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2023-03-02 - 9:21 a.m.

Planning when I can drop my car off for service.

Before I pay off ALL DEBT ( Paid back some to some family) I need to have the car worked on so it lasts as long as possible.

It is possible there is a fixable electical problem caused by the KNOWN KIa bad engines that then run hot and destroy the Cat Coverter ( which I replaced once).

The engine keeps on ticking...

despite everyone else's belief in letting go of broken things, my experience with cars tells me there is wisdom in otherwise.

Honestly even the crappiest car is cheaper long term to keep running AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

I mean until I can afford a self driving car
(YES I would even buy a Tesla- even though its etiology is in part due to a mad man)

There is comfort in not having to worry one bit about the body of my car. It already has its personalization of haceitas
Its unquieness that made it mine.

The whole (more than dent- a bit of puncture) instilled in the left side when backing out of the campus housing where I carefully drove in to accomodate a POTS student moving in using a back stairwell.

SEE we disabled figure out our own accomodations at times and no we don't feel badly about it.

I don't need to have ever have a diagnosis of POTS

and this just brought me a memory of MY move out from college the final year. How I did the same thing then.

When disabled it is not really not understanding boundaries. It is that out of necessity there is a NEED to know when it is just OK to ignore them

and sometimes not the skills to understand how to go about and ASK for the accomodation.

BUT sometimes it is also the wisdom that the ask is a ridiculous process, an entering into the painful humiliation of actual abelist lack of understanding that is often just best avoided.

Oh and in college I also happened to be in charge of the security desks- I mean I did work for campus safety and res life so yeah

my judgement call then to just drive my old Chevy station wagon across the quad and park it near the door closest to my dorm room so could use the closest entrance to move my stuff


I recall a campus officer coming over asking "What are you doing driving on the lawn?"
And then he saw me and I simply explained.

And he was ok- I mean the breaking of the rule freaked him at first ( and it was not obvious- I was finished with college a semester early due to summer and winter session classes so I was literally one of the few moving out that December).

I am reminded of this as I think of the backing out and misjudging the distance to exit and popped the side of my car when trying to then navigate around a protruding metal column-
set there by design to prevent anyone hitting the brick corner of the building.

There is comfort in not having to CARE about the body of the car as long as it's exterior is running fine.

I feel this way about all bodies. As they age they show wear and these signs should be embraced with love of the stories that our bodies tell.

We should have warm feelings instilled by the memories of each scar, or strech mark that resulted from birthing someone or something wonderful into this world.

OF course there are reminders of pain too, but for me they are reminders of how strong we are and how much we overcome.

I don't judge those who feel the need to correct every imperfection. I just don't understand them.

All this spilled forth as I was contemplating driving to drop off my car and work in tow then take the bus back and navigate this weekend and early next week on bike and foot and bus as needed ( however long it takes).

I had actually stopped in and told them I was going to bring my car in but never did as did not have the MONEY To pay the mechanic so realized after I paid bills had to hold off ( months ago).
Now I can navigate that.

BUT... there is a drum circle in the next upcoming days. It is only once a month. I made plans with my one friend ( who I usually walk with or go have coffee tea with) to go to this. She inquired if I would like to go to a drum circle as she thought is might be something she can do with her autistic adult son who is our companion , her companion, everywhere she goes ( and everywhere I accompany her).

I need to call her and see if she and son are still up for it. Even if they are not, I think I will wait to bring the car in until after the weekend and then hunker down at home after I take a couple day trips-
one not far for the drumming. Feels like that would be perfect for me just now. (And it is local not having to go to D.C. Not same as the DC drumming experience but still lovely. Just its own thing.

Will call her and figure it out.
I also REALLY want to have one Artist's Date for self. I really want to go to the movies.
Alone truth be told but if there were company that enjoy it as much as me that would be nice to.
I don't really have interest in wasting time with someone if I would have a better time alone truth be told.
I want to go see the film and really be able to process it.
I get talkative when excited. I don't really want to spend time with anyone who finds my talkativeness or my interruption irritating.
I know it does not irritate EVERYONE
So prefer to just hang alone than be an annoying irritant or have someone feel triggered by me.

