2023-03-08 - 2:10 p.m.

I am delighted with the work that does come in from clients.

BUT I just need a bit more of it. The one client indicated they would ramp up with more...
I mean a bunch of TAs , which hopefully manifests BEFORE any job offer for something I might feel compelled to take.

Honestly , it would be hard to turn down additional work when looking at budget and running numbers.

What I really need to do is the business development for my own company to curate a few more clients I think that are doing work directly aligned with my own values.

That was the POINT of starting the company.

I was sick of working for folks that are sexist, racist. abelist...

and they are the ones MASKING themselves but then their true colors come through and I watch them say and do things that are

sexist, or racist, or abelist

and you know sometimes I can let it go if I am the only victim

BUT the minute I see SOMEONE ELSE suffering under such

Fuck

My resiliance and MY TOLERENCE for their lack of respect of others kicks in hard and I can't remain silent.

That is the interesting thing.

Nothing angers me as much as seeing someone ELSE mistreated.

I think it is because with my ADHD I am often oblivious when I am subject to microinequitites-
until they are overt.

Anyway... I have work to do . But before that I needed to pay some bills, including sending loan repayment to family.

I did pay off one credit card. I just couldn'thelp it. I mean I can't keep paying high interest on that one I forgot or couldn't pay some month so the interest rate hiked up. I just felt compelled to pay that one off (It was a couple thousand- from the tax return), and now have to plan a monthly pay back plan for one family I could have PIF.

I paid of the loan to the education lawyer so figure I should be able to figure out a budget to incorporate a monthly payment to that family ( until income increases and can pay more).

Now a few lingering medical co pays to take care of but not much.

One larger credit card debt remains ( about 7K), a few medical bills and family debt of 4k ( down from 8K).

So about 11K in debt.

I am sure I can pay that off this year. I have to increase income to meet all expenses and make 10 K more. So basically about 20K more than made last year. That is a REASONABLE amount that I can make.

That number is in fact EXACTLY What I was making when worked 20 hrs a week in the role I had,

I mean I had figured out what I needed when job hunted and found that particular job to faciliate meeting all the bills AND taking kids to all the myraid specialiists.

So that is a reminder that if look with particularity and DO THE WORK To find opportunity and keep DOING GOOD WORK
the goals you set can be met.

My thoughts are on this today as I said yes to being submitted to a role. BUT I also realize I am SO PLEASED with the actual WORK and SPACES My two clients work in...
I mean they really are meeting ideals.

I feel like if somehow I could add ONE or TWO MORE CLIENTS focused on a couple other social justice areas in ways that are meaningful yet in the market allowing a way for folks to also earn a living ( disabled advocacy for instance!) ....well then I would make the money I need and my work would be completely aligned with my vision and values of where I want my labor to be invested, where I want to CHOOSE To spend my time.

I felt like I needed to take time to get my bills and finances in order and take care of my house today just a bit ( after working the past two days on site for the retirement community). OH YEAH- in budget have to pay for bikes. Can't pay bills down without reserving cash for that bill. Two are in the shop.

OK- so done. I better stop as if keep paying bills without the whole budget done I might over pay and not leave enough of a buffer.
I just HATE having debt/bills.

Ready to go get work done for client/ then take a look to see if trainings for being an advocate for disabled. I missed the trainings LAST year as found out about them just a bit too late ( Sept if I recall correctly?) but since did not land full time job there is perhaps time and space to get that training now and then pick up some more work in that space.

Heck I am working with those in spaces of environmental justice AND health care equity. Its really valuable cool work actually.

The shift I hoped to make actually did happen.

Love not Bombs

Seriously.

I have no problem supporting strong defense but I don't want my primary income to be all in the war machine. I am not opposed to supporting defense, but I do think it has to be ethical-
and if I can't have complete transparency in a space of EVERYTHING Happening when it is in a space so I KNOW it is ethical

WELL I am not good with it.
I mean I am not going to be one that was "just following orders"

and is oblivious to reality
and accountable for evil due to failure to pay attention to truth.

Heck no

Not me.

Which when work in the space I work in, means I don't like working without full transparency for those who share info. I never reveal it.

I think this is why I don't want ALL MY EGGS IN one basket. I never want to feel like may ability to LIVE is dependent on any handler.

Any one boss

Any one job.

I feel like that is how evil happens in the world. Folks are so afraid of their abilty to LIVE
such that they allow themselves to feel such panic at loss of stability of their own dependency on someone else that they don't even have full ability to trust, clearly as the person they are dependent on IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY

I guess I have just SEEN the -

well,
started with lies and lack of respect for labor laws as an employee,,,(first job)
then sexism/mysoginistic attitudes(when in college rapes on campus hidden by Res Life/public Safety- officers commenting "Problem this girls father should handle" What the hell does that mean?? when not wanting to be involved in Date Rape cases cause did not view them as crimes...)
racism of employer ( 60 managers in an org but one black/demographic of city in 50% Black Americans in an highly educated city)
then sexism of employer ( Yes Me too sexual assault minimized- the guy still works there)
and abelism of employers (plural- history of solid work appreachiated, merit raised based on measurable performance metrics/good review of co workers etc... UNTIL Mental health crisis and response is to FIRE not actually offer meaningful help.... I both experienced this AND Watched it happen to others over the years.)
Speaking up at ERG- FIRED....etc...
Speaking up for coworker -oh yeah in recent years add AGEISM as it appalled me to watch an older retired FBI agent who was ROCKING his work ( he and I worked closely together) literally get ABUSED by a toxic boss
Then when another great coworker had health issues
boss' insensitive comments related to his disability.

