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2023-02-20 - 1:08 p.m.

I hustled and got my whole house cleaned. It felt so great to get done!
unfortunately when cleaning the bathroom of the young adults,
I used Comet to scrub the tub and walls of shower. Then there was still some signs of black mold on the molding area of the tub. Their tub had a ring needing cleaning- that build up of soap scum etc.. and it took some scrubbing. Other than that it was not TOO BAD At least no mold elsewhere. I have seen far worse in batchelor pads to be honest over the years! BUT I wanted of course to kick that mold too-
so since the Comet did not do it, I pulled out a specific MOLD cleaner that I bought way back when my fridge broke and in trying to fix it unearthed some black mold in the back under its panel.

OOPS I did the DUMB thing of NOT reading the label. Apparently I also had not fully rinsed all that comet away

and basically created mustard gas ( or some toxic fume) similar

In the bathroom that has a broken fan ( so poor ventilation)

I did open bedroom windows of the nearby bedrooms in hope of air ciculation- but not until AFTER I had sprayed the tub perimeter.

I did not think I lingered too long. I mean I left, let it sit to do its thing, Then came back and rinsed

BUT it was making me cough and stunk

AND afterwards I was having breathing constriction, a bit of asthma ( not bad- not excessive and I am used to that so again I was not thinking much of it)
but then also felt irritation in my throat
and feels like I really got a good blast of toxic fumes inadvertadly

NOT reading the label and thining that through

and this is a PSA to freaking READ your CLEANING LABELS to know the chemical compouds.


I heard a quote, or rather read a quote on line- ah just recalled where, a Tweet from an self proclaimed ADHD twitter user who discussed ADHD that read "I know what I should do but don't do it; and I know what I should not do and do it." YUP some are more challenged with that pattern in life than others with ADHD but it still resonates with ALL who have ADHD. (We all know procrastination at the very least.)

I was careless and on a mission and just on a roll and kept going without thinking. I also had rinsed the Comet- I mean I wasn't MIXING chemicals with intention. But using one after the other is enough of a risk of mixture of them. I mean I suppose I was not fastidious in the rinsing (that would make a difference).

I also was rushing as trying to get it done and be ready on time for a planned date ( Re-planned really. I was going to head to my guy friend's new apt on Friday to enjoy the whole weekend. Kink in the plans so then was meeting him for dinner Sat instead.)

I mean he did want to eat dinner at a reasonable hour!

It was quite a day. I had stayed up til 4:30AM to pull all the laundry and get it all in the car.
So I reallly wanted to get it done so as to not have to drive with the car loaded down with not only laundry but also about 6 bags full of other clothes that had been in the hall. When going through the clothes from my son one kid wanted to keep many of them but never pulled the equivalent out of room to give away. There is not enough storage in that small room for the clothes that kid now has. They HAVE to downsize and are quite willing to but it is just a process of doing what they can a little at a time. They of course can bag up some for storage in the attic to be pulled out seasonally, or for a wardrobe refresh. I am advising picking just what they want to wear to minimize ease of organization and care of self and their space. It discourages laundry from piling up and keeps environment cleaner and more organized if don't have too many options! Then you HAVE to do laundry more often which is a good thing!
The kid finally got the storage drawers that go under their bed ( which were in the basement in siblings room that went off to college) - OUT of my living room and out of the hall upstairs and finally under their bed. They started cleaning their room and organizing but it is a work in progress.

I did call and was pleased my guy was agreeable to me arriving at 8pm rather than 6pm. That was what I needed to get it done.

I had been about to leave when my dog actually go ATTACKED by a neighbor's dog!!

It was quite startling to hear Bellatrix screeching and hear the neighbor's dog that had come lunging at her and was attached to her as I ran outside. Bellatrix had been tied up on the front porch as it was sunny day and that is one of her favorite spots.
The dog is a little Alpha female who gets agressive with other small female dogs. She had run out of the car she was in and her owner did not have her leashed and did not mean for her to get out. She was going to leash her and take her out. But the little demon dog saw Bellatrix and was on her in no time.

