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2023-02-27 - 10:45 p.m.

Ok

So DC guy is irritated by my interruption when we talk

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-do-life/202101/interrupting-is-more-harmful-than-you-think


I think I am a decent listener overall but maybe not really.

I do get excited and
I know reactive when emotionally responsive about something

He upset me today

So glad he did allow me a few minutes to talk to him tonight just a couple minutes so I could tell him what upset me.

I think he was/ is emotionally distancing and he likely has has need to discuss our relationship

Maybe it is simply a choice he had to make. As to work through the frustration or not

Whether worth it or not

I basically asked. ARE YOU EVEN ATTACHED to me at all? Any sense of attachment?

Or is this open. All open. Without actual concern for actual relationship?

That was my question

I think I listen and hear his concerns

I mean he acted hurt like he feels like he is disregarded

Disrespected
Not listened to

Article found good for me to read as yeah its a bad habit

I should use a clicker

To count how often I do it

I do the typical guy thing of making suggestions to help someone fix their problems rather than just fucking listen . Guys do that more often than girls I think, hear a problem and want to solve it. Active listening is impossible if you think you have to provide a solution, an action plan and sure it comes off as bossy and egotistical, condescending....and irritating

Sure it is designed to help the other person feel a sense of control themself. To try to quell their anxiety
But it's not for me to try to eliminate anxiety of another

And likely done by me as I dont want to sit with their anxiety

I am trying to avoid that feeling

I don't want to be anxious

And if the other person is anxious so am I unless I feel like I gave the other person some resolution to their anxiety
I know that is the faulty logic of an impulsively
Instinctive response to try to fix it!
Because I am being anxiety avoidant


And the irony is my suggestions I think in the moment are supportive or helpful to this guy are triggers ...
Cause he hates the interruption ( and I think he even feels interrupted some times I don't think is an interruption).

I have to learn to let others sit in discomfort and sit with them whether it is sadness anxiety or anger
Or love


Just be

And give space to the other

And offer presence

Even when it is uncomfortable.

Hmmmm

He did do this thing of changing the topic to focus on my deficiency in communication once I was actuslly communicating my feelings

Thst is interesting to me too. Cause that is a pattern

I don't often GET emotional but got upset sbd wanted to tell him and hash it out.

2nd time I was emotionslly upset ( by his acting disinterested in me frankly. By his lack of concern for my feelings in a small moment so I wanted to tell him how I felt) and he shifted the conversation to our conversation! Shifted it to my interruption. To not really get to the heart of the question but rather a symptom. Honestly how he reacts to me , to my communication style is the symptom of the heart of the matter of how he feels about me, But he has trouble either actually allowing himself to feel deeply ( anxiety with such! Overwealm and not knowing how to handle strong feelings other than escape) so he doesn't even really know how to identify his own feelings in relation to me. Or they are really lukewarm, not deep and without actual attachment which is kinda odd after such time 🤔 I mean after spending years dating someone there should be some depth of atrachment, some ability to love the person you are dating but identify and speak of what kind of love that is without complete avoidance of discussing it ( Friendship? Romantic? Hook up? Short term? Did your feelings change or stay flattened/ or flatline? ) Authentic communication. Should be able to discuss expectations to be sure both on same page with actual honest connection and sharing the good and bad by now other than just planning next fun outing then being emotionally distant if change mind . That shuld not be limited to me only but if actually in relationship I expect some emotional honestly about what else is affecting my relationship with someone. And hell no it is not just my bad habit of interruption. That is avoiding the bigger questions. His shifting to discussing how he feels only in relation to how he reacts in moments when I interrupt - deconstructing how his behavior makes him feel to me is not the same thing as addressing my direct question " Do you have ant attachment to me?" Different question. I delineate how one feels about the relationship with a person as a whole. The raw feelings one has are distinctly different from whether someone's bad points, limitations or deficiencies can be tolerated and accepted by you. Two things going on in every relationship: how you FEEL and then choice of how you ACT- whether to choose to act on those feelings or set boundaries of distance cause it is not a good idea for you to get too close to the other person for some reason.

But his first interruption before I even finished what I was saying was him saying " I don't like the energy of this conversation "🤔

Yeah cause I was upset and talking about feelings...
Which he avoids. And so ironic he interrupted me to try to cut off the actual question by re-focusing the conversation.


So problems I see:

I interrupt
And he is emotionally unavailable and when try to actually talk about how I am feeling
It makes him upset and distance
by criticism of my communication. ( Yes folks that is a form of gaslighting. Expert gaslighting of disregarding the other person's reality. So I have seen him do this more than once now and a mutual friend once said " I felt like he was gaslighting me. But it is XX- He could not have been, right?" I was like "UMMM... wrong..." but of course did not SAY That and- AH I JUST LISTENENED!! I validated my friend's feelings by active listening.) Anyway.... He did this when I wanted to talk about how small moments made me feel! Like any expression of my feelings toward him either good or bad verbally he shuts down and gets uncomfortable. ( When I brought up the date on which he was texting and just not acting PRESENT with me at all- but distracted and chatting with another lady- his response was "If you want us to have this relationship move forward you have to tell me how you feel". It was so funny to me cause it was like-- WTF I am telling you how I feel and you are criticizing me now instead of listening and even validating my feelings?

So again- he brought up interruption, Which is a completely different issue than the topic than the one I was raising so not going to do a bait and switch and discuss that in this moment in this conversation. ( SURE I will listen and hear his concern- BUT honestly, he was tired and did not want to talk and got off the phone so the next time we talk I will FINISH The conversation started , presuming he is not completely avoidant. I mean we can have a compete conversation - he stopped it and I did not even finish what I STARTED To say to him. He never ANSWERED the one question I did pose. But there was more I had wanted to address. I wanted to address ANOTHER bait and switch behaviour he did- but never even got that far.)


"Didn't like the energy of conversation" is such a dismissive thing to say when interrupting and not wanting to listen . Of course cause the energy HE did not like was hearing me say I was upset that something we talked about ( cause he expressed interest in and I supported him in considering it, and then agreed....that activity is irrelevant...ancillary and not the point of my venting here. ... point is he then acted like he was detached and disinterested in persuing something we talked about doing together! It upset me as my agreement was just to support him and in furtherance of our relationship and then he was going to bail on me? Not be involved? What??

We were planning on this thing as a couple

So why would you then try to bail


Deeper issue really is if he wants to be a couple.


Which is why my direct question to the heart of the matter


Any actual attachment?

If not

Just fuck off

And the fact I interrupt is not the real issue

It's the excuse

The real issue is he doesn't communicate of late

And therefore he is not actually interested nor has developed attachment.

He seems just not that into me

Just fucking figure it out and say so.

I mean I get signals he has other irons in the fire. Maybe one is getting 🔥

Maybe that is not the right read and its just he's growing cold toward me

Truth is if he were into me my interruption would be a smaller issue than it is when the honeymoon period of a relationship is over and you hit the next phase of a relationship. It's this phase where you decide to either drop it or go deeper

Now to sleep. So glad I talked to him even a bit as it made me feel much better

And writing helps too of course. Lol as sitting with my feelings would be growth for me And him hearing my feelings and receiving them would be growth for him For us We have some work to do if want deeper more authentic connecting ( Maybe not interrupting can help too.) .

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