2023-02-17 - 11:06 a.m.

Fucking A

Just checked the bed bug detector The one that I had placed at foot of teen's bed

and it had like one tiny impression the first night

after which showed it to the teens and they were like

There is nothing there- and were gaslighting me
with the crap

take your meds!

(Yes Lithium DOES work for paranoia and a recent conversation with my bestie the actual mental health counselor clarified yup bipolar not likely a misdiagnosis... could be .... but the more modern understanding of bi-polar is that it is more nuanced

I mean think about it
Angelina Joli never went around like Kanye...
Kanye is an extreme example of the worst possible bi-polar mania

but Angelia and Abe Lincoln etc.. and the many other famous, successful folks who never went off the deep end of psycosis yet were ALSO known to be bipolar are more of a good example of how it manifests in MANY People

MOMENTS
low level
ongoing
or sometimes just a one time break with reality but then NORMAL but for anxiety

Can be very nuanced

SO YEAH Fair enough that I am a bipolar person and do at times have moments of being paranoid (or have in past) BUT for me they are more THOUGHTS

NOT TRUSTING FRIENDS for example who were brought into my world by my bestie June HERE in VA
* cause I never can trust her motives...

and you know that is not necessarily delusional or mental ilness manifestation but good INSTINCT that she is a bit *off

and honestly so many get that vibe of not being really willing to fully trust her
but we can't put the finger on WHY
other than her OWN very clear acute mental illness.

Where my lack of trust in her comes into the possible realm of paranoia is when I start to question I can trust ANYONE she ever brought into my world and think of the crazy conspiracy theories
of my EX being a fed
and others being feds
undercover
masked
and then perhaps some of them invoved in something freaky I have no clue about

so I get so called "parnoid" and worry I am tarteted by a hacker ( in past) or my ex most likely when things happened like the fucking IRS LOST all my records and could not find them ( when trying to pull to buy this home)
AND ALSO in tandem
WELLS FARGO LOST 18 MONTHS OF PAYMENT HISTORY ON A CREDIT CARD

the electronic files *POOF* disappeared

etc... etc.. and other shit

which Fuck them all for gaslighting me was fucking a REAL Experience...
oh yeah and the state of VA LOSING all my tax payments for my domestic help hired (June bestie now) as Nanny when I did pay her social security and medicaid taxes employers are obligated to pay. I set up the filing and reported the domestic help and was paying quarterly and POOF The payment record *disappeared So I fucking paid it TWICE
then a Goshdarn LEAN showed up on my HOUSE for back taxes

OF COURSE I HAD EVERY PAPER FILE

Remember back in the day of my "paranoia" the Cheerios Box filing system? Honest to God my so called "paranoia" enabled me to buy this fucking house and provide a safe place for my kids.

So all that REAL EXPERIENCE THEN YEAH did make me have some PTSD and a break at some point

But sure then I definately LATER met the criteria of bi polar.

But the thing is all that past shit was real.

And sometimes wonder if the fear and not trusting everyone June brings into my world is ALSO just SOUND GOOD instinct

which is not bipolar at all.

Its like my oldest said

" It makes the folks in Ohio telling the world they just were poisioned feel like they are going crazy
or like the world is crazy and they are the only sane ones"

Is is paranoid if from then on they are afraid to drink water??

PTSD

ENOUGH TO make you freak out and become emotionally distraught when faced with the nonsense of people ignoring reality.

BUT DAMN I came her to try to focus on the positive, proactve

GUESS needed one last rant. Then am going to stop perseverating

BUT YEAH perseverating an ADHD Trait AND.....

rumination?

HA HA is this diary just a fine example of bipolar rumination which as this article says are often reality based?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3384231/

So could it be this kinda bipolar-- SURE it is biolar but a subset of folks that had some trauma and deal with it by rumination til they work through it and need not think about it again?

or is this just really a healthy vent jounrnaling to let it out and then move onto the day without aniexty?

*Cause honestly I feel chill most of the time. I just get excited when TALKING About stuff passionate about.

An exectutive functioning thing

OK enough of that rant- I say that alot BUT M AIN POINT BEING

DAMN the teen was pissed I "violated" the boundary of her room in her eyes by putting the one bed bug detector under her bed next to the post.

I did that the night before last when set the traps out both in my room and hers. So read them yesterday and showed the teens.

The gaslighting of them sure triggered me.
The dismissing.
and of course after showing it I put it right back- at the foot of her bed and ignored her complaints and asserted

"I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ENTER YOUR SPACE FOR HEALTH PURPOSES. THIS IS CLEARLY IN MY RIGHT"

and I went upstairs and put the trap back

HOPED it would this AM show just that one tiny dot.

*IT was tiny one

I told her yesterday I don't care if it is one only- Your room ALSO HAS TO BE TREATED

but this AM the trap in her room

Is full of dots- I mean at least 5

MEANING

there is a bigger problem here that I thought, I thought it was in MY SPACE ONLY.

So I am abandoning my plan of self help.

I am hiring an exterminator.