So I brought her in and consolded her and felt her coat and saw no blood and thought she was just startled and traumatized. I sat and cuddled then did a little bit of care for her in brushing her teeth. I thought if there was any laceration I did not see I did not want her to possibly have any small open sore I could not see and have her lick it clean with a bacteria filled dirty mouth.
I cuddled with her a while. Then she seemed to just want to rest in her safe spot- her little bed in the carrier that is in her play pen area. Whenever she does not feel well or gets scared she likes that- her safe place, just like a kid likes to have the safety of their own bedroom.

Obviously care of her took priority so my schedule off.
I considered cancelling my dinner date, but I decided I would head out to get the laundry and then go out for dinner if she seemed Ok. My sweet tenant had been sick and out of pocket resting for days. She felt a bit better and said she didn't mind Bellatrix hanging with her and she in fact was surprised I had not left the day before. She said the dog could come down with her so I went to get the laundry done.

I came back from the laundomat and both tenant and dog were alsleep in the basement. I have a strict philosophy of letting sleepers rest! ESPECIALLY if they don't feel well!! At that point it was clear they were down for the night!

So I went off and got there just after 8 ( 8:10 precisely!) A bit of confusion on my part of how I was supposed to get into the garage. I forgot my guy said something about pulling over on the side street... oh yeah I think it came back to me NOW which is funny now that I think about it. That evening I had no thought of anything other than showing up and driving in his parking garage and parking but of course there is gatekeeper for safety of residents- and the garage has a key card access point. I didn't really think about that and when pulled up just announced myself to the guy who answered and said I was a guest , named my friend and asked if I could be let in as my friend said use his parking spot. I got buzzed in. Of couse I had not realized then that I didn't REALLY know where his spot is. I THOUGHT I did but when I drove where I thought it was- well the car marker (ugly car next to his) Was not there. (I mean another car a bad marker cause you know that person might want to drive somewhere sometime when I arrive!)

But all the levels looked the same, and then I finally figured just grab any spot, go in and can move the car after meeting my friend and finding out HIS actual spot.

I then realized can't GET INTO the apt complex from the garage without a key card ( OF COURSE)

I just did not really notice all those details when I was not the one driving on the one occassion prior being there when assisting with the move of his things the day he moved in. The last time I saw him was that weekend when helped him, along with his bestie who joined us the next day for the final stretch of moving stuff, cleaning out the old fridge etc. She had been helping him for days prior to my help that final day of the move.

OH yeah I now recall that in a split second of paranoia I had not trusting why there was seeming micromanaging of the details of how I get there and park... HA HA


Understand those thoughts happen so quickly for me
then I dismiss them as really good at recognizing the unhealthy bizarre MOMENTS of paranoia. (Total aside here, and this is most often recognized when seen as more exteme versions of thinking with lack of being in touch with reality but honesty paranoid thinking if leads one to actually believe a non reality- is a form of pyscosis, or CAN BE... just really a matter of the degree! I MEAN Or a matter of degree may in fact be the issue which gives it the label. BUT even if don't have a break from reality oneself- even the thoughts are concerning enough. This just goes along with my theory mental illness is REALLY COMMON but not recognized until chronic. I swear many deal with low level of tiny moments and push through them.
They just don't DOCUMENT and share them with others! I feel like capturing my reality of the unhealthy thoughts might someday help someone else understand that you need not FEAR mental illness. I mean think of all those amazing folks who have changed the world that are mentally ill or were! MANY ARE MY HEROS! SO in aside this is an interesting article: So yeah I track even the thoughts that however nonsensical were rooted in paranoia. YES a clear bi polar symptom. Just stinks when postulating that perhaps just was PTSD moment in the past that cause the clear psycosis moment of actually hearling things- that the paranoia is obviousy a symptom that is still fully present EVEN IF only for small moments; even if I don't have ANY break from reality and EVEN if I know it is not true but just a thought that is manifestation of an illness. So yeah that fact it happened again in paranoia in a thought- even if only a split second or minute or two, is enough to think, OK so I accept bipolar diagnosis and the WHAT IF just PTSD doesn't really resonate with me. (I mean CPTSD sure- ongoing- but at some point it just makes one bi-polar right? The label makes no difference. Treatment same? )
* So even though that paranoid moment was generated by trigger of this nice guy just being helpful to give me assistance in getting into the garage I accept it as a bipolar moment; but ALSO a CPTSD moment as any time a white cis man is micromanaging me in the slightest it likely hits me in my BODY as a reminder of the man in my life who was my abuser that started off the relationship with similar "care". The thoughtful taking care of little things is a precursor to abuse IN AN ABUSER. YET a healthy man may also want to thoughtfully take care of little things for a woman he loves and it can be a challenge to distingish between a healthy caring for the other and an unhealthy caring for the other.