It was just disappointing to see management handle all those instances without regard for individuals. Companies care about the bottom line.

I just don't want to work investing my labor to folks who are not actually caring about those issues that are most imporant to me.

I feel like it is hard but worth it to hold out and find other clients with mission of expending their labor to make our world a better place.

OK this whole rant after a recruiter interrupted me when I was paying some bills and sending venmo to pay back loans.

I just did want to reflect on this and be more PROACTIVE in finding my own opprotunities and not jsut repsonding to those who call me. ( I get calls ALL THE TIME. )

* I will still TAKE the calls.

The one client found me. The CEO found me on Linked In according to his recruiter who called me

The other client I FOUND on upwork. I notice that she was one of the few posting a role that has a history of paying fair wages there. (I look at their past history and payments and won't even consider doing work for anyone there cause they want CHEAP labor. I respect small business there wanting AFFORDABLE good services on a part time basis as they don't have NEED for more and are smart business people. I have no problem with that. BUT if your whole company is build on the backs of cheap labor you are no better that others...

I mean it is why there, how use that tool that matters. I respect the platform and those who WANT to freelance or be consulant as a lifestyle choice.

I don't respect those large companies who can afford otherwise- large companies that are shifting roles FROM employees to consulants sans meaningful benefits and livable wages. It makes sense for a SMALL starting out to need to rely on some consulants until their business grows. Two distinct reasons for using consulatant on forums like Upwork. ONe is as can't FIND who you need locally- so have to broaden reach and there is not enough work to justify full time with benefits ( and as a small until a certain point may not be able to really afford great benefit packages)! BUT after a point when a small grows I expect a transtion from consultant so full time labor with benefits.

OK enough of that.
I just don't want to be inclines to do the EASY Thing. I want to do the RIGHT thing-

and I know the easy path is not always the best. I need to stay the course of following my vision. I guess realizing the portfolio and mission of the two clients I had made me suddently Go "HECK I did curate and create the work I set out to do here!" Very tangibly and literally- I mean I could not have imagined to be honest just how amazing these two companies are that I support. I am super proud of the work they do and honored to be part of them. NDAs so can't go on Linkedin or elsewhere and really promote their stuff at all. .BUT that is Ok. I am not in marketing for them!! HA HA

I can reserve that kinda promotion for the volunteer roles. That is the othert thing- it was fun for the one org to decided to kick up our marketing. I did not take the lead ( I suppose could have ) of wanting to create CONTENT for buzz BEFORE a product or service...
I mean I COULD HAVE done that as KNOW it is done all the time. As marketing director for a professional org my vision was the leadership would create and events offer services and SEND me what events and services are being offered for me to promote them. I mean without a product or service what am I marketing?

Well there have been very few things happening. Just a few... which I marketed. They decided to do the spin marketing- market ourselves- our group with visibiltuy by sharing informaton and helpful to share links to CURATE a vibrant group pointing to OTHER folks products and services of interest. Sure I can do that. Its just a different kind of marktieng and I have to kick up the level of effort. I started on that today and it was kinda fun to start and dig in. I have a friend who curates a newletter like that which also includes her own particular writing. She HERSELF is the brand as an incredibly insightful and gifted writer.

I like to write. So I can write copy. I can design a newsletter to market the org itself. No issue. I just had not done that yet and didn't think to. I mean I am not that interested, moreso ambivalent but happy to help if there is no one else really into it. My goal is to reach folks like I was twenty years ago just STARTING OUT that need to learn about this profession.
I feel like we need a complete overhaul of where and how we show up and engage.
I got involved as the org is so tiny as far as involved leader I thought I could get activities out in this area where there is not another chapter. But the folks who stepped into leadership want to keep meeting out East near DC. Ce la vie... I wanted to find a spot way West in NovA. I wanted to bring in NEW blood, new speakers, inservices and teaching and training events-but the folks I invited did not show up. They did not respond! I had an old boss who is a GREAT teacher and I really wanted her to present one of her professional development trainings. She was GREAT at that! I apprechiated that she shared knowledge and did that.
It is her gift! I really hoped she would have said yes to being involved. ( I saw her as the Education coordinator). I also asked other industry leaders I know and got a YES from one. Passed on his info and the board was silent. They did not follow up.
So I guess my enthusism was waning... so good for a couple new recruits from the leadership. I am happy to be re-energized and help support this revitalization.

The org has been speaking oI really was thinking more literally there has to be SOMETHING we create for me to market it! "We need education committee to create events if I am going to marekt them". BUT our own sites can be the thing we create that then CURATES AND CREATES COMMUNITY.

So I am shifting what I think the JOB Of the marketing director role is for this org. There was a position of membership development, but the person who signed up did not show up... so really that is how I have to think of the goal and needs of the marketing now. It is not of services, but of the community istedl exisitng. We need to CREATE it as it is nacent. The community exists only in a list of emails to reach out to and invite to show up! They have not shown up! This is not limited to this small group- but a common occurrance in the space this is in . We are not the only small group having trouble getting members to show their faces and be involved. BUT there are a couple more volunteers so I am happy to have folks to work together with as that is the kind of work I enjoy most! can't wait to see where we take this!

Oh and I have work to do with church. Yeah that on my to do as well. I need to show up there tomorrow. Too late today but will carve out time for tomorrow. We are collabing with some community orgs, let me call them mutual aid orgs as that is what they are even if not using that term frankly.

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