I HAVE no choice and have to get the teen and adult inhabitant to just cooperate and clean their rooms and let the professional in the house to make a mitigation plan for the issue WHICH BETTER BE CONTAINED TO THE UPSTAIRS.

But first I am doing the following:

1. Now going to the laundromat and washing my clothes in hot freaking water along with the backpack and EVERY FUCKING THING THAT CAN BE THROWN IN HOT WATER in the older laundromat where there best be actual hot water.

2. While that is in the macine fucking cleaning my car. Spraying the heck out if it with the CLOVE Oil cleaner. It works to a degree I KNOW THAT.
I am going to clean the car and know have a clean environment. (I did just clean my car when last went to the laundromat two weeks ago so not a heavy lift. )

and then pack for this weekend and come home SHOWER and dress from the clean clothes so don't pass on issue.

THAT Is what I can do today.

Then go to guy friend's knowing now bringing guests and be VERY GRATEFUL for the time with him and also a couple solid nights of uniterrupted sleep!!
YES I SLEEP LIKE A BABY WHEN STAY OVERNIGHT WITH HIM! Bringing ALL the clothes picking out to wear to be washed (even if pulled from closet clean and have not worn yet- just to ensure they are all clean and bug free when then PACK The bag that was just washed and in the freaking hot dryer.)

I don't wake up at all after we go to sleep at his place. HONESTLY I intended to try to be positive- to focus on the positive.

I was going to write just the good news
that have way to assure myself I am not bringing any interlopers along

and that I am going to enjoy rest and a couple nights of fun and companionship and maybe romance and maybe some sexy times... will see... that is a crap shoot of mood and how we feel

energy level

his mood and mine
and honeslty don't know.

UNLIKE The lover who there is just chemisty and it is all about sex without realtionship
REAL releationships are actually HARDER for sexual connection for a reason peeps for some of us.

DEMISEXUAL folks need connection
I think there is a distinct difference between that kind of person and the person I am who can have great sex postive expereince
WHEN THERE IS A CONNECTION
with someone not in a realtionship

BUT then when there is a relationship if there is not enough actually emotional support and attentiveness and mutual care for each other
My libido SHUTS DOWN

Not sure if that is on the demisexual spectrum.

I mean like if I am getting the vibe not that into you my libido SHUTS OFF and I am like FUCK YOU
and I mean not in a good way

I feel like that too is just good sound instinct and a good thing, SO this may be the friendship and we may not be into each other so there is no excitement or anticpation but a wait and see and openeness

I am interested in seeing what my own body and responsiveness and mind tell me.

I am good at enjoying time with a person without rumination of another,

I can compartmentalize

and know IT IS WHAT IT IS is just fine for the non committal marvelous sexual relationship with a lover

That is what one does when open to open realtionships and multiple lovers

EXCEPT if I FALL IN LOVE

Then done.

Then I have to be monogomous as simply ZERO ATTRACTION To anyone else. I mean maybe that is demisexual? I am not clear on what that really means

I need to read to learn more

BUT I KNOW THIS

That I so like the DC guy so much

I mean there are so many ways we are aligned and when he acts into me and is not acting like he just wants an accoutroment to his life, an accessory to the event but acts like he has concern for me
THEN I find him ATTRACTIVE

Then there is a connection
SO for him the sexual attraction was never based on phermones or looks. That factor is the one that is the mysterious one.

Some only base their decision on THAT
and then have fucking BAD relationships!!

So the dream is to find someone with that phermone match, phycisal compatibilty where there is the love at first sight moment ( I Mean it is not love really but phycically does fall into that descirptor of what happens to the body in love-- that kind of so callled love)
AND All the OTHER THINGS

like the DC guy in a different body that has the right phermones!

I feel like the problem I have is that there is are so many different kinds of love.

ANd I have a problem with someone who emotionally holds back connection because they have the fairy tale view of love being all things for you in one person

I MEAN if you are spending all your time together just be authentic in being able to articulate your feelings. THAT IS LOVE

it doesn't have to be romantic or sexual can be friendship

or mixed

and non committal

I am so fine with that but not when there is a shut down a distancing without conversation
and that is what DC guy does

NON VERBALLY

with REALLY CLEAR FUCKING NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION

or maybe unclear read of signals on his part responsed to by him with the distancing at times

and when that happens then there is ZERO Attraction for me
and him too-
and

Can't even respond
body doesn't

and we are in the friend space
but some weird tension
and I can never figure out what his issue is as he does not ARTICULATE IT

but it shuts ME down
so I read the room and then Go-

but YEAH am delighted to spend time with him next when he wants to

and know we will have a blast toghther... until we don't and he hits his uncomfortable distancing thing...
and I leave.

and it might just be that he is a person with a mood disorder and I am taking it personally so feel DEFINATELY Worth it to continue on the mature path of working through issues

as I think of it as a friendship, yeah with benefits, and sure love is there of some kind but he is not at all ROMANTIC
NEVE says anything romantic
AVOIDS emotioanl connention of that nature compeltely