It makes sense upon hindsight ( honestly in the moment of driving into the garage I had forgotten about the small moment of paranoia after he had been very detailed on the phone about where to go... I mean he gets very detailed and give instructions and I get triggered if they are unnecessary and could be evidence of a controller's mind at work EVEN THOUGH that is not necessarily the case.. I didn't think about it again after experiencing and capturing it until now)
BUT upon hindsight I now see why he was so detailed. He was well aware I needed a key card. I think I just forgot and did not hear that. Never processed all the details of how to get into the garage!

SO there I was stuck. He of couse met me and we came back out to move the car to his actual spot.

AND he tends to ACTUALLY be controlling at times... not intentionally... but there are moments, triggered by his own anxiety and a bit of perfectionism, a bit of OCD TYPE behavior I know well...have seen in others. Not a big red flag as it all depends on how one manages it, but yet there are some small red flags.
SMALL Moments..they don't trigger me when happen with him most often but on that occassion of him telling me where to park etc... I mean I called really to ask if I could just meet him later. I said "I don't want to go to the laundomat and be late, so once I had no ability to figure out which was his spot ( I totally forgot even though had been there) I think I just stopped processing all he was saying as he was kinda micromanaging my plans of how I use my time between then and the NOW agreed upon 8pm meeting time.

**AH Shit I just had a BLIP of what looked like a screen capture. I am NOT working.

I did a bit earlier but I did not log off their system. I also just got a NEW computer to set up for work use exclusively

This is my business computer. My personal one died. I own my own company and so for this work for my clients am not on their systems. I am not doing anything on anything other than MY TIME HERE on my computer

BUT I did log into their sharepoint and I suppose I should have been careful to log out and NOT monitor their email while taking the break to jounal and talk of my dog.

CAUSE if for some reason they have tech to take screen capture of every device on their network

Well not only am I not masking I am not fully disclosing detail of my own mental illness.

I know what a sceen capture looks like.

That should be only happening on MY DEVICE when I initiate it.
OR When logged into a company system upon which I signed consent to monitoring when using it. AND if logged in then fair game.

I should know better.

TOO LATE for today!

Sloppy on my part. And I am never sloppy when on OTHER's systems

It is a sharepoint. I have nothing on this machine anyone could access of OTHER PEOPLES info.

I don't save files on my machine.

OK just a distraction and hope that is not what the BLINK Of my screen was. (I know better... but can pretend it was just some random flash of my screen ane not important.)
either folks trust me and keep giving me work. I can't control their impression, only can do the best job I can and be concientious.

AND next time close ALL OTHER WINDOWS before I journal! Journaling BEFORE Work is the BETTER practice than working and taking a break to then journal.

** Back to my story of the weekend

SO I was happy guy agreed to 8pm date rather than 6pm and pleased I could then proceed with plan to go to the laundromat after my dog seemed OK ( in the moment she seemed OK! She had calmed down was wagging tail happily and relaxed.) In the conversation he made suggestions I agreed to, thinking they sounded like a good plan but immidately hung up and realized hell, I DID have enough time to get it done and that was going to serve me best to just go wash the clothes then fold them them later. He reminds me of the Buffalo guy in planning. I can't just say "Can I meet you at 8 instead of 6" but have a converation. I am agreeable. I make a plan. But the thing is ultimately what mattters is I am on time as agreed. So as soon as got off the phone I realized the plan I agreed to ( as my plan was not being well recieved) about how to use my time before the date was not going to serve me but the agreeing to the plan discussed DID serve the purpose of my DATE not being anxious.
So I got off the phone and headed to the laundromat happy to have bought time to be able to get it done and meet the guy later.