So be it.

So although I first thought of inviting my guy friend out to treat him mainly to try to cheer him up ( I was going to suggest a different movie another I have interst in but not the actual documentary on my bucket list. I just picked one more uplifting in my mind that he might find joy in and get out of his own head)
the irony is

I really wanted to go see this particular documentary

All the Beauty and the Bloodshed
and wouldn't you know it BOTH movies I looked up are at art houses.

I mean both happen to be playing in his freaking neck of the woods.


I mean when he did not want my company it just felt that when I then wanted to go off on my OWN to watch a film ironic I would be heading to the same darn area.

But I got over the irony of that.
But still decided not to go out that night. I was tired. The movie I want to see started at 8:30 pm.
Curled up with my book instead.

Oh so here is the movie

I kinda wish to be honest I could get the young lover to go. I mean just cause then he would likely TALK and I would likely LISTEN and that would be just PERFECT.

He does do that.
and then
the thing is when I respond he LISTENS
he does not find me irritating as we don't spend much time together

But also I think he would GET IT

I mean there is the simple fact of him being an artist. A photographer
a musician
and his arty friends
who he watched all too many of die....

I mean he lived the horrors and also the beauty

so he would get it.
and then go home
without this pretense of pretending to want a relationship

That is the part I find annoying

I feel like the DC guy has never been that into me so not sure why he ever talked of doing things as a couple and ever used the word relationship ( which he did at times ok even if ambivantly)

HE is ambivalent.

I know that.

So the pretense and acting like want a relationship

I mean the wanting me to come spend all weekend with him on occassions
and acting like it was important I got there early to maximize time and acting like he wanted me in his new apt the night he moved in
and coming her on Christmas

I mean all things you don't do with a hook up
or friends with benefits

the dating

I feel like he is all over the place

Infatuated with a new person every month or so ( that is not me) and wanting the back pocket person as a back up plan.

Just not into being a back up plan. I mean when someone ACTS like you are second fiddle
and starts to act IRRITATED by my presence.

That is the thing I realize. I am fine with non committal and non monogomous and non attached relationships that are TEMPORARY

AS LONG AS IT IS CLEAR and the person is fully present and truly able to be engaged and not act like they are in pain and feeling contrained.

He acts like this non commitment is some burden on him.

Its very odd.

I am not down for that.
I want to try to be a friend and offer support and companionship and comfort when he is down and seems could need a friend
and those are the times he is not wanting my company.

So clearly this is not working for any kind of possible relationship ( other than a get close than distance one.)

Its just disappointing cause unlike the young lover where it is a very clear boundary of get together for a fling once in a while

This DC guy acts like we have an actual friendship but then he distances

That is ok
I don't talk to all my friends (or rather ANY OF THEM) often. I mean my friend conversation interactions are perhaps conversation every three weeks at best to be quite honest.

I mean that is about the most often I connect with friends. Occassionally every two weeks? If they are local or if we work together in same orbit?

I mean at MOST a real conversation every other week.

I am just not that social.


So for me it is NORMAL to not want to interact and even converse all the time with a lover or a date

I mean the exceptions have been boyfriends but that was frankly cause some of them initiated conversation much more often.
I mean some daily

If they did not do that I am positive I would not have. It is just not in my NATURE.


which is why HELL NO a guy that NEEDS to hear from me constantly is not one for me.

I mean I would frustrate the hell out of a guy who needs greater connection ( and as learned with ART also greater physical initmacy. Hell no a guy who wants to have sex EVERY DAY.. NO just no... I mean unless we were living together. That's fine then-- but I need to be HOME in my OWN SPACE and dealing with my OWN family needs so Hell no to even dating a guy who has a need to see me more often than I can handle.)


I know this about myself. So I know it is ME that attracts emotionally unavailable men; cause I am pretty unavailable myself.

Even if not emotionally unavailable , I am PHYSICALLY unavailable and also just not emotionally NEEDY of more interaction.

YET despite that it HURTS when someone acts like my desire for connection (which honeslty is not overwealming by any stretch) is too much!


You are acting like you need distance from me?? From me who is pretty busy and not exactly full of energy and not exactly able to be available all the time (Ok much of the time.)


