up take a toll.
If these thoughts do not abate then next week will call my DR. Actually, should do so anyway
ADD TO THE TO DO:
Make a psychiatrist appointment. Hell the psychologist never got back to me. CAn try him one more time too.
I was like FUCK HIM and as went on yesterdays run saw which house his office is and flipped the bird thinking OK I AM doign great when exercise maybe don't need therapy
(NOT True of course HA)
But I am like
Why not have me go park at the new apt?
HA HA I know crazy
but what if the intro and the time was to build trust but really there is a devious reason
CRAZY CRAZY bi polar paranoia
Now understand it was for like A SECOND and for that SECOND thought
MAYBE should leave a breadcrumb
of where really going.
If I disappear he is renting a new apt in BETHESDA off Wisconsin ave
I mean JUST IN CASE.
I never give REAL details but that is one as on one would possibly be able to idenify the guy from a random jounal UNLESS THEY HAD TO.
I mean no random diaryland users are going to follow breadcrumbs,
BUT JUST IN CASE
it is not bipolar illness but instinct and there was some truth to the craziness of that.
(*I think just bipolar moment from lack of sleep. BUT I dismiss them and if they happen with frequency- I mean more than ONE crazy thought and then NOTHING if another happens in a week well then go back to my Dr. And get Lithium)
So good to track them
This would be#1 short random paranoid PTSD trigger of fear of man in life perhaps wanting to kill me
CAUSE IT HAPPENED ONCE
I mean those hands were on my throat chocking me
the words were said "I am going to kill you" as it was happening.
That changes a person's brain.
Now onto getting out of here to actually enjoy the weekend as I truthfully DO TRUST this actually loving man who just is showing thoughtful CARE in his way.
My little doggy was bit! She has been resting and not her usual self understandably - 2023-02-20
But swear not crazy - 2023-02-18
- - 2023-02-17
YEAH have an exterminator coming. Should call another for at least another estimate if I can get one more available but you know with my situation GETTING IT DONE When kids gone greater priority for me than cost frankly! - 2023-02-17
To call exterminators now. Maybe on free tomorrow? - 2023-02-17