So I did leave, go to do laundry and got back home JUST in time to unload it and leave. Bellatrix did not respond when I called to her to take her on one last evening walk. She was sleeping, so was tenant. ( I think I should call her Bella from now on here. Bellatrix is longer to type!)

So I left knowing my tenant likes her company and said that was OK and knowing that she would go outback with her ( which is her routine! I typically give an evening longer walk, my tenant also likes to go outside for a bit so sometimes the dog does go our twice each evening.) So I figured- keep my date.

We did have a really lovely eveing. Walked to a nice Italian restaraunt and frankly I had one of the most delicous meals in ages. I ordered a mushroom nocci and I tell you when I read the description I just knew the sauce would be a work of art. I was not disappointed ! It was EXQUISITE Flavor with truffle oil over mushrooms. ( I did not know variety but delicious. I forgot to ask. Not morills, those are not yet in season... but lovely brown mushrooms. Certainly not button or the standard grocery store variety.)

This detail is actually important!

Because it was after I left and was driving, I mean once I SLOWED DOWN my body ( driving I was sitting and not in constant motion which I had been in upon waking!), I was more aware of the discomfort in my body - the constriction of my breathing a bit. I had used my inhaler before I left ( yeah the expired one. I used it heavily just in case it had reduced effectiveness and that helped).
I was bummed I could not find the newer one. (Was here but MIA. In a bag , purse or coat somewhere.)
Well the one expired in 2015 better than nothing. I noticed also a , hard to describe but discomfort in my throat, soreness, scrathiness.

I thought about it and realized MILK is what you are supposed to drink if exposed to acidic chemical burn so I recalled.
I had eaten an ice cream bar I had in the freezer earlier.

So we went to dinner and I afterward I had some stomach pains. I thought at first it was gas pains ( maybe it was) from the delicious papusa I ordered from the place next to the laundromat. After wash is in being cleaned I ordered the papusa then went to move the laundry to the dryer and came back to eat it while the laundry dried. Timed it just PERFECT.I am still just blown away that I can get a delicious homemade papusa with a beverage for $4.50! And that they don't ask for tips or have a spot on the recipt for tips. The same lady is there all the time. I will make a point to take out cash one of these days and just hand her a $20 for the past times I came as she should be tipped I think even if it is counter service. She also brings it to the table for us when we have sat . (With kids with me its about $12 total Crazy! SO happy there is some place that is providing good food for people who are poor! Seriously they service the working poor Latino immigrant community mostly but that is where the best laundromat is in the area so I choose to go there, and for the Papusas! Heck they have my business now on account of that. It was the family time to go out and get something to eat when we did laundry. Heck some families eat out often but in mine we did on the laundry days! When younger the good NY Pizzaria near a differnt laundromat was the top choice because they also had cannolis.

I took an antiacid and the stomach pains did diminish. ( They were gastrointestinal and I think too soon AFTER eating- I mean they started actually when IN the restarunat just after eating.)

After the meal I also enjoyed a cannolli.

So I realized in hindsight when doing research that the pains were not necessarily from the beans in the papusa at 5pm. (Never had pains from that food before) BUT that after exposure to mustard gas or the other gasses that are created when bleach is mixed with an acid, one will get stomach and gastrointestinal pains along with the other symptoms I had for medium exposer within 12 to 24 hrs.

My vocal cords also at first were affected and I was worried that there was some damage and I hoped not- I mean I like to sing!

I do think the fact I picked a cream sauce with mushrooms was great! In hindsight mushrooms do have a known benefit of kicking in the immune system. They are really healthy. They are thought to promote healing. Not sure if true but hey if it is true that can't have hurt! So figure good choice. I did not drink milk but the cream sauce could not hurt, right?

I am feeling Ok. Just a bit of rawness still in the back of my thoat from the chemical burn
and there is still this feeling of congestion in my lungs. That was the other symptom- not just asthma feeling but congestion.

So essentially I posioned myself.

So yeah that takes the cake not only of ADHD Moment of the week but perhaps decade. I mean really bad ADHD moment!!