Yeah that is just weird.
I don't feel high energy. I mean I know someone once said my energy was alot

I don't feel like that is the case. Maybe when YOUNGER

Hell not now.

I am TIRED now.

OK breakfast done. Morning pages done (sorta... supposed to write longhand. I WAS going to WRite ONE thing then work!!) walk was first thing this AM. Bella is recovering very well from the dog bite. She is still a bit nervous.

Things on my wish list if land a good paying job:

1. Dental care for Bella Visit doggy dentist
2. Play group at the dog trainer we went to. Socializing and reminders of good dog training techniques would be helpful I think. I think the doggy psycologist ( for lack of better word. She is trained in positive behaviorial animal therapy), can give some tips for overcoming anxiety after this recent bite.
Bella was bit as a puppy and overcame that rather well.

She is eagar to play with kids still. She seemed more nervous when we greeted other dogs this week. She is barking and reactive a bit more I think on walks when I have to say "leave it" as we see other dogs. We used to be able to go play with the other dogs a bit more without me worrying how to read her barks. The problem now is ME as I don't know how to read her signals so I need help of the expert so I don't coddle her and pull her away from what would be really healthy good interactions to overcome her fear.

Heck the only way one overcomes fear is to do the thing afraid of. That is the only way to re-write the story that is in one's head. ( I mean common sense some things are to be feared... like freaking hard drugs..Don't try to re-write and invalidate the good common sense cause being oppositionally defiant and don't want to listen to others. That is just STUPID. Get fucking adderall or starttera or whatever to help ADHD and ODD before being STUPID and killing self. I swear untreated simple ADHD and ODD had killed more people with stupid decisions to use than anything else. No all the stupid marketing in the world was not THE CAUSE of someones stubborn need to do the opposite. Sure the marketing and profit mongering capitalized on this weakness.. and the whole glorification of counter culture.... but really when it comes down to it is was the DUMB impulsivity of a moment. Ironic as for some it was wanting to fit in and NOT being strong to buck the social group in the moment. The counter culture microcosm that is suppose to find idnetity in bucking the system then acts like sheep together in their bad choices. All kinds of dumb)

OK maybe bad idea to think would want to see that movie with someone who watched friends make bad choices and went to far too many funerals for peers. I swear the shit on streets in recent years killed way more than the shit of the 60s-80s....

I am just glad I know nothing of that world other than the periphary. Never saw it and am grateful never will

BUT I REALLY WANT TO SEE The movie to see how the artist Nan Goldin and friends did take on the Sackler family who profited over the illness of addiction that they nurtured.

I mean creating addicts when know the risks is as evil as it gets. I want to see her art and her world and how the artists overcame their demons to attack the bigger demons of our world.

Maybe it would be healing for my friend.

That is not happening. Just my dream of companionship.with someone who would "Get it" ...
We all want that. Fundamentally someone who undersatnds US and one metric is if they understand things in this world at times the same way we do. But that is not the best way to measure value of a relationship. It is really in our differences that we are enhanced and grow! In our distinct unique differences we are completed.


It is supposed to be my Artist's Date anyway. I picked this movie for me.


I also hooked up with him on my Artist's Date. Seriously it was the day of my Artist's Date. I was supposed to go out ALONE. Not meet him.

There is a lesson there for me. I mean really.

So to my work. I am happy valuable work came in today. It is meaningful work. It is cool stuff that actually makes our world a better place.

That is why I wanted to curate my own clients.
I have a couple who are doing very cool things in this world making the world a better place.

NDAs etc...
but can say this much.

When curating work I literlly prioritize

What are the most pressing issues and what are the things I am passionate about and how can I find work supporting those interests?

I can say this.

The work I have found DOES support my passions and interests. It is doing some of the most important work I think at this time in our world.

*If only it were more than a few hours a week that I could find such work that also pays enough to support my household. Cest la vie.... providing housing is important, right? So renting my basement too counts as such important work.

That is the way I look at it for now.

What more imporant work than opening and creating a home for someone who needs one?


EVEN when I need my alone time in my own home. HA HA

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