ABSOLUTELY EMOOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE at that level

YEs I recognize the emotional unavailabilty of the man who wants the friendship but seems to not know what he wants as far as deeper connection

seems he is looking for that fairytale perfect person that is non existant

It is moreso his intentiaonlity of SEPARATEING phsucal sec from actial attachment! Its like he wants to INTENTIONALLY BE OPPOSITE OF DEMISEXUAL

and want to hedonistically enjoy sex for sex's sake

and likes me for my sex positivity
and I like him for everthing ELSE ABOUT HIM not the sex but all the ACTUAL SHARED INTERESTS

Like I just VALUE SEX Less than the relationship

For me sex is either ICING on the cake of a well baked relationship
OR it is just the icing which sometimes I can eat out of the can!! (HA HA not as good as the hommeade specially made from scratch with real butter for a homemade well baked cake BUT YOU KNOW I like sugar, so sometimes still enojy it!)

I don't know why but for some reason when I am in an actual REALTIONSHIP I get uncomfortable when objectivied!

Maybe it is a dysfucntion in me.

The same problem of the old Catholic guilt? Why can sex be GREAT outside of a realationship

but then harder when in one?

Something about my expecations
the cake best be pefect before iced?

So when there is a cake I expect too much?

but I can go cheap and fast

and fully enjoy when not the super valuable thing?

I put more value on the reltionhip and if in one that deepens then I want it to be one that acknowleges The SHARED LOVE is there.

*different from commitment

I need to know there is REAL LOVE

and I don't care a whip about commitment. Just know am PERSONALLY CARED FOR AND LOVED
and for all the other guy saying it is only sex I AM SORRY THE BODY DOESN"T LIE

our deep conversations don't lie-
they are so real
have always been
the chemistry that was always palably there does not lie
HIS EYES do not lie
our bodies response to each other does not lie

*Maybe I am demisexual and maybe the fact sex is good with the other lover is there is this unspoken realness of it. And for some reason I don't question it.

MAYBE for me it is EASY when there is CLARITY of a choice of the non relationship.
YEAH My own emotional unvailability by CHOICE
CHOICE of a non relationship
when it is crystal clear there is love.

I mean for many who fall in love they can even name the fucking moment of the shift. FUCK I remember that moment with young lover. And it was fucking years ago. I mean I can still envision and recall and yeah interestingly I have said I don't think in images but I can SEE that moment.

But it is this CUSP of possibily of conjoinign what as been just the fun sexual experiene in context of friendship with an actual deeper relationship which both
REPELS the guy I am seeing in DC and FRUSTRATES me as in the end that is gettiong CLOSE to what I REALLY WANT

but falls short cause we have not had that experience.
No we have never fallen in love

so he always pulls back for his reasons.

and that might be the reason

but he won't every SAY IT
OWN IT

nor I guess have I

I can accept rejection and it is what it is.

I give rejection and it is what it is equally

I have that same issue.

SIGH
But for us it is like this copacetic IT IS WHAT IT IS
but lets not talk about it.

I mean the Buffalo guy and I ALWAYS Talked about it. There is something SO FREEING To be able to say YES I DO LOVE YOU with such authenticity and comfort and deep connection

EVEN when choosing not to have the realtionship deeper into more commitment and EVEN WHEN happy for the other to find that in their world one has chosen not to enter or change or destroy in the rebirth of somethign new together.
SEE any birth is the death of what was before
and some don't want to go through that process of letting go, They cling,,,to their self,

OK DC Guy called and I told him of the bed bugs
I am releived that he wants me to come still. I had to be sure he is not uncomfortable and if I want deepened realtionship I have to be authenitc and let someone see and be in my world. I have to at least have the open communication and invitation.
GOES BOTH WAYS

He was great about it. If he were not ok with me coming I would get it
but bed bugs don't travel on persons

And I will change out of these clothes wearing in fact can bag these and put on FRESH CLEAN

after wash the ones bringing now to the laundromat.

THAT Is reasonable what I can get done Nor mitigation of spreading elsewhere. NO MORE TRAVELERS.

NEXT TO DO so I don't forget will capture this last thing then leave.

3. ORDER MORE TRAPS

put them in the living room, car , kitchen HELL Everywhere just to be sure know the scope of the problem.

* SURE the exterminator will test too. BUT IF I see NOTHING in the living room then maybe no worry about BASEMENT where my tenant lives.

BUT MIGHT also have to worry about the VENTS

The fuckers of the dust mites- and small visible black fleas DEFINATELY COME OUT OF THE VENT IN MY BATHROOM CEILING.

When I clean my bathroom and it is pristine, and clean the ceiling vent fan and the vent
I STILL Have dust and what not kick up and SEE those buggers land from the ceiling to my bathroom white counter. I see the damn things!

So there is some issue in the VENTING system.

4. ORDER A MATRESS COVER FOR EACH MATTRESS

OK taking off and settting of the bed bug bomb in my room. Can't hurt I suppose.

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