2023-02-17 - 1:40 p.m.

I need better monkier than DC guy,

he now lives in Bethesda and the 14th and Randolph st condo he lived in is now on the market

I feel like since he is moving ok to throw this out there

Is it paranoia to have just looked for the listing

to want to have BREAD CRUMBS

and feel weird and triggered

Just by a text

"pull onto the street next to the apt and text me when here"

and wonder why the hell not just drive in and park as I know where your parking spot is in the new apt

and I can just as easlily park and don't need my hand held to do that
and then go in and up to your apt door??

PARANOIA
yeah it strikes sometimes

I like to capture the real time moments

of mistrust

and the thought

"What is that about?"

then
"does he really still have his car and doesn't want me to come upon it in the garage?"

HA a lie for some weird reason? (Like doesn't want to have to come out here.)

Hell I have bedbugs no excuse needed if not wanting to come into my world with onery autistic blunt rude young adult fam and the fact that all the kids made my guest feel unwelcome

and maybe even UNSAFE in the moment of toxic agression that was manifest when they were here at Christmas.

Was that Christmas?

Oh it was before
Thanksgiving

and YES HE DID COME BACK

GOOD MAN THAT HE IS

He chose to continue this relationship

so I have to breathe and document

and not worry

For me it is not really an overt anxiety but just the moments

SMALL but I do something about them

Like post a record of where going
JUST IN CASE

the fleeing and I KNOW CRAZY THought

HA

lets get outlandish but the brain goes there for a SPLIT SEC
and I know it is silly outlandish PTSD trigger when feel controlled

and the slightest thing can trigger me feeling controlled

like instead of giving me an address and letting me park what feels at first like micromanagement control for a reason I quesiton

BUT I KNOW is CONCERN and thoughtfulness

I forget the rationale-- why just driving in and parking is seemingly harder or complicated?
Maybe he is coming down and I am to drive us to our next step stop destination- a train station

I think I WAS NOT LISTENING WELL as lack of sleep and yes worry and yes not particularly at my mental finest due to lack of sleep

BUt I do not feel manic or panicky

just feel compulsive rumination of wanting to write for SAFETY JUST IN CASE

YEAH just PTSD resurgence

and here is the crazy thought

I know not real

but back in the day I started this blog for safety I mean then my husband was cutting of the phone lines and disabling the ability to leave- flat tire on my car...stranding me without communication... controllin access to finances and abilty to go anywhere
when I walked miles to try to leave

and yeah even left the babies sleeping as feared for my life but thought he would not harm them thinking would go to police and GO BACK for them

just one moment ( I understood the mom in that movie name alluding me...where the abused mom leaves her kids thinking can go back but is blocked from doing so... )

Anyway

yeah it was then I started , once he let me get out of the house again,,, the blog.

At the library
when I could
so folks knew I was safe

and for breadcrumbs.

SO know not feeling well. Will be find after sleep.
SLEEP IS KEY FOR BI POLAR PERSONS

the buggers keeping me up take a toll.

If these thoughts do not abate then next week will call my DR. Actually, should do so anyway

SO YEAH

ADD TO THE TO DO:

Make a psychiatrist appointment. Hell the psychologist never got back to me. CAn try him one more time too.

I was like FUCK HIM and as went on yesterdays run saw which house his office is and flipped the bird thinking OK I AM doign great when exercise maybe don't need therapy

(NOT True of course HA)

But I am like
BRAIN going

Why not have me go park at the new apt?
WHAT IF
this dude is a hit man

HA HA I know crazy

but what if the intro and the time was to build trust but really there is a devious reason

CRAZY CRAZY bi polar paranoia

Now understand it was for like A SECOND and for that SECOND thought

MAYBE should leave a breadcrumb

of where really going.

If I disappear he is renting a new apt in BETHESDA off Wisconsin ave
near battery

I mean JUST IN CASE.

I never give REAL details but that is one as on one would possibly be able to idenify the guy from a random jounal UNLESS THEY HAD TO.

I mean no random diaryland users are going to follow breadcrumbs,

BUT JUST IN CASE

it is not bipolar illness but instinct and there was some truth to the craziness of that.

(*I think just bipolar moment from lack of sleep. BUT I dismiss them and if they happen with frequency- I mean more than ONE crazy thought and then NOTHING if another happens in a week well then go back to my Dr. And get Lithium)

So good to track them

This would be#1 short random paranoid PTSD trigger of fear of man in life perhaps wanting to kill me

CAUSE IT HAPPENED ONCE

I mean those hands were on my throat chocking me

the words were said "I am going to kill you" as it was happening.

That changes a person's brain.

OK that was worth it for me- those 20 minutes.

Now onto getting out of here to actually enjoy the weekend as I truthfully DO TRUST this actually loving man who just is showing thoughtful CARE in his way.

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