Futher reading explained that the lungs can get fluid in them after such exposure. I am feeling ok so paying attention. If I feel like this congestion gets worse and is not getting better I would go see a Dr. If it were emergency I would go to the ER but it is obviously not very acute as doing fine.

So no ER
They really can't do anything ( unless they detoxed right away but for BREATHING as opposed to ingesting it is not really helpful to do anythign like empty contents of stomach like they do for ingestion). Can't really detox from breathing!
I do have activated charcoal on hand and that should pull impurities and toxins out of my body so since last night after reading about this and remembering I have it ( Too bad did not think of it on Sat), I started to take some of that.

I just drank TONS of water Saturday night. I did not know that water can activate the chemicals! (HA that is why they say drink milk). I had Oat Milk at home, ingredients are water and second ingredient CALCIUM ( some form) so I have been drinking that as well and tea with lots of honey for my throat.
I also had a Dr. Appointment already scheduled for myself for Wed morning. So I will be seeing my doctor soon anyway.

Bella however has been lethargic, sleeping alot and no herself. So in looking her over really carefully when I got home I discovered scabbing over. Although hard to see, could feel the texture change of her skin under her fur to discover she had been bitten!

There is a large laceration of what looks like a puncture then bite down her left side - a two inch line, and then punctures below.
So she was gotten good when she was attacked!!

No wonder she is skittish! She likely is also in pain.
Yesterday she did seem to be doing OK and wanted to go for a walk. She was favoring that leg and it did not seem that bad and it was beauful out so I did take her for a walk. She is eating and went to the bathroom as usual. I did get canned dog food which she likes better than the dry to encourage her to eat which helped.

I called to make a vet appointment for her so she can get checked out as well as get an antibiotic.I called at 9AM but the walk in appointments for the day were gone; however they had a cancellation for Wed at noon so will get her in then which should be OK. I mean she has done OK since Sat resting and healing so figure will be OK a couple more and then can get an antibiotic and be sure maybe pain relief meds too.

I just could not consider going to the Animal Hospital! I know that is out of budget. If she were screaming in pain and in clear misery that choice might be different but yesterday she had gone for a walk and was perky and acted pretty normal but for the bit of favoring that leg and being obviuosly nervous as one would be after an attack! I had not yet found the laceration and punctures under her skin! I think it did not bleed much so was hard to detect until it scabbed over and then could feel the texture change with a bit of matting where it did bleed a tiny bit. I washed her with soap and water and applied neosporin on the wounds. So today I just brought her out to go to the bathroom and she did sit on the lawn a bit to get some sun but nixing the walk obviously! She needs to rest and be still to heal and hopefully there is a good report on Wednesday when the vet sees her in office.
I have a med to give her before her regular checks up so will call back to consult with htem to see if they want me to give that to her of if they need her to NOT have that in her system so they can check her responsiveness ( without medication) when they evaluate her. It was prescibed for her next annual when she gets all her shots updated as she is always scared and tries to bite at the vet herself at times when they try to cut her nails. They get it done but she is not happy and it stressed her so last time they gave me trazadone to give her a small amount to calm her. I have to look it up and will call to find out what they say about it, if to give it to her or not, She is sitting here in my lap as I type. I was typing but stopped to pick her up after she emrged from her safe spot of her littel bed. She is cuddled close and we are in a rocking chair I rocked her a bit after we went outside for her to go to the bathroom. I would have taken her to the back yard but she went over to the front door and started to poop there on the tile- and I picked her up like did when a little pup being trained and carried her to the lawn. A dog did walk by and she wallked toward it barking and I brought her inside. Her heart rate was up , beating fast , so she obviously was stressed and scared. So we rocked and she relaxed and I have just been sitting her- put my feet up and the laptop. is on my knees while she is on my lap. She is so mall I can type without her being disturbed. I am just going to sit her with her a while now that done writing. Maybe have the teen hand me the novel I got at the library when went here to pick up "Blind Date with a book" for Valentines' Day for us all. One kid got the Handmaid's tale, another got a romance novel about a teen with a disabilitu of being in a bubble due to allergy to LITERALLY Everything ( funny as that teen happens to be allergic to much. These books were wrapped so I did not pick them and I got The Book Thief. I am going to sit here and be still, to keep her still as long as I can.

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